Morty is playing a game and suddenly throws his ear piece "SON OF A BITCH!"
Just as Rick opens his door.
"What? (belch) What game you playing Morty?"
"Well Rick I was TRYING to play Yugioh duel links as its slightly more balanced than...you know, real Yugioh. But I don't get wins because their God damn servers run on a potato farm!"
"(belch) yeah that"ll aggravate anybody. I mean uhhh its just capitalism Morty. Konami nor any other company big or small is concerned about innovative or even just efficient technology. The profit incentive only goes so far as to produce the next thing that will captivate a large audience for quick returns. In reality the game industry is intended to suck. It sucks because whilst you could conceivably have a large and continually money laundering fanbase for years with a consistently good game engine, most people will get bored anyway, and even if they don't...the market is not the same as a friendship or relationship. It cannot by its nature form a meaningful product or environment for that product. That's why the cold call salesman and marketing strategists get paid more than the tech support or programmers. Because the game is only meant to be played for a short period of time but target big populaces."
"Wow Rick...that...that makes video games sound more like a waste of time than masturbating or shooting heroin and doesn't even trigger a reward response in the brain as often. I mean geez Rick. You just said in a longwinded rant what no conservative pundit could do on an hour long preacher ramble about the toxicity of video games. You didn't even need to shame the gamer into doing something with his life, you're...you're just implying he's a sucker and theres so many other ways to waste your time."
"Other ways Morty but a whole lot of them aren't any better. (belch!) Why don't you come play this Sega Flashback emulator I got with me Morty?"
"Geez Rick you just got done telling me the gaming industry is a lie and now you're going to hypocritically recommend we co-op in some failed Chinese knockoff of the snes classic because...because I dont know...you're a hipster or something?"
Rick just looks up bored but annoyed and with the Sega controller presses a button and they go through a swirling vortex to the Dr.Who theme. They land inside the headquarters of Sega corporation back in 1994. Morty gets up moaning and all the executives look at them funny.
"And who might you two be? Am I gonna need to call security?"
"We just teleported through a wormhole (belch...) and you think two or three minimum wage security officers are going to do anything besides piss me off? Do it fag. I got all day and nothing else to do..."
"Fair enough strange oldman. But why are you here? We are having an important meeting about..."
"About how a couple of upstarts are going to take down the mega gaming conglomerate Nintendo. Yeah I know..."
"Are you...some kind of spy?"
"Hardly. Look, the sad truth is I like you guys. Back when you all had the best hardware on the gaming market. You took risks with third party developers and it paid off a lot of the time. You made memorable games though never to the iconic magnitude of a Nintendo character, and your marketing campaigns were perfect for the time with that edgy 90s asshole jibe."
"You keep speaking of it like the past tense."
"Thats cause im from the fuuuutre. Ooooh spooky! (burp uhh)"
They start mumbling to themselves.
"He's from the future?"
"Theres no way..."
"Why would a time traveler worry about a gaming company instead of like...world war 3 or something?"
"Maybe our hardware is so good it causes some sort of robot apocalypse!"
"Yeah no. I guarantee you the robot apocalypse will come not from violence but retardation. The AI will learn from humans and be just as incompetent and mismanaged. Anyway no. What Im here to warn you about is under no circumstance release the Saturn. I know this board room meaning is playing with the idea of cd disc drives and no...stop."
"We did consider it..."
One board room member slams his hands on the desk.
"This guy IS a spy! He comes in here with his cool time traveling technology and tells us not to keep up with the times! Cartriges will be a dead thing once Sony and Nintendo release that dolphin drive or whatever the fuck they're calling it!"
Rick takes a swig from his flask and wipes his mouth.
"Yeah see thats not happening... Whats happening is as we speak Sony is getting cucked by Nitendo and is gonna release a thing called the playstation. Its gonna be AMAZING. Way more amazing than anything you can get your hands on because they have more money to throw around. Your best bet is to stick making cartridges for the next three years. Call it Sega 64. Youll steal Nintendo's thunder, they'll get desperate and after releasing a failed system come next E3 start selling off property rights...Mario can become a Sega icon that you drag through the mud with shitty games meant for the bargain bin, and Sonic can make all of you seven figures annually forever focusing on party games like Sonic racing and Sonic tennis."
"Thats ridiculous!"
"Cartridges capacity is so confining and trying to program on one is like writing on a stone tablet! We'll release games much quicker and sell thousands of more copies of our product not by casual play but iconic names with up to date graphics and save capabilities!"
"R...Rick is telling the truth guys. Literally he just gave you a run down of how the future will end up."
"Hell I even left out how Sony is a piece of shit company way worse tgan Nintendp that should get bombed for charging people money than banning them EVER. But hey...whatever."
"Look...just get out of here! You're clearly drunk and I dont know who put you up to this prank but the USSR lost the cold war recently and do you know WHY?!"
"I do, you dont...(belch) but go on fam."
"Its because their failed policies failed to meet the demand of low class dregs! People are STUUUUPID they want flashing lights, titties on the screen, and fast paced games they can just pickup and putdown. Like a cheap hooker. They don't want some gay ass shit like spending time with their friends and family. Thats why they play video games to begin with to avoid that shit! Everyone who thinks we should continue on with project saturn raise your hand."
They all raise their hand.
"Im sure you're capable of seeing yourself out..."
Rick sighs. Takes another swig of his flask and teleports them back to the present.
"Wow geez Rick...wha what arrogant douchebags. I mean they didn't even consider it."
"I just did it to prove a point to you Morty. (belch...) capitalism WILL ruin all human interactions. Making them stale, prepackaged nonsense, that ultimately is unfulfilling so you keep consuming. Its why you dont find love on dating sites, friends on Facebook, or fun in video games.
"You're not...you're not actually gonna bomv Sony are you Rick? Oh geez Rick I know you. You are! You cant...you cant uhhhhh just make light of terrorism Rick!"
Rick looks down at Morty and squints his eyes pressing another button on the sega controller. "I can do whatever I want bitch. Im a motherfucking Rick!"
Morty looks around
"Uhhh..."
Summer runs toward them.
"Grandpa my internet is down! I was talking to a 10/10 named Bradley on Tindr and..."
"Yeah Summer. I know..."
Morty hears screaming outside as everyones internet is down but all their other electronics are working fine.
"How am I supposed to complete my order?!"
"How am I supposed to do my taxes?!" The neighbor tries writing on a piece of paper but freaks out unable to find a send button.
"Oh geez Rick..."
The news drives up in a van and goes live about how all over the world suddenly the internet went out which is unheard of. The complications will be endless on managing peoples finances, health, and even basic services. Stores having to pry open registers with crowbars, doctors scratching their heads as their tablets are useless in bringing up a patient's stats, and somewhere at Sony a fat, older version of one of those Sega executives breathes hard and screams as he cannot ban anyone to make himself feel more important.
"Jesus Rick you...you..."
"Console gaming doesn't require internet connection Morty. (belch!) Wanna play Streets of Rage 3?"
Morty looks down depressed.
"Ok but I get to be Skatez."
"HAHAAAA you're such a scrub Morty..."