Jean-Luc was still tossing up whether to see the Crushers. It had been over a year since Jack's passing, and he missed him terribly. Walker had tried many a time to persuade him to contact Beverly. With Walker out on deep space missions, communication was rare, and he wanted to know someone was looking after his good friend and her young son.
Everyone could guess why the stoic Captain of the Stargazer stayed clear of the widow: he blamed himself for Jack's death, or feared Beverly would blame him.
Now he had found himself back on Earth, in the park around the corner from the Crusher home. He'd come here many a time with Jack and Beverly. Summer days having BBQs, mock fights with Jack, Beverly's beautiful dancing. He took in a deep breath, as if wishing the times to return. To go back to when life was simpler, Jack still alive, yes, that was what he wanted.
"Jean-Luc," a shocked voice sounded behind him. Jean-Luc's eyes widened before he'd even turned. He knew that voice, all too well. The whisper in dreams, the memories in holo recordings... now stood behind him.
He turned around and found Beverly staring at him in greyed civilian dress, much like his own. Her face looked paler than he recalled, probably tired from raising a child on her own, he scolded himself. Mourning Jack. Her life was ruined and it was his fault.
"What the hell were you doing?" She crossed her arms over her chest as he gulped. Oh no, I'm in for it. Thank goodness the park was empty.
"I'm sorry, Beverly," he started but she cut him off.
"Over a year," she said, the colour quickly rising back into her cheeks with anger. "Over a year and not a word!"
"I'm sorry." He hung his head, unable to look into her eyes for fear of seeing the pain he'd put there.
"You just up and left," she snapped. "What the hell were you doing?" Long, elegant hands came to rest on his shoulders. He looked up. She was smiling with tearful eyes. "It is so good to see you," she breathed and hugged him.
She doesn't hate me. "I'm sorry." He carefully laid his hands against her back as she clung to him.
"Never," he caught amongst her murmurings.
"What?" he asked.
"Don't you ever disappear like that, never again." She held him tighter, desperate to know he was there. He was real. He was alive.
"I thought you might want some space given..." His mouth ran dry. Her grip held around him.
"'Some space' didn't have to be half the galaxy," she murmured. "I can't believe it's you."
"It's me, I'm here." They stood there, holding each other, minds racing.
"I'm sorry, I heard about the Stargazer," she said softly.
"Thanks." He let her go. She followed suit, threading an arm through his. "To be honest, I'm glad the Stargazer is gone. It had... too many ghosts." Arm in arm they slowly strolled down the path. "Congratulations on making lieutenant commander by the way." She smiled up at him but her eyes betrayed her confusion. "Walker kept me updated."
"Good old Walker," she sighed with more ease. "Thank you. Who knows... maybe someday when Wesley is grown up, or if he goes to the Academy, you might be in need of a new CMO?" She nudged him with her elbow.
"Wanting to make youngest chief medical officer in Starfleet?" He raised an eyebrow at her. If there was anyone who could do it, he thought, it would be Beverly.
"When Wes is older, for now, I am staying with him," she reiterated. That's right, she lost her parents when she was young, he recalled. He wasn't quite sure of the circumstances but he had found out from her grandmother when they weren't at the wedding. It had been Walker who walked her down the aisle (about which they had made endless jokes. Walker walked. He tried not to smile bittersweetly - it was funnier when Jack or Beverly said it), Jean-Luc by Jack's side as best man. But he knew she had shared the pain her son had felt of losing a parent. She wouldn't leave him behind.
"What if you could have both?" he inquired. In the corner of his eye he saw her head tilt in puzzlement. "If you could take Wesley with you..."
"So, the rumours are true? They're looking at giving you the Enterprise?!" They stopped short as she exclaimed in excitement. He didn't know what to say. Technically he had everything except the final signed order that would confirm the commission. "Jean-Luc, I'm so happy for you!" She swept him up in another hug. He wanted to share her joy, but his gut was leaden with guilt. "What's wrong?" She loosened her hold to gaze into his shadowed eyes.
Could he say it? Would she believe him? He placed his hands over hers, gently removing them from around his neck. "It was supposed to be you and Jack, Beverly." As she stared at him frozen, he wondered if she had heard him, if he had indeed spoken at all. "Beverly?"
"He didn't tell you?" Her voice shook as she whispered.
"Tell me what?" Her mouth opened and closed mutely as his brow hardened into a severe frown. "Beverly, what's wrong?" She reached out for his arm again. Her vision was blurring from tears welling in her eyes.
"He - his last letter..." she stammered, sniffing, wiping her eyes with her free hand as he gently held her arm. "He wanted... To end it. To separate. He went on and on about him holding me back while I was on Earth with Wesley and he was so far away wasn't fair on me and all that. But... well... I met his mistress at the wake." He paled. "But you know what really stung? She was carrying his baby in her arms." It took her a moment to compose herself before she could continue. "He had been there for the birth. He was there. And he was going to take sabbatical to help her. It was going to be his last mission. He didn't even plan on coming home to say goodbye."
He held Beverly. He didn't have words. His ears started to ring, his entire body blazing with an icy fury he had never known before. He wanted to say he was sorry, to curse Jack to the darkest depths of Hell, to confess his love to her and never leave her side, to tell her and try to give her the love and the life she deserved.
"I had thought you'd gone as well," she whispered meekly. She lowered her head, hiding her eyes from sight.
Gone? Leave Beverly? Now he was standing by her he had no idea how he had lived the past year away. But as he reflected on grayscale lifeless hours alone and miserable, he wondered what would happen. He would harden. He would lose his friends. Starfleet would be all he had. When Beverly and Jack had gotten together, he had assured himself that Starfleet would be enough. Starfleet and his friends, that was.
"Beverly," he said. His voice cracked from the tightness of his throat. He swallowed down, taking a deep breath before trying again. "Beverly, as long as you want me, I swear, I will never ever leave like that again. And certainly, I would never leave without first saying –" Her finger snapped to his lips, silencing him.
"Don't say it," she said so faintly it was like a whisper from another world. He reached up, his fingers brushing against her chin. Her head floated up, her eyes meeting his. Her finger was still over his lips. He kissed it softly. She gasped, her hand recoiling back to her. Was she ready? Was she afraid?
"Mummy! Mummy look what…" A small voice called out, snapping their attention away from each other to the child stood frozen down the path. Wesley! Jean-Luc's heart skipped a beat seeing Jack's little look-alike stood there agog. He could see in the child's face first confusion, recognition, surprise, and then the kind of joy only a child's heart could have. His entire face lit up, his mouth opening wide to show where his baby teeth had fallen and new ones grew into place. "Uncle Jean!" He raced across the short distance, the Luc lost on the wind in a sob, Jean-Luc kneeling and enveloping the boy in his hold, whisking him up into the air. Wesley clung on, sobbing into his shoulder.
Another figure appeared down the path, hearing the sound. Felisa took in the sight of Jean-Luc holding the inconsolable child, Beverly leant against his other shoulder with a hand on Wesley's back. Her eyes found her granddaughter's and they both shared a smile. "The prodigal son returns!" she declared teasingly as she approached the little huddle.
"Uncle Jean-Luc, I missed you!" Wesley wept, Beverly trying to wipe away the tears and snot on his face before it made a mess of Jean-Luc's shirt.
"I missed you too, Wesley," Jean-Luc said, gently swaying from side to side in an effort to sooth the child. "Hello, Mrs Howard," he greeted Felisa as she grinned up at them with her wizened face.
"Jean-Luc Picard, how many times must I tell you, it's Felisa," she teased him.
"Only one more, Mrs Howard," he said. Her head flew back as she laughed.
"Missed you," Wesley murmured against him.
"Come on, Wes, how about we head home and have some dinner?" Beverly said, reaching an arm around him to help remove him from Jean-Luc. She had heard about the Stargazer, but what she wasn't sure of was the physical condition of her captain.
"I wanna stay," he pouted, his impossible grip tightening, burying his head into Jean-Luc's shoulder.
"It's alright, I can carry him home," Jean-Luc assured them.
"Thank you." Beverly patted his arm. He didn't realise, but Felisa could plainly see how attached both young Howards were to him. Beverly placed her other arm around Felisa's shoulders as they all headed home.
He remembered the way like it had been yesterday, walking down that road. Wesley's warmth against him kept him in reality, Beverly's hand on his shoulder reminded him she was there with him, not waiting when the door opened to go with him to see Jack for the final time. When the door did open he was greeted to a very different sight.
The last time it had been grey. The entire place felt like it belonged in a dream… more like a nightmare. Now it was bright! The garden was full of flowers. When they crossed the threshold, lights automatically flicked on with the sunlight fading outside. It was like it belonged to completely different people! Beforehand there had just been a small side table at the entrance. Now there was a longer table, with photographs in frames across it and spread upon the wall. There were pictures of Felisa with them, Beverly, a few of her in groups, some with Jack, but none of just her with Jack. There were pictures of him and Beverly together, and pictures of him with Wesley. As he hunted there was only one picture of Jack with Wesley. He stared at it, Jack holding Wesley as a sleeping baby.
Beverly saw where he was staring and lowered her gaze, blushing. "Let's go through," she said, leading them into the open living, kitchen and dining area. There were some photos around there as well, with the entire space feeling like it had been redecorated. Wesley's toys sat in a box next to one of the sofas. Jean-Luc headed for his, shifting Wesley so that when he sat the boy was in his lap. His arms were still latched on around Jean-Luc.
"It looks different," he commented as Felisa went into the kitchen.
"I'm putting the kettle on. Cup of Earl Grey, Jean-Luc?" she said.
"Thank you, Mrs Howard," he called to her. She smiled as she got mugs and tea bags out.
"It was Nana's idea," Beverly said. "We redecorated all the rooms, except for yours."
My room? He pondered, distracted when Wesley squirmed a little.
"Are you okay, sweetie?" Beverly asked him, putting a hand against her son's back. "Do you need to use the bathroom?"
"Wanna stay with Uncle," he said stubbornly.
"Jean-Luc will still be here," she reassured him.
"No," he insisted. Beverly cast Jean-Luc a concerned look, glancing to share it with Felisa as she brought over the tea mugs. Alarm briefly flashed in his eyes. He did not particularly fancy Wesley soiling himself on his lap.
"You're such a big boy now Wes," Jean-Luc said. "Say, it's been so long, could you tell me where the bathroom is?"
"Don't wanna go," Wesley said.
"It's okay, we can go together," Jean-Luc said. "Come on, show me the way, Captain Crusher!" Beverly paled next to him, frozen. Felisa looked at her daughter as she sat on a chair opposite them.
"Howard," Beverly whispered. Jean-Luc blanched as he realised his err.
"Captain Howard," he corrected himself hurriedly. Wesley responded to this, getting up off of Jean-Luc's lap and taking his hand to lead him to the bathroom. Beverly sat in silence while Felisa enjoyed the aroma of her cup of tea.
"Nana, what am I supposed to do?" Beverly spoke in a low voice to make sure the others did not hear her. She reached out for her mug of tea, blowing on it before trying a sip.
Felisa watched her granddaughter with steely determination. "Well, I know what I'll do," she said sternly. Beverly raised her eyebrows at her. "If he hurts you or little Wes I will break his kneecaps."
"What was that?" Jean-Luc asked as he strode in with a refreshed Wesley towing him. He waited for Jean-Luc to sit before climbing back up onto his lap.
"I'll talk to you later," Felisa told him with a smile that made him shudder. Never upset a Howard, he noted. She quietly got up and left the room.
Dinner was one of the merriest the house had hosted for a long time. Wesley insisted upon sitting next to Jean-Luc. Felisa was glad. She hadn't seen Beverly so happy for a long time. It wasn't long before Wesley started drifting to sleep, exhausted from the excitement of Jean-Luc's return. "Time for bed, Wes," Beverly said, getting up and going to her son. He didn't stir until he realised she had lifted him up. His eyes snapped open, twisting and reaching for Jean-Luc.
"No! I want to stay with Uncle!" Wesley objected.
"Don't worry, Wesley, Jean-Luc will be staying," Felisa said.
"Is that alright with you both?" Jean-Luc looked up at Beverly.
"Of course, it's alright; you are family," Felisa brushed off his concern. "There's a towel on your bed and I opened the window to air out the room for you." Wesley continued to struggle in his mother's hold.
"Wes, see, Jean-Luc will be sleeping over with us, you'll see him again in the morning," she tried to calm him.
"Will Uncle read my bedtime story?" Wesley asked.
"Yes, but you need to be in bed before I can do that," Jean-Luc pointed out to him.
"Oh," Wesley murmured, calming and curling up against his mother.
"Thank you," she said to the others, carrying Wesley out and up the stairs.
"Are you waiting for your next posting?" Felisa asked of Jean-Luc. They had managed to keep discussion away from Starfleet so far. Together they stood, clearing the table.
"Yes. My next commission might not be for a while, so I don't know what Starfleet intend for me to do until then," he said.
"Quarters?" she asked, aware he didn't have his own abode on Earth.
"My things are in the dorms at Starfleet," he explained.
"Have them brought here tomorrow," she told him. She deftly lifted up the stack of dinnerware. "You might be like a grandson to me, but if you hurt Wesley or Beverly..." She didn't need to finish her sentence, scuttling off into the kitchen. He stood frozen a moment.
"Mrs Howard?" he asked after a moment. She smiled at him, a kindly grandmother. "Has Beverly been... seeing anyone? Is she... looking?" She tilted her head silently, still smiling. "Should I wait longer?"
"Wait for what, Jean-Luc?" she asked him.
"Mrs Howard, I do care for your granddaughter and great grandson a lot," he started.
"I know. Otherwise you would not have made it here." She patiently waited. So, she would make him say it then.
"What I'm trying to say is... would you happen to know if... is Beverly ready for a... relationship? Does she... want one?"
Felisa nodded knowingly. "Very eager young man, aren't you." He questioned her assessment of him as young. "I know she cares for you deeply as a friend, but that isn't what you're asking. And you would have to ask her that." She looked over his shoulder, her lip curling up cunningly. His eyes widened. He didn't want to turn around but he had to know. Oh god, if Beverly is there, he fretted. He gulped before slowly turning.
There she stood, her face tired but smiling. "Wesley is waiting." How much had she heard? He wondered.
"I'd better not keep him waiting." He blushed shyly as he approached her to pass her in the corridor. She stood aside, face raised to look up at him. Embarrassed, he headed on. Beverly let out a little laugh and followed. She enjoyed watching Jean-Luc read to Wesley. The poor boy was exhausted but terrified that if he went to sleep, Jean-Luc might disappear.
Beverly didn't blame him. Jean-Luc didn't either.
"Are you going to stay, Uncle?" Wesley asked groggily.
"For as long as Starfleet and your mother will let me," Jean-Luc assured him.
"Will you be my new daddy?" He said, letting out a yawn. Jean-Luc let out a small laugh. He glanced back up to where Beverly was leaning against the wall, watching them.
"I'd have to talk to your mother about that."
"I hope so. I want you to be my new daddy."
He kept reading until he was certain Wesley had fallen asleep. "Good night, Wes," he whispered, switching off the light before drawing the door shut. Beverly was waiting for him on the landing.
"Jean-Luc?" she murmured as he moved closer.
"Beverly?" She closed the distance between them, wrapping her arms around his torso and leaning her head against his chest. He held her around her shoulders, treasuring the contact. "I will wait if you want me to," he offered.
He could feel it as she smiled. "I don't know if I'm ready. But I know what I want." She tilted her head up. "How long can you stay?"
"They can't assign me a new post until after the inquiry, which could be anything from two weeks to six months or more," he said. "I heard they think it will be about six weeks."
"Any idea what will happen after that?"
He shrugged but didn't let her go. "I have leave banked up." She leant her head against him again. He gently shifted his arms, rubbing her back. "And you?"
"Working in Starfleet Medical," she explained. "Studying."
"Oh?"
"I know CMOs get commander rank, but... I'd rather earn my pips." He chuckled.
They stood there together in silence, time dragging by. Eventually he wondered whether she had fallen asleep in his arms. "Beverly?"
"Mhmm?" Okay, not asleep then, he thought.
"Are we just going to stand here all night?" he asked.
"I have no problem with that," she said. "But I am pretty sure Nana put the kettle on, so I guess we are expected downstairs." She held onto his hand as they headed downstairs. Back on the sofa, she sat beside him, the sides of their body pressed together. Felisa sat opposite them, a candle lit on the table by her armchair, knitting needles clicking softly.
"Don't mind me," she told them after who knew how long of the three of them sitting quietly. "You want to know, ask her."
"Nana, he hasn't even been back a day," Beverly pointed out.
"A day and Wesley already wants him for a father," Felisa tutted to herself. "My, time moves fast!" She glanced to the candle. "Speaking of which, I am off to bed." Beverly let go only to hug her Nana and kiss her goodnight. "Sweet dreams, my dear."
"Thank you, Nana," Beverly said, giving her forehead a kiss. Felisa wrinkled her face up in a smile. "I love you."
"I love you too." Felisa patted her hand and left, carrying her knitting and candle to her room next to Wesley's. Beverly sat back down and snuggled against Jean-Luc's side.
"I hope this is real," she whispered to him, looking up at him. "I missed you."
"I missed you too." He laid a gentle kiss to the top of her head. She closed her eyes and smiled. "I wanted to apologise for earlier," he said. She opened her eyes, her head on his shoulder, gazing at him. "I wasn't aware you were going by Howard again."
"I was tempted to keep Crusher," she admitted.
But she hadn't. "Can I ask what happened?" he inquired gently.
She smirked. "You remember how Jack's parents didn't take much of a shining to me?"
"Not really, I don't know them well," he admitted. "What did they do?"
"At the wake, you'll never believe this, it was well after most people had left, she must have gotten drunk, his mother came up to me screaming I was a witch!" There were tears running down her cheeks but she was laughing. "Thank heavens Nana stepped in! She stood in between us and told her to never speak to us again unless she wanted to know what a real witch could do!" He had never witnessed the fury of Felisa Howard and he hoped that he never would. "Then, their gall, trying to take Wesley from me. No, neither of us are Crushers anymore."
Take Wesley?! They tried to take away Wesley?! He thought in alarm. What the hell has happened this year?! "Sorry... I didn't know..." He knew his words did not serve his remorse justice.
"So, what did you want to ask me?" Beverly asked jokingly, drying her eyes with a guarding smile.
A lot of things, Jean-Luc realised as his brain started to list them all. But where to begin? "Did... did you hear what Wesley said?" he murmured.
"I heard him say he wants you to stay and wants you to be his new daddy," she answered without any hint of her personal feelings on this matter.
She would be one to make me say it, he sighed to himself, fighting a grin. "What are your thoughts on the matter?"
"I would like you to stay as well." So that was all it would be. For now.