Comments: A bit season 4 spoilery. Has not been beta'd so I apologise for any problems. I hope you like it, it is a bit angsty.
The nights were the worst, then his thoughts would have nothing to distract them and as always his mind would wander to the same place 'Guinevere'. Guinevere the name that use to roll of his tongue and give him strength and comfort...now he could not let that name escape from his lips in fear that it would undo the final piece of armour that was loosely holding him together. Arthur crumpled the piece of paper he had been starring at for the last hour and threw it. His hands went to his head and he dropped it to the table unable to hold his own weight any longer.
'I need to sleep' he groaned to himself. But he couldn't because when his eyes would close he would dream of her and for a short while the dream would be perfect...a memory of the happiness they once shared...but he knew it wouldn't last and it would soon be replaced with Lancelot and then another piece of his heart would break leaving nothing but darkness inside.
Arthur felt like a fool and his mind would tell him that Guinevere and Lancelot had been dancing this romantic dance together longer than he was aware. He would play back moments in the past where he was now convinced they shared knowing looks. But each time his mind would go down that dark direction, his heart seemed to hold onto the fact that Guinevere was a good women at heart...that 'the incident' was a once off, a mistake brought about by the relief of seeing Lancelot alive.
None of this information of course would help the wound in his heart that would not stop bleeding. Arthur stood and walked to the window watching his people making their way home. He imagined the Guard just off duty opening the door to his house only to be greeted by the loving arms of his wife...he could see the fire burning giving his home an amber glow and a small child asleep in his cot. All of that, that simple life was all he really ever wanted and he thought he could have it with Guinevere, she had been his home...a place he felt he could finally be himself a sanctuary from all the royal duties he could not escape. But now that was gone and he didn't know if he could or wanted to carry on, to be this King that everyone seemed to demand of him.
Arthur watched as a few more of town's folk made their way home. He knew he had to be strong for them, it didn't matter how much he was dying inside he needed to protect Camelot, he needed to heal some of the wounds his father had inflicted on his Kingdom...he had no time to be selfish. Arthur thought back to the conversation he had with his Uncle today. He had recommended an alliance through marriage to Princess Mithian. At first the thought had been immediately rejected, he was not ready to love again. In fact he was pretty sure he would never be able to love so completely again. But was this really about love? the Princess was known through all the lands for her beauty...so he was sure he could care for her at some point...and the alliance would guarantee the safety of Camelot. Could he put aside his heart and marry for the sake of peace? Arthur sighed, he had to.
Xxxxxxx
The next morning as Merlin opened the curtains in Arthur's chambers he found him asleep on the table as he had most nights since Gwen's departure, but this time he noticed in Arthur's right hand held tightly a piece of purple cloth. Merlin smiled 'All is not lost'