"I'm only human!" he shouts, slamming his clenched fist against the table.
"I am all too aware. Every day I wake up and am happy and then I am hit with the knowledge that you will die. And I? I will not. Every goddamn day." I pause, panting. He looks guilty but I can't stop. My eyes burn with the threat of tears. "You will grow old with me and then when you draw your last breath I too will die. Not physically, no. But you are my world. Before you, there was nothing. Every year of my life- a life that should have ended long ago- was meaningless. You gave me meaning again."
The tears are caught in the corners of my eyes and I wish they would fall if only to let some of the pain out. "And when you are gone I will return to that damned eternal existence and the only things that will be different will be that you are gone and the sun won't shine and all I will know is pain because you were the best possible thing that could have happened. And the worst. Because you are only human. And I'm not. I'm not and I miss it more than anything in world." My voice breaks. I catch a look at myself in the hall mirror and I look wretched. Pathetic. I don't care.
"I've got to go." He whispers and as he rushes past me I notice he's crying now too and I feel awful for causing it and miserable because no matter what we wanted my cold analysis had been, if not sensitive, accurate. He would die, and I? I would not.
~six years after Alec's death~
Magnus sat with his side against the marble plaque, marking his husbands spot in the wall where his ashes had been placed. He carefully wiped his hand against the marble, tracing the words with his thumb and then pressed his face against the cold stone.
"Alec baby." Magnus drew his knees up to his chest. "I know that this is stupid but it helps somehow. I don't know, I couldn't explain it but with you gone, well... Everything seems pointless. I eat when I remember and I know it's not just me who misses you but I feel so alone. Missing you is like standing in the ocean. Sometimes I'm wading ankle deep and there's a slight tickle that reminds me that you aren't just in the other room. Other days, I'm being dragged down by the riptide and the only thing I know is that I miss you and I can't breathe."
Magnus eyes pricked with tears but he bit him lip to take the immense emotional pain and transfer it into controllable physical pain. "Oh Alec... You were the love of my life and that I can't follow you... I'm scattered through life. I can't remember what I used to do to fill the void. I want to join you. I can't decide how to do it. Pills or a knife or a rope and a chair. I'm not sure it would work though and if I showed up on your heavenly doorstep you might beat me." Magnus tries to laugh. It doesn't sound right.
"Sweetheart I'm weak. Without you nothing makes sense and I don't have the strength. Between the two of us you were the strong one. We both knew it." Mangus balls his fists up and he pressed his temple against the marble, the pressure grounding him. He let out a ragged breath. "I'll see you soon." he promises and levers himself of the cold ground of the mausoleum.
Jace watched Magnus leave. He thought the man looked different then when he went it. He walked with purpose now. His shoulders were straight, eyeliner smudged from tears. Of course he had changed when Alec had died. He didn't wear glitter much anymore. Or colors. And more often than not he wore Alec's favorite black hoodie.