Harry Potter and Co are Better Off Alone, a harry potter fanfic

Harry Potter and Co. are Better Off Alone

Harry and Ginny

Sure by cannon it's true

But does hand holding and kissing spell hero to you?

It's nice he's in love, really we're happy

I just don't think it's good when Harry's made sappy

He's supposed to get brains – he's got a job to do

Yet in so many fic's his brain's used for fluff and romantic goo

Harry and Hermione

It couldn't work out in school

Realistically thinking, it's a time of life when one's manhood is a well used tool

Give 'em 5 years at least before he gets her up the duff

If you want them at it in school, you'll have to make sure they've both drunk enough

Just think about it for a minute please

Sure he's got hormones but it's not in his disposition to turn into a sleaze

And Hermione's got spunk, she's not a fool

She's hardly the type to be married straight out of school

Hermione and Ron

We saw the relationship coming a mile off, like a freight train while you're standing on the tracks

But at the thought of just watching that train pass, you'd rather lie down in its path and relax.

I said it before – Hermione needs fun

When ficcers stick her with Ron she ends up married shotgun

It just isn't right, but life isn't fair

I mean consider the genetic disaster that is bushy red hair

Harry and Ron

Good G-d slash desperate people – come on

I accept he sleeps in a dorm, but there are girls in the vicinity

Ron Weasley would not be the one to steal his virginity

If you really must experiment please don't use fluff

The fact that they fucked would be embarrassing enough

After just one night you know they wouldn't be able to have a straight conversation for years

It can only be made worse by 'I love you's and tears

Harry and Draco

What's the good of realism? – I take back all that I've said

Harry was born to give Draco head!

It might not be right, though it isn't affected by whether Harry likes boys or not

The fact of the matter is him shagging Draco is hot

But take care, consider yourself warned

Make either one pregnant and you'll be heavily scorned

Boys can't have babies, Harry is not a demon

And there is absolutely no reason for Draco to be a veela before he gifts Harry with semen

Really – they're two horny teens you need nothing more

It's just "I hate you Potter" count to three "would you prefer the desk or the floor?"

Harry and Snape

Umm have you heard of paedophilia?

And you know that he's precisely old enough to be his father, yeah?

Yet hundreds write it, thousands love it and I must admit I happen to be one

After two I stopped puking and it turned out they're fun

Basically, be sure not to analyse and don't give either a face

That way you'll find that the sex is quite ace

Harry and Voldemort

Is surprisingly believable as true

S&M with young boys is something I reckon a dark lord is quite within his capabilities to do

But once again, avoid fluff, it can't be said enough

No fluff

And so my friends, my patience ends. I know I didn't cover all the couples but it was just for a bit of fun so…. Comments would be nice, nice comments would be best.