Title: Bent
Author: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)
Rating: PG-13 (just to be safe)
Summary: pre-TPM, (H/C, angst, non-slash), Obi's recovery from the
events in "If You're Gone."
Disclaimer: Obi, Qui, Mace and Yoda are George's, Healer Darak and Knight Bental are mine.
Archive: Sure, usual, just drop me an e-mail.
Feedback: You know I love it, good or bad. Keeps the ideas flowing.
Notes: This story assumes knowledge of my other fic "If You're Gone."
=============
"BENT"
"If I fall along the way. Pick me up and dust me off.
And if I get to tired to make it, be my breath so I can walk...
Can you help me, I'm Bent.
I'm so scared that I'll never, get put back together.
Keep breaking me in, and this is how we will live,
with you and me, Bent."
---Lyrics and inspiration by singer Rob Thomas (Matchbox Twenty)
========================
Master Healer Darak Quen sat across from his friend, Jedi Master, Qui-Gon Jinn. Both men quietly observed the young man in the next room, Jedi Apprentice Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"It's only been a week Qui-Gon. Only 5 days released from our care. Physically, he is much improved. He's getting stronger by the day. The electro-staff's that were used on his legs damaged the muscles, but things are healing nicely. Now you on the other hand..."
Looking over at the healer and taking a deep breath, Qui-Gon responded. "It's his mind that I am worried about Darak. Emotionally, he is not well. He doesn't sleep much, and he's been kept awake with these severe nightmares. Sometimes he'll wake up screaming, his body just drenched in sweat. But he'll keep insisting that there is nothing wrong, that he can handle it. This is not something he can handle on his own, I don't know why he won't let me help."
"I'll tell you why he's afraid to ask for help. First, he doesn't want to be a burden to you. I'm sure he's thinking that the last thing you need while you are still recovering from your own injuries, is a 20-year-old apprentice who can't sleep through the night. Second, he thinks it'll all just go away if he doesn't talk about it. He'll wake up one day and everything will be normal again. Tell me Qui, has he let you into his mind at all."
Qui-Gon shook his head. "No, his shields are slammed tight. I can't help him unless I know what he saw, what he went through. And he is not a burden to me Darak, he will never be that. I just want to help him."
"I know he's not a burden to you Qui, but look at this from a young Jedi's perspective. This is something he has been trained to handle. He shouldn't have to go running to his master
for help."
Darak paused before continuing. "I believe that everything is related to what he was a witness to. Knight Bental's death is haunting him. It's up to us to get him through this."
The Jedi Master took a step closer to the observation window, watching his padawan carefully. "Do we know what kind of torture Bental was subjected to?"
"The electro-staff's that were used on Kenobi were the main tool of torture. When used at the highest setting, they cause convulsions to rip through the body. It looks as if there was massive internal bleeding as a result of these convulsions. Bental's death was slow and extremely viscous. This is not the way one want's to die."
A thought came to Jinn. "He was married wasn't he?"
"He was. His wife has been cared for. She will be okay given time."
Turning his attention back to his apprentice, a feeling of helplessness came over Jinn.
Obi-Wan sat, knees pulled to his chest, arms wrapped around them. His chin rested on
his knee. "He's scared to death Darak."
Darak threw a sorrowful look in Qui-Gon's direction. "Somehow, we have to break through those feelings, his shields. It's the only way we can help him."
=========================
The last place Obi-Wan wanted to be right now was in Healer Darak's office. The stress of the last few nights had worn his patience and his temper very thin. Dark shadows circled his eyes, evidence of the lack of sleep. He had lost more weight since returning home. He was eating, but not as he should be. His mind wandered now, unable to focus on anything other than what happened on Ventar 6.
The violent images of Bental's death were so vivid that he was forced to relive the Knight's death whenever he closed his eyes. There was nothing that could stop the hurt.
All he wanted was to forget.
For the first few nights, Jinn's student had been woken by the disturbing dreams. He was able to calm himself enough to allow sleep to claim him for a while longer. These past 2 nights had left him unable to even consider sleep. His entire body shook with panic and fear and he struggled to keep from hyperventilating. Obi-Wan would find a comfortable place on the couch in the common area, flip on a holo-vid and stare relentlessly at the screen.
Unknown to Kenobi, Qui-Gon would silently guard him from a distance.
=========================
As the days drew on, the sessions that the master-padawan pair had been attending with Healer Darak, were proving to be of little help. Obi-Wan, for the most part, remained silent throughout, slipping further and further away.
That night, there was a breakthrough of sorts. Obi-Wan had been roused from his sleep by the usual nightmare. He settled into his spot on the couch and fell into the regular routine. This time, Qui-Gon decided to sit with him. It was late and Jinn knew he wouldn't be able to sleep, so he thought he'd make an attempt to reach the boy.
Despite the shields that Obi-Wan had set firmly in place, the emotions had so overwhelmed his mind, that Qui-Gon could easily feel the despair and the unease.
Qui-Gon approached the boy, who sat with his knees drawn to his chest. "Mind if I join you?"
If Obi-Wan was surprised to see his master, it didn't show. "It's okay."
"I wish I could believe that."
After an hour of silence and for no apparent reason, Obi-Wan began talking.
"Master, I don't want to remember. I know healer Darak is trying to help, but I can do this on my own. I just want to forget. Please. All I see is Bental's face. He was so scared, so much pain. Just let me forget. Please help me forget master." It was a desperate plea from a young man who had been through an unimaginable hell.
"The only way to forget padawan, is to remember. Right now, your memories, your feelings control you. We can change that, but you cannot hide from the reality of what happened. Drop your shields padawan, let me help you."
Letting out a deep, shuddering breath, Obi-Wan leaned towards his master, lying his head on Jinn's shoulder. "I just want to forget."
Qui-Gin draped an arm around the boy, shifted into a more comfortable position and sat in silence. The pain he felt in those last few words, were almost too much. Centering himself and his emotions, Qui-Gon offered his padawan the support he needed to make it through another night.
=========================
When he awoke the next morning, Obi-Wan found himself still huddled safely next to his master. Qui-Gon had stayed with him all night. Obi-Wan had never been more grateful. It had allowed him a few hours of sleep.
He slipped from Qui-Gon's side and made his way to the kitchen. Despite his recent lack of appetite, he was actually hungry today. And he set out to make breakfast for them both.
Qui-Gon was intrigued by the smell coming from the kitchen. Going in to investigate, he found that his padawan had cooked up his favorite breakfast. He joined the young Jedi at the table, sitting across from him.
"Thank you Obi-Wan, this looks delicious. Your cooking skills seemed to have surpassed mine."
The old Obi-Wan would have taken that opening and run with it.
**Master, a womp-rat can cook better than you. Not that I am complaining about your cooking. But let's just say that I would rather eat paint chips.**
This version of Obi-Wan, stuck in his deep depression, only nodded. "Yes, master."
Qui-Gon never realized how much he missed that sarcasm and quick wit that used to be
his student.
"Obi-Wan, Healer Darak wants to see us this afternoon for a longer session."
The boy looked lost. "Why?"
"He thinks that it will be good for you, time to focus on your feelings and open your mind."
Obi-Wan only shook his head. "I don't understand master, why is it so important that I talk about what happened? It'll go away if I..."
"No, padawan, it will not go away. This will always be a part of you. But, it will not always control your life as it does now. You must take that control back. Will it be painful to do that? Yes, it will. I can't promise you that it will not hurt. What I can promise you is that, I will be here with you."
"Thank you, master. May I be excused? I should go clean my room as you had asked me to."
Now at a loss for words, Qui-Gon allowed Obi-Wan to move away from the pain this time. "Yes, padawan, you may." As he watched his once proud student leave the kitchen, the Jedi felt his heart sink. Obi-Wan was lost, Qui-Gon wondered if he'd ever find his way back.
=========================
They entered Darak's office that afternoon, and the healer directed them to have a seat on the couch. "Obi, you take a seat here...Qui, you sit next to him. Always with him."
The 2-hour session again did nothing to help the boy. In fact, he seemed even more withdrawn this time.
Qui-Gon sent his student on his way. "Obi-Wan, I want you to go back to our quarters and try and get some sleep. I shall return shortly."
Obediently, Obi-Wan bowed slightly. "Yes, master."
Once Kenobi had left the room, Qui-Gon turned to his friend.
"This is not helping him Darak."
"Tomorrow is a new day. I have an idea that may work, but emotionally, will be painful for both of you."
"And what is that?"
"I see one of 3 things can happening here. Either he will never talk about what happened, or, he may let us in on tiny pieces every so often. What I honestly believe will happen, is that when he goes, it'll all be at once. He'll breakdown completely, shields and all. I will see you both tomorrow at noon hour."
Qui-Gon nodded. "I will make sure we are on time. Good day Darak."
=========================
That next day came quickly. Obi-Wan had spent another restless night on the couch, again with his master at his side. He was dreading another 2-hour session with the mind healer.
Darak greeted the pair. "Hello, gentlemen, make yourselves at home."
As Obi-Wan found a comfortable place on the couch, Darak noted that he sat closer to
Qui-Gon than he had in previous sessions. Perhaps he needed that feeling of safety that only Jinn could provide.
The pair settled in and the healer began the session.
"Obi-Wan, I want you to tell me what you saw on the planet. What did you feel when Knight Bental was suffering through his final moments? What did he say to you?"
The padawan's head snapped up and he looked directly into Darak's coal black eyes. Almost immediately, he then looked away. His face filled with the fear and panic that usually only followed the nightmares.
The healer continued to press the issue. "Tell me Obi-Wan, what was so horrible that you cannot talk about. I need to know what you saw. Tell me Apprentice, what did you see on that planet...I need..."
Obi-Wan's breathing became ragged as he began to feel control slipping away. "No...please...I don't want to talk about this. Just make it go away...it'll go away..."
Darak exchanged a brief glance with Jinn, who nodded his approval to keep pushing.
There was no easy way out. They were at a crossroad, and would follow the path that was the most painful.
"Obi-Wan, you've been with Qui-Gon for 8 years now. You've seen death, torture, and famine. There was something more here wasn't there? Tell me. Tell Qui-Gon. What happened down there? What did you see? Hear? Would you dishonor a Knight's life by refusing to allow his final words to be known? What about his wife Obi-Wan, she has the right to know what happened to him. Tell me what you saw Obi-Wan...what you were feeling as you watched him take his last breath. Only you were there Apprentice. Only you can tell us what..."
He was cut off. Obi-Wan stood up, the pent up anger and fear flaring.
Darak's idea was working perfectly.
"NO !! STOP IT !! STOP !! I have not dishonored him, I would never do that. You have no idea what I went through. NO IDEA!!"
"Then tell me Obi-Wan."
"I watched him die...WATCHED HIM DIE!!! And I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I was there...he was pleading with me to help him, begging for me to do something to end the pain. I could only stand there and watch it happen. They wouldn't let me go to him, to help him, to comfort him. Just kept hitting him with those damn staffs, his body went through one convulsion after another. His mouth, his eyes were filled with blood. He called out for me, I was...DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME THAT I HAVE DISHONORED HIM!!! I was there to see his last breath, hear his last words. I don't want to relive that. I see his face everywhere. Hear his voice in my head. I JUST WANT IT TO STOP!! I want my life back. Is that asking to much?"
Taking a brief break from his tirade to catch his breath, Obi-Wan wandered to the far corner of the room. Darak looked at Qui-Gon. Jinn took the initiative this time.
"Obi-Wan, what do you see in your dreams?"
The apprentice was facing the wall as he responded to his teacher.
"I see him, master. I hear his last words. I see his pain. He told me to tell his wife that he loved her more than life itself. How he wished they could spend the rest of their lives together. How much he would miss her. Said for me to tell her that they would meet again. That she would never be alone, he would always be with her. There is no death, there is the force."
His voice cracked with emotion.
"Why did he tell me these things master? Why? I close my eyes, and he's there. I feel his pain over and over. Do you have any idea what that kind of pain feels like? Why did they have to do that to him, they made him suffer so much. I don't know what to do now...master what do I do? How do I make this go away?"
Qui-Gon got up and stood at a distance, facing his padawan who was still staring at the wall.
"I can't begin to say that I understand what you are going through Obi-Wan. I can't even pretend that I do. What I do know is that I don't want to see you hurting. I don't like this feeling. Please, let me help you...let me..."
Obi-Wan erupted again. "NO !!! I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP. I DON'T...need your help. I just want to forget. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND...how...how much it hurts inside?"
As Darak encouraged Qui-Gon to continue, Obi-Wan leaned forward, his head against the wall. Clenching his hands, the boy used every last bit of strength to keep from breaking down.
Despite his words, he wanted nothing more than to open his thoughts to his master, to drop his shields and free his mind. More than anything he wanted to feel the comfort and warmth of Qui-Gon's embrace. He longed for the safety of those arms that would chase away the demons. But he was so scared.
"I know it hurts padawan. I see the pain. I don't want to see you like this. Do you know what I felt when you were down on that planet, and no one could find you. You were thought to be dead. They found Bental's body. I knew that could've been you. I didn't know where you were, what had happened to you. I was scared too Obi-Wan. I have never been that scared in all my years. You are the most important part of my life. What happens to you, happens to me...Don't shut me out padawan. Yes, you went through this alone. You're not alone anymore. We can get past this. Together, we can do this. All I ask is that you drop your shields an let me help you...allow the healing process to begin."
Qui-Gon turned an ear towards Darak. "He's close Qui, he'll break soon. Go to him, but let him be the first to reach out. He must take that first step."
Exhausted, Obi-Wan felt the sobs escaping between breaths. He held his position as his master moved closer. "I'm sorry...master...I tried to ..help him...to comfort him...so much pain...that's all he...felt. Noth...ing I did....could help him...I don't
know...how to h...help him now..."
Slowly, Kenobi turned, his back now leaning against the wall. A moment later he let his tired body begin it's descent, sliding down the wall until he was sitting upright.
"I just...want to...forget...make it all stop master...please make it all go away...forget..."
Qui-Gon knelt beside his student. Obi-Wan glanced up with tear filled eyes. He reached out a hand towards his master. "Help me master...please." Within seconds, the shields that had been so tightly closed, were dropped. Qui-Gon knew that healing could finally begin.
Without another word, Qui-Gon gently wrapped his padawan in a tight embrace. Obi-Wan fell bonelessly into the arms that offered nothing but comfort and love. This is what he had sought all along, but was too afraid to reach out for. Perhaps now, everything would be okay.
=========================
Master and padawan lost track of how long they stayed huddled together, but it seemed
like hours. Obi-Wan had cried for a long time. As he cried, he told his master of his nightmares. What he had seen and what he had felt. How he feared, after watching Bental die, that he would never see his home again. Locked in a dark cell, he had thought about how much he would miss the temple, his friends, his master.
As long as Obi-Wan was still sharing his feelings and still transmitting the disturbing images that flooded his mind, Qui-Gon would sit with him. He would hold him as long as necessary for the pain to subside.
=========================
As Darak watched the scene unfold, he smiled. It had taken some time and a great deal of patience, but the effort had paid off. Allowing the pair to have the time they needed, he left them alone to heal.
Exiting the room, he found Yoda waiting for him.
"Master Yoda, to what do I owe this pleasure?"
"Well you have done, difficult I know this was. Start healing, they both can."
"I can only take part of the credit. They share a bond that I don't completely understand. Qui-Gon was really the one to break through. I simply encouraged him. It'll take some time, but he'll be okay. He will not be going on any missions for a while. Both of them are to remain grounded on this planet, until further notice."
Yoda gave a tiny smile. "Who are you to make decisions for the council?"
"I am a Master Healer, and if I say they are to stay put on-planet, I expect my orders to be obeyed."
"Humph...speak to you later, I will, Healer Darak."
The Jedi Master left the room, mumbling something about healers having to much power and what the counsel may have to do to change that.
Darak could do nothing but laugh at the troll as he excited the Medi-Ward.
=========================
It was a few hours later when Qui-Gon decided he'd better get up off the floor before further therapy was required for his back. Obi-Wan was still snuggled in his arms, breathing quietly, but awake.
"Padawan, we need to get up, this is not good for my back. We can go home, get you something to eat and try this sleep thing again."
Obi-Wan was not eager to move. "Master, can't I just stay here a bit longer. I promise
I'll be quiet. It's nice here...safe."
"My dear apprentice, as much as I have enjoyed this time with you, if I stay here much longer, walking is something that I will have to learn anew."
Obi-Wan nodded, his head still leaning against Qui-Gon's chest. "Yes, master." But still made no attempt to get up.
So, Qui-Gon forced him up, helping him to steady himself before leading him out the door. Darak was there to see them off.
"Thanks for coming, glad we made some progress today. Qui, I want to see him, once a day, for an hour. This is the beginning. There's a long way yet to go."
"Thank you my friend, for what you have done. I am in your debt. We will be back tomorrow."
=========================
As the healing sessions continued, Obi-Wan became more like his old self. The nightmares persisted, but with each passing day, they lessened in severity. In a month's time, they invaded his dreams only sporadically.
The Council held a formal funeral for Knight Siron Bental and it allowed Kenobi the opportunity to speak with the Knight's wife and tell her how important she had been in her husband's life.
Qui-Gon was given the go ahead to be put back on active duty.
Soon after, Obi-Wan was as well.
The Council was never so happy to see 2 Jedi leave for a mission as when Jinn and Kenobi left for Valus. They had done nothing but drive the Council nuts since they had been cleared for off-planet duty.
Healer Darak has arranged for this mission to Valus. He put a word into the Council's ear that a mission to the planet, no matter how dull, would mean a chance for the pair to relax before they were sent out to save the galaxy. He considered it a working vacation.
Qui-Gon was not extremely pleased to be attending pointless meetings on their first mission in over 2 months, but his attitude was changed when he saw that the spark of life in his padawan had returned. He couldn't help but smile.
"Master, this is wonderful. Have you ever been to Valus? Bant has, she says it the most beautiful planet in the universe. She told me that the Oceans are the most brilliant blue. It's perfect for a vacation."
"Obi-Wan, we are not on vacation, we have a mission to attend to."
Kenobi laughed. "Master, please, the world's 2 parties are arguing over whether or not the planet of Valus is round. This is hardly something that will take much thought. I think we can wrap this up in say, oh, about an hour."
"You may have a point there padawan. Let's be off."
=========================
Indeed the mission negotiations, as they were called, were brief. So master and padawan were able to take time out for themselves.
A week into the trip, Mace Windu contacted Jinn.
"I would like to know where you are. This minor quarrel should have taken no more than a day to resolve."
Obi-Wan, who sat next to Qui-Gon during the transmission could hardly contain himself. His laughter almost giving them up. Jinn attempted to shut him up by slapping a hand over his mouth.
"Mace, good to hear from you. Actually this is a bit rougher than we thought...we are having a hard time proving that the planet is, in fact, round. There is some very substantial evidence that the planet is indeed 'oval' in shape."
Obi-Wan was losing it now. The giggles were overtaking him, even with his master's hand still on his face.
Mace was beginning to sound unhappy.
"Damn it Jinn! Oval or round...It's the same damn shape. Just look out the damn cockpit, you can see the planet, tell them that it is round and get your tails back here."
"Actually Mace, round and oval are very different. Yes they are both curved, but an oval shape is quite the..."
"Qui-Gon!!! Is that Kenobi I hear laughing in the background. So help me, if he's in on this...you've had it. I hear you Kenobi...Jinn, is this what you teach your padawans, to disrespect the Council? You 2 get back here...NOW !!"
The padawans laughter was contagious, and started Qui-Gon into a laughing fit.
"Sorry...Ma..Mace...your...breaking...up...I...HA!...I...can't hear...you...we'll...try and HA!...wrap things...up...here in...about a week....HA!...or so...Jinn...out...Obi-Wan, would you stop laughing...he can hear you...shut up..."
Obi-wan pointed to the light on the comm-panel. "Master...you didn't turn it off...he can still..."
"Damn!"
Mace's voice sounded through the panel. "Jinn? Kenobi? I know you're there..."
"Master, hit the green button...that shuts it off." Obi-Wan was still in a fit of giggles.
"Now you tell me. There! Done! They won't miss us. I say we have another week of relaxation ahead of us. How about it?"
Obi-Wan smiled. "Sure, I don't think I have quite grasped the concept of round vs oval anyway. Should take you a week to explain that one to me."
"How about we take in a day at that ocean Bant was raving about?"
Unable to contain his happiness as hearing that suggestion, Obi-Wan hopped off the
co-pilots seat. "Really? Swimming?"
"Sure, why not."
"What about the Council?"
"Padawan, what have I told you about centering on your anxieties?"
He raised his brow in question. "Not to center on them?"
"Good. The Council can wait. This cannot. We must take advantage of the times when we can spend time relaxing together, my Obi-Wan."
As that famous, yet quirky, Kenobi smile flashed across the young Jedi's face, Qui-Gon realized just how much he had missed it during the events of the recent past.
"Go on...get ready, we'll leave in a few minutes."
"Yes, master...oh and master, I will pack up lunch for us. You know how I feel about your, shall we say, culinary abilities? They leave a lot to be desired. Taste...for one thing..."
Obi-Wan ducked as a Banja fruit was hurled at his head. "HA! Missed!"
"Just for that remark padawan, I will never again prepare that favorite dish of yours, Tarian Steak."
Taking off down the ship's corridor, the apprentice yelled back to his master. "Boy, my luck is changing for the better everyday. Is that a promise master?"
"Brat!! You'll pay for that one too."
The heartwarming sounds of laughter filled the shuttle and for now, at least, everything was as it should be.
END
"Can you help me, I'm Bent.
I'm so scared that I'll never, get put back together.
Keep breaking me in, and this is how we will live,
with you and me, Bent."
---Lyrics and inspiration by singer Rob Thomas (Matchbox Twenty)
Author: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)
Rating: PG-13 (just to be safe)
Summary: pre-TPM, (H/C, angst, non-slash), Obi's recovery from the
events in "If You're Gone."
Disclaimer: Obi, Qui, Mace and Yoda are George's, Healer Darak and Knight Bental are mine.
Archive: Sure, usual, just drop me an e-mail.
Feedback: You know I love it, good or bad. Keeps the ideas flowing.
Notes: This story assumes knowledge of my other fic "If You're Gone."
=============
"BENT"
"If I fall along the way. Pick me up and dust me off.
And if I get to tired to make it, be my breath so I can walk...
Can you help me, I'm Bent.
I'm so scared that I'll never, get put back together.
Keep breaking me in, and this is how we will live,
with you and me, Bent."
---Lyrics and inspiration by singer Rob Thomas (Matchbox Twenty)
========================
Master Healer Darak Quen sat across from his friend, Jedi Master, Qui-Gon Jinn. Both men quietly observed the young man in the next room, Jedi Apprentice Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"It's only been a week Qui-Gon. Only 5 days released from our care. Physically, he is much improved. He's getting stronger by the day. The electro-staff's that were used on his legs damaged the muscles, but things are healing nicely. Now you on the other hand..."
Looking over at the healer and taking a deep breath, Qui-Gon responded. "It's his mind that I am worried about Darak. Emotionally, he is not well. He doesn't sleep much, and he's been kept awake with these severe nightmares. Sometimes he'll wake up screaming, his body just drenched in sweat. But he'll keep insisting that there is nothing wrong, that he can handle it. This is not something he can handle on his own, I don't know why he won't let me help."
"I'll tell you why he's afraid to ask for help. First, he doesn't want to be a burden to you. I'm sure he's thinking that the last thing you need while you are still recovering from your own injuries, is a 20-year-old apprentice who can't sleep through the night. Second, he thinks it'll all just go away if he doesn't talk about it. He'll wake up one day and everything will be normal again. Tell me Qui, has he let you into his mind at all."
Qui-Gon shook his head. "No, his shields are slammed tight. I can't help him unless I know what he saw, what he went through. And he is not a burden to me Darak, he will never be that. I just want to help him."
"I know he's not a burden to you Qui, but look at this from a young Jedi's perspective. This is something he has been trained to handle. He shouldn't have to go running to his master
for help."
Darak paused before continuing. "I believe that everything is related to what he was a witness to. Knight Bental's death is haunting him. It's up to us to get him through this."
The Jedi Master took a step closer to the observation window, watching his padawan carefully. "Do we know what kind of torture Bental was subjected to?"
"The electro-staff's that were used on Kenobi were the main tool of torture. When used at the highest setting, they cause convulsions to rip through the body. It looks as if there was massive internal bleeding as a result of these convulsions. Bental's death was slow and extremely viscous. This is not the way one want's to die."
A thought came to Jinn. "He was married wasn't he?"
"He was. His wife has been cared for. She will be okay given time."
Turning his attention back to his apprentice, a feeling of helplessness came over Jinn.
Obi-Wan sat, knees pulled to his chest, arms wrapped around them. His chin rested on
his knee. "He's scared to death Darak."
Darak threw a sorrowful look in Qui-Gon's direction. "Somehow, we have to break through those feelings, his shields. It's the only way we can help him."
=========================
The last place Obi-Wan wanted to be right now was in Healer Darak's office. The stress of the last few nights had worn his patience and his temper very thin. Dark shadows circled his eyes, evidence of the lack of sleep. He had lost more weight since returning home. He was eating, but not as he should be. His mind wandered now, unable to focus on anything other than what happened on Ventar 6.
The violent images of Bental's death were so vivid that he was forced to relive the Knight's death whenever he closed his eyes. There was nothing that could stop the hurt.
All he wanted was to forget.
For the first few nights, Jinn's student had been woken by the disturbing dreams. He was able to calm himself enough to allow sleep to claim him for a while longer. These past 2 nights had left him unable to even consider sleep. His entire body shook with panic and fear and he struggled to keep from hyperventilating. Obi-Wan would find a comfortable place on the couch in the common area, flip on a holo-vid and stare relentlessly at the screen.
Unknown to Kenobi, Qui-Gon would silently guard him from a distance.
=========================
As the days drew on, the sessions that the master-padawan pair had been attending with Healer Darak, were proving to be of little help. Obi-Wan, for the most part, remained silent throughout, slipping further and further away.
That night, there was a breakthrough of sorts. Obi-Wan had been roused from his sleep by the usual nightmare. He settled into his spot on the couch and fell into the regular routine. This time, Qui-Gon decided to sit with him. It was late and Jinn knew he wouldn't be able to sleep, so he thought he'd make an attempt to reach the boy.
Despite the shields that Obi-Wan had set firmly in place, the emotions had so overwhelmed his mind, that Qui-Gon could easily feel the despair and the unease.
Qui-Gon approached the boy, who sat with his knees drawn to his chest. "Mind if I join you?"
If Obi-Wan was surprised to see his master, it didn't show. "It's okay."
"I wish I could believe that."
After an hour of silence and for no apparent reason, Obi-Wan began talking.
"Master, I don't want to remember. I know healer Darak is trying to help, but I can do this on my own. I just want to forget. Please. All I see is Bental's face. He was so scared, so much pain. Just let me forget. Please help me forget master." It was a desperate plea from a young man who had been through an unimaginable hell.
"The only way to forget padawan, is to remember. Right now, your memories, your feelings control you. We can change that, but you cannot hide from the reality of what happened. Drop your shields padawan, let me help you."
Letting out a deep, shuddering breath, Obi-Wan leaned towards his master, lying his head on Jinn's shoulder. "I just want to forget."
Qui-Gin draped an arm around the boy, shifted into a more comfortable position and sat in silence. The pain he felt in those last few words, were almost too much. Centering himself and his emotions, Qui-Gon offered his padawan the support he needed to make it through another night.
=========================
When he awoke the next morning, Obi-Wan found himself still huddled safely next to his master. Qui-Gon had stayed with him all night. Obi-Wan had never been more grateful. It had allowed him a few hours of sleep.
He slipped from Qui-Gon's side and made his way to the kitchen. Despite his recent lack of appetite, he was actually hungry today. And he set out to make breakfast for them both.
Qui-Gon was intrigued by the smell coming from the kitchen. Going in to investigate, he found that his padawan had cooked up his favorite breakfast. He joined the young Jedi at the table, sitting across from him.
"Thank you Obi-Wan, this looks delicious. Your cooking skills seemed to have surpassed mine."
The old Obi-Wan would have taken that opening and run with it.
**Master, a womp-rat can cook better than you. Not that I am complaining about your cooking. But let's just say that I would rather eat paint chips.**
This version of Obi-Wan, stuck in his deep depression, only nodded. "Yes, master."
Qui-Gon never realized how much he missed that sarcasm and quick wit that used to be
his student.
"Obi-Wan, Healer Darak wants to see us this afternoon for a longer session."
The boy looked lost. "Why?"
"He thinks that it will be good for you, time to focus on your feelings and open your mind."
Obi-Wan only shook his head. "I don't understand master, why is it so important that I talk about what happened? It'll go away if I..."
"No, padawan, it will not go away. This will always be a part of you. But, it will not always control your life as it does now. You must take that control back. Will it be painful to do that? Yes, it will. I can't promise you that it will not hurt. What I can promise you is that, I will be here with you."
"Thank you, master. May I be excused? I should go clean my room as you had asked me to."
Now at a loss for words, Qui-Gon allowed Obi-Wan to move away from the pain this time. "Yes, padawan, you may." As he watched his once proud student leave the kitchen, the Jedi felt his heart sink. Obi-Wan was lost, Qui-Gon wondered if he'd ever find his way back.
=========================
They entered Darak's office that afternoon, and the healer directed them to have a seat on the couch. "Obi, you take a seat here...Qui, you sit next to him. Always with him."
The 2-hour session again did nothing to help the boy. In fact, he seemed even more withdrawn this time.
Qui-Gon sent his student on his way. "Obi-Wan, I want you to go back to our quarters and try and get some sleep. I shall return shortly."
Obediently, Obi-Wan bowed slightly. "Yes, master."
Once Kenobi had left the room, Qui-Gon turned to his friend.
"This is not helping him Darak."
"Tomorrow is a new day. I have an idea that may work, but emotionally, will be painful for both of you."
"And what is that?"
"I see one of 3 things can happening here. Either he will never talk about what happened, or, he may let us in on tiny pieces every so often. What I honestly believe will happen, is that when he goes, it'll all be at once. He'll breakdown completely, shields and all. I will see you both tomorrow at noon hour."
Qui-Gon nodded. "I will make sure we are on time. Good day Darak."
=========================
That next day came quickly. Obi-Wan had spent another restless night on the couch, again with his master at his side. He was dreading another 2-hour session with the mind healer.
Darak greeted the pair. "Hello, gentlemen, make yourselves at home."
As Obi-Wan found a comfortable place on the couch, Darak noted that he sat closer to
Qui-Gon than he had in previous sessions. Perhaps he needed that feeling of safety that only Jinn could provide.
The pair settled in and the healer began the session.
"Obi-Wan, I want you to tell me what you saw on the planet. What did you feel when Knight Bental was suffering through his final moments? What did he say to you?"
The padawan's head snapped up and he looked directly into Darak's coal black eyes. Almost immediately, he then looked away. His face filled with the fear and panic that usually only followed the nightmares.
The healer continued to press the issue. "Tell me Obi-Wan, what was so horrible that you cannot talk about. I need to know what you saw. Tell me Apprentice, what did you see on that planet...I need..."
Obi-Wan's breathing became ragged as he began to feel control slipping away. "No...please...I don't want to talk about this. Just make it go away...it'll go away..."
Darak exchanged a brief glance with Jinn, who nodded his approval to keep pushing.
There was no easy way out. They were at a crossroad, and would follow the path that was the most painful.
"Obi-Wan, you've been with Qui-Gon for 8 years now. You've seen death, torture, and famine. There was something more here wasn't there? Tell me. Tell Qui-Gon. What happened down there? What did you see? Hear? Would you dishonor a Knight's life by refusing to allow his final words to be known? What about his wife Obi-Wan, she has the right to know what happened to him. Tell me what you saw Obi-Wan...what you were feeling as you watched him take his last breath. Only you were there Apprentice. Only you can tell us what..."
He was cut off. Obi-Wan stood up, the pent up anger and fear flaring.
Darak's idea was working perfectly.
"NO !! STOP IT !! STOP !! I have not dishonored him, I would never do that. You have no idea what I went through. NO IDEA!!"
"Then tell me Obi-Wan."
"I watched him die...WATCHED HIM DIE!!! And I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I was there...he was pleading with me to help him, begging for me to do something to end the pain. I could only stand there and watch it happen. They wouldn't let me go to him, to help him, to comfort him. Just kept hitting him with those damn staffs, his body went through one convulsion after another. His mouth, his eyes were filled with blood. He called out for me, I was...DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME THAT I HAVE DISHONORED HIM!!! I was there to see his last breath, hear his last words. I don't want to relive that. I see his face everywhere. Hear his voice in my head. I JUST WANT IT TO STOP!! I want my life back. Is that asking to much?"
Taking a brief break from his tirade to catch his breath, Obi-Wan wandered to the far corner of the room. Darak looked at Qui-Gon. Jinn took the initiative this time.
"Obi-Wan, what do you see in your dreams?"
The apprentice was facing the wall as he responded to his teacher.
"I see him, master. I hear his last words. I see his pain. He told me to tell his wife that he loved her more than life itself. How he wished they could spend the rest of their lives together. How much he would miss her. Said for me to tell her that they would meet again. That she would never be alone, he would always be with her. There is no death, there is the force."
His voice cracked with emotion.
"Why did he tell me these things master? Why? I close my eyes, and he's there. I feel his pain over and over. Do you have any idea what that kind of pain feels like? Why did they have to do that to him, they made him suffer so much. I don't know what to do now...master what do I do? How do I make this go away?"
Qui-Gon got up and stood at a distance, facing his padawan who was still staring at the wall.
"I can't begin to say that I understand what you are going through Obi-Wan. I can't even pretend that I do. What I do know is that I don't want to see you hurting. I don't like this feeling. Please, let me help you...let me..."
Obi-Wan erupted again. "NO !!! I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP. I DON'T...need your help. I just want to forget. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND...how...how much it hurts inside?"
As Darak encouraged Qui-Gon to continue, Obi-Wan leaned forward, his head against the wall. Clenching his hands, the boy used every last bit of strength to keep from breaking down.
Despite his words, he wanted nothing more than to open his thoughts to his master, to drop his shields and free his mind. More than anything he wanted to feel the comfort and warmth of Qui-Gon's embrace. He longed for the safety of those arms that would chase away the demons. But he was so scared.
"I know it hurts padawan. I see the pain. I don't want to see you like this. Do you know what I felt when you were down on that planet, and no one could find you. You were thought to be dead. They found Bental's body. I knew that could've been you. I didn't know where you were, what had happened to you. I was scared too Obi-Wan. I have never been that scared in all my years. You are the most important part of my life. What happens to you, happens to me...Don't shut me out padawan. Yes, you went through this alone. You're not alone anymore. We can get past this. Together, we can do this. All I ask is that you drop your shields an let me help you...allow the healing process to begin."
Qui-Gon turned an ear towards Darak. "He's close Qui, he'll break soon. Go to him, but let him be the first to reach out. He must take that first step."
Exhausted, Obi-Wan felt the sobs escaping between breaths. He held his position as his master moved closer. "I'm sorry...master...I tried to ..help him...to comfort him...so much pain...that's all he...felt. Noth...ing I did....could help him...I don't
know...how to h...help him now..."
Slowly, Kenobi turned, his back now leaning against the wall. A moment later he let his tired body begin it's descent, sliding down the wall until he was sitting upright.
"I just...want to...forget...make it all stop master...please make it all go away...forget..."
Qui-Gon knelt beside his student. Obi-Wan glanced up with tear filled eyes. He reached out a hand towards his master. "Help me master...please." Within seconds, the shields that had been so tightly closed, were dropped. Qui-Gon knew that healing could finally begin.
Without another word, Qui-Gon gently wrapped his padawan in a tight embrace. Obi-Wan fell bonelessly into the arms that offered nothing but comfort and love. This is what he had sought all along, but was too afraid to reach out for. Perhaps now, everything would be okay.
=========================
Master and padawan lost track of how long they stayed huddled together, but it seemed
like hours. Obi-Wan had cried for a long time. As he cried, he told his master of his nightmares. What he had seen and what he had felt. How he feared, after watching Bental die, that he would never see his home again. Locked in a dark cell, he had thought about how much he would miss the temple, his friends, his master.
As long as Obi-Wan was still sharing his feelings and still transmitting the disturbing images that flooded his mind, Qui-Gon would sit with him. He would hold him as long as necessary for the pain to subside.
=========================
As Darak watched the scene unfold, he smiled. It had taken some time and a great deal of patience, but the effort had paid off. Allowing the pair to have the time they needed, he left them alone to heal.
Exiting the room, he found Yoda waiting for him.
"Master Yoda, to what do I owe this pleasure?"
"Well you have done, difficult I know this was. Start healing, they both can."
"I can only take part of the credit. They share a bond that I don't completely understand. Qui-Gon was really the one to break through. I simply encouraged him. It'll take some time, but he'll be okay. He will not be going on any missions for a while. Both of them are to remain grounded on this planet, until further notice."
Yoda gave a tiny smile. "Who are you to make decisions for the council?"
"I am a Master Healer, and if I say they are to stay put on-planet, I expect my orders to be obeyed."
"Humph...speak to you later, I will, Healer Darak."
The Jedi Master left the room, mumbling something about healers having to much power and what the counsel may have to do to change that.
Darak could do nothing but laugh at the troll as he excited the Medi-Ward.
=========================
It was a few hours later when Qui-Gon decided he'd better get up off the floor before further therapy was required for his back. Obi-Wan was still snuggled in his arms, breathing quietly, but awake.
"Padawan, we need to get up, this is not good for my back. We can go home, get you something to eat and try this sleep thing again."
Obi-Wan was not eager to move. "Master, can't I just stay here a bit longer. I promise
I'll be quiet. It's nice here...safe."
"My dear apprentice, as much as I have enjoyed this time with you, if I stay here much longer, walking is something that I will have to learn anew."
Obi-Wan nodded, his head still leaning against Qui-Gon's chest. "Yes, master." But still made no attempt to get up.
So, Qui-Gon forced him up, helping him to steady himself before leading him out the door. Darak was there to see them off.
"Thanks for coming, glad we made some progress today. Qui, I want to see him, once a day, for an hour. This is the beginning. There's a long way yet to go."
"Thank you my friend, for what you have done. I am in your debt. We will be back tomorrow."
=========================
As the healing sessions continued, Obi-Wan became more like his old self. The nightmares persisted, but with each passing day, they lessened in severity. In a month's time, they invaded his dreams only sporadically.
The Council held a formal funeral for Knight Siron Bental and it allowed Kenobi the opportunity to speak with the Knight's wife and tell her how important she had been in her husband's life.
Qui-Gon was given the go ahead to be put back on active duty.
Soon after, Obi-Wan was as well.
The Council was never so happy to see 2 Jedi leave for a mission as when Jinn and Kenobi left for Valus. They had done nothing but drive the Council nuts since they had been cleared for off-planet duty.
Healer Darak has arranged for this mission to Valus. He put a word into the Council's ear that a mission to the planet, no matter how dull, would mean a chance for the pair to relax before they were sent out to save the galaxy. He considered it a working vacation.
Qui-Gon was not extremely pleased to be attending pointless meetings on their first mission in over 2 months, but his attitude was changed when he saw that the spark of life in his padawan had returned. He couldn't help but smile.
"Master, this is wonderful. Have you ever been to Valus? Bant has, she says it the most beautiful planet in the universe. She told me that the Oceans are the most brilliant blue. It's perfect for a vacation."
"Obi-Wan, we are not on vacation, we have a mission to attend to."
Kenobi laughed. "Master, please, the world's 2 parties are arguing over whether or not the planet of Valus is round. This is hardly something that will take much thought. I think we can wrap this up in say, oh, about an hour."
"You may have a point there padawan. Let's be off."
=========================
Indeed the mission negotiations, as they were called, were brief. So master and padawan were able to take time out for themselves.
A week into the trip, Mace Windu contacted Jinn.
"I would like to know where you are. This minor quarrel should have taken no more than a day to resolve."
Obi-Wan, who sat next to Qui-Gon during the transmission could hardly contain himself. His laughter almost giving them up. Jinn attempted to shut him up by slapping a hand over his mouth.
"Mace, good to hear from you. Actually this is a bit rougher than we thought...we are having a hard time proving that the planet is, in fact, round. There is some very substantial evidence that the planet is indeed 'oval' in shape."
Obi-Wan was losing it now. The giggles were overtaking him, even with his master's hand still on his face.
Mace was beginning to sound unhappy.
"Damn it Jinn! Oval or round...It's the same damn shape. Just look out the damn cockpit, you can see the planet, tell them that it is round and get your tails back here."
"Actually Mace, round and oval are very different. Yes they are both curved, but an oval shape is quite the..."
"Qui-Gon!!! Is that Kenobi I hear laughing in the background. So help me, if he's in on this...you've had it. I hear you Kenobi...Jinn, is this what you teach your padawans, to disrespect the Council? You 2 get back here...NOW !!"
The padawans laughter was contagious, and started Qui-Gon into a laughing fit.
"Sorry...Ma..Mace...your...breaking...up...I...HA!...I...can't hear...you...we'll...try and HA!...wrap things...up...here in...about a week....HA!...or so...Jinn...out...Obi-Wan, would you stop laughing...he can hear you...shut up..."
Obi-wan pointed to the light on the comm-panel. "Master...you didn't turn it off...he can still..."
"Damn!"
Mace's voice sounded through the panel. "Jinn? Kenobi? I know you're there..."
"Master, hit the green button...that shuts it off." Obi-Wan was still in a fit of giggles.
"Now you tell me. There! Done! They won't miss us. I say we have another week of relaxation ahead of us. How about it?"
Obi-Wan smiled. "Sure, I don't think I have quite grasped the concept of round vs oval anyway. Should take you a week to explain that one to me."
"How about we take in a day at that ocean Bant was raving about?"
Unable to contain his happiness as hearing that suggestion, Obi-Wan hopped off the
co-pilots seat. "Really? Swimming?"
"Sure, why not."
"What about the Council?"
"Padawan, what have I told you about centering on your anxieties?"
He raised his brow in question. "Not to center on them?"
"Good. The Council can wait. This cannot. We must take advantage of the times when we can spend time relaxing together, my Obi-Wan."
As that famous, yet quirky, Kenobi smile flashed across the young Jedi's face, Qui-Gon realized just how much he had missed it during the events of the recent past.
"Go on...get ready, we'll leave in a few minutes."
"Yes, master...oh and master, I will pack up lunch for us. You know how I feel about your, shall we say, culinary abilities? They leave a lot to be desired. Taste...for one thing..."
Obi-Wan ducked as a Banja fruit was hurled at his head. "HA! Missed!"
"Just for that remark padawan, I will never again prepare that favorite dish of yours, Tarian Steak."
Taking off down the ship's corridor, the apprentice yelled back to his master. "Boy, my luck is changing for the better everyday. Is that a promise master?"
"Brat!! You'll pay for that one too."
The heartwarming sounds of laughter filled the shuttle and for now, at least, everything was as it should be.
END
"Can you help me, I'm Bent.
I'm so scared that I'll never, get put back together.
Keep breaking me in, and this is how we will live,
with you and me, Bent."
---Lyrics and inspiration by singer Rob Thomas (Matchbox Twenty)