Disclaimer: Slayers belongs to Hajime Kanzaka, not me. The pun "UnCONventional" belongs to the creator of CONvicts, who is still not me.
An UnCONventional Vacation: Chapter One
Zelgadis sighed as he looked up at the sky. Black rain clouds blotted out the sun's rays, and the chimera thought he heard thunder. With his enhanced hearing, he could tell that the storm was roughly two hours away. At least we're going to be dry, he thought.
Xelloss couldn't have been less concerned with the weather conditions. He had more important things to worry about. Grinning, he turned to his traveling companion. "Aren't you excited?"
"No. I have no idea how you managed to drag me all the way out here, but I can assure you, I am not coming willingly."
Xelloss pouted. Zelgadis angsted.
"Listen, stone-boy. I could have come here by myself." No reply. "Do you know why I didn't?"
"Frankly, I don't care."
"Then I won't tell you."
Pout. Angst. Silence.
"You sure you don't wanna know?"
"Yes."
"Then, I'll tell you."
"Perfect." Sometimes, chimeric hearing was definitely not an asset. Zelgadis probably would have preferred to be deaf sometimes.
"Because I wanted you to have some fun. Listen, nobody here will notice your…condition…curse…whatever you wanna call it."
Suddenly, Zelgadis perked up. Just what Xelloss wanted.
"And why not?"
"Because everyone's a freak here!"
THWACK. Angst-angst.
---
"Miss Li-ina!"
"What?"
"How much longer do we have to wait in this li-ine?!"
"Number one: I still don't know. Number two: STOP WHINING!"
Amelia sniffled. "My big sister always used to tell me that…"
Lina cringed. The words "big sister" always brought back bad memories.
"Miss Lina?"
Sigh. "What?"
"Please get off of my leg."
"Oh, sorry."
---
"NO! I absolutely refuse!"
Xelloss grinned madly. "Pleeeease?"
"N-O."
"Y-E-S."
"You may have talked me into coming to this convention. You may have talked me into buying tickets for you. But you are NOT going to talk me into this."
"But you'll look so cute!"
Deathglare.
Deathgrin.
Deathglomp.
"WHAT the..?" Zelgadis exclaimed, suddenly face to face with an acne-covered teenage girl.
"Are you…Zelgadis Greywords?"
"Of COURSE he is!"
Zelgadis drew his sword. "Who are you and what do you want with me?"
"I am-"
"SIR! Put that weapon away!"
"So-rry, Mister Security Guard Sir! It won't happen again!" Xelloss then turned to Zelgadis with both eyes open. "Will it, Mister Zelgadis?"
"Of course it won't," Zelgadis said, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, what were you saying, miss? Miss?" He shook the girl lightly.
"She appears to have passed out."
"A sleeping spell?"
"No. Bishie-itis.
"Inflamation of the-?"
"JUST leave her there. She'll be fine."
"Why should I trust you, you purple-haired freak?!"
"My-my! We shouldn't throw that word around lightly, my little statuette!"
"Little statu-WHAT?! I don't care if you think you're immortal- I WILL KILL YOU!"
---
"POCKY!"
"Miss Lina! Show some self-restraint!"
"NEVER! GIVE ME POCKY!" The red-haired sorceress set off running. Her brunette conscience grabbed her by the shirt.
"MISS LINA! You're making a scene!"
"I'll make an even bigger one if I don't get my Pocky!"
"But Miss Li-na! You spent all your money on gasoline!"
Lina suddenly stopped running. "I knew I should have just used Ray Wing…" A devious smile suddenly spread over her face.
"Oh no. Miss Lina… please.. there are other ways to solve-"
"Gimme that credit card!"
"But Daddy'll-"
Lina lowered her voice. "Give me the Credit Card of the Royal House of Saillune, or I'll sacrifice these…Naruto cosplayers!"
Amelia considered the problem. She knew it was unjust to kill a fellow human being for selfish means- her father taught her that- but… sometimes she questioned whether or not Naruto fans were even human, much less mortal. She was just beginning to ponder the life cycle of a Naruticus cosplayerus when she realized that Lina was missing. So was her credit card.
"This is not good."
---
Xelloss snickered. Everything was going according to plan.
---
"So this is Uber-Con, huh?" Phibrizo looked up at the towering ceilings, the rich carpeting, and the inviting sparkle of a nearby weapons booth. "I could get used to this."
The miniature mazoku strode confidently over to a salesman. "Excuse me, sir, but how much is that scimitar?"
"Which, the sword with the jewel incrusted handle, or the black one with the gold leaf?" the man replied with a slight western twang.
Phibrizo considered his options for a moment. "Both."
"Well, the total would come to just shy of $735."
"I'll take it!" Finally, finally, he would have a weapon worthy to be carried by the great and powerful-
"No deal."
"What." No one is allowed to interrupt Phibrizo's dream sequences. No. One.
"Well, to start out, you're a minor."
"A minor.
"Ya sure look like one, at least."
Phibrizo suppressed a giggle. "I'm buying it for my… daddy."
"Let me tell you what, I'll make ya a deal. You bring your father here, and I'll sell you the knives. Fair?"
"On second thought, I think I'll pass up your generous offer," Phibrizo replied with a childish glimmer in his eye. "Thanks anyway!"
"Well I never!" the salesman said to himself. "Now there's a kid who minds his p's and q's!"
It's a good thing he didn't notice the two empty spaces on the display wall.
---
"Darn you…Xelloss…darn you…Xelloss….darn you…"
"Aww, lighten up, Zel! Opportunities like this don't turn up every day!"
"I wouldn't call this an opportunity, per se."
"C'mon!" Xelloss nudged the chimera in the ribs. "What could go wrong?"
"I would rather not think about it."
---
"Yummy-yum." Lina patted her full stomach. "That was enough Pocky to last me at least…a week!"
"Mmph! Mm-mmph mmph mm-mph mm-mph!" Amelia protested from behind her gag.
"What's that, Amelia? I can't quite…"
"Mmph-mm! Mmph mmph mm-mm!"
"You think I should get seconds? What a great idea!"
"MMPH!"
"You want me to tie you up tighter? You wish you looked half as cute as me? Justice is over-rated?"
"MMPH-MM MMPH MMPH MM-MM MMPH MM!!!"
"You're admitting you like Zelgadis?!"
"MMPH MMPH-MM!"
"You're blu-shing! You're blu-shing!"
---
Several booths away, Martina and her husband were going shopping. It wasn't exactly Zangulus's cup of tea, but he was extremely tolerant when it came to Martina's needs. And wants.
"Ooh! I'd like one of these, and one of these, and three of…"
"Martina-dear?"
"Yeeesss?"
"You…we have quite a few packages already, so…"
"So?"
"Should I, you know…"
"Yes, cupcake?"
"Go outside and drop them off in the, um, car?" The swordsman always got a little nervous when Martina was in Full Shopping Mode. She was like a time bomb, an extremely attractive, scantily-clad time bomb.
"Of course you should, dear! What a perfect idea!"
Zangulus sighed, relieved. Crisis averted.
---
"You look adorable!"
"You need to have your head examined."
"True, if I actually had a head. My human body's just a projection, you know."
ANGST: (ängkst) n 1 A feeling of anxiety or apprehension often accompanied by depression. 2A chimera dressed in an early-Elizabethan-style ensemble, complete with tights.
"Now let's meet your adoring fangirls!" Xelloss practically sang.
"I have no fangirls. Anyone who knows me knows that."
Xelloss facefaulted. Once he brushed himself off, he turned to the tragically misinformed chimera.
"Have you ever been on the internet?"
"It doesn't say anything about my cure."
"How do you know?"
"I checked."
"And just how did you check?"
"Google."
Xelloss, though trained by many thousands of years of masked emotions, could not contain his laughter.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
"Thanks."
The mazoku leaned on his staff and took a few deep breaths. "You… Googled… your cure? How?"
Zel's voice suddenly took on the quality of one you would use to talk to a young child. "I typed 'chimera cure' into the little box, and then I pressed the button that said 'I'm Feeling Lucky'."
THWAM. That was the sound of a mazoku hitting the ground for the second time. "You need to have your head examined. 'I'm Feeling Lucky' only gives you one result." He shook his head. "Just out of curiousity, what one result did you get?"
Zelgadis blushed. "A fansite for Tony Chimera… of the Buffalo Bills."
Xelloss suddenly became re-aquainted with the carpet.
---
That darn Phibrizo…he has to be around here somewhere…
Demon Dragon King Gaav paced up and down the aisles of the convention, occasionally pausing to admire his reflection in his sword. Valgaav, his servant, had done a wonderful restoration job. In fact, the half-dragon was the only one of his servants to remain faithful after his death. Okay, maybe he was a bit obsessive. Maybe he went so far as to collect every one of Gaav's ashes so that he could put them in an urn. Fine, it was a sarcophagus. But at least he was faithful.
"E-excuse me, sir?" He felt something tugging on his trenchcoat.
"WHAT?!"
"C-can I take a picture with you?"
Gaav glared at the girl and estimated her to be no more than fourteen. She might be one of Phibrizo's pesky underlings, he reminded himself.
"Is this some kind of joke?!"
"N-no, sir. It's just that…that Gaav was one of my favorite characters. It's so sad he died, ya know…"
Externally, Gaav remained stern. Internally, however:
OMG I HAVE A FANGIRL1!!1!!!!1!!1!11
"Sir…sir? Gaav-san? Are you okay?"
"Perfecly fine, thank you! Of course you can have your picture!"
---
"Now, it's easy when you really try, Zelgadis."
"No. No, it's not."
Ignoring the chimera's response, Xelloss continued. "You just need to open up the doors to the dealer's room and walk in. Afterwards, you just do what comes naturally!"
"What comes naturally?"
"What comes naturally."
Zelgadis pulled down the brim of his feathered hat, cloaking his face in shadow. "I'm naturally antisocial."
Sweatdrop."Just pretend you're human again."
"Impossible."
"That you just found your cure?"
Zel shook his head hopelessly.
Suddenly, Xelloss had an idea. His eyes opened slightly."That there's a Claire Bible manuscript hiddden amongst the many hundreds of manga comics and artbooks randomly scattered across the-"
Zelgadis roughly grabbed the front of the mazoku's cloak and began to shake.
"CLAIRE BIBLE?! Where?"
"That…is a secret!"