Keller lay staring blankly at the ceiling, trying to will herself into unconsciousness. She glanced at the clock on her dresser and sighed; 4am. She swung her legs out of bed and padded across her bedroom floor, ignoring the way goosebumps raised on her arm when the cool air hit her skin. Even though it was January, and Autumn had finally relinquished its hold and let winter take over Keller was still only dressed in a pair of sweats and a tank top.
Shrugging into Galen's jumper she wrapped it around herself and inhaled as she stepped outside into the hallway. His scent was embedded into the fibres almost as strongly as it was into her memory and she closed her eyes and remembered his face, golden hair shining in the sunlight, eyes sparkling with laughter.
Her feet were leading her on autopilot down the cold moonlit corridors, as her mind was swallowed into the dark corners of grief that had been occupying her head for the past two weeks. One day, she guessed, his jumper would stop smelling like him and then she would only have her memories to remind her of the way he smelt; like cinnamon and sandalwood and sunlight all rolled into one, she told herself. And even then, later, when she was old and greying, she might forget the way the sunlight would tint his hair a beautiful gold and make him seem to glow, or the way his eyes seemed to hold their own light. She forced herself again to remember the last time he had held her, or told her he loved her, or smiled at one of their silly little jokes. She would not allow herself to forget him, ever. Even when her vision grew hazy and her heart slowed in old age she would always cherish the feelings he had created in her, the way her heart had sung when he held her hand, the way his eyes glowed as if he were falling in love all over again when they would laugh together. Even though she had only known him for months, it would be enough to last a lifetime.
Keller looked up to see that she had arrived at the balcony looking out at the city. The sky was an inky bruised blue, broken only by the stars scattered like glitter and the twinkling of the city outstretched before her. It was quiet, almost silent, and as she inhaled all she could smell was cold air and the night. She fought against the tears threatening to overwhelm her and won, to some degree, managing to hold most of them back and preventing herself from breaking down completely.
The other day breakers were surprised at how well she had taken Galen's disappearance, most of them suspecting that the reality hadn't really sunk in for her yet. Of course the whole of circle daybreak was melancholy, each grieving in their own quiet way, wondering if any of them would ever see him again. But they all pitied her, felt responsible for looking after her now because her soul mate could be lost forever. She had made the decision as soon as she had been told about Galen's lack of communication with circle daybreak, that she would be strong for him, that she would not cry in front of the others and that she would remain optimistic like she knew he would want her to. Because if she did cry, surely that would mean that she had accepted that he was gone, and then there could be no hope that he would return.
And they all thought she was so strong, but the truth was that she couldn't bear it, a few times she had wished that she knew where he was, that surely any news was better than the uncertainty, but then she had realized what the news could be and had quickly re evaluated, hoping beyond hope that wherever Galen was, he was happy, and if that were the case she couldn't ask for anything more. She was the weakest of them all, but none of them knew, all they could see was the powerful fighter, strong and will full, clinging with unrealistic obstinacy that her soul mate would return to her unscathed, and pitying her for her unwavering misplaced faith.
She leant heavily against the cool metal railing, letting her hair fall like a dark curtain between herself and the real world, feeling herself falling back into the memories, powerless to stop it, as the tears continued to mark tracks down her numb skin.
She was standing next to him, as Thierry told him he had been selected for a mission, he was practically glowing with pride, ecstatic that he had been accepted and excited that he could help circle daybreak when they had done so much for him and his soul mate. She looked up at Galen, taking his warm hand in hers and entwining their fingers. He looked down and smiled his beautiful peaceful smile before looking back at Thierry.
The scene melted away into another, slightly more anxious scene. Galen was holding her close to him, pressing her against his chest as if he needed her there just to breathe. She pressed her cheek into his chest and hugged him tightly, whispering 'I love you' as he did the same, over and over. She didn't know when she would see him again, hopefully in a few weeks, as it wasn't a major mission. He pulled away gently and kissed her on the forehead, telling her to take care of herself whilst he was gone and that he would be back before Christmas, and she fought the overwhelming urge to grab for his hand and never let go. They had known that at some point they would have to part, temporarily, but neither of them had expected the anxiety or the pain it would cause them.
She wanted him to stay, and would have told him so if he hadn't been so determined to do good, 'to become a true daybreaker' as he had put it. She didn't want to stand in his way and so she had let him go, telling him one last time that she loved him before he left her alone, surrounded by friends and yet entirely alone. She had let him go.
She felt the grief overwhelm her, but was pulled back to the present by a warm hand over hers, and she jumped, whirling around and pressing her back against the railing.
"You- You st-startled me" she managed to choke out through her tears, as she felt Quinn pull her towards him into a brotherly hug. She would normally have fought the display of affection but when she tried she found she just couldn't find the energy.
"I'm sorry, Raksha" Quinn mumbled, pulling away when she did and averting his gaze as she swiped uselessly at her eyes.
"Don't call me that, John" she mumbled half heartedly and saw him smile sadly. Keller realized that he hadn't yet asked the most obvious question and she was grateful, for it was obvious what she was doing out here, crying by herself.
"If you want me to leave, I will. I just thought you might need someone to talk to" he held her gaze and felt his heart break, she was so broken, he could tell by her eyes, and she was like a little sister to him. During his time at circle daybreak he had grown close to all of the other members but found that he had grown fond of Keller especially, something about her reminded him of his love, Rashel.
"I don't want to talk" she mumbled, struggling to reinforce all the walls which had come tumbling down over the past two weeks.
"Want and need are two very different things Keller" Quinn said sadly "You have to let someone in sometime."
"When did you get so wise" she muttered sullenly, giving up on trying to put the fierceness back in her voice.
"Believe it or not I have been known to talk sense every now and again. And I'm a good listener"
Keller just nodded and turned around to lean against the railing again, as Quinn did the same, standing next to her.
"I know how you must be feeling-" Quinn started, but Keller cut him off, immediately offended.
"No you don't, how could you have any idea how I'm feeling, you and Rashel are both safe and together" she fought back the tears again.
"I do" Quinn said quietly "You're feeling alone, obviously. And betrayed that he could leave you like this, you want to be angry at him for not being here but at the same time I should imagine you're worried sick, and you don't really want to believe that he's gone. Because you're the only one left that still has faith in him when everyone else seems to have given up hope, you think that if you do show how much you miss him, then he must be gone, because there's no one left to tell you otherwise'
Keller stared at him in astonishment, silently meeting his gaze questioningly.
"I lost someone once" he sighed "her name was Dove. She was from a respected family, and so beautiful. I fell in love with her completely. We were going to marry, but Hunter decided to turn me into a vampire before it could happen."
Keller stared at Quinn, suddenly seeing him in a whole new light. Of course, everyone knew that he had been changed by Hunter, but she hadn't known the circumstances.
"But- you love Rashel" she stuttered, shocked.
"Oh, of course! I love Rashel more than anything else in the universe, more than my own life. But that's different, she's my soul mate, she's all I'll ever want. But Dove was my first love, and it hurt when I lost her"
"What happened?" Keller asked in a small voice, taking his hand.
"My father, he was a priest, found out about...us. He realized what the Redfern family were and tried to kill us all. He didn't manage to get to Hunter, but he killed Dove. I'd never felt more betrayed. And amidst all the grief and pain there was always anger at Dove for leaving me on my own, with only the prospect of being alone forever."
Quinn was staring out at the distant city lights, remembering another time, and Keller threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly. "I'm sorry." She whispered as he hugged her back.
"I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. That you're not the only one that's felt like this. And that even if you forget things about him, I'm sure you'll always remember Galen. And I wanted you to know that even if you never see him again, there's still love in the world, you're still cared for."
Keller smiled sadly at him "Thank you." She said simply. "You've been such a help, Quinn"
"Don't worry about it. I think I'm going to go back inside now, unless you want me to stay. But remember I'm always here if you want to talk."
Keller smiled at him and nodded "That's fine, I'll come in if I get cold, I promise".
"Okay. And Keller, I wouldn't worry about Galen, he may not have as much experience as the rest of us when it comes to fighting but he loves you too much to leave you"
Keller smiled at him again and whispered "I know" as Quinn went back inside, closing the door softly behind him. She didn't feel as alone as she had before, and was grateful for the first time that she was surrounded by so many people that cared about her. She still felt lost, she had lost her best friend and her soul mate and she would never be able to be who she was before.
She stayed out in the peace of the balcony until daybreak, and when she heard the first signs of life from inside the house she slipped back into the warmth and comfort of the familiar hallways and made her way silently to her room.