•KING of SORROW•
It was a warm spring day, the cherry blossoms were in bloom, the hummingbirds hummed a beautiful tune as the bees and butterflies danced around the blue skies. It was a good day….it had been a lot of those type of days since the war with the saviors had ended and Negan had fled. Almost three years had passed since then and Alexandria had finally felt like home.
Carl awoke to the smell of strawberry hazelnut pancakes and fried ham filling the air, 'Michonne's up early' he thought as his mouth instantly watered thinking about devouring the meal. Carl had to admit that he loved her cooking, nothing was better than coming home from patrol and being able to eat whatever amazing things she concocted. Carl jumped out of his bed and headed downstairs towards the kitchen, the sound of singing and giggling stopped him in his tracks. He moved towards the archway; a smile spreading across his face as he watched Michonne standing at the stove as his father stood behind her swaying while serenading her with Peter Frampton's 'Baby I love your way'. Her smile brightened the room as she responded to the soft kisses he left along her shoulder as a protective hand sat at her waist; almost forgetting a small audience was in the room.
"CARL'S UP!" Judith shouted happily as she munched on the sliced strawberries in front of her. Carl rustled one of her pigtails as a distraction as he slipped one of the slices into his mouth. She laughed at his gesture and continued eating, not realizing one was missing, a smirk spread across his face before looking towards his father who quickly turned to greet him.
"I see your finally up" he smiled out his hand still planted firmly on Michonne's stomach. Carl lifted a eyebrow curiously before responding
"Yeah….I was going to sleep in until I smelt Michonne's cooking…I decided eating was way more important than sleeping …you know I can't live without her food" he responded with a chuckle
"Yeah…me either" his father nodded happily as he kissed her shoulder once more before taking a seat at the table and taking a sip of his black coffee.
"Need any help, Ma?" Carl asked watching her scoop the last pancake onto a plate
"Thanks but you're a little too late kid" she chuckled out as she turned around with plates stacked high with pancakes and fried ham. She set them on the table before grabbing the freshly squeezed orange juice off the counter and placing it down. Carl took a seat and immediately dug in, filling his plate with the delicious meal, Rick sliced up a pancake and piece of ham for Judith before fixing Michonne and his plate.
Carl watched as she took a seat next to his father, a tired sigh escaped her before she began eating. He noticed the extra portions his father gave her as she hummed and moaned happily as she ate, the decadent meal waking her up from whatever tiredness that plagued her moments before. He had always known Michonne to be a foodie, she loved food and it loved her, but he had never seen her that happy while eating or having that large of a portion in one sitting. Come to think of it; a lot of new things had been unfolding surrounding Michonne in recent weeks; she was super emotional, everything made her cry..he remembered her sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor wailing and holding a empty container to her chest because his father had ate the last of the brownies that Carol sent over from The Kingdom days prior …the only thing that shut her up was Jesus whipping up another batch and when she got them she sat on the couch scowling at his father while eating them…refusing to talk to him for days after that. Another thing was her stomach turning cravings and appetite, Michonne lived in the kitchen eating any and everything in sight, including her midnight snack of sardines covered in peanut butter sauce, it was one of the grossest things that he had ever smelt, he gagged just thinking about it but she loved indulging in it almost every night. Her tiredness, if his dad didn't wake her up, Michonne would sleep well into the evening time. Every time he saw her she was yawning and dragging herself around. Yet out of all of those things she had a certain indescribable glow that exuded from her; she was radiant, almost as if her skin had been kissed by Ra himself. Carl couldn't put his finger on it but he knew something was happening and he hoped whatever it may be, that something good would come of it.
•
I'm crying everyone's tears
And there inside our private war
I died the night before
And all of these remnants of joy and disaster
What am I suppose to do
•
The sound of boots trudging heavily down the stairs lured Carl out of the kitchen from his afternoon fridge rummage. He watched his father hurriedly making his way towards the front door, a brooding expression on his face.
"Dad!" Carl called out to him. His father stopped and immediately looked towards him
"Hey son" he breathed out in a almost rushed tone
"Everything okay?" he questioned suspiciously
"Yeah…everything's fine. I just gotta go grab some ginger tea from Heath. He made a batch for Michonne" he responded a little more calmly
"Is Mom okay?" sudden distress filling his tone
"Yeah…she's okay….she will be okay. Don't worry" Rick assured as he nodded with a small smile before glancing up the stairs, "Alright….I'll be back in a few..Judy shouldn't be up from her nap before then but if she wakes up…keep her occupied until 'Chonne comes back down…okay?" he asked as he looked back towards Carl
"Yeah…okay dad" he agreed trying to mask the unease that had settled in his stomach. His father squeezed his shoulder tenderly before heading out the door. Carl watched as the door closed before his eyes drifted towards the stairs. He needed to figure out what was going on, most importantly he had to ensure that she was okay.
•
I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul
But nothing would change, nothing would change at all
It's just a day that brings it all about
Just another day and nothing's any good
•
He slowly made his way down the hall; he stopped in front of his parents' bedroom, quietly putting his ear to the door to hear for movement. Nothing stirred; he knocked gently at the door. No answer, Carl took a deep breath before entering the bedroom. He closed the door behind him softly as he scanned the room; his attention went to the bathroom door. The sound of the toilet flushing, sniffling and the faucet turning on drew him towards it.
"Michonne?" he called out as he knocked on the door. He heard the faucet turn off as she opened the door, her face flushed as she wiped away the tears pooling in her eyes.
"Hey…What's up?" She sniffled out
"Are you crying? What's wrong? Is everything okay? Are you sick?" He questioned worriedly
"I'm not crying and I'm not sick. Just a little queasy that's all…It'll pass soon" she smiled softly
"You're sure your okay?" He probed still not convinced by her answer
"Yes…I'm okay Carl" she assured as she rustled his hair, "I'll tell you what…let me freshen up and I'll come downstairs so we can watch Watchmen before lady bug wakes up"
"Um okay…that'll be cool…"he responded, glancing towards her one more time before heading out the door. He lingered outside of it, trying to make sense of what was transpiring with her, the last time he remembered someone experiencing similar symptoms was when Lori was pregnant with Judith, even though he was just a kid he still remembered candidly how tired she was, constantly having to sit down or take a break when doing chores, her dashing into Hershel's or the RV because she was constantly sick to her stomach, how once the farm became overrun and they were out on the road…all of the food his dad scavenged for her…sometimes going hungry himself to ensure her and Judith were fed and sometimes that wasn't even enough. Though that was almost five years ago, he couldn't help but to compare it to what Michonne was experiencing. Carl's eyes widened, at the sudden realization, 'Mom's pregnant'. The unease that settled within him earlier quickly turned into dread as it boiled within the depths of him. He braced himself against the railing as the memory of him in the prison's boiler room putting down his mother consumed him, his breathing harbored, a knot forming in his throat as he looked towards his parents bedroom door, "This can't be happening…not again" he whispered as he sank down onto the top step, emotions he had kept buried for years finally coming to a head.
•
The DJ's playing the same song
I have so much to do
I have to carry on
I wonder if this grief will ever let me go
I feel like I am the king of sorrow, yeah
The king of sorrow
•
As the days progressed, Carl's suspicions of Michonne's pregnancy increased. Anytime she was near, he examined her to see if something could put some truth to his thoughts. Everytime she moved his eyes followed her like a hawk stalking it's next meal. He wanted to ask her but he decided against it, he trusted that if she indeed was pregnant. He would be one of the first people to know besides his father, so he put his suspensions to rest until it was time for them to awake again.
An eeriness filled their home as Carl opened the front door, an unusual silence surrounding him. He looked around the dimly lit living room, no sign of Judith; it wasn't until he heard distinct chatter coming from upstairs that he figured his parents were home. He wasn't much for talking this evening, after the rough day he had, a shower and sleep was all he wanted. He dragged himself up the stairs; the sound of his parents bedroom door opening didn't detract him.
"Carl?" his father questioned as he peered into the hallway
"Yeah Dad" Carl responded as he still proceeded to his room
"Hey…come here for a second…We need to talk to you about something" he stated assertively
"Can it wait dad?" he almost whined out, his tiredness more important than his pride at the moment
"No son" Rick chuckled softly, "It can't" he opened the door wider, welcoming Carl into the room
Carl sighed as he made his way into his parents bedroom
"Hey Carl" Michonne greeted him with a smile
"Hey" he looked towards her with a small smile before taking a seat next to her and giving his full attention to his dad
"Alright…it's something we wanted to wait and tell you and Judith.. We wanted to know that it was real first…before we got everybody riled up but…" his father trailed off
Michonne instinctively cut in "We're pregnant. 11 weeks to be exact" she beamed as she she gently placed her hand over Carl's hand
"Yeah…you're going to be a big brother…Judith a big sister…we're ecstatic" his father drew out cheekily as he made eye contact with Michonne
"I knew you were worried about me…I didn't tell you at first because it was so surreal to me but with the fatigue, morning sickness and this…" She grabbed the sonogram off of the table, handing it to her son
"I knew I couldn't keep it under wraps for too much longer.." she gleefully bit at her lip
Carl looked down at the black and white image in his hands. The round mask sitting snugly in the middle of the photo left him in a daze. He quickly laid the image down on the bed as his heart began to pound in his chest….that fear from his past finally found its way to his present. The knot of emotion returning to his throat, he wanted to protest, to yell, to scream but he thought about Andre…how lost Michonne was after his death, she deserved this…she deserved to have a child of her own again. It would be selfish of him to take away her joy…to overtake her happiness for his own sorrow. So he pushed down his feelings and smiled as he looked to Michonne, then his father.
"Congrats guys! I'm so happy to be a big brother again…Y'all deserve it!" he masked his bitterness with a smile
"Oh Carl…." Michonne cooed out as a surge of tears flowed from her, she wrapped her arms around him, bringing him into an embrace, as his father looked on happily, wiping away a tear.
•
I wonder if this grief will ever let me go
I feel like I am the king of sorrow, yeah
The king of sorrow
•
The sound of thunder bellowed deep within the nights sky lightening crashed angrily against the clouds. As darkness filled his room, he laid amongst it, grief…sorrow…dread pulling him deep within their realm. It was already six months into Michonne's pregnancy and things were going so great but the arrival of his new sibling, gave him pause. He couldn't imagine loosing Michonne how he lost his mother. He couldn't imagine having to put down another parent. He couldn't do that again…especially not to Michonne, he couldn't imagine life without her.
His past demons taunted him as his thoughts finally became too loud. He slid out of his bed and room, walking down the hallway until his destination was reached, he rapped lightly at the door, waiting patiently for a response.
"Come in" a voice welcomed sweetly. He opened the door and closed it behind him. He stood at the foot of the bed looking towards Michonne with a half smile.
"Come on" she nudged towards the bed, Carl made his way over as he elbowed his father to the other side of the King size mattress. Carl grabbed a pillow and rested his head on it before looking towards his mother, her hair was piled into a high ponytail as she rested against the headboard wearing one of his dad's t-shirts. A book sat on top of her baby bump as she reached towards the night stand.
"Thunder and lightning?" She questioned as she popped one of the frozen grapes, she had been craving fiendishly into her mouth.
"Yeah…yeah it freaked me out a little bit" he lied as he burrowed his head deeper into the pillow
She smiled warmly as she rustled his hair and went back to reading, Carl smiled softly before his eyes went to her stomach, he watched it intently, the movements and bouncing of his baby brother, this life that was inside of her, this sign of hope, that no matter what life would go on was a sight to behold and yet something wouldn't allow him to bask in the joy his family felt, something wouldn't allow him to let go of the fear, the possibility of having to relive one of the worse days of his life again. That fear was something crippling, a hurdle he just couldn't get over. The thunder and lightning halted as the rain fell against the window like a lullaby of dreams, hopes, and memories, filling his ears, the melody covering him like a blanket, solace and comfort being found. He looked towards her stomach once more before closing his eyes, sleep finally coming upon him. Michonne looked towards the young man that she cherished so…. her son and smiled a joyous smile before pulling the duvet over him and placing a gentle kiss on his forehead. She bookmarked her chapter and placed the book on the nightstand before switching off the lamp. She fluffed her pillow and laid down, rubbing her stomach contently before looking towards Carl, she didn't know who this man she was carrying would be, what this life now would make him but one thing she hoped for her unborn child was that he would be as amazing as the son she inherited in this new world and his soul as vibrant as the brother he only got the chance to meet in heaven. She wiped at her eyes, freeing them of the tears threatening to pour before sleep came for her as well.
•
I suppose I could just walk away
Will I disappoint my future if I stay
It's just a day that brings it all about
Just another day and nothing's any good
•
Time of course waits for nothing, before they knew it Christmas was around the corner and Michonne was 38 weeks pregnant. His parents chose to have his little brother at Hilltop, surrounded around family and the best obstetrician and equipment available. To ensure the safest and least stressful birth possible, it was the best course of action. So a little over a week before her due date and wishing to beat the impending winter storm headed their way, his father chose to gather them up and head there a week earlier. That way Michonne would be comfortable, they wouldn't get snowed in and everything would be in order for when the baby made his arrival.
Carl walked into the house behind his father; they had just finished packing up the van with their luggage, Judith and the baby's car seats and some snacks for Michonne and Judy for the ride.
"Judith…get your coat and shoes on…it's time to leave once Mommy gets out the bathroom" Rick instructed the almost four year old
"Okay Daddy" Judith responded as she dashed across the room to the closet to bundle up in her coat and boots.
Carl watched as his father glanced down at his watch, wondering what was keeping Michonne so long.
"She's been in there awhile…you should ask her what's taking so long" Carl offered
"Me?" His father gestured towards himself "No-No-No she will yell at me. She's at the point in the pregnancy were she likes you a lot more than she likes me." his father chuckled out, reminiscing on the pass few weeks. Michonne was so uncomfortable, tired, breathless and miserable. She didn't have a lot of patience for the 'the man that put her in this position' as of late and Rick didn't know much but what he did know, was not to piss off a pregnant lady, so he refrained from any situations that would annoy her "Come on Carl…just ask" he urged for his son to do the dirty work for him.
Carl sighed deeply as he looked at his dad and then towards the guest bathroom, "MOM! Dad said what's taking so long" he chuckled out distancing himself from his father.
Rick quickly turned towards Carl, peering at the young man. Not impressed by the way his own son threw him under the bus. Before his dad could reprimand him, she appeared around the corner, her heavily pregnant stomach protruding through her white sweater, her waist length locs cascading across her face as she peered down towards the drenched black leggings worn. She moved her hair to look at her son and husband, a perplexed expression across it.
"Guys…I don't think we will make it to Hilltop…My-My water broke" she breathed out
"Shit!" his father blurted out as he rushed to her side. "Breath baby…Breath" he soothed out as Michonne nodded and followed his lead. Carl scrambled to the closet to retrieve her coat and his little sister. He hurriedly handed it to his father, who helped her into it, before resting a protective arm around her lower back as he ushered her to the front door.
"Come on Judy…it looks like our brother is on his way" he responded flatly before picking her up and heading out the door behind his parents.
It had been 7 hours….SEVEN hours. It shouldn't be taking this long, something was wrong, something had to be wrong. Carl mumbled to himself as he paced back in fourth in the waiting room of the infirmary. They rushed Michonne in before her contractions started to hit.. Rick helped try to steady her breathing as she began to groan in pain, stopping several times to breath and bend forward on her way to the birthing room. Carl wanted to be there... with her, to support her but his father instructed him to get Sasha and Rosita down there ASAP and to wait in the lobby with Judy.
So here he was, seven long hours had passed and he was still in that waiting room. He looked over to Judith who slept peacefully on the couch, he scowled deeply as each torturous minutes passed. He was growing restless, he needed to know what was going on... he couldn't sit here and just do nothing. He refused to be in the dark when it came to his mother's life.
He pulled the blanket over Judith before standing up and slowly making his way to the room's door. With each step closer, screams began to grow louder, it was so much noise…so many voices that he couldn't distinguish if it was coming from Michonne or someone else within the room. Panic set in as he threw open the door in a frenzy, his eyes falling on Michonne as she screamed and groaned in agony, Rosita working diligently on her as she continued to push. His father stood beside the bed, his hand cupping hers as he kissed her over exerted forehead, sweat pouring from her brow. Her breathing was labored as she continued to groan, having to stop mid way because her body couldn't take anymore.
•
I'm crying everyone's tears
I have already paid for all my future sins
There's nothing anyone
Can say to take this away
It's just another day and nothing's any good
•
It felt as if the world stopped spinning, everything frozen in time as he took in what was happening around him. His mind immediately switched back to that place, that dank, dark, cold boiler room where Lori's body laid after letting out a single bullet through her skull, he furiously shook his head, trying to rid the images out of his mind, Michonne grunting loudly pulled him from that place.
"NO-STOP…..YOUR KILLING HER!", Carl protested as he looked towards the woman that had been his rock, his best friend, his biggest supporter. The woman, who over the years had become a mother to him and Judith.
He couldn't take it anymore, he couldn't hear her screams or see the agony etched on her face for another minute, he needed to go…he needed to get out of that room. Carl stormed out, his emotions boiling over like vinegar to baking soda, an eruption of rage, fear, disappointment and sorrow flowed out as one.
"Carl!" Rick shouted behind him as his eyes followed the closing of the door.
"Dammit!" he huffed out as his eyes fixated on her again. "You're going to be okay baby…your doing fine… keep breathing…your strong... you got this. I have to go find Carl but I will be back as soon as possible" he assured her "Sasha?" he gestured for her to take his place. He kissed Michonne's knuckles before slipping his fingers out of hers and quickly exiting the room to find his son.
Carl stood a few feet away; his back slumped over, a monkey weighing heavily on it. Rick walked towards him "Carl?" he said softly as concern filled his tone. The young man turned towards his father, tears of despair streaming down his porcelain face.
"Carl what's wrong?" Rick asked worry dripping from each line and indent within his face
"I-I- I can't watch her in pain. I can't watch her like that….how mom was… What I had to do…I don't want that for Michonne Dad, I can't lose her…I can't lose another mom" he sobbed out
Rick brought Carl into his chest, wrapping his arms around him protectively, his heart broke for him, he knew what he had to do back at the prison. Something no child should ever have to do or experience, yet he did because Rick was not there too. Rick rubbed his upper back trying to comfort him, the realization that his son still held on to that pain, the hurt, the grief of having to put his mother down more real then he could ever imagine.
"I know son…I know…I'm sorry you had to go through that. That you had to do that. You should have never have had to see Lori like that, you should not have had to put down your own mother. It's not far to you and I know that you're scared…I'm scared too but I can promise you won't have to do that again. You won't have to experience that again because we will not lose her… we will not lose Michonne. She is going to be okay…your new baby brother will be okay. I promise you that Carl. Trust me…" Rick brought his son's face up to his, looking deep into the mirror of himself in which his son was, "I'm sorry I wasn't there…that I never helped you grieve her..it was wrong that I was so consumed with my own guilt and remorse that I robbed you of your own. You needed me to be there…as your father and I wasn't. I'm so sorry I didn't make it easier…that I ain't try… but in this moment.. right now I am here and we will be alright. Your mama is strong, Chonne is a fighter she's not going to let anything conquer her, not even our stubborn little baby" he smiled out softly, "I'm here son.. you're not going to face this alone" he assured
"Okay…" Carl responded softly
"If it makes it easier…you can come into the birthing room with us, you can hold one hand and I hold the other…so you can see her. So your eyes can see your Mama being alright" he spoke softly to his son, his gaze still fixated on him
"Yeah…I would like that" he responded as he wiped the tears from his face. Rick bought him into his arms, placing a gentle kiss to the young man's forehead.
"RICK!" Sasha shouted, "He's crowning, it's time!" she smiled out before rushing back into the room.
"Okay", he nodded with a smile, "You ready to go meet your baby brother?" he asked cheekily
Carl smiled softly, nodding in response. Rick led Carl back into the birthing room, he went around to the furthest side of the bed, gently kissing Michonne's hand as he slipped his fingers into hers, Carl stood on the side nearest to the door, holding her other hand tightly. Michonne gazed between both of her grimes men and smiled.
"Michonne…I can see his head…You're doing great! I just need one more big push from you" Rosita urged as she placed her head back under the towel covering her womanhood
"You can do this mom! You got this…you can do it" Carl cheered on as Rick smiled softly before following suit. Michonne nodded as she sat up slightly, she pushed down her stomach and pelvic muscles, a loud groan escaped her as she let out another big push, this time her last. She fell back, as a soul piercing cry filled the room; Rosita lifted up the baby and placed him on Michonne's chest, Sasha immediately coming over to unblock his airways and to clean him off with a damp cloth. Tears poured from Michonne as she kissed his head tenderly, Rick's own tears erupted as he enveloped his wife and new born into his arms, basking in the joy of the new life they just brought forward. Carl smiled as he looked towards his parents and baby brother, who was now being swaddled into a blanket. Rick lifted up his son, happily gazing down at the baby. He walked around the bed towards Carl, rocking the baby soothingly in his arms
"Shhh. I want you to meet someone little one…it's your big brother….Carl" Rick smiled as he reached out the baby to Carl
He took his brother into his arms, he looked down surreally at the new addition to the grimes family, his eyes the deepest ocean of blue like his and his father's, his lips full and hair curly like Michonne's, his skin a beautiful mixture of pinks and bronze. He was a sight of beauty; his little eyes roamed Carl's face, a soft smile crossing it. It felt as if a chain had been lifted, Carl sat down in the chair gently, an overpowering feeling of love, happiness, contentment, joy and pride filled him, he was finally liberated from all that he felt, from the sorrow that kept him bound. He was finally free, tears pillowed in his eyes as he looked down to the little face before him, the face that brought him back.
Rick embraced a tired Michonne as they looked on overjoyed.
"What's the little guy's name?" Rosita smiled out as her own emotions threatened to pour at the beautiful scene, Rick looked towards Michonne, who smiled before nodding towards Carl, Rick nodded in agreement.
"Well…that's going to be a call that Carl's going to have to make" he responded as he looked on joyfully
Carl beamed as he looked toward his parents, then down at the newborn in his arms
"Ritchie…Ritchie Andre Grimes Jr" he spoke softly before looking up to his parents who agreed happily.
The Grimes house had been buzzing since the arrival of Ritchie. Family and friends coming from all communities to meet the bundle of joy. The house had finally been just them since two weeks after they brought him home. Rick crept into the house, finding Michonne and Judith sprawled out on the couch asleep. He went over and placed a duvet over the sleeping beauties before placing a kiss on both of their foreheads before making his way up the stairs to the nursery. He slowly peered into the room, watching Carl sitting in the wooden rocking chair, cradling Ritchie. Rick not wanting to impose on the brotherly bond, quietly closed the door, a gentle smile on his face as he headed back downstairs.
Carl heard the close of the door, he smiled before looking down towards his brother before singing softly, "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine..You make me happy when skies are grey, you'll never know...how much I love you", Ritchie smiled as he grasped his big brother's finger in his tiny hand. Carl continued to rock him, utter jovial filling the grief that once haunted him.