I knew something was wrong since the third grade. I had never liked kids my own age, I always went for the much younger ones, like the kindergarteners. I only hung out with them at recess back then. At first I thought it was because it gave me a sense of control. I loved feeling like the dominant one. My sister Leah always overpowered me and would beat me up at home, so at school, I found a clique where I was the alpha.

Then came that fateful year in third grade. I think that's the year when kids start to discover their sexuality. They begin to form crushes on their classmates and that's exactly what happened. My friend Roarke liked Elizabeth Daniels, the smartest girl in our class. My other friend Henry liked Violet Hayes, who was the new girl from the Makah Reservation. I liked Belinda Sanchez, one of the kindergarteners. I didn't find it gross then, but I found it odd. I always thought that in a relationship, the man should be older than the girl, so I just suppressed my uneasiness about my silly crush.

The next year, I forgot about Belinda and liked Sandra, another kindergartener. Now I knew something was wrong. There I was, ten years old, liking a girl who just recently got potty-trained. I solved my problem though, claiming I had a crush on Georgia Brookes, a girl in my fourth grade class. She was supposed to be one of the most popular girls, so I knew she was out of my league, and therefore my friends wouldn't pressure me into asking her out.

Fifth grade I liked Juliet Brown. Sixth grade I liked Franka Stromsburg. Seventh grade I liked Crystal Williams. I began to get scared. All those girls were in kindergarten. Seventh grade was the year I was afraid about my sexual preference. I got a boner when I saw Crystal playing on the swings in the park. Her mother took her there every Saturday, and every Saturday, I went there, taking a book and pretending to read it. All the while I'd watch as Crystal played and ran around. Her favorite area was the sandbox.

Scared out of my mind, I sought Leah's help. She had just come home from a date with her new boyfriend Sam. I ran into her room, sweating bullets.

Leah looked mad for a while, but a look of genuine sincere came on her face when she saw me. "What's wrong?" she asked, motioning for me to sit on her bed. She then closed her door, as a way to tell me that I was safe to tell her anything I wanted.

"I got my first boner today!" I shouted.

Leah's concerned face turned into one of disgust. "Okay, I did not need to know that." When she saw that I didn't calm down, she pressed further. "What's the matter? You should be happy. It means you function down there."

"The girl was younger than me!" I cried.

"How much younger?"

"She's five."

I'll never forget Leah's face. Her mouth dropped and her eyes widened and glistened a little bit. She knew that her baby brother would grow up to be a monster. One of those disgusting monsters who hurt children.

"What did you do afterwards?" Leah asked in a shaky voice. "Did you ignore it or beat it off?"

I had beat myself off in the bathroom at the park, but I couldn't scare my sister any more than she already was. "I ignored it," I lied.

Leah sighed with relief. "Fine. Here's what you do: don't ever tell anybody about this. Keep it a secret. Ignore your urges and don't, I repeat, DON'T you ever have children."

I sniffed and nodded, feeling dirty and horrible. I was a monster.

I think that's why I always acted so immature and like a kid. I wanted to be in kindergarten again so that my sexual fantasies could be better explained. I thought about castrating myself once, but in the end, I decided to just go on and ignore my urges. Maybe I could just find some petit woman who I could settle for; that'd work, right?

When I phased, I had to try my best to avoid thinking about my deepest secret. I almost made it until I heard about Claire, Quil's imprint. I accidentally had a bad thought and Quil flipped. Luckily, Leah was there to save me from his wrath. Quil however told me that if he ever caught me near Claire, he wouldn't hesitate to murder me. At least he didn't tell anyone. I can't imagine what would happen if the whole pack knew.

I knew I was a monster, I didn't need everyone else knowing it too. At least I never hurt anyone. I was close, but I never did it.

Flashback

"Excuse me, Mr.?" I heard a small voice ask me.

I looked down to see a little girl, around the age of four standing there. I was at the mall in Forks looking for a birthday present to buy Brady, my pack brother.

"What did you need Princess?" I asked the little girl.

"I can't find my mommy," she whined, close to crying.

I started to sweat a little as I looked her over. She wore a small red shirt with Mickey Mouse on it and black pants. "W-well let's go find her," I stuttered. I grabbed her hand and we walked in the direction of the food court. I thought maybe her mom could've been there, but in the back of my head, I think I went there because that's where the single person bathrooms were located.

"What's you name Princess?" I asked the little girl who was sucking her thumb. Crap, I love when they do that.

"Katy!" the girl cheered.

"Where's the last place you saw your mommy?" I asked her.

"She was looking at shoes in a big store. It didn't have toys, so I went to find some. When I came back, my mommy was gone.."

Shit, if her mom was gone when she returned, then she must've gone to the security station to report a missing child. I sighed. "Fine, let's go to the security station."

I led Katy to the station and sure enough, a worried woman was pacing in there.

"Mommy!' Katy yelled as she let go of my hand and ran towards her.

The woman looked relieved and picked up Katy and held her close, apologizing for being not as attentive as she should've been.

I walked away, disappointed, before the mother could thank me. I wanted to feel good, but I missed out on that. Oh well.

I kept my secret hidden from the world. I never broke the law, so there was nothing to worry about. I never downloaded any of the porn they make, even though it had crossed my mind once or twice. I never touched anyone, except for myself in the bathroom at the park. I'd just sit on the toilet in there every Saturday jacking off to the cheery sounds of little kids running around.

Thank God for my high status at the reservation. Due to that, nobody would dare suspect me of being a pervert. However, that also meant that I could never act out, or else it could severely damage my reputation.

I prayed everyday to imprint on a full-grown woman. Shit, I'd even take a male as long as they were around my age. Then I could forget about wanting a toddler in my bed and actually be normal like everyone else.

Unfortunately, I had to imprint on Lola, Margo and Embry's four month old baby girl.

Right then, I knew that I'd never do anything to harm her. All I focused on was protecting her and making her smile and laugh. I knew that I would be the best person for a child imprint. I kept all my toys and action figures from my childhood and even had the Power Ranger bed sheets from the Christmas when I was six.

But I was scared to death about when she'd turn five. Leah was too. She'd never leave me and Lola alone in the same room. It pissed me off, but deep down, I knew I wouldn't be able to control myself after a while, so I learned to be content with her intruding.

Now, I'm watching as three year-old Lola is walking around with the new doll I bought her. It had pink hair, so I knew she'd love it. Pink was her favorite color, she's such a girl. "Princess Lola, it's almost time for your naptime," I said.

Leah got up to go to the bathroom.

Lola looked over to me and stuck out her lower lip. "Why?" she whined.

"Because," I told her, melting at her pouting face. It was so cute and usually worked. "Mommy and Daddy said that you need naps to grow up big and strong."

"I don' wanna be stron'! Princesses have knights. They don' need ta be stron'," Lola explained, turning her attention back to the doll.

"Do you have a knight?" I asked her, an idea forming in my head.

Lola shook her head, her long black pigtails swinging back and forth. She then ran over to me. "Seth? Will you be mah knight? Preddy peese?" she asked, holding her hands together.

I smirked and bit my bottom lip. "Only if you let me kiss you," I said.

"Ew!" Lola squealed. "Tat's gross! You're a boy!"

"But I'm your knight," I countered, "and knights kiss their princesses. That's the rules."

Lola thought about it for a little bit before eagerly nodding. "Mkay!" She puckered out her lips.

I glanced in the direction Leah had left in. She was still gone. I quickly leaned forward and pecked Lola's sticky lips. It left the taste of cherry lollipop on my mouth and sent butterflies in my stomach. "There," I smiled. "Was that so bad?"

Lola shook her head. "Now do I hafta take a nap?"

"No," I smirked, "I'm your knight now. So now I'll be strong for the both of us."

Lola smiled wide, her teeth colored from the Kool-Aid.

"But we have to keep this a secret,' I whispered.

"How come?"

"Because…uh, other princesses may get mad and hurt your Mommy."

Lola's eyes widened and she covered her mouth with her hands. "I won' tell a soup!"

I giggled. "You won't tell a soul." I then watched as Lola continued to play with her new doll, licking my lips now and then to taste her.