DESPERATION

( This is a really long one-shot ...that has the potential to become something more. Though, unless, I get the reviews for it, I will leave it here.)

How long does it take for everything to go wrong?
The answer for us was simple.

30 seconds.

How long does it take to make everything right?
Sometimes, the answer is never.

The explosion ...sent everyone flying ...but no one was seriously hurt. I wonder if ...they every wonder why? How everyone managed to survive, even though the blast was at point blank range? I guess after everything was over ...only I am stuck in this limbo of wondering what could be ...what happen, and why? Was it all a trap to begin with? Was my dream doom from the beginning?

My mind is wandering again. I have to focus ...I don't want to loop again.

It is too painful ...I don't think I can survive it if I go through this again.

This will be the last time ...I remember this. I promise myself, and then I will let everything go. My beginning, my middle, and my end ...I will let go of my regret, and finally find peace.

We all were hurt, before, but it was worst after that. I landed badly, and I found myself unable to move. A piece of rubble had me squash flat, and already weaken ...I couldn't get free. I was unable to left a single hand ... as he went for our Captain, and all I could do was look and tremble. I hated myself for that moment ...that weakness, especially when he was able to stand up ...when he was able to move, and when he stopped him. A quick slash across the shoulder, that is our Zoro, a man who pledged to be the greatest swordman in the world. The one nakama of the Strawhat pirates that I knew could injury the paw man , and who I did not have to fear would die on the field of battle. We still had hope. The man was finally wounded ...much more than what I could do. For once, I realize I had lost to him, but, that didn't stop Zoro from losing to him.

The Paw-man, he was fresh and we were already beaten and tired. It is an excuse I told myself so many times before. It is one I want to believe now, that he wouldn't have fallen against him if we had been fresh, that he wouldn't have stood a chance against us ...if we weren't already wounded. But, as clear as that laser beam that melted stone, and cut across the space between the two ...after the slash, I knew it's false. Even at full strength, we couldn't have won. He was a Cyborg beyond Franky, and his powers were beyond our ability to deal with. We would have been crushed, Luffy and all, and this, he would figure out first, Zoro.

There was no hope.

He couldn't win against him, and thus, he would surrender. A man that didn't give up when Mihawk cut a deep scar across his chest, that refused to turn his back to any enemy when death was on him,...surrendered. He could do no more, his body ...could take no more.

It is when I think of that ...that I flash back to happier times. To all of us upon the Merry Go, to the fights, the adventures, and the laughter. It's the laughter I miss the most, the feeling of home and friends ...and all of that will be beyond our hope of gaining again if I let them kill him.

I am not sure how I did it, how I managed to get free. But, I twisted and pulled and pushed and finally managed to get free ...it was then ...as I heard him offer his life that I knew ...I had to stop him. I couldn't let his dream die, his hope, and his journey. I have seen a sacrifice before, and I would forever regret it. I didn't want to have any more regrets. So, I climb to my feet, everything hurt, everything shook, but I held it together ..barely. I almost went over once ...even when I made my way to them, crossing one leg over the other was the only thing that saved me from ending up on my face. I knew, if I went over ...I wouldn't be able to get back up again.

I made it ...barely in time, but I did it.

"Hold on a minute, you jerk."

"What are you going to do if you die...!"

"What happens to your dream...you idiot?"

It was rage that fueled me then. That gave me the burst of energy necessary to make me seem strong, and maybe, in that instant, he hoped that I was ...stronger. That I was able to do what he couldn't, but, I wasn't. I knew I wasn't, and thus, I stood at his side. Together we can take down anyone, except this paw-man, and I couldn't suppress the trembles. The injuries were too great to hide them, but oh how I wish I could. I had to make up for my quickly disappearing strength with words.

"Just ignore this Marimo Swordsman ...if you must kill someone...then just take my life!"

I said the words with determination and exhaustion, but I managed to say it without stuttering. I was pushing myself ...but I would not let him die. He was my friend, my nakama, and how could I explain it to everyone ...that I watch him die. How could I live with myself if I allowed that to happen, and maybe, it was those exact thoughts that gave me that last bit of energy. That let me bare with the pain a bit longer as I spun, and with him down on his knees as he was the surprise was there and so was the angle. I caught him ...right between chest and stomach, in the area where the wind would be driven from one's lungs all at once. Where the force of the blow would for a few seconds ...stop one from breathing long enough ...for unconsciousness to take place.

He wasn't expecting it, nor was he ready to guard.

I felt his hand ...as he touches the leg that had caught him. Gripping it hard, and looking me in the eyes. He's struggling to stay conscious ...that was Zoro ...never one to quit even when he should.

"Dumbass cook ...why?"

"Shitty Swordman, my dream is just a myth, but yours...yours you can make real. But only if you live."

He would pass out then as if my answer was enough. Laying to one side ...my rival, my friend, I would leave him behind.

I miss him that stupid ...shitty Marimo swordman.

The swordman of the our crew, his bounty originally was higher than luffy's, and he was always in the forefront of battles. The man that had a reputation as a pirate hunter, but gave it all up to join this crew. I think ...even without us, without luffy he would have managed to achieve his goal. Unlike me, unlike the rest of us, with the exception of Robin ...he was working for that goal when Luffy met him. Everyone else, was too caught up in the world to ...to dare to reach for our own dreams.

Luffy was our salvation.

I don't know why he is so loyal, maybe, he liked the company or maybe, he really did believe that if Luffy was lost the entire crew would be as well. That his dream would end. I don't know, but, that wasn't how I would remember him ...crouch down in the rubble. Blood dripping down his face as he surrendered, no ...the Zoro I will always remember will be the one who fought with me. The one who constantly nap and train, who understood pirate law better ...than anyone else on the ship...the one with the most discipline and skill out of everyone ...except me. That is the Zoro I will remember.

But, that had nothing to do with what I did next ...after I saw him fall ...I continued. I had to make him understand my worth, and I didn't lie. Not once ...for if he had choose to take either of their lives, Zoro or Luffy's, I would have made everything I said a reality.

"I know the Marines don't give a damn about me..."

I allowed my leg to slowly drop then. Anything faster and I would have collapsed.

"...but soon enough the man who will be most feared by the marines will be me. Black Leg Sanji."

It was a declaration of war. A true one, because, I would have made it my mission to destroy every last one of them ...the Marines. I would have become their slayers, because, I would never allow anyone to get away with hurting one of my nakama. Not now, and not ever.

Robin, I remember when she was taken by CP-9. I had fought so hard to get her back ...I had boarded a train, I had tracked her down. I would never let her go, and would have died for her then ...if those bastards hadn't had other things in mind. If their plan hadn't worked, because, she was right in front of me. And I had fought hard to get to her, there was no way ...no way in hell, I would leave her behind. The woman who was once our enemy, but, now our nakama. She had gone through hell in her life, but she never turned away from her dream. She seek it, even in the shadows and the fires of evil. I will always admire that in her, she is the calm in the sea of chaos, and the one that directed with little bits of wisdom. If we had lost her that day, it would have been a big blow for our crew.

I hope she doesn't blame herself for what happen to me. She should never doubt our bonds as nakama, and I was glad she came back.

I just wish I could do the same, but, I had to stay strong. I stalled for time, I was really afraid to die. I had faced it once, I think ...other than Franky ...none of the others really understood that. They had seen death in others, they had been hurt themselves, but never ...had they faced the hopelessness of knowing that it was clawing at them and there was nothing more they could do about it. They feared the pain, but I feared the end results.

Franky.

I still wonder about him ...his strength, his ability ...how he had managed to pull himself together again ...after surely being torn apart. Franky is silly, but brilliant, and he has the spunk and character to be a strong member of our crew. I wish I would have gotten to known him better. I just hope, he shared some of that strength with the rest of the crew. They all have lost someone precious to them, and I am sorry, that I am amongst that number. I never wanted to hurt my nakama, but ...like Zoro said, the crew wouldn't survive without Luffy ...but I don't think it would survive without him too.

I am the only one replaceable.

Despite the fact, I call Chopper our reserve food source. I knew this to be true, because, because, Chopper would be needed to save lives after this battle. He would heal the wounds of their bodies. I know he could do nothing about their hearts. Though he would try. Nami-san would be the one to lead them away, she would have the gold to buy another cook, even if they couldn't find one to simply join the crew. She would be sensible about it all. She would be the one to keep them from doing something stupid or rash. I know she will, because, she is always logically. She is always the one whom keep us from getting in over our heads.

My lovely Nami-swan, I didn't want to die on you. Please believe me ...I know, she lost her parent. In order to keep her safe, to protect them, she had died. This would be so similar to that ...I could imagine her pain at the news.

If I could cry ...I would at the thought of her.

But, it's not possible, and I am sure, Usopp would do enough for both of us. He would ...be the one to support Luffy. Everyone knew it, though Zoro is the first mate, Usopp is Luffy's best friend. They always do things together, and its his carefree nature temper with Usopp's degree of caution that has kept Luffy out of as much danger as Nami's quick fist. A joke in everyone's eyes, I have seen those moments of precision and intelligences that make him something to be feared. He is the one who gave Nami her ability to protect herself, and the one whom I know when he find the strength to stand on his own ...would be able to surpass both me and Zoro in terms of usefulness in the crew.

He has always had a tool or trick to turn the tide in his favor. I hope he can do the same for the entire crew now. Something to help them forget me ...for once, I don't think I would mind so much if I was forgotten.

I had stalled as long as I could ...as long as I was able. But, just like in my mind ...in my memories, it eventually reach it's end. I had nothing else to say, and as I glare and trembled ...he accepts ... It is not in his words, that I know this as make my final assurances. As for a moment, I worry about him breaking our deal, but as he knew the pain from Luffy ...I almost smiled.

Or maybe, it's just how I feel about it now.

I know the trick that was played on me. I was expecting a swift death, I had asked for it ...to be killed and simply for it to end. Though he had other plans, Kuma, would make me suffer ...make me want to quit the arrangement, but I wouldn't. I had my pride and my crew's life on the line.

He extracted something from Luffy, something that was bigger than me in size and was shaped like one of his paws. He would explain it even as he gave me a little bit of it.

The first taste of my Captain's pain, suffering, and fatigue ...I didn't understand before then ...why he didn't wake up. Luffy has always protected us, he always seem to show up just when things seem the most hopeless. This situation was hopeless beyond measure, but he didn't rouse. Our grinning captain, the one who wishes to be the pirate king, but, there is almost nothing about his actions that is that of a pirate. He saved the weak, defend the helpless, and gave those with no where to go ...a home. He is a hero, but, no one would dissuade him of his wish to be a pirate. To be it's king, because, there is no other profession that would allow him the freedom that the boy needs. All else, would be suffocation and death ...death much worst than the one I faced.

I tasted blood in the back of my throat after just the sample. I almost collapse to my knees, I wouldn't be able to get up again if I fell. Everything shook, and if I had thought I was in pain before ...I think I had somehow managed to find another level to vision blur, but I kept it together.

We had a new deal now...his words confirmed it.

Luffy's pain and suffering would kill me. It was his form of execution, so if I could survive it ...would I live? I didn't know, but, I had to try it, and as he finish his words ...I asked for only one thing. To move the location, I had felt the blood int he back of my throat , and I knew that was just a small bit. The bigger one ...well I don't want my nakama to weak up covered in my blood.

It was better this way ...and once we were in the right place ...we stopped for my final execution. I don't think there was ever a time in my life when I wished for a cigarette worst than a that moment. But, I had lost all that was in my pocket, there was nothing else for me ...then ...as I would look him up and down once.

Kuma, please ...keep your words ...please let my nakama grow strong enough that we don't lose anyone else to him.

I think I prayed then. I don't generally believe in anyone or anything. How many died and suffered, and that powerful being made no moves to help anyone. So, how could I believe that for some strange reason it would change with me. It was truly desperation that made me do that then ...and desperation that made me take that deal then.

I was desperate to save them. To protect their dreams, Chopper ...wants to create a perfect Cure All, Usopp ...wants to become a brave Warrior of the sea, Nami ..make a map of all the Oceans, Robin wants to read all of the world's gylphs, and find their secrets, and Franky ...would make the perfect warship.

I didn't need to be there ...I just needed them to find it ...All Blue, and prove to the world that it is real.

It was enough.

I told myself that ...as I plunge my hands inside, and the pain ...become all consume. As I felt it tear my body apart, as I felt it in every sense that knew or could understand pain ...until it was mind numbing. Until, there was nothing left, and then ...came the blackness.

The blessed blackness ...maybe my desperation had in the end pay off.

Blackness turned to white, and the memories ...the dreams ...the past, the present, and the tattered future faded.

Sanji finally found peace.