The Look
Author: Willowph
Rating: G
Summary: Mac tries to understand the conversation she had with Harm on the beach.
Spoilers: Hail and farewell part 2, Boomerang.
Disclaimer: I don't own JAG, if I did do you think that Mac and Harm would still be apart?
"It's over with Clay," I say as I sit beside Harm on the beach.
"Is that what you want?" He asks me.
"I don't have a clue what I want," I say, "I just know what I don't want. I'm tired of dissecting relationships. The minute you start dissecting something the damn thing is dead."
"So don't talk to Clay," he says, "talk to me."
"I appreciate the offer..." I start.
"But..." Harm prompts.
"There's so much more to talk about than just Webb," I say. And there is, so much more.
"Well Mac when you're ready let me know" Harm says as he gets up.
His words tell me to let him know when I want to talk but his eyes and tone say that he thinks that time won't come.
I don't understand why, I really do want to talk to him but I need some time to sort things out myself.
I need to talk to someone about this but there aren't many people I can go to.
Harriet has some insight into Harm but she and Bud don't know about the endometriosis. I never have been close to Sturgis and I don't know if I could talk to Chegwidden about something this personal even if he wasn't travelling the country with his daughter. But there is one person, one person I tell everything, even things Harm doesn't know. My Uncle Matt, I'll send him an email as soon as I get home. I'd call him but I don't think I could get through it without breaking out in tears, plus there's always the chance that someone else in his cell block will need the phone. Maybe I can get him on Instant Messenger tomorrow, he gets an hour on the computer a day, that might be enough time to talk.
The next day
I wrote Uncle Matt yesterday and told him everything that's happened in the past few days. I explained about Harm and that look on the beach. I still can't figure out that look. Now I'm waiting for Uncle Matt to come online. There he is.
MarineMatt: Hey kid.
Ninjagurl: Hi Uncle Matt.
MarineMatt: I got your email, sounds like you got quite a dilemma.
Ninga gurl: I just don't get why Harm had that look on his face. Like he thought I said 'not ever' instead of 'not yet.'
MarineMatt: It took me most of the night going through your old letters and emails but I think I might have got it. And I think you just hit the nail on the head.
Ninjagurl: You lost me.
MarineMatt: you said not yet and you say he acted like you said not ever. Right?
Ninjagurl: yes
Where is he going with this?
MarineMatt: he acted that way because he thought that's what you meant.
What? Uncle Matt isn't making any sense
Ninjagurl: why?
MarineMatt: Think back a few life changing conversations ago. When he said not yet.
I run over the big emotional conversations with Harm in my head. Paraguay he asked to table the discussion but he didn't say 'not yet'. It wasn't the JAG-a-thon or after his crash or the admiral's porch. Then it hits me...
Ninjagurl: Sydney. I wanted to talk about us and he said that he wasn't ready to let go, not yet.
MarineMatt: he said not yet but you heard...
Now I see where this is going
Ninjagurl: I heard not ever.
MarineMatt: so in his mind, he believed that to you not yet is the same as not ever.
Oh God why didn't I think of that.
Ninjagurl: So because of how I reacted in Sydney he thinks that my not yet meant not ever because that's what I heard when he said not yet in Sydney?
MarineMatt: That's my theory. I could be wrong.
He's not wrong. That sounds exactly like something my foolish flyboy would think.
Ninjagurl: no, now that you've said it. It sounds like something Harm would think. I need to go talk to him. Thanks Uncle Matt.
MarineMatt: You're welcome kid. Let me know how it turns out.
Ninjagurl: I will. I love you Uncle Matt.
MarineMatt: I love you too Sarah.
I shut the computer down and grab my jacket and car keys. I hope Harm's hope because I need to straighten that flyboy out.