A/N: I don't own the characters in this story, they are the property of Eric Kripke and the CW. I also don't own the lyrics or the title, they are the property of Kelly Clarkson. This is the first time I've ever wrote Dean's POV in 1st person, so if I royally screw it up, no flaming.
The voices in my head
Whispers taunting
All the things you said
Faster the days go by and I'm still
Stuck in this moment of wanting you here
I can still hear you calling out to me. Every time I close my eyes I see it replay all over again. Each time your call getting louder and louder. But every time I open my eyes it's the same result. You're not calling out to me, a smile on your weary face, your hazel eyes glistening. No, you're not calling to me. You're lying on that dingy mattress, your eyes closed, and your skin cold and gray. You're gone but your voice still haunts me.
It's an eerie quiet now. Just like with everyone else in my life, I ran Bobby away. I know he was only trying to help, but if I buried you, Sam…if I salt and burned your bones then there would be no chance for me to just wake up for this god awful nightmare. You would really truly be gone, just like mom, just like dad, and I'd be alone. And you know I don't to "alone" well.
I bang my head against the wall, the sound echoes around me. I want to stop looking at you. Right now I really wish the Jack Daniels was making the world tilt but it isn't. I couldn't drink enough to get the image of your blood on my hands out of my head. Damn it, Sammy, I was supposed to protect you!
Time
In the blink of an eye
You held my hand, you held me tight
Now you're gone
And I'm still crying
Shocked, broken
I'm dying inside
I roughly swipe at my face. You know how I hate to cry. It's not part of my macho appeal, Sammy. God, Sam, but since you…since your eyes closed on me I can't stop, at least not for more than a few minutes. Every time I do, I just glance at you and remember seeing the light leave your eyes and I start again. That wasn't something I ever thought I'd see, Sam. I mean, hell, I'd always expected…no, hoped, I'd go first. Even if what dad told me was true, there was no way in hell, I'd be able to end you like I've done to so many evil things. It was always supposed to be me, as long as I protected you; I'd be the one to go first.
Out of the two of us, Sam, you've always been the strongest. You were the one who would have the will to carry on. Not me, Sam…not without you.
Where are you?
I need you
Don't leave me here on my own
Speak to me
Be near me
I can't survive unless I know you're with me
I don't think you ever realize just how much I needed you, just how much you being there meant to me. I would never really let you know. I was the big brother; I was supposed to be the strong one, never allowing you to see a weakness, and never letting you know that you were it. So up went the confidence, up went the ego, and you never knew the difference. When we were younger, you were always there. I mean as much as I bitched about having to sleep in the same room with you when we were older, I never minded. If we slept in the same room, I always knew you were safe. After the Shtriga I always slept better knowing you were there, knowing that I could hear your breathing slow and even out as you fell asleep. Bet you never knew that I never fell asleep first?
As you got older, I knew you'd pull away. You always were the independent one. I did want to protect you from everything, but dad wanted you to hunt. And you were a damn fine hunter. I was so proud of you, and as much as it pained me, I was proud of you when you went off to Stanford. I didn't sleep right for a month after you left. Guess that's what happens when you get used to hearing the sounds of breathing next to you.
Shadows linger
Only to my eye
I see you, I feel you
Don't leave my side
It's not fair
Just when I found my world
They took you, they broke you, they tore out your heart
But then I got you back into it. Ok, yeah, it wasn't really my doing, but you came back. It honestly broke my heart to think you weren't going to come with me. And I'll never admit to you how scared I was when I rushed into your place and truly realized what was happening. And you'll also never know the relief that rushed through me when I saw it wasn't you burning on that ceiling and I honestly could care less if that makes me a bad person. Once more, like I had twenty odd years before, I pulled you away from the flames, pulled you away from all chances of a normal life, but you were alive and that's all that mattered to me.
You were back and I had some of the best sleep of my life…even with your nightmares. We were a family again. I could watch over you, feel like my life was worth something. Protecting you was just as important to me as protecting all the innocent people we've saved. But now, now I wish I'd never brought you back into it. Guess things would have ended just as badly, so I guess we're lose-lose, huh? I start to pace the room; I've not mustered the courage to sit beside you yet. Hell I've not even touched you since I laid you on that bed.
What's morbid was thinking about how I used to do that when you were little and would fall asleep on my arm after a little late night TV. God, Sammy, back then you were so innocent. No matter how hard I tried to protect that innocence, it kept getting ripped away….first Jessica….then Madison….and now, they took it all.
They took you and I'm left here.
Why did you go?
All these questions run through my mind
I wish I couldn't feel at all
Let me be numb
I'm starting to fall
I'm left here to try and figure out what I did wrong. How I could have saved you. Maybe I could have changed all of this had I gone into the diner instead of running my mouth about it being your turn. Or, maybe if I'd figured out that vision the moment I had it, I could have gotten to you before that bastard did, I'd have wrung his neck before he even had the thought of laying a hand on you.
I stop in front of a wall; I still, can't look at you for very long. Now the regrets are setting in. I punch the wall and while it's dented I don't feel anything. I don't want to feel anything. This is like when dad died, only this time I don't want to come back from it. I have no reason to come back from it. I just wish….I just wish I'd been a better brother to you, Sammy. I should have told you that I loved you more instead of teasing. I mean god, would it have killed me to hug you. Once?
I've got so many regrets and no way to fix them. I've got no one left to try to redeem myself for. Mom's gone, Dad's gone, Cassie didn't want me, and now, my last pillar, my last reason to keep fighting the darkness slowly consuming me is gone. Sam, did you ever know you meant that much to me? Did you ever realize that my only genuine smiles came from seeing you happy, seeing you smile, or hearing you laugh?
I grab a nearby chair and place it beside you. Finally I mustered up enough courage to at least get near you. I'm not sure what to say to you. Because right now nothing will fight off the guilt and the alcohol is wearing off. I simply can't stay numb enough to survive, especially when there's nothing worth surviving for. I don't dare touch you because there's no need to add your coldness to what's already spreading through me.
Finally, I decide to break the deafening silence, guess it's time for me to start confessing. No need to keep up a façade when there's no one left to see it. At least, Sammy, you won't witness my downfall.
"You know, when we were little-- you couldn't been more than 5-- you just started asking questions. How come we didn't have a mom? Why do we always have to move around? Where'd Dad go when he'd take off for days at a time? I remember I begged you-- "Quit asking, Sammy. Man, you don't want to know." I chuckle to myself, as I remember your wide hazel eyes. No matter what you saw, they always seemed to be questioning.
"I just wanted you to be a kid...Just for a little while longer. I always tried to protect you...Keep you safe...Dad didn't even need to tell me. It was just always my responsibility, you know? It's like I had one job... I had one job..." I lean forward; I can feel the tears coming back. My throat feels like it's going to close up as I continue, tears beginning to roll down my cheeks, "And I screwed it up. I blew it. And for that, I'm sorry."
I wipe at my face. I can feel a familiar emotion rising from within me. And to think, I thought I'd gotten past the anger stage of grief. "Guess that's what I do. I let down the people I love. I let Dad down. And now I guess I'm just supposed to let you down, too. How can I? How am I supposed to live with that?"
The tears start to cloud my vision again, but the anger continues to grow. I'm angry at everyone, angry at mom for leaving, angry at dad for leaving me with this burden, angry at that fucking demon for taking away everything I ever loved, but most of all, Sammy, I'm angry with myself. Angry that I couldn't do the one job that was given to me. Anger, desperation, and guilt; my lovely bed fellows take hold of me.
"What am I supposed to do? Sammy. God," I take a breath, trying to calm myself, "What am I supposed to do," I can't take it anymore, I stand, anger bursting out of me as I scream and kick my chair, "What am I supposed to do!"
God, I want to punch something, someone. Kill something so that it can feel the pain I am right now. I look down at you. You don't move, not even a flinch from my outburst, but I didn't expect you to. It's not like you will suddenly wake up and tell me to stop having a tantrum. It's not like I can wish you back. There's nothing in this world that can… And like a punch to the stomach, it hits me what I have to do...what I can do to get you back. I grab my coat and head towards the door. I look back at you one final time...God, Sammy I hope you can forgive me for what I'm about to do, but I've got to save you, even if it means damning myself.
But, Sammy you've got to understand. I'm doing this for you. I'm going to make this worthless life of mine mean something. I've got a deal to make, and if all goes right, I'll see your smiling face when I get back. I grab my keys and I'm out the door. I'm off to my end, but for you, my baby brother, my Sammy, it'll be your new beginning.
Where are you?
I need you
Don't leave me here on my own
Speak to me
Be near me
I can't survive unless I know you're with me
Where are you?
Where are you?
You were smiling
The End