Mine
Summary: 1-shot. Fighting exhaustion, guilt, worry and hallucinations of Lucifer, Sam finally has enough one night and is driven to the breaking point. When Dean finds him, it's not only the shock of what was happening that hits him but also a secret that Sam's kept that forces him to either face one of his own or lose his brother for good. *Upset/limp/depressed/suicidal!Sam & Worried/angsty/big brother!Dean* Set in S7 between 07x15-Repo Man and 07x17 The Born Again Identity. (Dean/Sam) 1st time Wincest.
Warnings: Language, the usual explicit stuff when Wincest is involved and there is mention of possible suicide attempt so I'll put a trigger warning for that and a brief slight mention of a non-con event but only brief and in mention barely.
Pairings: Dean and Sam
Spoiler/Tags: Not tagged to anything but it may have spoilers for Season 7 if you haven't seen that season yet.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. This is written only for the enjoyment of others.
Author Note: This one was supposed to be a prompt from a reader who asked for depressed and/or suicidal Sam but it took a turn on me so it didn't go quite as deep as I was trying (have another plot that I may try also with that plot bunny) but I hope Dean Win likes it as well as the rest of you guys. It's a first time fic and also the first time I tried to include Hallucifer (no clue if that's how it's spelled) idea so he needs practice too. LOL.
~SPN SPN SPN SPN~
"No. You're not real. You're not here so go the hell away!"
"How can I go the hell away when we're in hell, Sammy-boy?"
Sam Winchester buried the heel of both palms into his eyes to try to force the smirking and laughing image of Lucifer away but ever since he'd been forced to open his mind up to the damn image again to find his brother a week earlier it was getting harder and harder to make it stop again.
The younger Winchester had been struggling with the hallucination of Lucifer ever since the wall in his head to protect his sanity was blasted to pieces by Castiel in an attempt to keep them distracted from his activities.
At first Sam had been convinced he was still in the Cage being tortured with the images of being free, of being with Dean again and only his older brother had been able to finally convince him otherwise.
The scar on Sam's hand that Dean had first bandaged and then had squeezed to make Sam understand the pain he felt from that was real; that Dean was real and that Sam was safe with him.
That had worked for a while. Despite the stress of the Leviathans, Becky's misadventure, the whole Amazon mess and then finally losing Bobby and Sam had still clung to his sanity by pressing on that scar whenever the Devil got a little too chatty…or he knew Dean wasn't around.
It had taken Sam a little time to realize that it wasn't just the scar on his hand that could deter or take away Lucifer's image or his mocking words but also his brother.
Sam had learned after one particularly rough day when the Devil decided to pop in to mock him or try to make him see the Cage while they were in a diner and an accidental touch to his hand as Dean reached for the salt had made the image flicker that Dean's touch or even his voice could make Lucifer go away.
There were times when Sam wondered if even though he was out of the Cage and Lucifer and Michael were still trapped that the Devil had found a way to project his thoughts or images of himself because Sam swore Lucifer's hate for Dean was actually increasing with every time Sam turned to his brother for support.
Of course Sam couldn't reveal to Dean that his touch or voice was an anti-Lucifer weapon because that would seem a little odd. It also risked the chance of his brother learning the truth of a secret that Sam had been hiding from him since he was a teenager and since he depended on Dean for stability now more than ever that wasn't a risk Sam was prepared to take.
Now though since the case with the Jeffrey and Dean's kidnapping at the guy's hands it was getting harder to fall back on using the scar to make the Devil's hallucination go away and Dean's obsession with killing Dick Roman after Bobby's death was making his brother colder and not as attuned to things that he normally would've picked up.
"Duh, you think?" Lucifer sneered as he glanced at Sam, where this night had pushed him out of bed and into the farthest corner of the motel room, to where Dean slept soundly in the bed closest to the door. "Big brother ain't got anyone left to tell him he has to take care of you so how much longer do you think he'll stick it out?" he crouched down in front of Sam with his usual grin. "Not that he's real anyway. Only I'm real, kiddo and there's no way to…"
"Shut up," Sam gritted, jerking back into the corner more while batting at hands that he almost could feel trying to touch him again and on top of everything else he did not want to go into those memories. "Don't…do…you're not real. I'm out. I'm with my brother and…"
"But not in the way you want to be with him," Lucifer laughed at the look of panic that crossed Sam's face, waving a hand while beginning to prowl the room but staying away from where Dean slept as if not wanting to run the risk of waking him. "You forget, I was in that head of yours and I know all your deep dark and dirty secrets.
"I know all about those nasty thoughts and dreams that you've had for Dean since you were a gawky teenager lusting after your big brother. You think he'd be so eager to share a room if he knew some of the things that go on in that sick head of yours?" the Devil laughed, sliding his eyes over to see that Dean had shifted positions so he was now facing the other bed but was still snoring. "Why don't you tell him how much you want to fuck him or for him to fuck you and see how fast big brother takes off…of maybe we should show him?"
Sam's head shot up at that to see his hallucination had gotten closer to his sleeping brother than he ever had before. "Stop it!" he snapped, struggling to keep his voice low so not to wake Dean and let his brother see how bad things had gotten in more than one way. "You're not real so you can't hurt him. You can't…"
The doubts were there though and just the tiniest doubt seemed to give the image strength but while torturing and tormenting Sam was one thing in the hunter's mind, the thought that Lucifer might be able to touch his brother enough to hurt him or to possibly do something to reveal Sam's shameful secret to his brother pushed him to an edge that he'd been battling for months.
Right after the wall fell and it became clear how damaged he was Sam had come close several times to either swallowing the bottle of pills they kept on hand for serious injuries, slicing an artery open or eating his handgun.
It hadn't mattered to him the choice of ways to die. All Sam wanted was for the images to stop and so he wouldn't become a huge burden on his already stressed out brother.
Dean had spent practically his entire life looking after him and considering the past few years it always amazed Sam that his brother still did it but Lucifer's last little dig, about Dean not having anyone left to tell him that he had to look after his younger brother, got to him a lot more than he thought it would.
Sure, Sam knew it had been their Dad's one firm rule that Dean grew up with but he hadn't considered that maybe Dean still did it because maybe Bobby reminded him that he had to and now with Bobby Singer dead his brother was still doing it out of duty and obligation.
Breathing a little harder as flashes of Hell seemed to come while Lucifer was even closer to Dean's bed while bragging about all the things he'd seen while in Sam's head, the dreams of Dean that Sam had been having since he was fifteen and the more lurid ones as he'd gotten older and for a moment as Dean seemed to shift again in his sleep, the younger man feared that perhaps the hallucination was a bit more real than either Winchester thought.
"You think your hero will be so quick to defend you or support you when he learns that you spend a good thirty minutes in the shower jerking off with his name on your lips?" Lucifer's forked tongue slipped out to lick his lips while gazing at Dean's bare chest. "Though I gotta admit a few things Michael said about big brother here might be…"
"Get away from him," Sam's tone had dropped into a low whisper, sick at heart that he'd allowed things to get this bad but he knew he'd never be able to handle it if his own hallucinations, he had to believe Lucifer was just that, touched Dean. "If Dean was awake, if he wasn't so one tracked mind about killing Roman and the Leviathans and saw what was happening to me that he could make you go away.
"Dean made you go away before and only because I haven't told him that I had to let you back in is he not making you go again," he fought back the groan from the cut on his arm that he thought would help him push the Devil back but then cringed when in a flash the image went from beside his brother to back into his space.
"You keep thinking that, Sam. You keep thinking that Dean will help you, will still care if he really knew the truth," Lucifer laughed when his favorite plaything tried to pull back to avoid the hand that went down his chest. "To get rid of me tonight will mean touching Dean in a way you haven't before because I'm tired of being ignored and we both know the second you do that you'll be mine again because the big and tough hero will be out the door and leaving you."
Gasping as he actually felt the hand that touched him much like Lucifer enjoyed tormenting him in the Cage but then he had both Lucifer and Michael's hands on him as both were enraged at the planned Apocalypse going awry.
Still coping with the effects of Becky and other emotional baggage that Sam had been burying for months, things he hadn't wanted to bother his brother over, even the smallest thought of feeling anything touch him when all Sam was wishing for these days was the courage to admit his secret to his brother left him raw and breaking.
"No!" this time when Sam squatted the too close hands away, he shoved out of the corner to nearly fall into the table as his legs nearly gave out and he wondered if perhaps he'd cut his arm a bit too deeply. "I can't, won't tell Dean that. He can be disappointed in me for everything else I've done and for what I'm about to do and I'm sorry I didn't do this sooner before anything could have hurt him but I'll be dead long before he ever finds out how sick I am or I risk the chance that maybe something in my head can hurt him."
Running a shaky hand over his face, Sam's gaze locked on his sleeping brother to see the bruises he'd gained from both the case with Jeffrey and then a casual hunt that turned not so casual when the damn spirit turned violent and tossed his brother into the grave they'd been digging.
Ever since Sam was young he'd known he'd looked at his older brother in a way that wasn't normal. At first he'd assumed it was just because he was around Dean a lot but even in school, while he was attracted to the girls there when he got to the age to understand things more, none of them made him feel the way he did when looking or watching Dean.
He'd grown up watching his brother and Sam knew he was probably barely fifteen when he realized what he was feeling and why he could never let Dean know it.
Sam had buried the feelings, the desire to feel and be touched, to ever know what it would be like to be loved by his brother in a way that Sam knew was wrong and made him a bigger freak than he was.
They were still buried and he'd been able to handle it but since the wall fell it was harder to handle the casual touches when his body was craving more and more, especially tonight when Sam knew Lucifer's mocking words were right.
It would take more than a push on the scar or a touch to his neck or hand to push the damn Devil back this time and Sam would rather take the choice of Dean having to watch his back anymore away than risk losing his brother for good by having him ashamed of him.
"I'm sorry, De'n," he whispered, unaware of when his soft voice broke to the point of dropping a letter in Dean's name like he would when upset or sick and while Sam ached to touch his brother's hand that seemed to be laying outstretched toward his bed he held back. "Don't be mad but this is what's best…for both of us."
Sam stepped into the bathroom to shut the door but he didn't bother locking it as he didn't want to piss Dean off more than he would be when he woke up in the morning if he didn't wake up at the sound of Sam's Taurus going off.
"You don't have the guts to pull that trigger," Lucifer spoke from where he appeared to be leaning against the sink, grinning at the bitchface Sam shot. "Face it, Samamigo, you're stuck with me for the long haul and if you do manage to shoot yourself you're going to put yourself in a much worse place than back with me and Mikey."
Hating the shower enclosure since he would've preferred a tub, Sam considered it and decided this might be better and easier for clean-up…if he stopped considering that he was considering how hard cleanup would be from him shooting his brains out.
"Maybe, but at least I'll die knowing Dean won't have to watch out for me if he doesn't want to anymore and I'll know he won't be hurt by you," Sam remarked, oddly calm as he sat down on the floor with his back to the shower wall; his eyes on the gun in his hand and the pillow he'd grabbed that he'd been holding onto all night since waking up. "I won't hurt him more by ever letting him find out the truth."
"The truth about what and what the hell are you doing?"
The unexpected sleep filled voice made Sam jump, wet and wide hazel eyes shooting to the open bathroom door to see his brother standing there with a hand on the door and his green eyes losing their sleepy quality the longer he took the scene in.
"What…what…why're you awake?" Sam managed to ask while wishing to God Lucifer would shut up and stop looking at Dean like he was. "I…I didn't mean to wake you or…"
"Uh-huh, kinda glad I did wake up now," Dean Winchester wasn't certain what had woken him up since he'd been sound asleep until a cold feeling shooting through his blood woke him up with an urge to check on his brother, who had been unusually edgy the last couple nights. "Sam, what were you about to do?" he asked carefully, not certain he liked what he was looking at.
"Nothing," Sam muttered, realizing how bad that sounded even before his brother's eyebrows both raised since he was sitting in the shower with his weapon and a pillow meant to muffle the sound.
Dean might be half asleep and distracted but he wasn't stupid and one look at his brother's pale face, chewed on bottom lip and the way his eyes kept darting around as if hearing someone other than him began to make him see what was happening. "Sam?"
"I can't do it anymore, Dean!" Sam's head snapped to the side to see Lucifer holding a razorblade in his hand and had to fight internally to make himself believe the blade would not cut Dean when it was jerked down his back. "I can't take him anymore and…I don't want you to be burdened with me if you don't want to be and…NO!"
Sam shot to his feet or tried to when blood on the floor from his cut arm made him slip and he would've fallen if strong hands weren't grabbing him, lifting him up and leading him out of the bathroom.
"When it get this bad again that you can't make the image go away?" Dean wanted to know, fearing he knew the answer and adding another layer of guilt onto an already huge mountain of it because the signs had all been there since right after he'd been grabbed by Jeffrey and nearly bled. "Shit, what the hell did you do, Sam?"
The feel of blood under his fingers caused Dean's heart to jump into his throat as he took in the shallow cut on Sam's arm that wasn't deep but was bleeding badly. "Sam! Look at me," he ordered in the stern voice he knew always got through to his brother but didn't like how long it took Sam to find his eyes. "Where is he?"
"Behind you with a razorblade," Sam's voice was tight, his fingers wanting to grab onto his brother but stayed still as Dean adjusted his body more to the side as if keeping between his brother and the hallucination of the Devil. "Dean, I…I'm sorry," he dropped his eyes to stare at the floor rather than what Dean was doing as he carefully cleaned the arm. "Can't…do it anymore."
"So you were just going to blow your head off in the bathroom," Dean was surprised his tone wasn't loud since even the thought of that scared him; of what might've happened if he hadn't woken up when he did. "Why isn't the scar thing working anymore?" he asked, relieved to see the arm didn't need stitches but would require watching as he bandaged it tightly. "Sammy, talk to me. I need you to tell me what's going on in that head of yours."
"Oh, he won't like that if he knew," Lucifer got closer while glowering at the older Winchester who seemed to move anytime the image got closer to Sam. "I really want something vile to rip his guts out and eat them while he watches what I do to you."
Sam's whole body went rigid, his fingers suddenly digging into Dean's wrist to feel his brother's hand turn over to grip his; palm to palm and the younger man blinked as the image seemed to flicker. "He hates you," he murmured, watching Dean's face for signs of anger or disinterest but only seeing calm green eyes watching him as a small smirk curved Dean's lips.
"Yeah, well I haven't been real thrilled with him since he first decided he wanted to wear my little brother so the feeling's mutual but you know he can't hurt you. You know you're outta the Cage and you're with me," Dean held the glassy eyes and didn't realize his other hand was casually brushing over Sam's arm until something else clicked in the way those glassy eyes locked on his with both fear, hope, need and…
Dean was quickly trying to dismiss what he thought he saw in that brief moment just as Sam seemed to jerk as if slapped and he quickly used the hand that Sam wasn't holding onto with a death grip to touch his face. "Why won't he leave this time?"
"Because he's too strong," Sam whispered, wanting to curl on the bed he was sitting on but he kept feeling hands on him that he couldn't deflect without letting his brother know how far he'd let this get but finally it became too much and he whimpered. "Please make it stop," he pleaded, trying to curl forward to protect himself. "Dean!"
The helpless scared tone finally snapped Dean out of the fog of self-hate and rage he'd been feeling toward Dick Roman and allowed him to really see his brother for the first time in months and what he saw terrified him.
Sam was pale and shaking with deep shadows under his eyes from not sleeping again and just a look at his behavior now told him what the hell the Devil was doing to his little brother.
He'd never asked straight out because he hadn't wanted to bring it back but forty years in Hell himself gave Dean a fair idea of what might have happened to Sam while in the Cage with two pissed off dicks and the way Sam was folding in on himself gave him the idea of what was happening now and it wouldn't so long as Dean was alive.
"What can I do to stop it?" he asked, not stopping Sam from pulling his legs up to his chest but he did keep a hand on him when he tried to move away. "Sammy. Tell me what I need to do to help you."
"You can't help me this time, Dean," the tears went unnoticed as Sam tried to focus on his brother and not the smirking and mocking hallucination that was too close now. "The only way to even make him back off a little would freak you out and that's why I was going to kill myself," he knew he couldn't tell his brother, much less give in to the urge of just being so close was causing. "I'd rather be dead than watch you walk out the door. I'd rather be dead than to see the shame in your eyes if you knew."
That reminded Dean of what else he'd heard when he first opened the bathroom door. "If I knew what?" he asked again, lifting Sam's chin with his hand and not liking the wildness he could see growing in hazel eyes he once knew so well. "What's so bad that you think I'd walk out on you? Hey, I survived Robo-You so nothing could be as bad as that."
"Ohhh, he has no clue how wrong he is, does he?" Lucifer snickered, leaning over Dean's shoulder until an arm actually shifted back to nearly hit him. "You gonna tell him, Sammy-boy? You gonna tell your hero what it'll take to shut me up or…"
"Sammy, look at me…not at him and tell me what I have to do for you to make this stop or at least get you back on level ground again," Dean could almost sense the heaviness in the air but he could also sense something else and was trying to ignore that as his own sleep deprived mind taking a wrong turn. "Whatever it is, just tell me or do it and I swear to you I won't walk…mmhn?"
Whether it was Lucifer's sneering face, his mocking and teasing words or finally just his desperation for some relief Sam couldn't be sure.
He wasn't even aware of his move until he felt the heat of Dean's mouth as he suddenly moved enough to kiss his brother, cutting the words off while digging the fingers of the hand that wasn't being pressed into the bed against Dean's shoulder for contact.
"Huh, you never fail to shock me," Lucifer sneered, feeling his hold lessen but he wasn't done yet. "Of course, we both know what's gonna happen…unless he beats the crap outta you for being a pervert who wants in his jeans."
Sam jerked at the words but they served to shock him into realizing what he'd just done and could feel his heart jackhammering against his chest as he pulled back to see the look of complete shock come over Dean's rugged face…a second before the mask came down.
"I'm…I'm sorry," he wanted to apologize, he wanted to explain what it would take this time to make Lucifer go away, he wanted to finally say how long he'd wanted to do that but as Dean stood up to walk toward the door and the Devil broke into a glorious victory song it was taking all of Sam's strength not to curl into a ball and sob. "Dean…please, please don't le…huh?"
The sound of the lock on the door being thrown reminded Sam barely that he must have forgot to lock the door but his head was jerking up and around when it locked to see his brother's hand flat on the door before Dean slowly turned back to face him and the lump in his throat was big enough to choke him because unlike any other time he'd made Dean mad this time his brother's face was unreadable…and that terrified Sam.
Ever since Hell and what happened to him there, Dean's temper and reactions to things weren't like they always had been and were more prone to violence, a fact Sam knew well since he and Dean had plenty of physical fights right after his return and since then but now Sam wasn't sure what his brother would say or do.
It wasn't every day that a guy's brother kissed him and Sam wished he could find his gun and just do what he'd been intending to so he wouldn't have to hear whatever Dean said next.
"This a new thing?" was not what Sam was expecting to hear asked and it took him a couple loud heartbeats before he realized Dean was standing by the bed looking down at him, still with no emotion showing but also no fists lashing out either. "Or is this something we needed to talk about from your time in the Cage?"
"No!" Sam refused to even think on what happened to him there, trying to block out Lucifer's annoying rattling to focus on his brother. "I mean, no…it's not new but…I'm sorry," he lowered his eyes, jerking as if something touched him but then did feel something on his shoulder to see Dean was sitting back on the edge of the bed to try to get him to turn towards him more but Sam tried to resist the tug.
"Please, I can't handle you hating me on top of Lucifer's not shutting up. I knew kissing you was wrong. I'm wrong. I've been a bigger freak and pervert since I was fifteen and got hard watching you come out of the shower to get ready for a date," he tried not to give in to the hand on his shoulder but when the Devil's hand moved to touch a scar on Sam's chest and he jerked Sam found himself sitting up with both of Dean's hands on his neck and only the slightest warning in deep green eyes kept that younger man from fighting the hold he knew would turn violent in another moment and he rushed to explain.
"The past few days if you touched me or was close to me then the image would either flicker or leave me alone. Tonight…tonight is harder because I…dreamed and…woke up to him or the image…the hallucination of him touching…and…I can't do this, Dean," Sam gritted, fingers tight when they gripped onto his brother's wrists on instinct; needing the contact to ground him as he feared he was losing the last stable thing and it was all his fault. "Don't hate me. I swear, I will never do it again and I'll never touch you at all now that you think I'm a sick perverted freak for loving…I mean…"
Sam's words flowed off as he tried to turn away from the intensity of his brother's gaze but Dean's grip was firm to the point of holding him still but not hurting him which was both confusing and frightening to him. "I'm…"
The next apology was broken off by warm soft lips pressing against his in a careful, almost tender, kiss as Dean used one hand on Sam's neck to pull the shocked younger man against him while his other hand gently carded back through disheveled hair.
"Don't apologize again and don't ever say you're sick or perverted because you're not," Dean's voice was lower, huskier when he broke the kiss but didn't pull back away from Sam, keeping his fingers a light touch now while smoothing his hand over the side of his stunned and barely breathing younger brother's face; feeling the little puffs of breath against his face.
"You're a strong, caring, gentle man who has been through hell literally and figuratively and I will be wiping your ass all over the parking lot tomorrow if you ever bring up what I say to you tonight," he added with a growl only a second before his mouth was back on Sam's in a more heated kiss.
Sam barely had time to register what seemed to be happening before he found himself with his back on the bed and his brother's lips locked to his in a kiss that was searing what little coherent thought the hunter could manage right then.
"Hey! What's going on here?" Lucifer had stopped smirking and mocking Sam's plight when it became harder to stay as Dean's surprise move took both hallucination and Sam off guard. "No, no. This isn't supposed to be what happens," he complained in as close to a whine as the Devil should use. "He's supposed to hate you. Big brother was supposed to think you're a perverted freak and walk out. He's not supposed to…want you back."
Shivering from both the heat of the kiss, the sudden burning need that just shot to life in another part of his body and the now furious Lucifer screaming in his ear Sam's hands gripped the bedspread rather than touch what he so badly wanted to touch.
"Dean?" he was finally able to whisper once his brother eased back to meet his eyes. "Christo?"
"I'm not possessed, Sam," Dean's smile was amused, as close to relaxed as Sam could remember seeing in a long time. "Want to know why I kissed you back instead of freaking out like you were expecting?" he asked, lips smoothing along Sam's jaw lick a stripe up from his neck to his ear while leaning closer so their chests bumped. "Do you really want me to tell you and the annoying hallucination of the biggest asshole Heaven or Hell ever had what I want to do you now that you've given me the chance and why?"
Gasping as the feelings shooting through him from just a few simple touches and the feel of Dean's calloused fingers running down the center of his chest and back up until they stopped to lay over Sam's still wildly beating heart. "W…why?" he managed, trying to keep his eyes open but they closed with his soft moan as his brother's lips and teeth began to lightly tease and suckle a spot just behind his ear and staying still was getting harder.
"Because I've wanted to since before you were sixteen and if you hadn't left for Stanford when you did it wouldn't have been much longer before I lost the battle of wills I was having with myself and probably tossed your cocky ass on the bed the next time Dad left," Dean's voice was now between gravelly and sugar coated sex, a tone he'd spent years perfecting. "Look at me, Sammy."
Hazel eyes now clouded with more lust and need than shock and hurt opened to find Dean watching him seriously, the pad of a thumb running over Sam's bottom lip until it was a chore not to suck it into his mouth. "You…" full sentences were not easy to come by right then as Sam worked to concentrate and not allow the damn image of Lucifer to convince him this wasn't real. "But…you can't want this…me," he tried to argue, blinking against the distraction of Lucifer until firm fingers found a rock hard nipple to lightly roll it. "You're not…I mean…you like girls and…"
"Yeah and no doubt that I'll probably still flirt if a cute waitress comes along but wanting you, needing to touch you, needing to finally be able to say and do the things that I've wanted to for more years than I like to think about has nothing to do with either one of us being gay," Dean had put a lot of thought into this matter years ago after a drunken binge during the whole Ruby mess left him locked in the bathroom to sober up before he had flipped his brother onto a bed to show him exactly he'd been dreaming of doing.
"We both still enjoy females, a fact that Robo-you demonstrated a lot and while I think you know that for certain reasons while you were growing up I might've done a couple things with a guy here or there but that was a have to case you're the only guy that ever really makes me hard or makes me want to forget all the crap long enough to show you what can happen between us…if you want to let it go that far," he paused when Sam's eyes dilated more until just a thin ring of hazel showed. "You want to feel my hands on you more than I'm doing now? You want to watch as I get these jeans off and feel as I open you with my fingers so you can take my…"
"Yes!" Sam cried out, focus now locked on his brother and not on Lucifer who was beginning to flicker more with every touch Dean offered. "God, I've dreamed of feeling your hands touching me since I was in high school but…you don't have to prep me or anything," he chewed his bottom lip as his fingers dug in tighter to the spread when a tongue licked over his chest before hot lips closed over his already sensitive little nub. "Need to feel you, Dean."
Dean could feel the tension radiating throughout his brother's body but wasn't certain if it was from what was now happening between them or from the still viable hallucination that something in the back of Dean's mind, maybe a long buried aftereffect of his time in Hell was telling him was still around his little brother.
Then what else Sam said registered and he frowned but never stopped the slow sweet motion of his mouth over skin that had been cold but now seemed to be heating with every touch. "Have you ever done anything with a guy before, Sam?" he asked quietly, fingers slipping down to undo the snap of Sam's jeans while sitting up to just watch his brother; torn between being in shock that his drop dead gorgeous little brother, the guy that he'd been forcing himself to not think of in any other way than brotherly, had been torturing himself for having the same feelings for him and being more in awe of Sam's courage than he was before.
Surviving the Pit was one thing but Dean still carried the inner scars from that time and he suspected what Sam had gone through had been so much worse, especially if he took into consideration the nightmares his brother didn't know he knew he was having from that time again.
"Experimented once in college, before I met Jess," Sam admitted, voice shaky as he opened his eyes again to watch long experienced fingers slowly undo the zipper and he was certain his breath caught and his heart would explode as it began to sink in what was actually happening. "At a party, Freshman year, some Junior gave me a heavier drink than what I'd been drinking I guess. I was still on the fence to whether I liked Jess or not because if I was so into you that I left home or risk you learning my dirty little secret."
"If you had told me back then it would've been a whole different ballgame in what happened with you leaving," Dean lifted his darkening green eyes a little to see that the knuckles on Sam's fingers were turning white from clutching the bedspread rather than try to touch him. "Either you wouldn't have gone and we would've gone on our own or…I would've figured out how to survive in California but I also would've killed the bastard for putting his hands on you."
The words were spoken lowly but also with Dean's normal growl that he tended to get whenever anyone hurt or threatened his brother. To know that Sam had been hurt while in school because his little brother had always had the bad habit of being too damn trusting bothered him…though not nearly as much as the thought that some muscle brained jock probably had thought it a good plan to try to have any form of sex with Sam without even prepping him first.
"What he use?" he asked, taking his time as he opened the denim to smile a little at the way Sam's hips shifted up to help in the removal of the now restricting clothes but also noticed the slight frown flicker over his brother's face at the question. "Spit, lube…something? Sammy?"
The memory of his first and only time of letting a guy near him flickered and the distraction of that, away from what Dean was doing as his jeans and boxer briefs were slowly being removed, gave Lucifer's hallucination another spike in strength…until a single fingertip brushed over his hardening shaft and his focus shot back to his brother.
"A little spit I think. It hurt a lot but I figured it was supposed to and either because of I was too drunk or he was it didn't turn out well and when he tried again a few weeks after I started dating Jess I broke his nose and nothing ever happened like that…until now," he was glued to the way Dean's fingers were just hovering over his lower stomach before moving closer to Sam's cock as it nearly jumped. "That's why I said you don't need to prep me or…mmhm."
Dean leaned up to place a gentle kiss that was soft and loving and slowly heating against Sam's mouth, his tongue lightly flicking over lips that opened readily to allow his older brother freedom to explore and claim but Dean didn't increase the pressure as he swallowed Sam's small moan of pleasure at the feel of their tongues first meeting.
"Baby boy, you have no idea what it should be like because that asshole didn't know or care enough to make sure it was good for you. I won't make that same mistake," Dean murmured against Sam's lips, smiling at the feel of his brother's shaking fingers hesitantly moving finally up to just lightly touch his chest. "You can touch me, Sammy. You can do whatever you want. I promise you won't wake up because this isn't a dream. It's real, I'm real," he added, watching Sam's eyes darken even more at the use of a nickname he hadn't used since his brother was sixteen.
Sam had dreamed of touching his brother for years. Half the time with Ruby he'd needed to picture Dean just to be able to get off but he suspected admitting that might be better served for later. "I…I don't know what to do," he admitted quietly, a little embarrassed that he felt as awkward with this, with Dean, as he had with his first real sexual experience. "I've just dream stuff and wished you felt the same for me but…"
"I do and you can do whatever you want right now, Sam," Dean understood Sam's confusion, he also figured Lucifer was still hanging around if he read his brother's face and the way he would tense as if the damn hallucination was trying to get between them. "You said he hates me," he brought Sam's attention back to him by sliding his tongue over a spot between Sam's neck and shoulder, guessing this spot was especially sensitive when his brother shivered but also moaned. "Tell me why."
"Cause…you protect me," Sam gasped at the feel of warm lips locking onto the hollow of his throat to begin a gentle sucking while strong fingers teased at the base of his cock until the younger man knew he would come untouched just from this if he didn't try to concentrate. "You've always been the one thing I lock onto when scared or upset. The images in the Cage, it was always hardest for them to make me see you hurting me unless it was…" he broke that off but knew his brother had caught the unspoken meaning because Dean tensed briefly but didn't stop what he was doing.
"He hates you now because he said you'd walk out on me, hate me if you knew what I wanted, what I've been wanting from you and…oh God!" Sam's head went back when Dean's fingers curled around him to give an experienced move from base to head that left the younger man nearly writhing.
"Sonuvabitch," Dean whispered, amazed at how reactive Sam was to just a few simple touches and felt his own jeans beginning to get a little tighter than normal as his cock reacted to the sounds coming from his brother now. "Sit up a second, Sammy," he instructed, easing back so Sam could move but smoothed a hand gently down his chest to reassure him. "Touch me."
Sam blinked at this, a little unsure on why this was important but carefully took a hand to lightly trace a finger over the muscles on Dean's chest that he figured he was probably one of the few people who actually knew his brother was built and built well.
"Does touching me take the images away or just when I touch you?" Dean asked curiously, amused at how focused Sam was on just the little touches and reminded of how his brother would be when younger and learning something new. "Sam, I'm not a girl, dude, I'm not gonna break if you actually touch me or…" then it hit him that Sam didn't know how far to go because he was still on the verge of not believing this was real. "When you were sixteen, what would you dream or want?"
"You to touch me," Sam replied instantly, hand flattening to lay over Dean's anti-possession and gradually slide down to his stomach to trace the various scars his brother still carried; unaware of how his brother's green eyes were deepening at his innocent touches. "I knew I'd never have the guts to touch you or kiss you plus all I really wanted was to feel your hand on me or to have you…" he blushed more since while dirty talk was second nature to his brother it wasn't quite so easy for Sam.
Dean curved a hand over Sam's face to lift it back to eye level, a habit he knew he'd have to break the kid of again if this was going to work. "Okay, I have no problem doing any of that and probably a lot more but…" he paused to place his other hand over Sam's while guiding it lower to rest on the clear erection pressing against the zipper of his jeans. "…once we get you back on stable and Lucifer free ground again I am so going to have to explain that whatever this is between us, what we do, what we both want…is about more than just me touching you or sex.
"I need you to understand that it's alright to want to touch me, to kiss me but…that's not what you need now, is it?" he knew this even before Sam's fingers curled into his thigh and he simply began to lay soft kisses along his brother's jaw until finally he felt his younger brother relax against him. "Where is he now?"
"Beside us but he's flickering when you…" Sam leaned forward to risk kissing Dean again, still a little hesitant until he felt strong fingers on his neck that squeezed lightly to urge him to continue and slowly relaxed into the kiss once he felt Dean kiss him back. "He says this is in my head."
Having had about enough of these damn images that had nearly destroyed his brother once, Dean shifted his hand to grip Sam's neck a bit more and took control of the kiss by angling his head just a notch; hearing the low moan come from his brother and did feel a change in the room.
"Lay on your stomach for me," he whispered against Sam's ear, running his tongue around the shell of his ear to smile at the small laugh Sam tried to cover then whatever else he might have said dried up as he took in the sight that was before him.
Growing up together, being stuck in a car or cheap motels had given Dean a good idea of what his little brother looked like. He'd been watching Sam grow up from when he was an infant to the gawky teenage stage after Sam hit that dreaded growth spurt at fourteen.
It once had amused him to see his geeky little brother trying to grow into long legs and big feet. He loved teasing Sam nearly every day about it mainly because it annoyed the hell out of Sam that Dean didn't seem to ever have those growing pains and had just been naturally smooth and agile.
Dean wasn't certain when the morning happened that he turned around from getting dressed one morning to offer his usual morning snark when Sam exited the shower to nearly swallow his tongue when it hit him literally below the belt that his once geeky and gawky baby brother was slowly growing into a young man.
A young man with long limbs, floppy hair, dimples when he smile, an innocence that Dean dearly wished he could've kept and also a young man that he'd suddenly realized he wanted in ways that were so not very brotherly.
Now as he looked at Sam laying on his stomach, a couple pillows eased under him to help with what would be uncomfortable at first he was once again that nineteen year old realizing his baby brother had grown up into a man.
Only this young man had well defined muscles still there from his time when all Robo-Sam had done was work out. The hair was still floppy and just to the stage of long that Dean knew it was time to start teasing about it but as his fingers ran through it to touch Sam's scalp and heard a small sound of pleasure come from his brother he got to see the other things that he hadn't been allowing himself to see.
The wide shoulders that had carried far too much for far too long, the strong back that was only now showing signs of faltering under the heavy load that their life had put on him but he also noticed the bruises that were showing easier these days, the beginning of being able to see a few ribs that meant his normally healthy food loving brother wasn't eating like he once did.
Since the wall fell, since Bobby's death, Dean had gotten a little off track of constantly watching his brother in favor of his obsession to bring the Leviathan leader down. Now as he sat there to lightly curve his palm down Sam's back, over a hip to come to rest over the firmly sculpted ass that once upon a time Dean had dreams that drive him into ice cold showers at the thought of ever touching or feeling clench around his now achingly hard and leaking cock that was not happy with still being trapped in clothes while Sam was laying naked and so willing beside him.
"Is this what you want tonight, Sammy?" he finally asked, voice rough and a little shaky as he tried to push back the rush of desire to take and claim what had pretty much been his for years if only he hadn't been so busy burying his own feelings to see what Sam had been shielding. "Y'know there are other ways we can…"
Sam shifted enough to be able to look over his shoulder, hazel eyes only a thin ring still but the doubt that perhaps his brother didn't want this was plain on his face. "If you don't…"
"I want you to be sure this is what you want, Sam," Dean leaned up to kiss him, slowly at first before letting the heat build as he touched his brother's face to feel Sam turn into his hand. "Trust me. Stopping this now would be the hardest thing for me to do but I also need to be sure this is what you want."
The slightest waver of doubt from Sam allowed the flickering hallucination strength again and Lucifer smirked at Sam from over Dean's shoulder. "Maybe he doesn't want to really claim that tight ass since he figures what else has been in it."
"Don't look at him," Dean caught the flash that came over Sam's face and knew the cause, fingers smoothing over Sam's lower back as his lips began a slow descent from neck, to shoulder, to down his spine until coming to rest on a scar at the small of the back that the older hunter knew had been a gift from a now dead bald Angel that had tried to hurt Sam to get Dean to give in. "You look at and listen to me," he got off the bed only long enough to dig in his duffel for a small tube. "If I could do this with you on your back so you could see what I was doing I would but for the first time it's easier like this."
"Said you don't have to prep me, Dean," Sam argued, ignoring Lucifer again at the feel of strong hands and fingers curving over his ass carefully but wasn't aware of when he tensed at the feel of just a fingertip slipping into the crease to find the tight puckered hole; teeth biting down on his lip.
The memories of the one time in Stanford as well as the other times in his life, the more vicious times that neither brother liked to remember, flashed through his mind until he once again felt Dean's lips soothing him by offering light kisses long his shoulder and neck.
"I won't hurt you, Sam," Dean murmured, flipping the cap of the lube open. "This'll feel cold for just a second but you tell me if you don't like it or if it hurts too much and we'll put this off for another night and I'll show you another way that I can make you feel so damn good."
Sam wanted to say it didn't matter because while he wanted this he honestly didn't expect it to feel good considering the size of what he knew Dean's cock was and how tight his opening was but before he could think of a good way to express that he felt something cold squirt along his crease, shivering from that but then gasping out a moan at the feel of a finger touching just around his rim.
"Easy, baby boy," Dean soothed him with just his voice, nudging Sam's legs apart more so he could carefully begin to open him but had to fight down a groan at the first muscle clench of Sam's ass just on his fingertip. "Shit, you are so damn tight, Sammy," it both scared and awed him that his brother was willing to give him this and he made a silent vow to make it good for the younger man and not hurt him no matter how long it took to properly prep him.
Not sure what to expect or what Dean would do, Sam was soon gasping and pretty close to begging even though he understood what his brother was doing right then was nothing compared to what he would do soon; what Sam really wanted him to do now.
"Dean, please. I want to feel you inside me…I want to come with you inside so please…oh!" he broke off as more lube was added to help slick the way for just the single finger that was carefully working its way up to the first ring of muscle that clenched against the intrusion no matter how hard Sam fought to relax against the odd sensation of something other than perhaps his own fingers in his ass.
Helping Sam up on his knees to add a few more pillows under him for support, Dean worked slowly until finally the first ring gave way to allow his finger up to tight heat and he moaned against the knob of bone at the top of Sam's spine that he'd locked his mouth around to serve as a distraction for him and Sam who was shaking more as a thin sheen of sweat covered the toned body.
Up like this it was hard to find friction for the red and swelled cock that was now dripping precome at a steady pace but Sam worked to keep his hands away from it but at the first feel of something brushing against inside him and sparks and shocks went off inside him it was all the young man could do not to scream and come from just that.
"Jesus! What the…" he moaned when it happened again but this time the pleasure shot through his whole body as Dean's body covered his back when he leaned over him to kiss his neck and shoulders and he heard a low chuckle. "Dean?"
"That was my finger touching your prostate and if you react like that from a finger I can't wait to see what you do when I'm filling you up and my cock is hitting that spot over and over, Sammy," Dean had been forced to unzip his already unbuttoned jeans to ease the pain the zipper had been putting on his cock but he'd nearly came just from Sam's reaction to the simple touch. "It gets better, baby boy."
Any better than that and Sam was certain he's implode. He was about to say that when he felt the stretch and burn of a second finger being added and all words simply went away with a low moan of want; his hips shifting back to meet the fingers that were gently working him open to try to get them in deeper but a hand caressing down his hip urged restraint.
"Dean," he heard the whine in his own voice but by this point all Sam knew was he wanted to feel more and he wanted the flickering hallucination gone totally. "Please just get…Fuck!" he wasn't sure to move back or forward as the two fingers scissoring to stretch him became three but Dean's other hand had slipped in front of him to begin to stroke his leaking and ready cock. "Uhhh, no…gonna come if you do that," he tried to object, shaking his head against the touch. "Wanna come with you fucking me."
"Not gonna fuck you, Sammy," Dean smiled against the tensing shoulder while pressing a kiss there and groaning at the tightness he could still feel even after spending far more time than he thought either he or Sam could stand this first time opening his brother up for his fully hard cock. "Shhh, calm down, listen to me and think.
"Would I be driving us both nuts taking the time to properly lube you, stretch you open so you could take me without too much pain and getting you used to being touched by me if I was just going to fuck you into the mattress?" he asked, tone dropping even lower to the one that Sam had never heard from his brother before and he struggled to make sense of what was happening and what was being said. "Would I?"
Feeling the touches slow down, gentle while Dean's mouth continued to kiss and suck its way down his back, it clicked finally what his brother was doing and just like that any remaining tension and slight fear melted away and Sam relaxed. "No," he whispered in a voice raw with unspoken emotion and unshed tears blurring his vision until a brush of knuckles down his cheek caused him to blink. "You…you wouldn't but…"
Ever since Sam could remember his brother had lived by his no chick flick moments rule. Dean buried any emotion he felt unless usually Sam was hurt or sick and then some of the wall would drop but it was rare for him to be willing to show this much raw and unguarded emotion.
"I'm not some guy and neither are you. Regardless of what's about to happen now or tomorrow night or the next night being with you isn't like some chick I pick up at bar," easing off the bed to finally, gratefully shedding his jeans and very damp boxer briefs before slowly returning until he was kneeling behind Sam.
Though he still held back from giving both weeping cock and brother what they wanted as he positioned himself so he was just brushing against the crease of Sam's ass while leaning up with so his chest was pressed against Sam's back to turn his little brother's face more toward him.
"Ignoring the chick flick rule for the next little while, you've been more to me than just my annoying pain in the ass little brother for years, Sam and while I won't promise slow and careful every time because I think both of us know that's not what we want I also can't just pound into you to get off or suck you off out of a need," he met Sam's mouth for a kiss that was somewhere in the middle of hot and slow, rough and gentle to suck Sam's bottom lip into his mouth before easing back to give a final kiss but held Sam's eyes.
"That's why I said I'm not fucking you because I'm not. What I will do is make love with you and hopefully one time when you don't have images of Lucifer hanging around we can do a few other things that will make you do more than you are right now," holding his brother's gaze for a moment longer as something unspoken seemed to pass between them Dean smoothed a hand down to grip Sam's hip while positioning the head of his weeping and ready to implode cock just at the beginning of the stretched but still tight hole to take a better grasp with both hands.
Sam had relaxed at the depth of emotion and the unspoken love that he'd seemed reflected at him from Dean's green eyes but no matter how much he trusted his brother, how much he wanted to feel this his inner body still started to tense at the first touch of the mushroom head piercing his hole and he made himself try to relax again when he felt the soothing sigils being drawn against the skin of his hip.
"I wish I could say this wouldn't hurt but until we've done this more it will because you're not used to anything more than a finger touching you back here," Dean wished he could promise no pain or do something to take Sam's mind off the brief instant of pain before the pleasure took over when something in the way Sam's eyes tried to shift in surprise made him bit his cheek rather than smirk. "Oh and by the way, you didn't think this would be a one-time thing, right, Sammy?" he asked, knowing that once he did this that it would be really hard to go back to being the way they were.
"Kinda hoped it wouldn't be," Sam admitted in a soft voice, trying to relax more as he felt the solid weight of Dean's cock filling him slowly and nearly reacted on blind instinct to the burst of pain he felt as the thick and red cock split him open and only the soothing voice whispering in his ear, the one hand gripping his hip and the other that had slid around and down kept him from panicking as images of fire and flame and pain all hit him as Lucifer seemed to make one last ditch effort to bother him. "Not…real."
Dean heard the whispered words, gritting his teeth in both frustration that even now the damn Devil wouldn't leave his little brother in peace and at how his own body wanted to slam his hips forward to go fully balls to ass but refused to hurt Sam like that; continuing his slow entry into tight heat that had him also fighting the low sounds that wanted free.
Pausing when he was halfway in to allow Sam a chance to adjust to the burning stretch and also to regain some tightly wound control, he leaned up to lay hot wet kisses up the tightly straining shoulders before moving the fingers of his other hand up past the twitching cock that seemed to be seeking any kind of friction from where it laid just barely brushing the bed to find the full balls and the sac behind them.
The burning stretch had just started to ease back enough to allow something else to take its place, a low building pleasure that was going right to Sam's head and then his cock when the light touch on his balls soon had Sam gasping out a moan that turned into his brother's name in the next breath. "De'n…please…"
"Almost there, baby boy," Dean assured him, feeling Sam's body try to decide if it wanted to move back on his cock or forward into his hand. "Gonna make you come so hard with just my hand and my cock in your ass hitting that spot."
"Gonna…come if you don't shut the hell up and…oh my God!" Sam cried out when, with a final hard roll of his hips, Dean was flush with his ass and the last burst of pain was short as pure molten pleasure filled him with a long moan. "What…are you…?" he couldn't make a full sentence right then since his cock was jumping and aching so much for release when Sam suddenly felt his brother ease back a little. "What?"
Dean's words to calm him went unheard when suddenly Sam felt a sharp slap across his face. "No…"
"It doesn't matter how much you fuck him or he fakes his way through it being big brother, your ass will always belong to me, Sammy-boy and don't you…what?" Lucifer sneering face seemed to take on a surprised look as he tried one last time to get the younger man distracted with his own images when it seemed like the hold he had on Sam's mind was releasing itself. "What the…"
"Mine," Dean's voice was a low growl, his lips were against Sam's ear but his eyes were locked to the empty space that seemed to have drawn his little brother's wavering gaze.
He couldn't see exactly what Sam was seeing but Dean knew he didn't have to see Lucifer to believe what his brother was fighting against. He knew how real those images could be and that had been with a totally intact mind.
So Dean might not be able to see Lucifer to know he was still around. Just like right then he suspected the hallucination was even more pissed off because Dean was also aware what would broke the Devil's hold on Sam.
"Mine," he growled again but with more intensity in the deepening tone, keeping his one hand curved possessively on Sam's thrusting hip while his other began to work to slowly and gently roll the heavy balls in his hand in between brushing a finger up against the sac to soothe and distract Sam. "He's been mine since the moment our Mother let me hold him for the first time and he will be mine until one of us takes our last breath. He will never be brought down to this level again so long as I'm alive and nothing from Hell or Heaven will ever touch my little brother again."
Adjusting his grip so he could ease Sam up to his knees fully, Dean licked hotly up the side of his neck while whispering in his ear and smiled when Sam moved his hands up to the wall above the bed to support himself. "Did you hear what I just said, Sammy?" he asked, rolling his hips in a way that now with this new position his cock hit his brother's sweet spot with every move. "Remember back in that warehouse when I told you that I was the stone cold number one thing you could believe in because I was your brother and only I had the right to kick your ass when it was needed?"
Mindless moans of pleasure and need made it hard to hear but at the feel of firm fingers beginning to stroke him, Sam's head rolled back to find Dean's shoulder. "Yeah," he managed to get out, fingers digging into the headboard but getting his eyes opened.
"I meant when I said that if you believed in nothing else then believe in me. Well, now I'm going to tell you to believe in us because nothing is going to hurt you and the images aren't real," Dean's other hand left Sam's hip to move up and grip his brother's jaw, turning it enough so their eyes met over Sam's shoulder. "You're real. I'm real…this is real, Sammy. This is all you need to remember to ever know where you're at," his teeth nipped lightly at the trembling jaw before sliding closer to Sam's ear again. "Mine, baby boy."
"Always have been yours, Dean," Sam groaned, body tightening as it came so close to release that he was shaking with need. "Please…gotta come. Now," he gasped at the feel of Dean's body moving against and in him that Sam knew that nothing would ever be as intense of this moment, feeling the strain in his brother's arms and knowing he was holding back. "Wanna feel you come inside me, Dean."
Stroking from base to tip with strong and experienced fingers, Dean picked up the pace of his hand's movement at the tone of breaking emotion he could hear from Sam as his moans and gasps turned to quick little pants and gasps.
"You will, Sam," he assured him, tipping his head back just enough to claim his mouth in a searing hot kiss that took what breath Sam had left away as he felt and welcomed Dean's tongue again. "But first, come for me," Dean whispered against his lips. "Now."
Sam's whole body had been on a tightwire since waking up earlier to Lucifer and while some of the edge had gone away with the silence in his head and the feel of Dean in him and all around him, the hot words whispered in the sexed out tone as a tongue licked over his mouth and Sam felt his balls draw up only a moment before an expert twist of Dean's hand over his shaft had him shooting hot stripes of come over Dean's hand, the headboard and bedspread with a cry of pleasure. "Dean!"
"I've got ya, Sammy," Dean's voice was tight with suppressed need and want but even as his hips still moved to work his cock in the tight heat of Sam's ass, brushing against his now overly sensitive prostate to help work Sam through the nearly violent strength of the orgasm that had his brother speaking in what Dean was certain was Latin by this point.
His fingers continued to stroke to help milk the orgasm to its fullest and to bring Sam down slowly even as he could feel Sam's inner muscles clenching down hard on his cock and with a low moan from Sam, his tongue seeking permission to touch and explore on his own and Dean gave it freely.
The first tentative touch of Sam's tongue in his mouth however was what pushed Dean over the edge into his own climax, groaning into his little brother's mouth before pulling back to find the spot between Sam's neck and shoulder to lock onto with his mouth to mark it with both his teeth and mouth.
Hips jerking forward as his cock shot come inside his softly moaning brother but it seemed as if Sam's body didn't want to let go as it flexed around Dean, milking his cock of all he had before finally going limp and only Dean's arm around his chest supported him as he crashed, eyes falling closed with a whispered murmur Dean only heard because he was so close.
"No, thank you, Sammy," he whispered tightly, voice raw from too much emotion spent and the amount Dean knew he would still have to show as he supported Sam's weight while shifting him over to Dean's bed for a mild cleanup that would work until either of them woke up for a shower.
By the time the rush wore off and Sam's senses began to come back to him, the first thing he realized was he was alone in his head for the first time in a long time and that alone nearly made him cry but then he felt the hard warmth of a body laying beside him, a heartbeat strong under his ear and familiar fingers carding back through his damp hair to allow fingers to brush over his scalp in a way that made him shudder.
"You waking back up, Sammy?" Dean's voice was calm and a little amused; nothing was left of the mild panic he felt when his brother didn't wake up in a few minutes after crashing from the combined orgasms and not having Lucifer bothering him. "You were beginning to freak me out since I've never had anyone sleep for twelve hours after having sex with me," he tried for a light hearted chuckle but this time Sam heard the concern.
Twelve hours? Sam's head lifted to see that he was on his brother's bed which was a queen but a small queen so it barely fit the two of them comfortably so Sam knew Dean hadn't slept much, if at all if he was worried about him. "I…" he started to apologize only to have warm lips shut him up with a soft kiss that made him whimper with a need he wasn't sure he'd feel this soon.
"Don't apologize for anything, Sam," Dean warned after breaking the kiss, fingers still moving back through Sam's hair before finally coming to rest along his jaw and then brushing over the clear mark he'd made toward the end. "When was the last time you really slept?"
"A week or so I guess," in truth, Sam wasn't certain the last time he'd felt safe enough to sleep much less wake up relaxed and not on edge or worried. "We…ummm," he wasn't sure how to ask what was on his tongue, tracing a finger over the ridges of muscles along his brother's stomach. "I mean, was it…damn…"
"You're not tongue-tied very often," this time Dean's chuckle was amused, easing over until Sam was on his back and he was propped up on an elbow beside him. "It was great, if that's what you're worried about. Mindblowing if you consider that it knocked you on your ass for half a day," he smoothed a hand over Sam's chest to allow the searching hand to grasp his. "You okay?"
Sam hadn't been 'okay' in a while so he wasn't certain what qualified for that right then. He thought he got the meaning behind the question though and slowly nodded. "He's gone," he murmured, watching Dean's face relax before adding. "It felt like he wasn't certain what was happening at the end. He couldn't hold on because of you. Will…will he be back, De'n?"
Still sleepy and exhausted after weeks of constant action and worry, Sam dropped a letter in his brother's name like he would normally and sighed with contentment when he was eased back against Dean's side; his head over his brother's heart and an arm wrapped protectively around his shoulders.
"I don't know, Sammy," Dean wished he could offer some type of reassurance that Lucifer's image wouldn't be back but he knew that wasn't possible.
All he could do was pay attention and actually be there for Sam like he'd always been. Of course not he had another reason to watch his little brother and not feel creepy doing it.
"If it happens again then we'll cope but I'm here for you," he lightly touched a bruise from this latest hunt that Sam had on his cheek with a finger to see a slight change in big hazel eyes. "This thing that just happened, what we both feel, you okay with it?"
"If you are then yeah," that was Sam's biggest worry; that once the high was gone and Dean had time to think of what they just did that his older brother would start to overthink it, to feel guilty or blame Sam. "I meant when I said that I've wanted this, Dean. Not just because it drove the hallucinations back but…because I…"
Sam caught himself before he actually said words he knew would freak his brother out and ruin this rare moment of peace between them.
However as Sam knew well he should always be prepared for the curveballs Dean could toss his way. "I know you do, Sam," Dean's voice was steady but deep and husky as he added his next comment in a low whisper against Sam's hair. "Love you too, baby boy."
The tone and nickname made Sam smile as he shifted closer to Dean, his arm moving to lay over his brother's stomach as sleep began to come again now that he realized that he was safe and maybe had a chance to have what he'd always told himself would never happen.
"Dean?" he asked sleepily after several minutes of silence in the room, only Dean's heartbeat in his ear.
"Yeah, Sammy?" Dean didn't sound sleepy but he also didn't sound unhappy about laying there while Sam slept.
"We can…do this again?" Sam recalled hearing Dean say they would but he wasn't to make sure before he allowed himself to dream of the future, feeling teasing fingers strolling up his side before settling on his hip with calloused tips just close enough to where his pelvic bone joined his body that Sam shivered as his cock began to take notice. "When we're awake more?"
Dean carefully kept Sam's moving fingers up on his stomach before they traveled lower to realize just how awake he really was while pressing a kiss against his hair. "Yeah, we can and yeah, we will," he replied easily, seeing the small smile play on Sam's lips as he settled back down to sleep the reminder of the exhaustion off. "I need you to promise me that you won't try to kill yourself again, Sam. Talk to me, fight with me…anything except that, okay?"
"I just didn't know what else to do this time," Sam hated to hear that buried fear in Dean's voice, the worry about him. "He was too strong and I thought you'd…"
"Love you," Dean cut him off with a silent sigh as his number one rule got thrown out for now. "I meant when I said you're mine, little brother. I'll always protect what's mine…if I know what I'm protecting you against so talk to me next time it gets bad. Not that I plan on letting you get this bad since I figure if you're too exhausted from sex every night then you won't have bad dreams."
Sam smiled and was soon sleeping much like he would when they were both young enough to share a bed and Sam would always need his big brother to chase the monsters away.
Dean laid still until he was certain Sam was asleep and only then did he allow his gaze to move across the room to the gun that had almost claimed his brother's life and would have if he hadn't woken up when he did.
Still uncertain at what woke him up or why he'd had the urge to check on Sam, Dean was glad he had and he was also glad he could still have what was curled in his arms with dark hair falling into tired eyes.
"It's just you and me, little brother and Roman will never take that away from me," he murmured, finally closing his eyes for a short rest since Dean knew Sam wouldn't be awake again fully until it was night and then they'd decide on staying another night because he knew it would take more than one night of mindblowing sex to fully wipe all the fear and doubts away for Sam and that was fine with Dean.
Letting his hand find and mesh with the one Sam had resting over his stomach, Dean took a final look to be sure his brother was sleeping peacefully before letting sleep come and wondering when it would be a correct time to ask his brother just how vanilla his sex-life was and what he'd be willing to try after a couple months of getting more at ease with one another like this.
He suspected Sam except for when he was soulless probably had a basic idea of sex but he'd picked up that his brother also had no real clue what else could be done to make him enjoy it and if sex and Dean's touch was what it took to keep Lucifer's hallucinations locked down then that was something the older man was only too willing to try.
Sam whispered in his sleep, his arm tightening as if trying to keep his brother with him and only relaxing with a touch of Dean's hand on his neck.
"I'm not leaving you, Sammy," he promised him, firm on this. "Dick Roman can go straight back to Hell or Purgatory but I am not leaving you."
The End
A/N:II: Thanks for reading and I hope you all enjoyed it. Look for more to come soon and look for me on Facebook under morganaDW.