They clasped hands tightly, fingers interlocking as they strolled through Central Park. It was a gorgeous summer day with the sun beaming high in the sky and a gentle breeze caressing all of God's creatures across the crisp green lawn.
Larry and Polly, or Lolly, gazed at each other with true love in their eyes.
"I never knew it could be like this," Larry gushed, grinning from ear to ear. "I don't think Piper ever really got me. But you, you get me Polly."
Polly quietly grinned back, suppressing the urge to stab him in the eye with a tree branch.
"I've never felt so alive. I realize now that every decision I've ever made in my life has been leading up to this—"
Suddenly the grip slipped on Larry's Vibram FiveFinger shoes, and he went flying. Tumbling down the hill of the doggie park, rolling through layers and layers of dog feces as he fell. It was a steep hill.
It seemed like Larry would never stop falling until finally, he landed in a huge pile of birdseed at the bottom of the hill, which a group of elderly had thrown there for the pigeons. Disoriented, he struggled and fidgeted on the ground, covering himself in a sickly paste of birdseed and dog dung.
He let out a moan from the agonizing pain, which attracted a flock of fat, angry New York pigeons to descend on him and start pecking the birdseed from his body. Bleeding everywhere, Larry let out a bloodcurdling scream, startling a nearby performance artist who had just lit his torch on fire.
The performer, who heard the high pitched wail and assumed it to be a little girl in distress, turned abruptly from his show and accidentally blew fire in the wrong direction – Larry's direction. Suddenly Larry's face and body were ablaze. The birdseed and dung made him burn even faster, not to mention the thick, kindling-like hair all over his body and the traces of gasoline in his cargo shorts, which he'd never bothered to wash after his last road trip.
The crowd of passersby, small children and doggies were frozen in horror watching him burn alive. The smell was intolerable. Then finally, a group of policemen on horseback peeled through the crowd. The sound of a whistle cut the air and immediately, their horses galloped over to stamp out the flames with their hooves.
When the dust cleared, Larry was no more. The crowd dispersed. Polly simply shrugged and walked away.
For years to come, experts would ruminate over exactly what went wrong that day. After all, Vibram was a high quality shoe brand known for its steady grip. An in-depth investigation would eventually lead to the development of the "Larry Bloom theory" – that too much douchiness concentrated in any one spot can literally shift the gravitational pull of the planet.
Out of the blue, Piper received a check at mail call claiming to be part of an insurance payout. She didn't ask questions.