All credit for the concept of THED must go to the wonderful and amazing folk on The Kiss Thread... this was not me at all but I couldn't resist putting it in because it made me laugh so much! I can't remember who specifically came up with it but if someone lets me know, I shall credit you! Once again, this story is dedicated to you guys, with many banners, hair brushes, plates, joggers and avalanches. I'm going to say it... I love you guys.
Saying Goodbye
You're disgusting. You can stay down there in the dirt for all I care. That's where you belong.
Charlie replayed the scene over and over in her head. She couldn't believe those words had come out of the mouth of her beloved Joey. But then, she'd deserved them. Joey was right. After all they'd been through, how could Charlie have thrown it all away just like that? Sitting on the beach in the dark, Charlie didn't bother to fight the tears that cascaded down her cheeks. She swallowed the last dregs of her third beer and tossed the empty bottle beside her before quickly reaching for a fourth. She stared blankly out at the sea which was now almost black. The moon was dim and seemed so far away.
"Everyone's looking for you," said a voice.
"No-one's looking for me," Charlie replied blankly, not looking up.
Hugo awkwardly sat beside her. Charlie didn't look at him but out of the corner of her eye she saw him clasp his hands over his knees. She flashed back to his hands on her body. She shuddered internally. It had been awful, empty. If she could take it back she would do in a heartbeat.
"Get away from me," she said flatly.
"Ruby's worried," Hugo told her, not moving.
"I said go away," Charlie snapped.
"Look, I know you're upset," Hugo began.
"I don't think 'upset' covers it," she said, raising her pitch and finally turning to look at him.
"Charlie..."
"You've cost me everything!"
"Hey, it takes two to tango," he replied casually.
"And it takes one to walk up to the person who just got cheated on and announce it to them before their disgusting, horrible girlfriend got the chance to explain!" Charlie yelled.
She got to her feet, beer in hand and stormed away, leaving Hugo with her litter.
The following morning, Charlie woke up with a hangover and called in sick to work. Having left Hugo on the beach, she'd hit the Surf Club, drunk herself into oblivion and thrown up in the toilets. Joey had walked in just as Leah had arrived to escort her home. Charlie vaguely recalled falling over in an attempt to stumble across to beg her estranged ex for forgiveness. Joey had looked at her like she was filth and walked away. Between entering a relationship with a woman, cheating on her with Hugo, publically begging forgiveness on her knees and now getting drunk and disorderly, Charlie really did feel sick. Her absence from work felt pretty valid. Padding into the living room, her head felt like a truck was parked on it and the sunlight peeking through the windows hurt her eyes. She sank down at the kitchen table with her head in her hands. Before she'd even spoken, Leah set a cup of strong coffee and two aspirin in front of her.
"Thanks," Charlie mumbled gratefully.
"I guess I don't need to ask how you are," Leah said, sitting down opposite her.
Charlie shook her head and then winced because it hurt.
"Um... Joey called."
Charlie snapped her head up hopefully, ignoring the searing pain.
"I'm sorry, Charlie. She asked me to tell you to stop calling her."
Charlie put her head back in her hands and fought tears. She suddenly remembered putting Joey's number on speed dial as soon as she got home last night. Joey had never picked up.
"Maybe you just need to give her some space," Leah said gently.
"If I give her space she'll go on hating me forever," Charlie replied.
"Or she'll calm down, start to heal and then the two of you can talk properly."
"I can't risk it," Charlie said, shaking her head gently.
Joey had finished work for the morning and was looking forward to her lunch break. She was planning on seeking the solitude of her favourite beach location to eat the sandwiches she had packed. People were still looking at and talking about her and Charlie, or now – her, Charlie and Hugo, or THED (The Happy Ending Destroyer) as Joey had come to refer to him. Last week, she had been so happy, enjoying hugs and kisses, sex and snuggles with the woman of her dreams. She'd got caught up with dreams about houses and holidays and living happily ever after and now it was all ruined. Charlie had been unfaithful. She'd slept with THED and broken Joey's heart. Again.
"Hey, Joey?" Shane called over as she stepped off the boat.
She looked up.
"I heard you asking around about other jobs out of the area," he said, approaching her.
"Oh yeah, I was. Why? Do you know of any?" she asked hopefully.
She'd already passed up one opportunity to leave town because Charlie had snapped her fingers and finally decided that she wanted to be with her. Now that Charlie had once again trampled all over her heart, she had nothing to stay for. And with the way Charlie had behaved since they'd broken up, she really had no inclination to stick around. Gone was the woman who couldn't express herself. Now, every time Joey saw her, Charlie's emotions spilled out uncontrollably. When Joey had first found out, there had been tears on both sides. Then Joey had got angry. Charlie had cried harder. Then yesterday, there had been a very public dispute which had ended with Joey attempting to walk away while Charlie sank onto her knees in floods of tears, hanging onto Joey's waist and begging forgiveness. Joey had snapped a few choice words, broken free and left. Then last night, Joey had briefly seen a very intoxicated Charlie being escorted home by Leah and then proceeded to receive constant phone calls which lead her to have to turn her phone off.
"There's a new crew starting up down the coast. They're leaving in a couple of days. I could put in a good word for you if you like," Shane offered.
She'd only been in his employment for a couple of weeks but he was a nice man and a good boss and this working experience was far, far better than her last one. Although, to be fair, being whirled around in a cement mixer would be far better than her last one. She nodded enthusiastically.
"Thanks, Shane. I'd be really grateful. It's not that I don't like working here. It's just..."
"I know. I heard..." Shane said awkwardly.
She nodded. Neither of them needed to discuss it further. Everybody had heard.
Feeling a little better, Joey wandered along to her favourite part of the beach and sat down on the soft sand. She gazed out of the water, thinking about how in two days she might be out on it, sailing towards her new life. A life without Charlie. She felt a lump form in her throat. She couldn't believe that she had to live without Charlie. How had all of this happened? Why couldn't Charlie have just talked to her about her fears about labels and identity? Why couldn't she have just communicated the way a couple was meant to instead of hopping into bed with the first person who had a penis? At least, that was the gist of why she had done the dirty. Joey couldn't help but fear that it was because she hadn't been happy with her. Maybe Charlie had realised Joey wasn't what she wanted after all. Maybe she hadn't satisfied her. Maybe... maybe it was a tonne of things. Joey didn't even know if she wanted to find out. And hopefully, she wouldn't even have time to find out. All she needed to do was successfully avoid Charlie for the next couple of days and then it would all be over for good.
"I thought I'd find you here."
Joey sighed. She'd recognise Charlie's voice anywhere, even if it was groggy with an obvious hangover. She turned and glared up at her. Charlie tried to smile.
"For such an astute woman, you don't pick up on social signals very well," Joey replied.
She considered walking away but she didn't want some cheat to ruin her lunch and chase her away from her favourite spot in Summer Bay, especially as she would probably never see it again. She was aware that she'd have to come back for the trial but that wasn't something she was prepared to think about just yet. Life was hard enough as it was just now without throwing Robbo into the mix.
"Please, let me explain, Joey," Charlie begged.
She sat down beside her.
"What part do you want to explain exactly? How you had sex with someone else? How you continued having sex with me for five days before I found out? Or how you let your little boyfriend tell me by way of public humiliation? Which part exactly do you want to explain first?"
"I'm a terrible person, Joey."
"Yes, you are, Charlie. Right now, I don't even know what I ever saw in you," Joey lied.
Unfortunately, as betrayed and wounded as she felt, looking at her, all Joey could see was everything she loved about her. She could clearly and painfully remember all the love they had shared, all the fun and the laughter, all the protection and care that Charlie had provided. And it was killing her. The sooner she got away, the better.
"I just freaked out about it all for a moment. I couldn't handle it."
"A moment? Charlie, you might freak out and kiss someone for a moment. But you had sex with him. That takes time. It takes thought. It doesn't just happen. People only say that when they're trying to shirk their responsibilities," Joey said firmly.
Charlie looked down at the sand. At least Joey was talking to her. Normally she just shouted and ran off. She nodded, accepting what her girlfriend... her ex-girlfriend said.
"I was..."
"If you dare say you were thinking of me the whole time, I will not be responsible for my actions," Joey said bitterly.
It wasn't exactly what Charlie had been going to say but it was similar so she stopped talking. She swallowed and looked out to the horizon. Silence descended on them.
"So, was he good?" Joey asked coldly.
Charlie sat up straighter. The question had taken her by surprise.
"Sorry?" she asked, looking at Joey, who still hadn't glanced in her direction.
"Was he good?" Joey repeated.
"Terrible," Charlie replied flatly.
"What a waste of effort."
"It was soulless," Charlie repeated. "I hated it. I don't know why I did it. I wish I hadn't. I've never wished to turn the clock back so badly in my life."
"Why did you do it?"
Joey looked at Charlie for the first time. Charlie swallowed and chewed her lip.
"I don't know."
"What was it? You had a little go in Girls Town and thought ah, there's just something missing. I'll go back to the boys now I've had a cheap thrill?"
Joey spat her words out and tried not to cry. The images in her head were horrific.
"No!" Charlie insisted.
"Maybe you thought, oh, Joey's cute and all but she's just not hitting the spot. I'll give old Hugo a whirl, see what he can do!"
"No, Joey!"
"Then why? After everything we've been through? Why?"
"I was lost," Charlie admitted.
"I would have found you. I would have done anything to find you."
Charlie wrung her hands. She knew it was true. The woman sat beside her genuinely would have done anything for her once upon a time. But she had thrown it away because of stupid rumours, judgements and idle gossip. She had broken their hearts for nothing.
"But now it's too late," Joey said.
She stood.
"Please let me make this up to you," Charlie begged.
"There's nothing you can do, Charlie," Joey said. "I have to get back to work.
Charlie watched her walk away.
Ruby sat at the kitchen table, frustrated. Charlie had left a couple of minutes before. She was already drunk and heading out to the Surf Club for more booze. She'd been on a reckless path of destruction for days and she wasn't letting anyone intervene. It was strange that considering how upset Ruby had been about Charlie and Joey getting together, now she was even more devastated that they were apart. She was tempted to call Joey up herself and beg her to take Charlie back. Something needed to happen to stop Charlie wrecking her life further.
It was one o'clock in the morning and Charlie was sufficiently inebriated that walking along the seafront road was somewhat a challenge. She kept swaying and getting distracted by the stars above her. Suddenly, she slipped and stumbled. She saw lights flash in front of her. She tried to scream but no sound came out. She waited an excruicatly long time to hit the floor. Someone tackled her. She shrieked. She landed in a heap with the other person a little further along the road. The next thing she knew, it was morning and she woke up alone in bed.
Joey was a little achy and had a few cuts and bruises the next day when she got to work. She'd been out with colleagues and noticed Charlie drinking alone. Remaining hidden, she'd observed her becoming more and more worse for wear as the evening wore on and, worried, decided to follow her home to make sure she was okay. She'd watched Charlie slip and fall off the curb and into the way of a car. Without thinking, Joey had grabbed her and pushed her to safety. Then she'd taken Charlie, who had barely registered any of it, home and tucked her into bed. Then she'd left, crawled into her own bed and cried herself to sleep.
"Hey, Joey, you're good to go tomorrow," Shane said, by way of greeting.
Joey beamed.
"Great! Thank you!" she said.
He handed her a sheet of paper with all the details and told her to go and see Mr J Beam at lunch time to sort out a contract.
Charlie was grateful for her day off work. She needed time to recover. She'd been experiencing flashbacks all day. She recalled nearly being run over, which wasn't good. But she also recalled Joey saving her and tucking her into bed, which could surely only be a good thing. It meant that she still cared. She resolved to go and visit her after she knew Joey would have finished her working day. She desperately clung onto the hope that Joey saving her life meant something. At seven o'clock she headed straight towards Joey's house, only to find her already walking away from it.
"Joey!" she called brightly.
Joey looked distraught at seeing her. She had her hands shoved deep in her pockets and she bowed her head, as if she could pretend she hadn't seen or heard her. She had a bag on her back and Charlie thought for one awful moment that she was skipping town. She jogged up to her.
"Joey!" she called again.
"Charlie, when someone ignores you, it generally means they don't want to hang out," Joey said, as Charlie fell into step beside her.
"I just wanted to thank you for last night," Charlie said weakly.
"No problem."
She kept on walking.
"I was hoping..."
"What?"
"Maybe that... Well, you saved me. Maybe that means you still love me?" Charlie said, hope evident in her voice.
"I'd save a rabbit if it was about to smashed by a car. It doesn't mean I love it."
"But it does mean you care."
"Of course I care, Charlie!" Joey snapped, stopping walking. "Me not giving a shit about you is not the problem here, if you remember!"
Charlie looked taken aback.
"Now would you please leave me in peace for my last night?"
Joey started walking again and Charlie stared after her, the words trying to unscramble themselves in her brain.
"What do you mean 'your last night'?"
Joey could have kicked herself. She hadn't meant to tell Charlie she was leaving. She'd wanted to just slip away silently in the morning without any drama. She heard Charlie's rapid footsteps catching up to her and felt her tug on her arm to turn her around. Joey stopped and pulled away from her quickly.
"What do you mean?" Charlie asked again.
"I'm leaving in the morning," Joey said.
"How long for?" Charlie asked, the familiar lump aching in her throat.
It felt like all she did these days was cry.
"Forever, I hope."
The words stung and Charlie's tears were soon in free flow. She tried to wipe them away.
"Please don't leave me," she begged.
"Please don't cheat on me," Joey said sadly.
She turned and started walking away. Charlie followed.
"I can't bear to leave it like this," Charlie cried.
Joey kept on walking.
Joey reached Alf's boat, which she had managed to hire for the night on the promise that she would take good care and have it returned safe and sound by sun up. Charlie had continued to follow and it didn't look like Joey would be getting rid of her any time soon. She wasn't even sure she wanted to. She was wounded and hurt and kept telling herself that she hated her but really, she loved her so much that she thought her heart was going to explode. Leaving Charlie behind was going to be the hardest thing she'd ever had to do, and she had a pretty hefty list of difficulties so far. She climbed on board. Charlie hovered uncertainly at the edge of the pier. Joey looked at her face, her hair, her body and into her beautiful, sorrowful eyes. She sighed.
"Are you coming or what?" she finally asked.
Charlie sat quietly, watching Joey take them out to sea. She expertly handled the wheel, looking confident but not quite as happy as the last time they'd been out here. Last time, they'd been laughing and joking and Joey had shown her how to do everything. That had been the beginning really. It had been the day they almost kissed. So much had happened since then – good stuff and bad stuff. And bad had won out over good. Finally satisfied with how far out they were, Joey let them stay and allowed herself to relax. She opened her bag where she'd packed herself a bottle of wine and some dinner.
"I didn't really bring enough for two," she apologised. "I wasn't expecting company."
Charlie shrugged. That was hardly the important thing. She followed Joey out on deck and they sat themselves down. Joey started to divide the food up. Charlie began to protest, not wanting to steal Joey's dinner but Joey, ever polite, insisted.
"So, why did you insist on coming out here with me?" Joey asked.
"I just wanted to be with you," Charlie replied.
"You were with me," Joey pointed out. "Until you had sex with THED."
Charlie looked puzzled. Joey blushed and laughed.
"The Happy Ending Destroyer," Joey admitted shyly.
Charlie tried not to giggle. It wasn't funny. Not really.
"Joey, I know that you're never, ever going to forgive me. And you shouldn't. I don't deserve to even ask for that. But I need you to know that I do love you. I might not have behaved like it but you mean more to me than anything else in the world. It's not even a case of not knowing what I had until I lost it because I did know what I had. I'm just that much of an idiot that I threw it away anyway. And I'll live with that guilt and sense of loss forever."
Joey gazed into Charlie's face and Charlie felt like she was listening to her properly for the first time since all this had happened.
"I always thought I was a pretty confident, brave person but I'm not," Charlie continued. "And I can't believe I've been waiting my whole life for 'the one' and now I've lost her just because I was too gutless to stand up and keep her. Because you are 'the one', Joey. You're the person I was always meant to be with, to share my life with. I've never known anybody who gets me the way you do. You're not the only one who will never forgive me for what I did. I'll never forgive myself either."
Joey continued to gaze at her. Charlie was saying all the right things. The ice was melting a little despite how much she fought against it.
"Even if I did forgive you," she ventured. "I'm still leaving the Bay tomorrow."
Charlie looked down at her plate.
"I know," she replied.
"I can't stay here. All that's happened to me here has been suffering. Even the good things haven't been real."
Charlie looked up sharply.
"They were real!" she said. "Please, please don't say they weren't real."
"But if they were, why did you destroy them?" Joey asked.
"I wish I could answer that," Charlie sighed. "All I know is that I'm sorry."
She sighed heavily and started to sob. Loud, wracking sobs escaped her and the more she fought them, the harder they came. Despite herself, Joey reached out a hand. Charlie looked up into her face craving comfort. Joey sighed. She couldn't deny her somehow, no matter what she'd done.
"Please don't hate me forever," Charlie whispered, as Joey squeezed her hand.
"I don't hate you. I don't know what I feel about you right now."
"Except that you want to get as far away from me as you possibly can!"
Charlie tried to laugh but it caught in her throat.
"I just need some space, Charlie," Joey said. "I feel like I can't breathe while I'm living here."
"I wish you weren't going," Charlie said, before she could stop herself.
Joey didn't reply.
"Don't say it like it's my fault, Charlie," she warned.
"I'm sorry."
Joey let go of her hand and Charlie wiped her eyes.
The evening drew on and the night got darker. Charlie and Joey sat in a strange sense of calm, sometimes exchanging words, sometimes not. They were bordering on peaceful.
"What time do you need to get the boat back?" Charlie asked.
"Not until first light," Joey replied. "I thought I'd sleep out here. But I'll drop you back when you're ready."
"I'm not in a hurry. Whenever you want to go to sleep, I guess," Charlie said with a shrug.
The longer she could stay in Joey's company the better. She couldn't bear to think of this being the last time. Joey nodded.
"Maybe about an hour or so?" she suggested.
Charlie smiled and they fell into silence again, looking out into the water and listening to the waves.
"Charlie, am I really 'the one'?" Joey asked suddenly.
Charlie turned to look at her, surprised. Joey was watching her intently, as if she were studying for some sign of dishonesty or hesitation.
"Yes. You are," Charlie replied simply.
"Then... I just keep coming back to the question... why?"
Charlie looked down.
"And I keep chasing my tail trying to come up with an answer," Charlie replied, feeling another bout of shaming rising up within in.
"I mean, I would have given you everything. I... if it was a penis you needed I would have bought a damn dildo!" Joey said, unable to prevent a giggle.
Charlie looked up and laughed too, shaking her head.
"Everything about you is so perfect, Joey. It was about me being a mess and not being able to handle people's reactions to us," she said more seriously.
"I just wish you'd talked to me."
"So do I. Maybe I just realised that I was never good enough for you in the first place," Charlie said with a shrug.
Joey's eye went wide with surprise. All this time she'd never felt good enough for Charlie and yet here Charlie was, thinking she wasn't good enough for her. It was absurd. She heard Charlie sigh.
"I just wish I had the chance to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I know it's right that I can't. I shouldn't be able to but if I could, I'd spend the next forever proving to you exactly how much I love you and exactly how sorry I am," Charlie told her. "I'd learn to be the person that I know I can be when I'm around you."
"I'm coming back for the trial," Joey said evenly.
Charlie looked longingly into her eyes, waiting for her to continue.
"It's in three months. Maybe we could... we could meet then and see..."
"See what?" Charlie asked, a little too eagerly.
Her heart was suddenly beating very quickly in her chest.
"I'm not saying there could be another chance for us, Charlie," Joey said.
Charlie's face fell.
"But there might be," she added.
Her hope was reignited.
"Maybe... maybe in three months when we've both had time and space away from each other to think, maybe we could try and see if there's a way to work things out. We could see if we've healed enough to try again somehow," Joey suggested.
Charlie's smile was uncontrollably wide. All she wanted to do was gather Joey into her arms but she was afraid to. She didn't want to ruin the moment.
"Are you serious?" she asked carefully.
Joey nodded.
"It might not work. I might come back and find that nothing's changed. But maybe it will have. I'm open to finding out if you are."
"I am, Joey. I am. I desperately want things to have changed. I'll do anything, anything to make them change. And I'd like to be there for you during the trial."
"I'd like that too. Beyond anything else, Charlie, you're the one who got me past all that... stuff."
They smiled sadly at each other.
"And Joey, I'll... I'll wait for you. I'll be faithful to you the whole time you're away," Charlie assured her. "I'll wait."
Joey snorted and looked away.
"You couldn't even be faithful to me while we were together, let alone while I'm away," she said.
When she looked back she saw the pain and rejection on Charlie's face and instantly felt terrible. She apologised. Charlie shook her head.
"I deserved that."
Joey reached forward and stroked Charlie's face. There was still that emotional charge between them during physical interaction. There probably always would be.
"No, that wasn't fair. I'm sorry," Joey said, leaning in closer.
Before she could stop herself, Charlie had captured Joey's lips in a kiss. Joey felt a rush of excitement flood her soul as Charlie's mouth pressed against hers, so familiar and yet still so exciting. Charlie's tongue sought entry quickly and she accepted and felt safe when she felt arms slip around her body. Then she remembered and she pulled away.
"Charlie, don't," she whispered, looking down.
"I'm sorry," Charlie managed. "I just..."
Joey swallowed hard.
"I'd better get you back to shore."
"Thanks for helping with the bed," Joey said awkwardly, as she helped Charlie step off the boat.
They'd pulled up and Joey had secured the boat so that she could settle down for the night. Charlie had offered to help her turn the seats into a bed but they both knew she was stalling for more time with her. Joey hadn't minded. She didn't really want to say goodbye either. Charlie nodded and smiled, playing with her bag and allowing her gaze to flit from the boat, to the water, to Joey.
"Well, I guess this is goodbye then," Charlie said awkwardly, fighting the urge to cry.
"I guess it is," said Joey, her voice catching.
The one person she had never wanted to say goodbye to was Charlie. And now the whole reason she was leaving Summer Bay was because of her. They hugged awkwardly and then held on. Drawing away, Charlie looked into Joey's face. Both women's eyes were wet with involuntary tears.
"Please... please can I kiss you goodbye?" Charlie asked, not caring that she was begging.
Joey filled the space between them, pressing her lips tenderly against Charlie's and holding them there, their arms still wrapped tightly around each other. The tears on their cheeks mingled as their tongues danced. Neither wanted the kiss to end. It meant they were going to end, at least for three months, maybe forever. Neither could bear it. But, struggling for breath, it was necessary. Pulling back slowly, Joey looked into Charlie's eyes. She desperately wanted to say something, anything to comfort her but she had no words. Charlie stroked her face, hung her head, turned and began to walk away.
"Charlie!" Joey called out, when Charlie was some distance gone.
Charlie spun on her heels, looking back hopefully, anticipating anything Joey might have to offer. She hurried back and took Joey's outstretched hand.
"This is just to say goodbye," Joey said, leading her back onto the boat, towards the bed.
Hours later, lying in each others arms beneath the open sky, Charlie felt bittersweet. It had been incredible to be back making love to Joey but heartbreaking to know it could be for the last time and that it was certainly the last time for the foreseeable future. She'd been shy of being on the receiving end of anything, feeling she didn't deserve it but Joey had insisted, saying that it wasn't the time for guilt and that she wanted to be able to memorise everything about Charlie's beautiful body. It had made Charlie feel loved. It had made her feel beautiful. Nobody had ever made her feel quite like Joey did. Nobody ever would. Joey probably still didn't believe her but Charlie was determined to remain faithful while she was away. There was no way she was going to risk messing up and losing her all over again. If there was any way of reconciling what they had then she was going to do it. She wasn't going to let anything get in the way. She smiled as Joey snuggled deeper into her embrace.
"Do you mind me hanging around?" Charlie asked awkwardly.
She didn't want to outstay her welcome if Joey wanted some peace before she left.
Joey looked up at her tenderly.
"I love you being here," Joey replied.