Disclaimer: I do not own Labyrinth, or any and all related characters.
(Author's note: Just a random thing I had laying around in my documents that I added on to every now and then as a boredom-reliever. Finally decided to put it up here.)
Due in part to the recent influx of human items and culture, there has been a disturbing increase of irrationality, mayhem, and general disorderliness amongst the subjects of His Majesty, King Jareth's kingdom. In response, His Majesty, in his unequalled wisdom, has selected twelve of his wisest err, most intelligent… hmm…. well, the least simple-minded of his subjects to form his personal council, to aid him in upholding the laws of the kingdom. Shortly thereafter, upon realizing that there, in fact, were no laws, the council chose myself from amongst their number, charging me with the task of observing the behavior and activities of the subjects of the kingdom, and to write up a series of appropriate laws based upon my observations. And so, after many months of arduous trekking, inquiries, observations, and far more home-made headache tonics than should really be healthy, I have succeeded in bringing to you, the people, beings, creatures, things, etc. of the Goblin Kingdom, the first edition of…
The Rules, Regulations and Guidelines of the Goblin Kingdom
1 - You may not ask the two doormen how big their, ahem, "doorknobs" are, or any and all other variations of the question. It isn't fair for the truthful one.
2 - It is a fatally bad idea to tell King Jareth he takes himself too seriously.
3 - Ludo is not a therapist. He does not need to know about, nor can he help you with, your many personality problems.
3.2 - This goes double for Sir Didymus.
3.3 - And Hoggle will just make fun of you anyways.
3.4 – King Jareth is out as well. For reasons that should be obvious.
4 - You may not sell King Jareth's hallucinogenic peaches at raves.
4.2 – Or anywhere else.
4.3 - Handing them out for free won't make it any more acceptable.
5 – On a related note, you are not allowed to invite the Fire Gang to a rave, or any other kind of social gathering. There is no possible way it will end well.
5.2 – Anyone who "forgets" this rule will be locked in a room with them for a minimum of 24 hours. I'm sure this won't be a problem for you, since you seem to like them enough to invite them to parties.
6 - No, the Helping Hands will not give you, or anyone else, a "hand-job", so don't even ask.
6.2 - They don't do "fisting", either.
6.3 – Actually, just keep away from them altogether. You shouldn't even be around them unless you are being exceptionally stupid while patrolling the Labyrinth.
6.4 – Amended: That was not a challenge. The next being we see anywhere near them gets triple boon farmer duty at the menagerie pits. We are told that the war-trogs are able to eat- and excrete- four times their weight in a single day.
7 – King Jareth is not allowed to watch Sweeny Todd, Repo! The Genetic Opera, V for Vendetta, or other such moving pictures (the full list being available for reference purposes only at the town square). It will give him very bad ideas, and we will all end up suffering for it.
7.2 – While you are the king, and you technically have the power to overrule this law, I am being backed up on this matter by the Goblin Council, the Menial Laborer's Guild, the Goblin City Cleanup and Maintenance Crew, the Committee for Public Safety, and the Association of Goblins Who Want to Live to See Tomorrow and it's branch: the Lesser Association of Goblins Who Have More Than Enough Reasons to Fear King Jareth Without Adding Moving Picture Re-Enactments to the List. When we say "no moving pictures", we mean it.
7.3 – The fact that half of the associations on the list were formed less than an hour prior to the official implementation of this law has no bearing on the matter.
8 - You are not to get the goblin army to re-enact any battles.
8.2 - Even if you offer to pay them.
8.3 - Yes, this does apply to you, King Jareth. (see sub-law 7.2)
8.4 - Amended: certain parts of the goblin-troll war are permissible for the Kingdom Day celebrations, but only if safety precautions are in place.
9 - Ludo is not a horse; therefore, you may not try to ride him.
9.2 - Likewise, do not try to ride Ambrosius, even if Sir Didymus says you can. He is not an expert on the weight limit of an Old English Sheepdog's spine.
10 - Do not sing Britney Spears songs just to see if you can make King Jareth's head explode.
10.2 - Amended: Do not sing Britney Spears songs. Period.
11 - Do not direct someone to the Fire Gang if they ask where to go for a good time.
11.2 - Or ever.
11.3 - Unless they are actively seeking them out and are fully aware of their… "eccentricities". As unlikely as that possibility is.
11.4 - Yes, you do have to ask them about that.
12 - If anyone is caught singing The Song that Gets on Everybody's Nerves in public, they will be sent to the Bog of Eternal Stench without trial.
12.2 - Amended to include The Song that Never Ends, The Hamster Dance, Dragostea Din Tei, anything by Britney Spears (see rule 10.2), anything by Aqua or Toybox, Niki Manaj (on pain of painful execution), the Miko Miko Nurse theme song (Don't. Ask.), Surfing Bird, Haut Ist Mein Tag, Yamboo's remix of Kalinka, Henry the 8th and any and all other annoying and/or repetitive songs. The full list is available at the town square for reference purposes only, and is updated twice weekly.
13 - Burping contests, farting contests, ralphing contests and/or any other such contests, are restricted to bars, taverns, and etc.
14 - DDR, Guitar Hero, Rock Band, and etc. are permitted, but only in recreational areas and personal dwellings, and not when you are on guard duty.
15 - Do not slap a baby, and use "because King Jareth told me to," as an excuse.
15.2 – Also, do not accuse King Jareth of child abuse, especially not while using the referenced song lyrics as "evidence".
16 – King Jareth is not gay. Unless you wish to be staring at the walls of an oubliette for the foreseeable future, you will not tell people that he's gay.
16.2 - Especially not Lady Sarah.
17 - Anyone caught in possession of a Bop-It toy will have it forcibly shoved up their rectum.
17.2 - This includes any and all spinoffs of said toy.
17.3 – If, on the off chance, you are "in to" that sort of thing, the enforcers have our permission and blessing to "be creative".
18 – Any and all references to "sparkly vampires" while in King Jareth's vicinity are grounds for immediate execution, which will be carried out by His Highness personally. We were unable to get him to budge on this matter; you are on your own.
18.2 – We no longer accept "it was a slip of the tongue", "I didn't mean him", or any other such excuses.
19 – IMPORTANT: King Jareth is no longer allowed within a 500-metre radius of any and all giant metal golems, including the gate guard. We can neither confirm nor deny that the Transformers moving pictures are in any way involved in the creation of this law.
19.2 – For the last bloody time, see sub-law 7.2.
20 – I don't care how that room in the castle got painted pastel pink and furnished as a nursery; the important thing is that it is neither funny nor impressive to poke fun at King Jareth over getting dumped, no matter what anyone says. Since this is a first offence, I will appeal to the King to lessen the original sentence to menial labor cleaning the public latrine pits, rather than the execution it was originally going to be, if the culprit or culprits reveal themselves to me within two days' time.
20.2 – Any subsequent offenders will be left to His Highness's mercy, or lack thereof.
21 – Following the incident at Grobly's Bar and Barbeque Hut, "poetry slams" are henceforth banned, as it has been proven that too many goblins take the term literally.
22 – The royal palace is not the perfect place to re-enact Dracula, Frankenstein, or any and all other horror moving pictures taking place in and/or around a castle.
23 – I have no idea what a "banana hammock" is, nor why King Jareth never wants to see any of his subjects wearing one again; nevertheless, the fact that they are banned under pain of execution should be enough for anyone.
23.2 – As are "G-strings".
24 – While we are on the subject, it is inadvisable to suggest to King Jareth that his punishments for breaking goblin laws are too harsh. Doing so will most likely result in the offending goblin being subjected to the "harsh punishments". This is not a constitutional monarchy, after all.
24.2 – Do not cite sub-law 7.2 to try to get out of punishment. It is meant exclusively to prevent King Jareth from injuring/traumatising/killing his subjects unnecessarily.
24.3 – Yes, stupidity, however temporary, does warrant punishment. If you couldn't take the time to think something through, then you have no right to complain when it all goes to pot.
25 – There is no "Extreme Labyrinth Naked Time Trial". I must respectfully ask the guards corps to stop hazing new recruits.
25.2 – There is no "fight club" either.
25.3 – Amended: I must redact my previous statement. As it turns out, there is, indeed, an official fight club run by the guards corps. However, in the future, I must ask that such organizations file for official recognition at the royal council offices to prevent such confusion in the future.
25.4 – Amended: The previous sub-note has been redacted. There is no fight club.
(Please review. Also, while suggestions on what to add would be appreciated, I cannot guarantee I will ever get the motivation to make a continuation.)