Leonard McCoy badly needed a drink. It had been a bad day to begin with and had now just turned into a hellish nightmare. He headed to his quarters and went immediately to his whiskey bottle. He downed one glass after another, feeling the fiery liquid burning his throat. He staggered, with a mixture of alcohol and sheer physical and mental exhaustion, to the shower. He stood numbly under the water for a long time before wrapping himself in a large towel and collapsing onto his bed. All he could think of was Spock and Nyota, the two of them and what had happened to them. They didn't deserve this, no one did. "Dear Lord" he whispered, "why, why did you do this?" No answer came as of course it wouldn't. McCoy sighed deeply, ran his hands over his face to wipe away a few tears and fell into a troubled sleep.
**********
Spock looked over at Nyota, still lying in a drug induced sleep on the medi- bed. Her face was drawn, the overwhelming strain she'd been through all too apparent. He looked back down at the tiny bundle in his arms, their daughter. He ran a finger along her cheek, feeling the softness of it. He half- smiled to himself. She was a beautiful child, with Nyota's skin tone and his ears and eyebrows. That had surprised him, as the child was only one quarter Vulcan, how strongly her facial features resembled his. He was sat in an unobtrusive corner of the room with just the three of them in it. The nurses respected their need for privacy at this moment and Dr McCoy had left. Spock did not blame him; the man had looked absolutely shattered and needed to rest. As for himself Spock could not rest, even if he had wanted to he could not. He had to be here, looking after both his wife and his daughter. They were the most precious things in the universe to him and he could not leave either of them. His daughter was wrapped in a standard issue Starfleet blue blanket but Spock thought oddly that it didn't suit her, blue was not her colour he decided. He would have looked for another but did not want to get up from his comfortable position. His daughter in his arms, this was where he wanted to be, he wished that this moment could last forever, this quiet, peaceful moment in between the storms on either side. The past few hours had been an overwhelming, shocking whirlwind of activity and emotions; as for the future, well, right now he did not want to think about that.
"Spock, I think the baby's coming"
"But it is far too soon, she is not due for another three months and two days".
"Oh yeah, try telling her that"
He could hear Nyota's panicked voice and her agonized groans that she'd tried to suppress replaying in his head. They had been on a straight forward away mission, a standard check- in with an Earth colony. Nyota had worked hard that day, but it was really not that different to any other working day. Why the labour had started so early was a mystery, one of those random events that can happen in pregnancy. They had got back to the Enterprise in good time and at first McCoy was successful in slowing down the labour; it seemed that the baby would not be making an early appearance after all. Within a few hours though the labour had started again and this time there was nothing that McCoy, for all his extensive medical knowledge and frantic actions could do to prevent it. Too early, she was too early. That's what Nyota kept mumbling and what Spock himself was thinking, he'd been concerned about them both, for once not caring about keeping up the appearance of being stoic and unemotional. He had got in the way, even though he hadn't meant to.
"Dammit Spock, I'm the doctor not you and if you don't get the hell out of the way I'll have security throw your ass outta my sickbay!"
He had moved to the side at that point and so could only watch the drama unfolding before him. For really the first time in his life he had felt utterly useless, there was nothing he could do to help. For all his superior intellect, experience and extensive knowledge, here he was helpless, totally dependant on the skills and expertise of the medical staff to save the lives of his wife and child.
And now, here they were, in the quiet of the ship's night shift. Spock's senses seemed to be even more acute than usual; he thought he could even feel the life force of the ship itself, the ceaseless energy that ran through it. In his mind's eye he could outline the schematics of the warp engines and the wiring that directed their energy to every part of the ship, to every major system. A small, rational part of him could tell that his thoughts were somewhat odd and disjointed, his supreme calm and logic had been affected and he was not quite himself. He kept looking at his daughter, his little girl in his arms and felt that he couldn't let her go; he didn't want to but knew that at some point, someone would come to take her away. She was a perfect tiny bundle and as he looked at her he felt her taking over his heart. Before he could never quite comprehend the depth of love that a parent could have for their child. Even though he knew his mother loved him, at times her human, maternal love had been an almost alien concept to him. Now though he knew, he loved his daughter, that fact was unquestionable, he would never deny it. He thought about her and about her future, he imagined her appearance as an older child, as a young woman, as an aged adult. What skills, what talents would she have inherited from himself and Nyota? With such a background the possibilities were great, a career in science or linguistics, possibly in Starfleet. Or perhaps a music career, both he and Nyota possessed great musical talents. Whatever option, whatever path, he knew that he would have experienced pride, a fierce, yet unexpressed pride and also love.
"You'll be a good father Spock, as you are a good husband, don't worry".
"Nyota, I am not worried. We have always wanted a child and now we will. This is a challenge I am looking forward to".
"A challenge??"
"You may laugh but it is my understanding that being a parent is indeed challenging, I do not however mean that in an unpleasant way. The rewards of parenthood are well known and I look forward to sharing them with you over the coming years".
"Have I told you lately how much I love you?"
"You mentioned your feelings to me only yesterday but I have no objection to hearing them repeated".
"I love you but sometimes mister you can be such a smartass".
**********
When Nyota had first informed him of her pregnancy he had been somewhat stunned at first, but had soon been very enthusiastic about it though he would not openly admit that to anyone else besides Nyota. The Captain and McCoy had been excited for them both and expressed all the emotion that Spock was unable to.
"Well Spock I'll have to admit to being a bit surprised, but then the two of you surprised the hell outta me when I saw you kissing on the transporter pad all those years ago".
"Indeed Captain, that was not the intention of our actions then, we were thinking…"
"Yeah, yeah Spock, I can guess what you were thinking, that's one mental image I don't need. Seriously though, this is fantastic, a baby on my ship. I'm happy for you, for both of you".
"Thank you Jim, your words are most kind"
McCoy had alternated between a stern medical concern and a teasing which had been insufferable for the first few weeks. It had taken a while before he stopped greeting Spock each day with the words "You old dog" and a huge grin.
"You're askin' my advice Spock??"
"You have experience with fatherhood Doctor, I wished to speak with you about this. There is only so much I can learn from the computer library on the subject, a personal perspective would be of great value".
"Well OK Spock, I'll tell you about me an' my Joanna- first piece of advice, always keep a towel handy cos you're gonna get your hands dirty, especially when it starts coming outta both ends at the same time"
"Are you being facetious Doctor?"
"No Spock, just truthful, years of experience talkin' here"
The whole crew soon found out, Nyota unable to contain her excitement and joy. Congratulations and gifts had poured in from all over the ship and Spock, even though he was usually a private man, had been very secretly pleased by the attention. Humans were very different compared to Vulcans. With Vulcans the details of pregnancy were not discussed. With Humans though every piece of advice, every 'old wives tale' was offered to them and the whole crew talked excitedly about the baby, speculating on her appearance, taking odds of whether or not she would have pointy ears and so on. Babies had been born on starships before, but she would be the first to be born on a Starfleet flagship to senior officers and would therefore be the ship's unofficial mascot.
"What'll ye be naming the bairn then Mr Spock?"
"Nyota and I have discussed several names but have not made a final decision as yet".
"Well, just make sure it's a pretty name, with a mother like Uhura, she'll be a bonny wee lass sure enough".
**********
So far only the medical staff and the Captain knew of the situation but Spock was aware that it wouldn't be long before the whole ship knew. Then there would be a complete change in the ship's morale which had been previously running so high. He looked at his daughter again and ran his large hand over her soft wispy hair, so beautiful, and so small and fragile. He felt an overwhelming ache and a sensation like a heavy immovable object had lodged itself in his chest. This small precious gift was his, his blood was in her veins and she was a part of him, perhaps the very best part of him. He loved her and knew that she would have loved him. He would not be a father like a human male would have been. He could not openly express love and affection, he could not laugh and cry with his child but she was the bright, shinning star in his universe and she would have known that she was loved. He could not cry, the walls in his head were weakened, but at the present moment he felt an odd sense of calm and a certain amount of disconnection to the wider universe. His focus was myopic in scope, only this room and the three of them existed, were all that truly mattered. He held her tightly, lovingly in his arms and was amazed that such a small thing could be so overwhelming, could hold so much power over people far older and bigger than herself. He did not want to let her go, he couldn't, he wanted this moment to last forever, this peace to not be broken.
**********
Nyota stirred, she awoke. For a few moments she was groggy and struggled to raise herself up. As she looked around and the mental fog cleared she could see Spock sitting on the floor in a darkened corner, a small bundle in his arms. The memory of the past few hours came back to her and the horror swept through her as she remembered. "No, no, no" kept repeating in her head. She got out of bed and staggered over to them. Spock's body was rigid, his face ashen and his eyes unfocused.
"Give her to me, give her to me Spock".
He shook his head mutely, his arms tightened
Nyota screamed "GIVE HER TO ME" and she beat her fists against him, against his arms, his shoulder, his face. He sat immovable, seemingly unaware of the blows she landed on him. She collapsed against him, digging her nails into his flesh, weeping as her heart broke. His arm seemed to move of its own accord as it wrapped around Nyota and held her tightly against his body. He could not cry, he was not at that moment capable of crying, but Nyota was and so she cried and screamed for both of them, letting out what Spock kept ruthlessly within him. From the next room the nurses could hear the muffled sounds and despite their professionalism they shed tears of grief as well.
A/N- This was a little idea that came to me as I was trying to write out the next chapters to my other stories- currently having some writer's block mixed with a few real life issues.
The title is a line from a poem called All Tears by Tabitha Potts which deals with the loss of a child and is very moving and the line felt appropriate for Spock and Uhura with regards to their emotions and reactions.
As always, please R&R, cheers :)