A/N: So, the idea for this fanfiction came to me while swinging on the swingset, and I turned it into this! I hope you guys like it, and it's my first fanfiction outside of the Powerpuff Girls category.

FULL SUMMARY

Carmelita, our favorite little spoiled brat, has to write a paper in school describing the house she'd like to live in when she grows up. If you don't want to read the words of a pampered little monster as she writes about cakesniffers, seven-story buildings, slaves, exotic pets, and many other horrendous things, don't even bother going on to this Series of Unfortunate Events one-shot. T for mention of gays.

Assignment: Write a paper describing the house you'd like to have when you are old enough to have a house.

Carmelita Spats, most wonderful girl in the whole wide world
May 1st, 2011

Okay so, when I grow up I want to have a house that's three stories –no five –no, better make it seven! Seven stories and they're all mine, you cakesniffer! This paper, written by me, Carmelita Spats, the most uncakesniffiest girl in the world, describes the fabulous house I will live in.

FIRST STORY

In the first story of my house, there'll be the front door. And it'll have unicorns and rainbows and when you ring the doorbell it sounds like fairies singing. After you press the doorbell, then a butler will open the door and he'll say, "May I take your coat, sir or madam?" and if you say yes, he'll take your coat, but if you say no then he won't take it because I would never hire a cakesniffing klepto! Once you get past the butler you get to the dining hall, but if nobody's dining in it then it's just the atrium, and that means it's a room that does anything. I know that word because I'm not some cakesniffing loser! Now, if people are eating and it's the dining hall, then you sit down in the "Sad Chair", and if you're sitting in the chair then you have to wear this hat. And it's a "Sad Hat" and you wear it because you're a sad cakesniffer! You wear the sad hat when you're sitting in the chair because you're sad you can't have any dinner.

When you're sitting in the sad chair and wearing your sad hat you have to just sit there and watch everybody eat, because cakesniffers aren't allowed to eat! But sometimes, if you're not a total cakesniffer, people say that you can come and sit at the dinner table and they say, "Here, you can come and sit with us! Have some food. It's delicious!" And then you can have some food. But before anyone gets to eat, cakesniffer or not, everybody has to stand up and give a speech about how amazing I am, and if they don't, they have to spend two to three months, depending on the mood I'm in, in the basement, where they don't get any meals and have to sleep among rats, bugs, and the dead bodies of the other people who didn't give me a speech.

SECOND STORY

In the second story of my house, there are construction materials and lots of gays, and they're slaves because I hate cakesniffing gays! And so the cakesniffing gay slaves have to work really hard and they have to build me a boat. They build me a big boat so that I can sail all over the world and take back any cakesniffers so I can lock them in my basement!

THIRD STORY

The third story of my house is the bedrooms. The biggest, bestest (and I can use words like "bestest" without being scolded about proper grammar because I'm not a cakesniffer) bedroom is mine. It has a humongous bed and it's so big that it's too big for even the fattest king to sleep on it. The bed has tons and tons of thick soft pink blankets that are made out of expensive high-quality materials that cakesniffers aren't allowed to use. It also has tons and tons of big fluffy assorted pillows, also made of expensive high-quality materials that cakesniffers aren't allowed to use. Around the room are heaps of toys and dolls and stuffed animals for me to play with, but no books because books are for cakesniffers!

There are also slightly smaller rooms for my family, who aren't cakesniffers, since they're related to me, but still kind of cakesniffy, and assigned bedrooms ranging in different sizes for guests with different amounts of cakesniffiness.

FOURTH STORY

This will be my playroom. It's only for me, and cakesniffing cakesniffers aren't allowed! All and any toys, dolls, electronics and other fun stuff that couldn't fit in my bedroom go here. The only people permitted to step inside this room are me and my friends, who aren't cakesniffers, and sometimes grownups. It's always untidy by the end of the day but my cakesniffing maids will clean up the mess while I sleep.

FIFTH STORY

The fifth story is the closet. It holds each and every one of my precious garments, prized attire, and valuable fashion. It's divided into five sections –underclothes, jackets, shirts, bottoms, and shoes and accessories –and then the clothes in the sections are categorized by color. There are absolutely, totally, completely, utterly, extremely, entirely, enormously, very, NO CAKESNIFFING CLOTHING HERE!

Some of my more fantastic outfits (even though they're all far less cakesniffing than yours) are listed here:

a tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian

a ball-playing cowboy superhero soldier pirate

a flute-playing wrestler artist magician chef

SIXTH STORY

In the sixth story of my house, there will be loads of tanks and cages to hold the hundreds of exotic pets I'm going to keep. There will be tigers, dolphins, incredibly deadly vipers, kittens, parrots, man-eating butterflies, wolves, foxes, platypuses, minks, bush babies, unicorns, very fuzzy ducklings, and the GEICO gecko. Only cakesniffers should pay lots of money for auto insurance.

SEVENTH STORY

The seventh and final story of my house, the top floor, is on the roof. It's a sunbathing area and a spa, because only cakesniffers should be pale and un-pampered!

In the sunbathing area, there are lots of mirrors and a big pool. The mirrors are so you can see how great you look in your swimsuit, but Mother says "it's to reflect and magnify the Sun's rays so you can get the ultimate tan." What kind of crazy, cakesniffing idea is that?

At the spa, there are professional masseuses and masseurs, as well as well-renowned beauticians. You can get a Super Deluxe Pamper Time Fabulous Body Massage And Makeover Package, known as a SDPTFBMAMP, but it's shortened to SDP, because what kind of crazy, cakesniffing idea is it, to have to spit out all those letters all the time?

This concludes this marvelous, fabulous, wonderful, great, amazing, awesome, remarkable, magnificent, superb, brilliant paper, written by Carmelita Spats, me, the prettiest, smartest, most darling girl in the whole wide world.

What a charming little girl! (By the way, who could find the hidden V.F.D. in this story?)

I DO NOT MEAN TO OFFEND ANYONE WHEN THE PAPER TALKED ABOUT HOW CARMELITA HATES GAYS.