Author's warning: This is a crack fic and nothing makes sense, and there's no plot whatsoever. Yes, it is not believable. Yes, everyone are OOC, and I am not going to explain why Zagato, Alcyone and Emeraude are here or why Emeraude stays in adult form all the time. Proceed at your own peril and flame me if you want!
Many thanks for the encouragement and help from Glory-Jean from Tumblr, Adiaskyfire and Ascella Star.
There was a big tea party in Cephiro, on top of the always abundant food supply in Cephiro, Umi baked loads of cakes and desserts, coupled with a never ending supply of sparking grape juice, lemonade and all sorts of sugary drinks for the underaged and wine for those old enough to drink. Everyone were either tipsy or on a sugar high.
Umi, under the influence of having too much fruit punch, piped up to the villains of the Rayearth cast.
"Hey villains, we would love to know what other bad deeds you did to merit you guys being called villains, besides trying to murder us! we want the truth, the truth and nothing but the truth! We want to know who is most evil!"
" Of course I have!" Ascot grabbed the chance to impress his crush eagerly.
"I have a confession to make." Said Ascot, everyone held their breaths, " I always do the contrary when I see a "Keep off the Grass" sign!"
"Fuu, you are blinding us!" Hikaru and Umi winced as Fuu adjusted her glasses, which reflected the bright sunshine in the form of a scary glint.
"Then I enjoy ringing peoples' doorbells and then run off"
"When I see a flock of birds, I jump on them to scare them!"
Splash! Ascot found himself drenched with lemonade.
" Yes, that's very evil of you" Caldina snarled, " but move over, Ascot! Don't you dare to brag that you are a bad guy For, I, Caldina from Chizeta, is the most evil, I cheat at games all the time using my illusion magic! So I always win! HAHAHAHA!"
Umi and Hikaru nodded, "Now, that's something."
Fuu said, " Thanks for telling us, Caldina, we won't be playing games with you!" while adjusting her glasses.
Caldina grabbed her glass to take a drink then she found her drink turned to a block of ice.
"Argggh, it is cold!" Caldina dropped her drink and blew at her fingers to warm them up.
"That would teach you for wearing less clothes than me, Caldina!" Snapped Alcyone." And for bragging! Cheating at card games, bleh! You make me laugh!"
Alcyone rose to her full height and everyone recoiled seeing her glowing red eyes of doom, except for Lantis and Zagato and Lafarga who remained impassive as usual.
" Beware, everyone, If you get into my bad books, I will freeze your drinks, like what I did to Caldina!"
"Anything else?" Demanded Umi to the ice sorceress.
"Ah, you little twit asking me if there are more? Be scared, very scared! I like bucket booby traps! MAHAHAHA! I will fill them with crushed ice and set then over other people's doors!"
" That's extremely mean! I am scared! I am going to faint with horror!" said Umi sarcastically while Hikaru and Fuu fell off their chairs.
" Then those who have a tendency to oversleep beware, be very afraid of Alcyone the ice sorceress! I am known as the walking alarm clock of the castle!'
"Alarm Clock?" Asked the Knights in unison.
" Yes, whoever that won't wake up for work or slack off will…" Alcyone paused for dramatic effect while glancing at Lantis who stubbornly ignored her. While Zagato and Clef obviously fought to keep a straight face.
"What? Don't tease us!" the Knights urged, three as one.
" Have a bucket of ice cubes rolled onto their beds!" said Alcyone triumphantly.
"Eek! How horrible!" The Knights huddled together with the mental picture of sleeping soundly in a warm and cosy bed and then have their sleep abruptly interrupted by a cascade of ice cubes.
"You little twits want to know what is my piece de resistence?" Alcyone said smugly. "If I am in an absolutlely foul mood, I will fill the castle corridors with ice sculptures of doves, swans and love hearts! So no one could pass through and they make a dripping mess on the carpets!"
"Ice sculptures!" Umi's eyes lit up," I always wanted to learn how to make one! Could you show me?"
Alcyone's eyes lit up as well, "You are interested? No problem. Lets start!"
The water knight and the ice sorceress started talking like they were old friends.
Hikaru chuckled to see a friendship built so quickly while Fuu was not going to be distracted by anything.
" Umi must have had too much fruit punch. But just because she got distracted doesn't mean I am! Your turn! Mr Big Bad Evil Guy! Don't you think you are getting away! I want a confession!" Fuu put on an air even sterner than Clef and pointed at Zagato.
"You want to know what other bad deeds I did. That's a good question, and I am very pleased to respond, the answer is I got loads!" Zagato took a gulp of red wine like bad guys do and made his trademark obnoxious evil smirk.
"Like what?!" Hikaru and Fuu bracing themselves for something very heinous, such as burning a village down and torturing people.
Zagato was as aloof as usual, "Patience, patience, let me start my list:
"My evil deeds consist of forgetting to sign books out of the library!"
"Forgetting to sign books out? Yes, it is really devious!" Fuu adjusted her glasses again, Hikaru knew better and looked away before she could get blinded by the scary shiny glasses.
"Fuu, would you consider getting new glasses? You have been adjusting them non stop!"
"Of course that's only the starter! Then I should treat you to the main courses!" said Zagato mockingly.
All the knights took a deep breath to brace themselves further, including Umi and then Alcyone, who stopped their conversation to hear what the Big Bad got to say.
"I love making havoc on Cephiro! By messing up drawerfuls of the library catalogue cards!"
"Nooooo!" cried Fuu, clutching at her head imagining the scenario of having to look a book up only to find a card catalogue messed up.
Hikaru shook her head and said to Umi, " Those cards in the drawers? Who looks at them anyway?" Umi rolled her eyes.
"Once I sneaked into Clef's study, then rearranged all his books in reverse alphabetical order! "
" How nasty!" Fuu shuddered.
Zagato wore an even more evil grin and put on this conceited air, " Then I turned all of them so their spines face inwards!"
"Nooooooo!" cried Fuu again encasing her head in her hands.
"Would you like to do some nasty things to your teachers on Earth? let Mr Big Bad Evil guy teach you! Doorstoppers booby traps are the answer! I put 20 doorstoppers on the doorway of the classroom and when Clef came in..."
"Oh my..." said Fuu. "Do you read the doorstoppers first before using them as weapons?"
"Fuu! Err...Is that the question to ask?" stammered Umi and Hikaru.
"Of course I have! I choose only the ones I read! And mind you, I did that many times!"
"Hey! Zagato! Do you remember I am very capable of dodging your traps?" Clef yelled but no one really heard.
"That's so daring of you, Zagato!" said Alcyone and Emeraude with their eyes full of love hearts!
Umi and Hikaru looked at the two love-struck women and exchanged exasperated looks, "Do they have a thing for nerds?"
"I always wonder why he didn't brainwash more people when he got the power to." Said Lafarga with a deadpan voice and expression.
"Yes, I always wonder why he didn't get a whole army to kill the knights instead of hiring just a handful of people." said Ascot.
"I always want to ask him why didn't he go on a killing spree, set fire to some villages with his lightning power, or even bomb the whole country if he wanted to destroy Cephiro." Said Caldina.
"Caldina!" Ascot and Lafarga baulked.
Ferio turned his head to Caldina, gobsmacked.
"Don't look at me like that! Why do I want to bomb a country?"
Zagato got even more arrogant seeing Fuu's expression and also the impressive array of cross popping veins on Clef's forehead.
Hikaru quipped, " Zagato… err, do you have any evil deeds that don't involve books?"
Zagato was obviously delighted at the chance to do more bragging. "Of course! I need a break from books, don't I? In my spare time, I like scaring children! Sneak up behind them and when they see me, I will say l eat them!"
"AHHHHHHH! Certainly the kids will be scared!" snorted Umi.
Zagato snapped his fingers and a paper bag mask appeared "See this? If I want to scare them even more, I even put a paper bag mask of terror on!"
Hikaru cut in, "Err...Zagato, do you know that your own face is scary enough? What do you need the mask for?"
A stunned silence fell over the whole crowd over upon hearing the uncharacteristic snarky comment from Hikaru.
Zagato sneered. "Thank you, Miss Hikaru, that's the best thing I ever heard. Then to reward you, I got another very evil deed so you would go home with nightmares for a week! Mahaha!" Zagato started to laugh, the laughter made a chill go down everyone's spine.
"Shut up you NEEEERD! Stay in the library!" a identical deep and powerful voice boomed. "I know what you are going to say and how dare you dare to take all the credit! "
Everyone looked up to see Lantis standing up abruptly after taking a swig of wine and slamming it on the table and started feeling uneasy, especially Hikaru, who was still struggling to register what happened.
"Do you ever stop being annoying?" Zagato narrowed his eyes, but he shrugged and threw his arms up in a gesture of defeat. "Oh, well, little brothers always win."
Umi demanded, "What do you mean by Zagato taking all the credit?"
Then Umi almost regretted asking that question. It was already nightmare fuel to see Zagato wearing his dark, omnious evil look and the nightmare fuel multiplied itself when the Zagato's carbon copy of a brother wore the same look as well.
Clef facepalmed "These two are always trouble when they are together..."
Both brothers summoned a jewelled orb, poker faced as usual.
"The communicator? Are you going to...pretend to be each other on it? NOOOOOOO!" Fuu lost her calm again. "So Zagato pretends to be Lantis when someone wants to speak to Lantis and the other way round?"
Hikaru and Umi were trembling, knowing that it is impossible to tell the brothers apart on the communicator as their voices are identical and they would have done countless pranks.
"Spot on! Yay! Clever girl!" The brothers high fived each other in front of the gobsmacked crowd.
" We wreak havoc on Cephiro by pretending to be each other on the communicators! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Both brother erupted into peals of wicked laughter triumphantly. Their identical deep voices made them even more intimidating, everyone could swear their blood were curdling and their hairs stood on their ends.
Clef finally lost it and yelled "Enough! You two always automatically degenerate into 5- year olds when you are together! Lantis! Are you going to tell us you caused that big commotion in the castle?"
"Ah, you meant my accomplishment?' said Lantis proudly.
"Accomplishment!" All the juices and fruit punch started to show their effects on Hikaru, she slammed the table and walked up to Lantis waving her index finger while Zagato raised his eyebrows looking at the diminuitive red head . "You better confess everything! What else are you hiding from me?! And wipe that nasty look off your face!"
" You want confessions, I would gladly oblige! Hikaru, when i was a trainee I single handedly caused a commotion...by sleepwalking with a sword in my hand!"
The knights stared at the swordsman, eyes wide with fear, trying to imagine the scene, a half awake Lantis staggering with a sword in his hand and other equally half awake inhabitants of the caste running away from him.
Alcyone quipped "Don't worry everyone, Hikaru, just give me a call if that happens again, all it takes is a bucket of ice cubes to snap him out of it."
"Hikaru, I got another confession, I am the bad guy, not Zagato."
Zagato shook his head and muttered "I really have enough of this annoying little brother...who have to fight over everything, Lantis! Don't forget that I am the evil one !"
" Huh? what will you do? Throw doorstoppers at me? Hahahaha! Everyone knows you never aim at the right direction when you do so!"
Zagato glared at his younger brother.
"If that's not enough...I will...I will, "
The Knights eyes were wide as saucers and they were all ears thinking they could hear something they expected.
"Twist your ears and stretch your mouth and stamp on your foot! Brat! Wait till the party is over!"
Everyone choked on their drinks.
"What cool torture methods! This guy seriously needs a crash course on being a bad guy!" Caldina said after regaining their breath, Ascot nodded.
"Heh, talk about the pot calling the kettle black! I think you two need the course even more." Quipped Prince Ferio.
"Cough! Cough! What? You? Bad Guy? How stupid are you going to get, arguing with your brother for the position of The most Evil!" Asked Hikaru incredulously when her air passage was finally clear from choking on her drink.
"Don't under estimate me, Hikaru, I am as evil as my brother. I like hiding Eagle and Geo' s sweets so they would assume they had eaten then all!
'For what? You don't eat sweets!"
"Yes, I put the sweets back into their right places after a few hours, their faces were priceless, because they would think they hallucinated. HAHAHAHA" Lantis laughed again.
Hikaru yelled, "Huh, thanks, I will always lock my sweets up. What else?"
"I always forget to wipe my feet when I get indoors!" came the response.
No one would like a guest who forgets to wipe his feet, upon hearing that Hikaru looked like she was on fire with anger.
"You! HOW DARE YOU! If you live in my house, I will make you clean all that mess yourself and then clean the whole house! On your knees! While I go after you with a feather duster!" Hikaru yelled pointing at Lantis, an aura of fire appearing around her."
"Feather duster! Hikaru! I like it!" Caldina quipped and Lafarga turned pale.
Lantis responded with his usual poker face and deadpan voice.
"Hikaru...do you know how tough my training had been? Cleaning floors? that's a piece of cake!"
Umi and Fuu promptly hid under the table to giggle at the image of a henpecked lantis. if they didn't they would have cracked all their ribs to hold the laughter in.
The balmy spring air turned chilly, The clear blue skies were taken over by black clouds, lightning rained down, the well laden table shook, who have the power to do so? Who achieved this?
Both brothers' eyes bugged out, Hikaru forgot her wrath. Umi and Fuu got out from under the table to greet the sight of their ultimate enemy making her presence again- Evil Emeraude in all her armoured glory.
" Now that you mentioned it Lantis! Do you know how much stress you give me? Having to ask if you wiped your feet before coming in! If you forget to wipe your feet one more time…I should deduct your salary!"
" Em, please, you could deduct mine instead." Zagato cut in.
" You! Zagato you are always letting Lantis off so easily! I will also deduct yours for that!'
The brothers only looked at their ruler impassively, stoic as usual.
"Em, you might as well talk to two lamposts draped in acres of black threatening them, nothing fazes these two! " Alcyone cut in while helping herself to a large slice of cake."Hmm...Umi, that's delicious! Please visit us more often! With cakes like that, who needs men? Zagato, you could move aside!"
"Alcyone, I am glad you found something else to be obsessed with." said Zagato.
Hikaru and Fuu stared at Alcyone, "Could we call that an evil act? Maintaining that figure while having so much cake!"
Umi beamed to see her cakes so appreciated, " No problem!"
Emeraude saw the knights and got distracted.
"Ah...Lantis and Zagato...gives thanks to the Knights that they distracted me, keep your salary, you two terrible gits.
Knights, don't listen to these two jerks bragging, do you know I should be the one who takes the cake?"
'Of...course..you...do..." the horrified knights replied in a feeble voice, remembering that she alone got the power to destroy Cephiro. "By saying you could destroy Cephiro!"
Emeraude grinned smugly, a golden aura emanated from her, her abundant tresses streaming. Zagato started to look uneasy and he covered his mouth.
"Well, well, obviously I don't need to do so since Zagato is here. Wait till you hear what I do in my spare time! I always have a very mischievous streak! O ho ho ho!" A fan appeared in Emeraude's hands and she laughed her Princess laugh behind the fan.
" Do you know once I nicked all the chalk from the store cupboard!"
" Wow, what for?"
" For… making graffiti! On the castle blackboards!"
At this point Umi and Hikaru couldn't take it anymore and slammed their heads on the table, Fuu pushed her glasses, her face stonier than before.
"You are all scared, o ho ho ho! Fuu, do you have anything better to do other than playing with these things over your eyes? I have more to say!"
"I hid Zagato's books, substituted Lantis' sword for a toy sword and Alcyone's wand for a toy wand, that turns into squeaking rubber ducks when used! Imagine their faces when they saw their weapons became rubber ducks! O Ho Ho Ho! Priceless!"
Alcyone stuffed her face with more cake. Zagato suddenly took a great interest at his feet, or the robes covering his feet.
Lantis got a very murderous look on his face, but of course there was nothing he could do.
'Then I called Clef a shorty! Ho Ho Ho!"
Everyone could swear they saw steam coming out of Clef's ears.
"Knights, would you like me to gift you with magic mirrors?"
"Magic mirrors? What would they do? Would they tell us we are the most beautiful girls when we ask "Mirror mirror on the wall?" said the Knights with their eyes sparkling.
" No, no. My dears, no. " Emeraude wagged her index finger. 'Mirrors like that are very very boring."
"I once gave Zagato a mirror that will tell him he is the ugliest guy in the entire universe whenever he looks in it! Too bad that he enjoys being told that he is ugly."
"Uh-oh, insult backfire!" exclaimed the Knights.
"Zagato!" Lantis growled, ' What the..."
" I am so ugly that the mirror finally gave up and crashed, very sorry about that! Em, do you want to think twice about going out with me? Or deduct my salary for covering the cost of the mirror? " asked Zagato, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
"You know I broke that mirror myself! How dare you take the credit! it is because you are obsessed with asking the mirror "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the ugliest of all" and annoyed me so much that so I broke it!"
"Oh? I thought you did it to stop me from spying at the Knights?"
"That too!"
'That's impressive! What a nice pair of evil couple they make! Evil couple bickering alert!" Fuu commented while Hikaru and Umi were enjoying the whole thing.
The couple were too preoccupied at bickering and didn't notice all the men are shooting daggers at Zagato. The knights noticed that but were torn between letting the couple go on bickering or distracting Zagato and destroy the fun, but in any case they were giggling too hard at the couple's squabble that they hardly could speak.
'He? Ugly? Then what would I be? " Ferio gasped.
"Is he mocking us? What an arrogant jerk!" spat Ascot.
'I guess I fried his brains making him read so much. Dear, dear..." deduced Clef.
Lafarga rolled his eyes.
" ZAGATO!" the usually stoic Lantis felt he could go berserk knowing the implication of Zagato calling himself ugly, "I WON"T SPEAK TO YOU EVEN IF YOU ARE THE LAST PERSON IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!"
"Great, neither would I!"
"I think I heard that said enough times by both of you." Clef cut in dryly. "That would only last for 5 minutes! Alcyone you remember?"
Alcyone giggled. "I could recall! I heard that almost everyday!"
Emeraude froze hearing abrupt screams from the knights.
" What happened?!" Emeraude asked.
" MOKONA!" the Knighs freaked out as Mokona pulled its stunt of jumping under skirts, and it was not just Umi's skirt this time but all three!
The whole crowd, including the villains were taken aback. .
"Eek! Help! I need to wash my eyes and get brain bleach!" shrieked Emeraude with tears streaming down in outrage.
" Mokona, how dare you!" Shouted Caldina and Ascot."
" No, you can do anything but not…that!" Alcyone cut her sentence off, couldn't bring herself to describe what mokona did.
"Zagato! Watch out" Emeraude cried.
"Mokona! Get out of Zagato's clothes now!" shouted Presea.
A blur of white entered Zagato's tent like robes, which startled him for a second but the High Priest also went livid.
" Mokona, get out, I am afraid i am not hiding you from Presea this time, for not even a villain would do that!" Zagato snarled, his voice sounding dangerous low.
Lantis nodded in agreement.
Presea went all hyper, "HAHAHAHAHA! You are doomed! I still haven't made you pay for messing up my room the other day! Lets see what I would do to you? How about boiling you alive? Pulling your ears? Twisting them? Stuffing your mouth to full capacity? Eat you for tea? "
"Eat him for tea? What a good idea!" chimed the villains.
"Presea, think of even worse things please!" Ferio and Clef now joined.
Mokona knew better and bounced off in great leaps with Presea, Lantis, Emeraude, Ferio and Clef and the villains hot on its trail.
Fuu turned to her friends,"That explains why none of them managed to kill us."
"I would very much like to tell them what real bad things happens on Earth, I think they would be the ones who will have nightmares for a week, no, a month even. even Zagato. " said Umi.
"Agree, The are like some cute school children compared to the real bad guys we heard about in our history lessons and in the news. " Hikaru smiled.
"Shall we go and rescue Mokona? " said Fuu while playing her glasses and produced the most blinding reflection ever!
" No...in fact I am going after it as well!" Umi rolled up her sleeves and produced her giant hammer!
Hikaru turned to Fuu and snapped, " Fuu, you are going to the optician's for new glasses as soon as we arrive on Earth!"
Author's note again: Those who read Clef's flashback in manga volume 6 would understand why I say Zagato is a nerd.