Collectible Chocolate Frog Cards by Luvscharlie
Warnings: Silliness
A/N: Originally written for the Clue(do) Ficathon at the rarepair_shorts community on Live Journal. My prompt was Viktor and Hermione in the kitchen with a chocolate frog card.
The smells wafting into the bedroom were delicious. There was the sweet smell of syrup and sizzle of sausages, but it was the freshly brewing coffee that finally got Hermione in an upright position and forced her feet to propel her towards the kitchen. Viktor was standing at the cooker in his boxers and she took a moment to appreciate the view from behind. She smiled when he turned toward her, catching her indulging in a bit of voyeuristic delight.
"Awake then?" he asked.
"Mmm," she replied sleepily.
"And articulate," Viktor retorted.
There were days that his now well-developed English skills were rather obnoxious. Particularly when she didn't have much of a come back—like now. Luckily for her, Viktor didn't wait for one. He prattled on.
"You're fairly predictable, you know. The smell of coffee brings you to the kitchen every time. If only I could find such a failsafe way to get you out of your office and into bed at night."
Hermione ignored the comment about her over-working, a topic certain to only lead to bad tempers and an unhappy breakfast, and chose to concentrate on the topic of coffee. Coffee seemed safe. "Yes, well, we've been married long enough now for you to know that little secret, I guess. I am a coffee-addict. I freely admit my problem," Hermione said. Her brain needed coffee in order to function, and clever replies were in short supply this early in the morning. She reached around him for a cup, but he batted away her hands, poured her some coffee and passed it over. He leaned in and kissed her forehead, but there was a smirk on Viktor's face that caught her attention.
"What's with the smile?" Hermione asked suspiciously.
"A man can't smile?" he asked. He was feigning innocence, something she'd seen him do many times in the past, and it raised her suspicions all the more.
"Smiling this early in the morning is unnatural. Besides, I recognise that smile. It means you know something that you're just dying to tell me. Spill it."
"I have no idea what you're talking about. Look, I made sausages. Do you want some?"
Clever diversion there, Mr. Krum. Her stomach rumbled traitorously, indicating this diversion was one that it was very much in favour of. She tilted her head and looked at him with scepticism, but nodded that she did, indeed, want some sausages. "You know, Viktor, you are pants at secret-keeping. I'll have it out of you before we finish breakfast." She turned towards the table and made her way to sit down in her normal chair, tucking a leg beneath her and watching him over the rim of her steaming cup.
"You won't," he said with staunch defiance.
"Aha! So there is something you're hiding."
Banging his head once against the cupboard in frustration, Viktor turned, pointing his finger at her. "That was cheating."
"No, that was careful plotting. Which I knew you'd fall into, and you did."
Shaking his head, Viktor brought his own plate of sausages to the table, where he sat down and began to dig into them with abandon, completely ignoring her. While he had a hearty appetite on most mornings, it wasn't like her husband to be so inconsiderate, and Hermione knocked her hand on the table in frustration. "None for me then?" she asked, her hand pointing at the sausages that Viktor was wasting no time in snarfing down.
"Oh, did you want some?"
"You know very well that I said I did."
"Must have forgotten. One too many Bludgers to the head, perhaps?" he said, going back to the counter and taking a plate down from the cupboard. He ladled some sausages into her plate and then smacked himself on the forehead as though some great revelation had befallen him. "I can't believe I was going to give you these. I have something that I think you'll enjoy so much more," Viktor said, dumping her sausages back into the skillet rather than giving them to her and causing her stomach to rumble in protest. "Wait right here." And with those words he left the room and left his wife staring after him. Her curiosity, as well as her suspicions, was working overtime.
Viktor came back with a box in his hand—strangely, it was a box that she recognised. One for a chocolate frog.
"What is in that?"
"A surprise," he said with a wink. "I can't wait to see what you think of it. I ran into Lavender Brown yesterday and she-"
Hermione cut him off quickly. "I'm not in the habit of eating chocolate for breakfast. I'll take the sausages, if you don't mind," Hermione retorted, reaching across to take Viktor's plate as her own. "Is that from Lavender Brown?" Hermione did her best to keep her voice level, but Lavender and she simply did not get along. It didn't seem to matter that Lavender and Ron were dating again or that she was a happily married woman. Old rivalries, no matter how foolish, seemed hard pressed to die. But, Hermione wanted to foster a good relationship between Viktor and Ron, which was turbulent—at best, and that meant being nice to Lavender in order to set an example for the men. However, at the moment, it was far too early to have to be polite.
Viktor rushed forward with his Seeker-like reflexes working overtime to save his links, swatting away her hand playfully. "Oh no you don't. Those are mine." He shoved the last two sausages into his mouth, cleaning his plate of every remaining morsel, and washing it all down with a large glass of milk. Viktor had never been a coffee drinker; he made that strictly for her. He handed Hermione the chocolate frog box and sat back down in his chair. "That's not a gift from your friend, Lavender Brown." He was near brimming with excitement, and Hermione had to admit that she was anxious, albeit apprehensive, to open the box. "Though, she did suggest that you might…erm… uh… enjoy it." Viktor's excitement was sort of catching. She'd never seen him quite so twitchy.
Giving him a disapproving glance, Hermione said, without much conviction, "Lavender is my friend." Then she lowered her voice and sighed. "Is this going to explode?" she asked, catching the childlike twinkle in Viktor's eye.
"No immediate explosions, I expect. I checked it first."
She cocked an eyebrow at the mysterious answer, but her husband wasn't offering any more hints. "I swear I will never understand the ways of men," Hermione said, pulling a face.
"Yes, because women are terribly easy to read," Viktor snorted. "Now open it, won't you?"
Hermione decided to make him wait. She drummed her fingers on the tabletop and shined her sweetest smile upon him. "I'll have you know," she began, "that women are far more mature than men, and we do our part to treat one another kindly and respectfully."
"Even Lavender Brown?" Viktor cocked an eyebrow. "Last I heard, you were making comments about how her tits were lopsided and everyone knew there were tissues stuffed in her bra."
"I said that in my own home. Thus, it does not count. I do my level best to get along with Lavender in public. I'm sure she's trying as well," Hermione lied. "We have come a long way since our days at school." She nodded to add emphasis, where she didn't truly feel any conviction. The fact was their relationship hadn't improved at all. In fact, the last time they'd had tea even in the same café, there had been a bit of hair pulling. Thankfully, no one had seen that as it was in the ladies lavatory, and it had ended with a few shoves and some clumps of long blonde hair on the bathroom floor (which Hermione was rather proud of—she was tougher than she looked!).
She reached for the lid of the chocolate frog box, and Viktor put his hand over hers, stopping her. "Oh, by the way, did I mention to you that Lavender got a new job?"
He was up to something, and she didn't like where this was going. Not even a little bit. "How would you know that?" she snapped.
Viktor answered, non-plussed. "George told me when I stopped by the shop to pick up young Teddy's birthday present. And you're welcome, by the way."
"Thank you," she snapped. "What exactly is Lavender's new job?" Hermione was growing angrier by the moment. She'd been the top of her own class, a far better student than Lavender could have ever hoped to have been, and yet she hadn't received a single advancement in her Department at the Ministry since she'd been hired. Lavender on the other hand was—well, her photography career had really taken off. Sleeping her way to the top, no doubt!—Oh gee, did that sound catty? Well, good, as long as it's only in my head, I'm allowed to be catty without repercussions.
Viktor could hardly contain himself, even emitting a rather less-than-masculine giggle at the question. It was as if she'd asked the exact question he'd wanted (and she, of course, had).
"Well, you see," he began, "Lavender got a job shooting photographs for the new round of chocolate frog cards that are—"
Hermione looked down at her box and cut him off. "Oh, God."
"That one's yours," he said, pointing toward the box before her. "I think she caught your best side, my love."
Ohgodohgodohgodohgod. She opened the box and closed her eyes, terrified to look down into the box. She heard the ribbity croak as the chocolate frog jumped out and away, and she peeked one eye open.
"Oh Dear God!" she squeaked. "Tell me this is a joke." There before her was a card with nothing but her bum on it. All over it. Looking big and wide—and oh-my-god-that-would-never-fit-through-a-door huge! She was bent over and her bum filled the entire surface of the card, wiggling rather unflatteringly. Beneath it, her name in bright gold letters.
Viktor was laughing so hard she thought he was going to fall over when she snatched up the card and tied her dressing gown together sharply and walked to the door.
"Where are you going?" Viktor spluttered.
"To kill Lavender."
"You're not even dressed. Besides, I thought women treated one another kindly and you were too mature to resort to this sort of behaviour, and—and—and…"
He was still laughing and trying to find his next word when Hermione yelled "Shut up!" and stalked out the door.
Lavender Brown did lose that new shiny job she'd gotten (though she thought it was totally worth it, if the rumours around Diagon Alley of what she was saying were true) and most of the cards were recalled (not that anyone handed theirs in—unless they were in Hermione's immediate circle of friends and afraid not to do so—George, of course, held tight to his until it was mysteriously set on fire during an "accident").
Still, the rare cards remained in circulation even some twenty years later.
In fact, the coveted Hermione Granger-Krum Arse Card was worth a fortune if you were lucky enough to come by one, and Borgin and Burkes was that lucky. In fact, it was on display in the window for a week until there was a suspicious break in which is still under investigation by the Ministry. Luckily for Hermione, Ron Weasley is leading that investigation and he's far too smart to do it with much veracity.