Steve made his way to the attic of the Smith household to attend Dr. Richards's office. He sat down and out came the psychiatrist.
"Hello," greeted the psychiatrist. "What's your name?"
"Come on, Roger!" yelled Steve. "Quit messing! I'm not in the mood!"
Roger slapped him in the face. "Well!" he yelled. "Looks like you have a lot of problems. Where shall we begin?"
"Well..." Steve began.
It all began four weeks ago, when Dad came back home from work with bad news.
"I have some bad news, everyone!" he shouted. "I'm suspended!"
"Oh, Stan, why?" asked Mom.
"I was feeling warm so I put myself next to the fan and I spread my legs out. Then this stupid idiot comes by, falls on my leg and spills the dirty water onto the fan! Then Bullock blames and suspends me for two months!" Dad drank a glass of water. "Then I came back home to see my family."
But the others and I were looking upset at him.
"It was your fault!" yelled Mom.
"Yeah, talk about health and safety," added my sister Hayley.
"Now, we've got to get jobs! Every one of us!" yelled Mom.
"Wait a minute, Mom," said Hayley. "Roger's got a job!"
Yeah, that's right! Roger said he was a janitor at the Langley Falls Radio Station. But Roger couldn't lend us a cent because he said, "I got plenty of I-Tunes bills to pay."
Klaus, our talking pet goldfish, pointed out, "I have plenty of money. I have about a hundred thousand..." We all looked hopeful, but – "...Euros. German Euros! I'm an immigrant, what did you expect?"
And so our job search began. It was a success for Mom, as she got into baking business, making bread and selling them for Aunt Francine's stall in the mall.
My sister Hayley was also a success, getting to work on a bee farm, collecting honey and making sure the bee race doesn't die!
Roger was still a janitor, but Klaus was making more money than him because he was making fish porn movies on the internet!
And at every dinner, for the last five days, instead of supporting me for searching for a job, the best "advice" they could give me was "becoming a stripper" or appear in one of Klaus's porn movies.
And I had enough of that! After seven hard days looking hard for work, I gave up. So I went to Langley Falls Beach and took a rest. I was alone, but the sandy beach wasn't. It was packed with all the coolest students at Pearl Bailey High School! Everyone was crowding around to see the Madonna of the whole school, Lisa Sliver! She, who was tanning well and wearing a rainbow bikini, was dating a new boyfriend – Jim Kelly, the school's best swimmer and Lisa declared him, "Smart and strong as he swims!"
And he came from a rich family and he brought one of his horses with him.
"Now, let's see if my sexy bitch can ride this magnificent beast!" announced Jim.
"Sure, I'll show this idiot of a man what I can do," agreed Lisa.
So she climbed up on the giant brown horse and trotted off! She first stood up on the seat, while riding the horse. Then she rode the horse with one hand behind her back. Then she stood up, riding with no hands on the reins at all!
Everyone was impressed and so was I that I stood back a Nintendo DS game box inch away from the crowd and joined the clapping. Then trouble came! The horse was neighing and Lisa was about to fall of it, but she caught the neck. The horse tried to shake her off, but when she wouldn't let go, it trotted off to the rocks near the sea. It was so furious it didn't care where it went. It should have, because its hoof slipped on a big rock and both of them fell into the sea!
Everyone was panicking and worrying. Everyone was like "call the fire department" or "should we go in there?" and that lot. Well, someone – that would be me – took his red shirt off and quickly dived into the sea!
The sea was very big and full of rocks, not to mention my poor sight vision couldn't find Lisa in poor visibility. Then something caught my foot. It wasn't as big as a shark's mouth, but smaller bites can be a little more poisonous! I looked down and touched it with my hand. It felt like a horse's mouth. I swam under and something felt like Lisa! I found them! I quickly escorted them to the surface. I put the unconscious Lisa on the horse, who was now calm, and I swam to shore, pulling them with me.
It was annoying and embarrassing that all the kids were watching me giving Lisa the kiss of life in her mouth. GASP! I backed away and Lisa was breathing. Everyone was chattering around Lisa and checking her. I sighed and walked away, as did my hero feelings as well. Then they came back as Lisa turned me around and kissed me... on the lips!
"Thank you," she said happily.
Jim's father, Jason Kelly, was the chief lifeguard on Langley Falls Beach and he was grounding his son and selling all of his horses to new owners.
While Jim was not happy as he didn't deserve it, I did and I was happy as a bumble bee passing through flower to flower. Because I was given a new job – lifeguard duty on Langley Falls Beach everyday! Well, Monday to Friday, 4:00pm after school to 8:00pm when it closes and the weekends 8:00am – 8:00pm. It was hard work, but it made me feel good and happy because I didn't go home at night to my selfish family. I went swimming every night with Lisa Sliver, the most popular girl in my school!
"Wait a minute!" interrupted Dr. Richards. "Do you know how much Roger missed playing James Bondseries trivia?"
"Well, he should read more books than watch movies," answered a moped Steve.
"Roger says, 'That's what your sister Hayley told me'," said Dr. Richards. "Now carry on."
"Well, here comes the terrible bit of the whole story," Steve began.
But, as the days went on, for about two weeks, I kept on meeting Lisa at the same place to go swimming, but when I arrive, our dates are either very short or completely off! Lisa says I'm getting later and later, but I'm always on duty so she must be getter here earlier and earlier and earlier! I'm not that obsessed with her, so I planned a plan.
On one Friday, I convinced Mr. Kelly that I couldn't make do my job that say with a doctor's appointment letter (which I created). Besides, my friend, Snot, was looking for a job so Mr. Kelly decided to give him a trial.
About one in the afternoon, I sneaked down behind the rocks near the beach. I saw a little cave that waves came in. I saw Lisa reaching the surface of the sea holding a cage filled with starfish. Her friends, Amy, who was wearing a pink swimsuit, and Janet, in a bright green bikini, helped her up. Lisa chucked her bag with all the other sea creatures they have stolen – seahorses, crabs, lobsters and sharks! They were alive because they were in giant sea tanks and so. But not for long!
"This is great!" cheered Lisa. "On my last swim, I couldn't find any other fish so I think our job is done."
"No one will suspect this, so let's get back in there and find whatever we can to finally make our jewels to sell to the public!" Janet shouted.
"Yeah! We're going to be rich!" shouted Amy.
"All right, let's go, girls!" Lisa ordered. And all three dived back in the sea.
Well, I crept into the cave and checked the cave didn't have any alarms or booby traps. Then I started to throw the sharks back in. It was the hardest to do, so once I knew they were safe, the seahorses, the lobsters and the crabs were a piece of cake. So my job was done, so I decided to head back out, but I was blocked off by Amy! I ran for the other side, hoping it would be my chance to escape, but Lisa blocked me off. I turned to the sea and dived in, but I was caught by the leg by Janet!
I was thrown to the back of the cave. The three girls confronted me.
"You're very smart, Steve," said Lisa, "but if you were extra smarter, you would've let me drown in the sea!"
"So me rescuing you was all part of your plan to use sea life for your jewels? So you didn't fancy Jim Kelly? You had him dumped and grounded for nothing?"
"Believe me, Steve, this hurts me as much as you," said Lisa. "But now you know all of this, you will hurt me more than you." She got out a rock and was about to hit me on the head with it, but she was thrown down with a police officer on top of her. More police officers arrived and caught Janet and Amy.
At the beach, I showed the police the photos I had taken at the girls in the cave and I had shown them the walkie-talkie I recorded to their conversation.
Principal Lewis was so angry with Janet that he let her go to prison with Amy and Lisa. We both exchange angry glares, probably for the last time! Then everyone was cheering me. Mr. Kelly was so impressed that he promoted me to Supervisor Trainer to the new recruits, my best friends – Snot, Toshi and Barry. I was now the most popular guy in my school. But it didn't make me feel one hundred per cent happy.
My family was feeling very proud of me. My dad was drinking beer and said drunkenly, "I'm very proud of you, son. You made America feel safer, now three bitches are thrown in where they belong."
My sister said, "Well done. No, seriously, you stopped sea creatures from becoming food in a sea restaurant."
Then Roger, dressed as a female lifeguard from Baywatch, arrived. "I tell you, this whore is a coward."
"Excuse me!" shouted a very hurt Hayley.
"You consider yourself the best in protecting the environment, when you won't be like your brother and dive in to safe the animals! All you do is blabber and blabber and blabber!"
"Well, I guess you're right," said Hayley clamly. "It's time for... ACTION!"
And they both rolled into the sea and fought and punched, leaving me alone.
Then my mom said, "Sweetie, that was the bravest thing I have even seen you do! I am so proud of you!" And she hugged me too tight, my glasses fell off!
"Your glasses fell off?" Dr. Richards was surprised. "So did you buy new glasses?"
"No," answered Steve. "A dog found them and he gave them to me. Only they had dog drool and dog piss on them."
"Right," concluded Dr. Richards. "Popular girls will always demand too much so I would avoid them if I were you.
"But, Roger – " Steve realized his mistake, cleared his throat and began again, "My friend, Roger, said famous and sexy girls are to die for more than the unpopular and ugly ones."
Dr. Richards paused. Then – "Thank you for coming, Steven Smith. Come back again."
Steve exited. Dr. Richards took off his suit and "Roger" felt exhausted. He helped himself to wine and let out a great big BURP! "How does Steve remember so much?" he asked himself.