Authors Note: This is the first fic I have written for Chicago PD so your reviews and constructive criticism would be awesome :) I wasn't super happy with the whole thing but I've been holding on to this one for a while so I thought I would throw it out there. This is a song fic based on Taylor Swift's "Last Kiss". The story starts around S01e04 when Erin is trying to help Nadia.
As per usual I own many small trinkets but Chicago PD is not one of them. Also all mistakes are my own :)
Thanks for reading!
I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered
For just us to know
You told me you loved me
So why did you go away?
Erin hauled herself up from her the comfort of her couch, sighing and silently cursing whoever was knocking on her door at almost 2am.
Looking back, she should have known it would be him; he has a way of doing that, knowing when she needs to be left alone and when she really needs someone to talk to.
"Hey" he smiles down at her, arm resting against the frame of the door as she smiles softly up at him.
"Hey" she rasps, "Come in" She steps aside to let him pass and there is a smell that is just so …..'Jay' that washes over her, it's comforting.
"So let's talk" he smiles at her flopping down on the couch she was occupying just minutes before. Erin looks down at him, knowing he's not going anywhere until she's come clean, so she sits down next to him tucking her feet underneath her and sighs.
"I'm fine Jay really, what makes you think I have anything I need to talk about?" she says avoiding his eyes.
"Erin, come on, we're partners, you think I don't notice when you spend half the night at Molly's in silence nursing one beer that you don't even finish."
Erin lets a small smile cross her lips at how well he knows her.
"I don't know Jay, I just….. I remember what it was like when Voight offered me that escape from my old life, I took it because I knew it was like finding gold, but Nadia…..she just doesn't want it, or maybe it's me, maybe she doesn't trust me" Erin sighed wiping crossly at her eyes to stop the tears that were threatening to spill over.
"Hey, Erin, don't do this to yourself." he says wrapping his arm around her shoulders and pulling her into his body, cradling her against his chest in a hug.
"Nadia made her choice not based on who you are, the choice she made is because she's not stronger than the drugs." he says before dropping a quick, soft kiss on her hair.
The action is so intimate but with Jay it feels so natural, she's surrounded by his warmth and smell and safety and she honestly can't think of one single reason why this is wrong.
Erin buries her face deeper into his chest, inhaling the smell and accepting the comfort he is offering.
In a moment of boldness, she finds herself slipping her hands around the back of his neck as she feels him tense up.
"Erin?" he breathes out softly as she adjusts her position to lightly straddle him on the couch, her fingers playing with the hair at the back of his neck.
"Jay", she sighs closing her eyes and resting her forehead against his. "Tell me again why this is wrong and why we shouldn't be doing this, because the old excuses just aren't working."
But uncharacteristically Jay Halstead has nothing to say, and the moment would strike her as funny but all she can feel is the touch of his thumbs as they move to stroke the bare skin of her hips underneath her shirt.
And they are stuck in a moment of limbo, both too afraid to move for fear of the unknown but both unwilling to let go.
For once Erin Lindsay lets her reckless self rise up again, she hasn't seen that version of herself since the day Hank Voight took her in, but tonight she needs that Erin to push her the small distance between his lips and hers and in an instant she feels her lips connect with his. The soft pressure building until his tongue is asking for entrance to her mouth and she lets him in. It's all frenzied hands and stuttering breaths and she feels like she's on fire everywhere he touches her.
If Erin Lindsay was honest with herself she would give him everything, all of her and everything in between.
I do recall now the smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement
I ran off the plane
That July 9th
The beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms
Jay ran through the pouring rain with his jacket half held over his head, into the comforting warmth of Molly's. Shaking the rain off his head like a wet dog he looks up to see Erin sitting at a table smiling at him from behind the beer bottle held up to her mouth.
It's been two weeks since she finally made "One day" a reality and he doesn't know how everyone around him can't feel the happiness radiating off him in waves, the way his chest swells whenever she walks into a room or the way his hands itch to reach out and touch her all the time.
They had decided that keeping it between them for the time being would be a good idea. They wanted time to explore this new thing between them without having to share it with everyone but he was finding it harder and harder to not just grab her face between his hands and kiss her senseless.
Jay walked over to the table greeting Ruzek, Burgess, Antonio and Atwater and slid onto the seat next to hers, smiling at her before picking her beer bottle up and taking a sip.
"Hey!" she smiles, swatting his arm, "Get your own Halstead!"
Jay laughs as she feigns annoyance.
"Okay, okay, I'm buying, who's having?" Ruzek laughs as he takes orders before heading to the bar.
"So Halstead" Antonio says, "How's the girlfriend doing?"
Beside him Erin coughs as she chokes slightly on her beer.
"Antonio man, I told you, I'm not dating anyone." he chuckles as he slips his hand underneath the table to land gently on Erin's thigh.
Her cheeks flush at the contact as his thumb starts to makes small circles on the inside of her leg.
"I don't buy it man" Antonio states, "You've been way too happy lately."
"Yeah Halstead" Erin smiles cheekily as she looks at him, "Who's the girl?"
"You'll all find out when the time is right!" he says as he gently squeezes Erin's thigh under the table.
"Wow Lindsay, your own partner won't even tell you who he's dating, man that's cold!" Antonio laughs shaking his head.
"Yeah" she smiles at him, "She better be worth all this hassle Halstead"
"Oh she is." he says staring straight at her. Erin swears she can feel her heart swell at what she sees behind his eyes.
Suddenly Ruzek is back and all talk of Jay and his new girlfriend evaporates as drinks are handed out and the rest of the evening is spent in happy companionship.
Jay's hand doesn't leave Erin's thigh the whole night, making small circles and driving her insane.
As the end of the night approaches only Burgess, Ruzek, Jay and Erin remain.
"Well that's me done" Erin yawns, standing up from the table and stretching her arms out. Jay looks up at her as she gathers her coat.
"You want some company to your car?"
"No, I'm good" she smiles as he frowns at her.
Erin leaves giving Burgess a hug then Ruzek followed lastly by Jay. As she pulls back she whispers in his ear "My place, 20 minutes." squeezing his thigh before smiling at him and heading out the door.
Jay stares at her as she walks out the door and prepares for the longest 20 minutes of his life.
I do remember the swing of your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then
You pull me in
I'm not much for dancing
But for you I did
"Ugh why did I agree to this!" Erin huffs as she sits at a table watching her old high school group of friends giggle and laugh and screech along to Pink as she sings "Raise your glass!"
Erin can't help but roll her eyes at the juvenile display and she wishes for the fiftieth time that night that she had never come in the first place.
"You came because you're amazing and they all needed to see that." Jay smiles as he gently strokes the bare skin of her arm with his hand draped over her shoulder causing her to shiver at his touch.
"And because you are gorgeous" he says kissing her softly on the temple
"And because you couldn't wait to show off your hot boyfriend" he laughs pulling back as she punches him in the arm.
Erin can't help the smile that creeps onto her face, Jay does this to her, he makes her happy when she really shouldn't be and he makes her feel special when she really has no right to. It feels nice to be out in public and not have to hide their relationship.
"Come on" he says standing up and pulling her to her feet as she adjusts her skin tight black dress. "I want to dance with the hottest woman here." he smiles before pulling her onto the dance floor.
"But Jay, I don't dance!" she wines as he drags her behind him to the middle of the room as a slow song starts and the lights dim.
Jay pulls her into him placing his hand gently on the small of her back and holding her hand in his pressed between their chests as he slowly sways her back and forth.
"See, this isn't so bad" he says and she smiles at him as she looks over his shoulder at a group of girls she used to call her friends standing on the side of the dance floor, arms crossed and staring at her.
Erin drops her head into his chest and takes a deep breath taking in the calming smell of him. His thumb instantly rubs against her small hand held in his.
"I love you." and it's out before she can even register what she's said.
She feels him stiffen and then relax as he pulls her closer to him and drops his lips to her ear. "I love you Erin Lindsay, so much" he whispers. And for the first time she feels complete and special and loved unconditionally, it's not something she's ever had before but now it's not something she ever wants to let go.
Because I love your handshake, meeting my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions
"Just breathe" she smiles at him, grabbing his hand and squeezing it gently while knocking on the door.
As the door swings open she drops his hand like it's a hot coal and blushes slightly as she's greeted with a gruff hello from Hank Voight.
She walks in and hugs him tight; kissing his cheek on the way past as Jay follows behind her and grips Hank's hand in a strong handshake.
Erin finds herself sat on the far side of the two-seater couch with Jay on the other side and the distance between them feels like miles.
"Okay Kid" Voight says to Erin, his arms resting on his legs as he hunches forward in the single chair opposite the couch. "You know I love you and you're welcome here anytime but the afterhours call and house visit has me worried, are you ok?"
Erin is staring at a particularly fascinating spot on her jeans when she finally lifts her eyes up to meet his, "Well, um Hank, you see….we're here because…um…it's just that…"
"Erin and I are together!" Jay blurts out loudly, no longer able to listen to her stumble over her words.
Voight looks at them and arches his eyebrow, "Erin, go and get us some drinks" he says slowly. Erin's eyes widen in fear. "Um Hank, can we just…."
"Erin, I'd like a drink." He says a little more forcefully and she slowly gets up and walks to the kitchen looking over her shoulder at the pleading eyes of Jay Halstead.
"Listen Voight, I lov…."
"Shut up Halstead, what the hell did I tell you? I told you she was off limits."
Jay sucked in his breath waiting for the axe to fall.
"However that said; if the two of you thought you were fooling anyone these last few months you must not remember that you work with a room full of detectives! You're clearly not as good an undercover cop as you thought you were." Voight smiles slightly as Jay lets go of the breath he had been holding.
"I'm not happy about it but I know better than anyone how stubborn Erin Lindsay is and nothing I say is going to stop her. Just know this, you break her heart and there won't be enough pieces of you left to find, you understand me"
"Um, yes crystal clear" Jay says swallowing nervously as Erin walks cautiously back into the room, drinks in hand.
"So where's that drink?" Voight says smiling up at Erin as she hands him a bottle.
"Everything okay in here?" she asks slowly raising her eyebrow at Hank.
"Oh yeah, we're great, aren't we Jay?" Voight winks lifting his beer in Halstead's direction
"Ye..yeah, sure, we're all good in here" he nervously mumbles.
Later that night as he walks hand in hand with her towards his car he stops and turns to her.
"I love you" he smiles reaching up and stroking his thumb over her cheek as her breath comes out in puffs of frost in the cold night air.
"I love you too" she smiles walking forward and placing her hand on his chest before reaching up to kiss him softly on the mouth. The taste of her drives him crazy and he thinks he'll never get over her, get over this feeling.
"Now come on" she smiles taking his hand in hers, "let's go home."
And I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
It all crashed around her so spectacularly that she's still trying to wrap her mind around it. He's gone and she doesn't know what to do with herself.
"Erin, don't do this" he pleads.
"Jay I have to, this is our chance to stop this animal" she says looking up at him resolutely.
"No Erin! This is stupid and dangerous, this guy has drugged and raped three women and left their burning bodies in broad daylight and you're just going to walk in there and offer yourself up as bait, I am not okay with that!" he yells at her.
"You don't get to tell me how to do my job Jay! Is this because of Kelly!?" she yells looking at him with fire in her eyes.
Jay reaches his hands up to his hair and grips it in frustration. "Erin, the minute Severide asks you to jump you say how high! He's fine with putting your life in danger when there are better ways, safer ways to do this that do not involve you becoming human bait for a maniac!"
"Jay, he's my friend and he and his team need my help"
"I can't stick around and watch you do this, I won't Erin!" Jay threatens hoping it will wake her up and make her realise just how flawed and utterly reckless this plan is.
The words that come out of her mouth next make his blood run cold "Well then don't Jay!"
Jay Halstead freezes and he looks at her like he's looking right through her, then he simply gets up and walks away and her world comes crashing down around her.
It all goes horribly wrong and Erin narrowly escapes getting taken by the perp and it's only Jay's quick thinking that saves her as he sees the glint of a needle in the guy's hand and puts a bullet in his brain from his position across the street.
She gets lost in a flurry of activity and paperwork and when she finally looks up from her desk to talk to him he's gone. He's not at his apartment and he won't answer her calls.
She walks into her bedroom and sinks down to the floor resting her back against her bed. For the first time that day Erin Lindsay cries. She sobs until her eyes are raw and her throat is on fire. She doesn't cry for the narrow escape she had or for the dead girls, she cries for him and what she's lost.
So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are
The next few weeks are hell on her. She's stubborn and proud and too independent to just show up at his apartment and not leave until she's worked it out with him. So she carries on like nothing is wrong, going to work every day and staring at him across the table while he does his best to avoid her.
Everyone feels it but no one wants to get involved.
She finally finds the courage to talk to him in the break room and she's not sure what she expected but the coldness he emits is hard to take.
"Jay, listen can we talk?" she says approaching him warily.
"Oh so now you want to talk? Because I don't recall you caring very much about what I had to say when you were putting your life on the line unnecessarily!" He hisses, trying to keep his voice down.
Erin steps back at the venom in his voice and Jay sighs, running a hand through his hair.
"Look Erin, we can't do this here." and he watches her deflate at his words.
"Just….come over to my place tonight and we can talk okay?" he says gently, a peace offering that she gladly accepts.
And I hope the sun shines
And it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in weather and time
But I never planned on you changing your mind
Erin has never been so scared in her life, not when she's chased down drug lords, not when she was getting shot at, but standing here outside Jay Halstead's apartment she's scared.
She takes a deep breath and raises her hand to knock on his door, she waits a full minute for him to open it and he stands there in a dark V-neck shirt and jeans and her heart leaps in her throat.
The thought that crashes through her brain scares her, 'I can't lose him' she thinks to herself.
"Come in." he smiles softly at her.
Erin slips past him and makes her way over to stand near the back of his couch, playing nervously with the fabric of the cushion.
He stands there just silently staring at her and she figures she should be the first to speak.
"Jay, I'm sorry." She sighs out "I'm not used to this, sharing my life with someone, having to think about how my actions affect someone else. I should have listened to you; I just got so carried away with getting that sick son of a bitch that I wasn't thinking straight!"
"Erin, I'm your partner, it's our job to look out for each other. Outside of whatever is going on between us personally you should have listened to me, not as your boyfriend but as your partner." Jay sighs.
She drops her eyes to the floor, feeling the tears beginning to pool.
"I'm so sorry Jay" she whispers, "I was stupid and impulsive and I just miss you so damn much!" She says as she crashes into his chest, wrapping her arms around him, unable to not touch him for another minute.
She feels his arms slowly move around her back as he tightens his grip around her and when she feels him place a soft kiss to her hair she grips him tighter.
"Erin, you can't ever do that to me again, you have no idea how scared I was, I can't lose you." He says echoing her earlier thoughts.
Erin feels like she can breathe again, like it's all going to be okay and for the first time in weeks she finds herself smiling.
Jay pulls back and gently tucks her hair behind her ear, his fingertips lingering on the side of her face before trailing down to her neck as he pulls her in for a searing kiss.
"God I've missed you." he says breathlessly finally breaking away for air.
"Yeah, it wasn't so bad for me." she says smiling up at him and raising an eyebrow playfully.
"Oh no Lindsay, you did not just say that!" he laughs before grabbing her around the waist and throwing her over his shoulder.
Erin screams as she finds herself upside down over Jay's shoulder, letting out a final laugh as he walks her down the hallway to his bedroom.
Just like our last kiss
Forever the name on my lips
Forever the name on my lips