A/N Thanks to my awesome Beta pixiewriter87 who made this story what it is now. Also to my dear friend hayluu_xx who helped me in the begining of writing this story. All constructive critisim welcome. Starting from now i will dedicate each chapter to a writer who has inspired me or simply has a great story.


My mind wouldn't work properly. I couldn't breathe, and Charlie suddenly looked worried, as if I was going to puke up my dinner over him. Just that one word had grabbed my chest and punched through that giant hole again: His name. Knowing that I needed to stop thinking about him I ran, full pelt, up the stairs and into the bathroom. Unfortunately, grace wasn't on my side, and I slipped, slamming into the top stair sending a shot of pain down my right leg and a wave of calm round my body. It was strange how the pain made me feel better, just like Jasper sending mind numbing calm across my body. I don't like this pain in my chest. I couldn't stop it, unlike the pain I inflicted on my ugly body. I liked that pain. It went away, and it took all my feelings with it. It was like a drug- numbing and addictive. As I grabbed the razor and struck my arm, I thought of them. The ones that cause me pain, in every moment of my dwindled existence. I couldn't help myself with my cutting because they left me broken beyond repair. My blood looked so beautiful, crimson red contrasting with the ugly grayed skin I bared. The blood dripped onto the black tiled floor, managing to stain it. Fortunately, I didn't have to worry about Charlie; he gave up on me months ago. When he took my razors, I would simply go to the shops and get another one. It wasn't that hard.

At least tomorrow I will be seeing Jacob. He was the only one who still cared about me and put up with everything I did. If anything he was a bad influence on me, but I wouldn't want him any other way.

It was quite early when I woke. I had another nightmare. To avoid waking up Charlie I decided against going back to sleep. It wasn't fair for him to suffer with me. As I glanced out of the window I discovered it was the perfect day to get into trouble as neither human nor vampire would be able to stop me. The sun tore into my vision in the unusually cloudless sky. As I wasn't going to get any younger I decided now was a perfect time to meet Jacob.

A mere ten minutes later, I jumped of my truck. Jacob bounded up the path to force me into a bear hug. He must have gotten even taller over night because his brand new- yet already filthy- jeans were flashing his ankles. We rushed off to his garage to work on his car.

I jumped onto my seat which doubled as a tool box and sparked up a fag. It was a miracle how I had kept the fact that I smoked hidden from Charlie. All you had to do was look out of my window, and you would find all the cigarette butts scattered on my window ledge. Grabbing a beer from the mini-fridge was too much of a bother for me so I asked Jacob to get me one. We didn't have to worry about noise as Billy could not navigate the uneven surfaces of his garden so even if we were too loud he wouldn't be able to do anything about it. It's not like he was going to call the police on us.

I hated the taste of beer. It clung to my mouth with its bitterness, yet when it's mixed with cider it could get you drunk so easily. Today I would just keep on the beers though as I had to drive back. Also today would be the day I got my tongue pierced. I had been waiting ages to have it done.

I had discovered my love for tattoos and piercing after getting high off solvents for the first time. I was with Jacob sniffing glue, and my body went so numb Jacob thought it would be funny to pierce my bellybutton with a blunt needle. Luckily enough I didn't feel any pain, and it helped ever so slightly to ease my fears of needles. My newly pierced bellybutton was a little bit wonky, edging closer to the left rather than the centre of my bellybutton. However it still looked fairly good on me. I had to get my revenge on Jacob though, so I pierced his right earlobe whilst he was sniffing. It was the funniest things I had ever seen: The solvent hadn't affected him that much yet, and he yelped like a dog in pain. The sound alone had bought tears of laughter to my eyes which felt extremely weird and almost painful to me as I could not remember the last time I had laughed.

The piercing also had an unusually positive effect on me as it gave me false hope. The hope being that if I changed my body I would be able to change my mind, therefore forgetting about him. Obviously it didn't work, but I was soon hooked on body modification, and when I was getting my first tattoo, I heard his voice for the first time since they left. From somewhere other than my conscious memory I had conjured up his voice- his silky, honey smooth voice which was unlike the grainy echo memories I had stored. And for once, I was able to remember him without any pain. Of course the pain caught up with me and thumped the hole in my chest but evidently to me it was an irresistible lure. So I started getting tattoos just to hear him. It was the complete opposite to what I had started out to do, yet it was even better.

Staring into the broken mirror placed to my left, I peered at one of the fresh tattoos splashed onto my hip. It was the words "made in the USA" written in a black bold font. I couldn't even remember when I got that tattoo. All I could remember from that night was having a shot of vodka at The Lounge in Port Angeles and waking up with a new tattoo and a throbbing headache.

Then I glanced at the one of the first tattoos I got - a small black paw print on my left forearm. It was quite a coincidence that my best friend turned out to be a werewolf. I got the tattoo a few days after he turned. I was thinking about the fact the Jacob had disowned me shortly after he had gotten better. I don't know what came over my mind then. I think I went back into my security blanket, protecting myself from the despair from losing Jake.

I emerged early the next morning, confused and dazed; a fresh bandage covered my left arm. Panicky and confused, I tore off the bandage, shocked to see another tattoo decorating my body.

Jacob awoke me from my thoughts with a simple sentence. Well it was simple for him.

"Bells, you ok? Don't want you disappearing tonight. We have plans."

I smiled. Jacob had healed some of the pain from my broken heart. Slowly I was learning to live again. And with Jacob it didn't seem so bad.

It was shocking how wrong I could be.

A/N My first chapter is dedicated to The Only Pancake's story Darkest Before Dawn. It is truely a fantastic story that has made me think twice about the couples in the twilight saga