Disclaimer: Because I have to do this, I don't own SAO. Nor do I own the original plot, characters, or any product named in this story. All I own is my OCs, the humour, and anything of value here. Heh heh.
Disclaimer Two: You are entitled to criticism, fangirling/fanboying, reviewing, and hating. I will not listen to most complaints unless they are valid, as in aren't just random disliking. If there are any problems with spelling, grammar, odd OOCness, and or anything else, please tell me the place and what's wrong so I may fix it. Although that is highly unlikely.
Disclaimer Three: If you are by any chance, injured while reading this, i.e because of this being far too entertaining for simple minded folk, then it is not my fault. You read at your own risk. I will not accept PMs about how this story killed your sibling, cousin, bestie, relative, acquaintance, neighbor, random stranger, dog, bird, yourself or friend. (Only fish and frogs are allowed, but only because I don't like them.) Just please go die with them, and the problem is solved. See? I knew we could get along.
It all started with a pineapple. But then again, doesn't it always? Why can't it begin with a pear? Or a lego? Legos are powerful, I mean, they do literally rule the world, with their unbeatable skills, and the pain they can cause. So my question is, why a pineapple, and not a lego? Now, back to how this all started; I was just walking down the road to my house, well, more like apartment. Screw that, large cardboard box that was connected to other cardboard boxes. I had to pick up dinner for Mumsy and The Dude. In case you're wondering, Mumsy and The Dude are pet cats I have. I don't know my real parents because they died when I was young, and my evil Lego ambassador of an aunt raised me. She was the kind that would let you get away with anything as long as you didn't interrupt her soap operas. Let's thank bunjangles that I don't live with her anymore, a teenage boy can only take so much sappy drama before he magically turns into a sparkle. I heard that one guy, who played some badass character from something, got hired to play another badass character, but the plot of the movie was so gay that he started to sparkle twenty minutes in. I've been told that he was never the same again, and couldn't stop sparkling, so he tried to kill himself in Italy or something.
Well, enough of this sob story, and back to the pineapple. So when I finally managed to get to my home, which is on the seventh floor in downtown Syracuse New York, there was a large package sitting on the bottom step of the first floor. Of course, being the oblivious idiot that I am, and carrying many bags in my arms, I was unable to see said box on stairs, and tripped over it. As you might be able to tell, I have terrible luck.
"Oi! Kid, what are you doing?" Now for you foreigners, a.k.a, everyone besides central New Yorkers, our accent is not Jersy, nor is is Brooklyn. We sound like a mix of northern Missouri, and Canada. Mostly Canadian though, just a little louder, blunt, and slightly snobby. So every word we say, is pronounced the way it is spelled for the most part.
"Uh, sorry?" My landlord, a large burly man with dirty blond hair and a ginger beard, (common in those parts because of the high percentage of Germans and Irish) strutted over to me with a rather impassive look.
"You went and tipped the box over asshole. That had fresh fruit from New Guinea." I glanced at the spilled contents. Pineapples. The very bane of my of my soon to be ended existence.
"Ah, s-sorry 'bout that." I wasn't actually sorry, because he probably put it there on purpose, but its not like I could actually tell him that. The man was at least twice my height, and six times my weight. Well, more like half a foot taller, and three times my size, but still. Landlord, skinny half-starved punk, fully grown middle-aged man, nineteen year old who looked twelve.
"If you're really sorry, then I expect an extra fifty cents in rent next week. I'll keep tract of you, Ted, so there's no escaping." Oh darn, I was so looking forward to flying away on a rainbow poptart into the sunset with Kermit the Frog and Leonardo DiCaprio. In all seriousness though, Landlord and I actually got along well. This is just like an uncle playing a joke on his nephew.
"I'm kidding Ted. You always take everything I say too seriously. Go drop off you things, and then come join me for some of these juicy pineapples." I gave Landlord a nod, and scurried up the stairs, that jackass just loves to tease me. Or at least he did until the yellow spiked fruit had its way. Curse that evil fruit who was in league with the Danish folk. The masterminds of legos. Back to my untimely demise.
Later that day, as in ten minutes, I rushed down the stairs to Landlord's room, and knocked on his door. Mrs. Landlord answered, and we all sat down at their table to eat the deadly sliced thing. About two minutes after that, I had successfully started choking on a very small piece of fruit, and then another two minutes later, I died.
And that, is how my real life began. Some twist huh? Died by the very thing I tripped over, roughly fifteen minutes before. And on my second anniversary of freedom from Vegan fairies. At least I think they were fairies…. I mean, they lived in the woods, far away from everyone else, sparkled in the sunlight, were vegetarians, and seduced young teenage girls. I think in reality they were actually like a family of lame supermans. Anywho, I was dead, because I choked on a piece of pineapple that I had previously knocked onto the floor, right after coming home from work at the library. That's the important thing here. Not sparkly villainous vegan elves that were friends with Wolfman and Cinderella. I think? Blah, back to me, because like we just agreed, I'm more important.
I bet you're thinking that I'm not actually dead, because I am sitting here telling you all this. But I am dead. And I also bet that some of you are thinking; just get on with the story already! You're taking forever to get to it! Well all I have to say to you is; this is my memoirs, don't like how I do things, then I curse you to step on legos each morning right after getting out of the shower for the rest of your life.
Now,onto my funeral. I was there, in my coffin, and also kind of hovering over everyone. Which consisted of my wealthy Grandparents who hated my guts, my lego ambassador aunt, Landlord and Mrs. Landlord, my two cats Mumsy and The Dude, my ex-girlfriend Payton, who was with her new boyfriend Kyle, my ex-best friend (same) Kyle, my boss, and the super nice and hot woman next door named Anne Kimbel. Oh how I missed Anne Kimbel and her huge bazonkas. Her personality was great too, but those milk jugs were a gift to mankind. Too bad she was asexual. Not that that's a bad thing for her. Just disappointing for the male population. But that was it, and the service was super short too. And I was buried in some rundown spooky graveyard. Not cool. Especially since I happened to be a ghost at the time. Its just so, typical, and boring.
I'd say it was about three hours after sundown, so around 11:00 at night in mid June, when I felt this tugging around my neck. Not anything painful, but like still there. Then the next thing I knew there was a large shining pineapple in front of me wearing sunglasses, and a speedo.
"Theodore Valiant Prince!" Don't hate my name please. I already hate it enough.
"You desecrated the holy pineapple lord! As punishment, you are cursed to live a horrible fate in another world!" And thats when another pineapple showed up.
"Shut up Karl! You have it all wrong." Second Pineapple smacked first pineapple with leaf.
"Uh, my life was ready pretty horrible, so…"
" ….." I was ignored.
"It's: you get to live a new life in a new world because you died young and at the hands of the traitorous prince Pineapple. Because you were an innocent casualty, we are apologizing by giving you a second chance at life." The first pineapple made an 'ah' sound and turned back to ghost me, who was pouting over being ignored by two pineapples with sunglasses and speedos.
"Sorry about that Theodore Valiant Prince. What he said." That was the first time I ever sweat dropped.
"Uhhh"
"No you idiot! Its that's what she said, not what he said!" No this was not some story I fabricated in my rotting brain so my afterlife would seem more amusing.
"Well, anyway, take the new life kid." Second Pineapple tossed one of his/her leaves at me, and then disappeared. And then my world faded into dark. No I didn't faint. Everything just went black. Anyway, thats how my life began because of a pineapple.
END OF CHAPTER ONE.