Disclaimer: I do not own anyone you recognize. They all belong to Janet Evanovich. I am just experimenting for entertainment purposes, mostly my own, and making no profit. I would happily take Ranger off her hands though. I tried to buy him from eBay but they didn't have him. And they say whatever it is, you can find it…. Oh well…..I had to settle for some Bvlgari green tea.

I Was Lost, Honestly

By Julia (screaminbanchee)

Denial works well for me, most of the time. I need denial, avoidance, distraction, and any other techniques I can think of to put up with my life. Why do you ask? Well I am Stephanie Plum, the Bombshell Bounty Hunter. My life is full of crazy people. I am giving serious consideration to installing a number roll outside my apartment door. Just like the deli, take a number, wait for your turn to drive me crazy.

The first group is my FTAs, or people who fail to appear for their court date. They like to run around nude so I have to chase them, throw various food items at me, and make me roll in mud or garbage. Sometimes they even blow up my cars. It's not my fault. I am just trying to do my job. I am not the best bounty hunter, but I always get my man. So I keep my gun in the cookie jar.

I have been blessed and cursed with the Mazur/Plum genes. My fast metabolism from the Plum side lets me eat massive amounts of sugar, fat, and sodium without having to buy new jeans. During really stressful times, I may have to unbutton the top for comfort after a big meal. This also is a curse because I load up on all the things I have been told will kill me, Ok so I have a few extra pounds, but who doesn't? The Mazur genes gave me overactive hormones that have lead to a very confusing and frustrating love life. These days it keeps taking up more and more space in my thoughts. I honestly don't know what to do with both of the men in my life. This is really getting serious, best to halt the train of thought right there.

The genes also gave me an eclectic family. There is my mother, who thinks I should settle down, and spawn. Or at least work at the button factory. I tried it, but got fired on my first day. I have come to accept that I don't always like my job, but it suits me. Then, there is my sister Valerie. For most of my life, my mother always told me I should aspire to be more like her. She was married, with two children and, a perfect marriage. That is, until her ex-husband ran off with the babysitter, and left her drowning in debt. When she returned home, she got knocked up, and had a child out of wedlock. Yet she was still better in my mothers' eyes. Both she and Albert can wear on my last nerve with the mushy nicknames. She usually joins my mother in her crusade to change me. By staging a marriage of my own, I was able to finally get her and Albert hitched this past Valentines Day. Lately I haven't been told to be like Valarie, but it may start up again now that they are married. I am constantly being blamed for my grandma Mazur experiencing a second childhood. I guess my mom has forgotten how grandma Mazur wanted to do exciting things before I became a bounty hunter. So she wants to dress like a teenager, pry open caskets, and go to strip clubs. She seems to be more lively than I ever remember her as a child. She is a handful, but I will never understand how it's my fault.

I love my family, but they make my eye twitch. It just can't be healthy, but then neither is what I am doing now.

A while ago, this nut Edward Scrog decided that he wanted to be Ranger. Ranger is six feet of rock hard yummy mocha latte muscle, with silky black hair, and captivating brown eyes. He gets his coloring from his Cuban heritage, and the build from treating his body like a temple. He's so hot women walk into walls, and lose all coherent thought. He's a successful security specialist, bounty hunter extraordinaire, ex special forces, and Batman in the flesh. Basically, he is the shit. Who wouldn't want to be Ranger? The problem was that Scrog decided to bulldoze over the crazy line. He kidnapped Rangers' daughter and me, then attempted to kill Ranger to take over his life.

Why do nuts always think I am important to Ranger? Best not to follow that path.

While Ranger and I were looking for information on Scrog, we went into a neighborhood in Newark. Normally this wouldn't be significant, but he mentioned that he didn't want to run into his grandma. Ranger is like Batman, tall dark and mysterious. I have always wanted to learn about him. I mean we are friends and I love him, but he doesn't share what's in his mind, his heart, his past, or anything really. A well-adjusted person would let it go, but that's never been me. My curiosity has been humming for months.

I have always had too much curiosity. Several times it has led me nose first into trouble, but really it wasn't my fault. I didn't ask for all the bad things to happen to me. Somehow my internal magnet is set for trouble. Right now I am setting in my SUV watching people come and go, while chewing on my lip.

Part of my brain was screaming for me to just leave and never return, but the other part really wanted to find Ranger's grandma Rosa. I have never met any of Rangers' family. In fact, all I know about them, is that he has four sisters and one brother. One sister is named Celia. His grandmothers' name is Rosa, she cooks a lot, and only speaks Spanish. Presumably, he has a mother and father too, but I am not sure, maybe he sprang, fully formed, from the sea. He has never said anything about them, but he must have them right? Heck I don't know what any of them looked like, but I am hoping my spidey sense points me to the relatives.

I honestly am not sure what I expect to learn from this, but my brain won't put the car in drive.