DISCLAIMER: I only own Ziggy and Jeff, and I most certainly do not own D.C., though The Smithsonian Museums are some of my all-time fave hang-out zones.
Mr. Sith Goes to Washington
Real-Life Death Star?
By Ziggy Marshwobbler
On Thursday morning, security guards got quite a shock when Darth Vader himself walked into the security scanning line-up at our airport.
Vader was stopped at the metal detectors. The guards on duty there have sworn to our reporters that never in their entire careers have they heard their wands beep so violently. When one of the guards dared to stop him, it was originally thought that the Sith Lord must have used telekinesis to choke him. However, the guards were informed by a die-hard Star Wars fan and police officer, Jeff Bradley, that it was not the case:
"It's obvious that Darth Vader was using the Force—after all, he's a Sith Lord. Gotta use those midichlorians for something! But I think there were two reasons why he choked the guy: first, because he denied him access. Second, because I bet he could sense that the guy was a die-hard Trekkie."
After Officer Bradley got Vader's autograph and a picture with the worst villain in the Galaxy, the policeman showed his ID and "requested" that the Sith Lord be able to get on his plane. It was certainly not the pleas of a prospective Jedi, but rather the fear of sharing their colleague's fate, which pressed the guards to allow Vader to pass.
Ten minutes later, Vader had passed through passport control and received his luggage from the carousel, all with the help of one megafan and some exceptional Force skills. No doubt using his same assets, Darth Vader checked into
the Marriot Hotel in the afternoon. We have been informed by some of the biggest Star Wars fans in the city that he was most likely to have spent the night watching the Space Channel—maybe Star Trek so that he could try and force-choke Kirk—or the Cartoon Network if Star Wars: The Clone Wars was airing. Bradley also commented that he is probably impatient for the Season Two premiere.
The next morning, a representative from the 501st (The 501st Legion of Star Wars Fan Costumers of Washington, D.C.) paid a visit to Darth Vader in an authentic stormtrooper outfit. The Dark Lord immediately mistook the man for one of his own troops and sent him on a mission to frequent an available snack stand, and get two hot dogs, blended into a smoothie so that he could sip it through his breath screen.
After eating—or drinking—breakfast, Vader called for a cab and took a drive to the Senate building. One of the senators told us that he was shocked that the senator's desks were not elevated, floating, and drivable. The Sith proceeded to make a motion, much to the dismay of the other senators—regarding the construction of a giant superweapon, namely, Death Star III.
Although some of the senators were in favor of the motion—no doubt under the impression that it would make them immune to any nuclear missile attacks, the motion was defeated and the Dark Lord was sent to "the clink." Although Bradley has been interviewed on the matter, he has no idea how many years Vader will remain there. So, huge hoax, publicity stunt, or crazy truth? You decide.