"Hey, Josh?"
"Yeah?" he answered without looking up from his work.
"Josh…"
"What is it, Sam?" he asked, slightly annoyed at the interruption. If he was actually going to take a day off for Thanksgiving, he had a hell of a lot of work to get done first.
Sam shifted his weight nervously from foot to foot. "Well…"
Josh sighed. "Please just spit it out."
"We have a problem."
Josh sat up straighter, suddenly giving Sam his full attention. "What?" he asked apprehensively, dreading the answer.
"So… you know how on Thanksgiving, the president always pardons a turkey?"
"Yes."
"As it turns out, there's a, uh, a bit of a process involved, and, uh… well, the Press Secretary is supposed to handle it."
"Our Press Secretary is home sick."
"I'm aware."
His patience quickly wearing thin, Josh asked, "So what's this 'process,' exactly?"
Sam rubbed the back of his neck. "Apparently we get sent two turkeys."
"Two?"
"Yeah. We get two, and then the Press Secretary is supposed to decide which is the more photogenic, and that's the one that gets pardoned."
"What happens to the other one?"
"It gets eaten."
"Right."
"Yeah."
Josh watched Sam shift awkwardly for a few seconds, knowing there was something else his friend wasn't telling him. He was about to ask - but then he noticed the feather stuck to Sam's shoe. "The turkeys are in your office, aren't they?"
"Toby was the only one around when the kid showed up, and he said he could put them in there!" Sam groaned.
Recognizing that Sam was upset, Josh did his best not to laugh at his predicament. He failed spectacularly. When he finally managed to regain control, he looked up to find Sam glaring at him.
"This isn't funny, Josh! I can't get any work done with two turkeys in my office. And I think they might have eaten my copy of the President's Thanksgiving address!" Once again, Sam was forced to wait until Josh finally stopped laughing.
"Sorry! Oh my God. I'm sorry. That's just… damn, that's funny!"
Forced to conclude that his glare was ineffectual, Sam did his best to ignore Josh's obvious amusement. "Will you please come help me deal with this?"
"What the hell do you want me to do?"
"Help me decide which turkey is more - you know - photogenic!"
Josh was no longer smiling. "Oh, God, you're serious."
"Of course I am!"
Josh glanced down at the pile of folders in his inbox. "Are you sure you can't handle it?" he pleaded. "I've got so much work to get done before tomorrow…"
Sam looked hurt. "You're really going to make me decide which of these birds gets to live a nice life and which one has to die tragically just because it didn't look pretty enough on camera?"
If Josh thought Sam was being a fair bit melodramatic, he didn't say anything. He sighed again. "All right, all right… let's get this over with."
"So…"
Josh raised an eyebrow. "So?"
Sam glanced at him and shrugged. "So, which one looks more photogenic to you?"
Josh looked helplessly back and forth between the two birds, trying to find any noticeable difference between them. "They're turkeys; they look pretty much the same to me."
"Damn," Sam sighed. "Me, too."
"So just pick one."
Sam looked at him askance. "You really expect me to just wantonly decide - "
" - which one gets to live and which one has to die, I know, I know," Josh finished impatiently.
They stood in silence for a moment, watching the turkeys wander aimlessly around the office.
"So… what do you want to do?" Sam asked at last.
"Let's go ask Toby."
"Yeah, okay."
"What the hell do you want me to do?"
Sam opened his mouth, closed it again, glanced at Josh, turned back to Toby. "I don't know, but you're the one who put them in my office in the first place!"
"Where else was I supposed to put them, the Roosevelt Room?"
"CJ's office is empty!"
Toby rested his chin on his hand, absently rolling a pen between his fingers. "Hm."
"Hm?"
"I forgot."
"Toby!"
Rolling his eyes, Josh imposed himself between Toby and Sam. "Anyway, we still have a situation to deal with! What makes one turkey more photogenic than another?"
"That sounds like the opening of a bad joke," Sam muttered.
"This whole situation is a bad joke," Toby countered.
Josh rubbed at his forehead, where he could feel the beginnings of a headache coming on. "Seriously, we need some kind of a test." He frowned. "Red!"
"Pardon?" Sam asked, bemused.
"Red bleeds on TV! Does one of them have a more… uh…" He realized they were both staring at him. "...have a more… reddish tint to its feathers…?"
"You have got to be joking."
"Well, I didn't see either of you coming up with any ideas!" Josh said defensively, glaring at Toby.
"Hey, Josh…"
He turned to see Sam peering through the window that looked into his own office. "What, Sam?"
"Did you forget something when we came over here?"
"What?"
"Did you forget something?" He turned around to face Josh. "Like, say, to close the door?"
They all stared at each other for a moment, and then suddenly Josh and Toby were scrambling across the room to stand next to Sam. The three of them looked through the window, and sure enough, there was now only one turkey in the next room.
"Did we - did we lose a turkey? In the White House?" Josh asked weakly.
"We?" Toby and Sam asked in unison.
Josh shot them both a glare then headed for the door. "Shut up, both of you. We've got a turkey to find."
"What. The hell. Happened here?"
Josh, Sam, and Toby flinched slightly as they stood facing an angry Leo, trying their best to ignore the debris that littered the ground around them.
Finally, Sam cleared his throat. "Well… technically a turkey happened here." Leo stared at him, and Sam dropped his gaze. "It also technically wasn't my fault," he said in a small voice.
"And it certainly wasn't mine," Toby added.
Josh looked back and forth between them both. "Are you really trying to say it was mine?"
"You left the door open!"
"You're the one who put them in my office in the first place!"
"You're the one who can't just pick a turkey without making a damn production out of it!"
"Well, you're - "
"Boys!"
They fell silent, all sheepishly turning to once again face Leo. He stared at them each in turn, and then looked around at the wreckage of his office. He took a deep breath. "Here's what's going to happen here," he said in a voice of carefully maintained calm. "The three of you are going to go back to Sam's office, and you are going to pick a damn turkey. Then you are going to call Jasper Farms, and have someone come pick up the one we don't need. Then, you are going to find someplace to keep the remaining turkey until tomorrow where it is not going to escape. And once you've done all that, you are all going to clean up my damn office. Are we clear?"
Looking suitably abashed, Josh, Sam, and Toby all muttered, "Yes."
On his way out of the office, Leo added, "And God help the three of you if CJ gets a question about this little fiasco in a briefing once she comes back." He stepped out and shut the door, leaving three chastened employees behind him. They all shared a long, meaningful look.
"I won't tell CJ if you guys don't," Josh said at last.
Sam and Toby both nodded. "Agreed."
Author's Note: They pardoned the one that didn't run away. That one's the good turkey.