A No-Legged Race - A Parody

Very Bad Things had once again happened to Voyager. They set down on a planet to not only recover, but also to gather some excess food and other essentials, such as Magic Reset Buttons. Captain Kathryn Janeway glanced around her as she and Lt. Tuvok scanned the surface. "It's so quiet it's almost eerie, it's like we don't have a plot device now. We usually find at least some life on these kinds of worlds, even if it's only quasi-ionized subcutaneous particulates..."

Tuvok, his pointed Vulcan ears wiggling like Howdy Doody's, asked "what did you say?"

"I said...Tuvok, did you just wiggle your ears?"

"Yes, it is an attempt to show I thought something humorous, since having no emotion, I cannot laugh."

"But what I said was scientific," noted the captain.

Tuvok raised his eyebrows. "In what universe?" Janeway caught the hint, and dropped the subject. The Vulcan said "I am reading life forms over this way." They walk forward, only to see Q standing a couple feet off the ground! Sensing the frustration on Janeway's face, Tuvok muttered "I am sorry I said anything."

"Q!" Janeway spoke as if to a naughty child. "What are you doing here?!"

Q (how else to describe him?) Quickly lowered himself to the surface of the planet. "Why, my dear captain, so good of you to join me in my little experiment."

"Whatever you're doing, you leave my ship and crew out of it, do you here me," she shouted.

"Why you sound as if you're going to order me to stand in the corner next. Okay, here." A couple eight-foot tall boards appeared in front of him at a 90 degree angle. He kept speaking. "Anyway, as I was saying, there is another group as inept as you at finding your way home. I thought a little race would be fun."

Suddenly, a robot motored up to him. It extended its apendanges and shouted "Warning! Warning! Danger, Will Robinson! Very peculiar life form ahead!"

"So what else is new," commented the boy, about 10 or 11.

Q stepped out from behind his little corner and spoke. "My friends, you will note on your sensors I have placed a wormhole directly above this planet."

The Major and Mr. Robinson appeared on the scene and agreed. "Directly above this planet? What's that?!"

"A planet is a large celestial body that orbits a star. But that's not important," noted Q. "What is is that this wormhole leads directly to Earth."

"Oh, boy, we get to go home," shouted Will.

Don nodded. "I hadn't noticed - we were just so shocked that we finally touched down on a planet with an atmosphere; our last few didn't have one."

"Are you telling us," inquired Janeway, "that you walked around on a planet with no atmosphere, without spacesuits?" They nodded.

Ther Vulcan folded his hands behind his back. "Gee, I wonder what Voyager would be like if we had thatkind of science." Janeway put a hand to her head as if she had a major headache.

"Warning, warning," shouted the robot as Dr. Zachary Smith entered the picture, "another group of life forms is landing on a ship."

Smith glowered. "Oh, shut up, you bucket of bolts!" Fretting, he said "what can be more annoying than listening to you."

The robot suddenly impersonated Counselor Deanna Troi as a large ship landed directly in front of them. "Captain...I sense...a presence."

Smith clapped his hands over his ears. "Aauuggghhh! Go back to your normal voice, please!"

In his normal voice, the robot replied "I thought you would say that, Dr. Smith."

A man in a large hat and red shirt stumbled off of the "ship," with a rotund man with white hair and a blue shirt following. "Gilligaaaaan," the second man shouted, "get back in here, I don't have any idea what's happened, the water all just disappeared."

Q walked over to the newcomers as others joined them. "I can explain; I brought you here."

"Is this another of your crazy dreams, Gilligan," hollered the Skipper. "Wait, why would I be here and wide awake in it, then?"

"Not that I know of," spoke the younger man. "Who are you," he asked Q.

"That is such a large question to answer. I am a product of their universe" he pointed at Voyager" known as Q. I brought you here." He turned to all of them. "There is a wormhole occupied by an alien form known as the Teletubbies From Space. Once you get past them you're home free; Earth is right in front of you when you get out of it, and you'll have made it home."

"We're sick of playing your games, Q," hollered the captain.

Tuvok turned to her. "Captain, if I may, it might be wise to go toward the wormhole anyway, simply to learn about and analyze the new life forms which are present."

Janeway nodded. "Normally I would agree, but something about Q..." She turned to him and said "what's the catch."

"Well, we catch quite a few crabs," Gilligan blurted. "Sometimes the bass are good..."

Skipper glared at him. "She means how is that...being trying to manipulate us."

Q grinned mischievously. "Why, a little favor to my friends for letting you play through."

"Play through," inquired Janeway.

"I believe that is an old Earth term," spoke Tuvok, "referring to golf. When someone wished to move ahead of slower players, they were allowed to play through.'" He turned to the others. "What I cannot understand is, why has he brought you all here?"

"We're Lost in Space," explained Don as the other members of the Jupiter II crew came out to see what was happening.

"And we've been stranded on a desert island for years...wait a minute," hollered the skipper, "the professor was experimenting with rockets!"

"Rockets?" inquired Tuvok.

"Yeah, you should see what he can make with coconuts," explained the Skipper. "Anyway, you didn't by any chance veer one of his rockets off course, did you, Gilligan?"

"No, Chief, I swear..."

Janeway shook her head. "No you won't; or this won't be rated G' anymore."

"You see, you are all the most inept people at making it through just a simple race. This should be quite fun," remarked Q as he explained. "Gilligan and company, your ship that I invented is spaceworthy, and has fuel. You must, of course, figure out how to work it. Good luck - and may the least bad team win! For the others - well, it's seven years of indentured servitude with the Teletubbies if you make them mad; they don't like slavery, and it's not PC, anyway, except when it's ignored like in the Sudan." And then, he was gone. And the Jupiter and Gilligan's island were too far away from Voyager to continue communicating with them.

"What do you suppose that was all about," inquired Janeway.

"I don't know, but perhaps we should see if the sensors have been repaired, just in case." Janeway and Tuvok walked back onto Voyager, where it was reported all had been fixed.

"How did you do that so...wait a minute, did Q..."

"Was Q out there," interrupted Chakotay.

"Yes, he was," reported Janeway. "Oooooh, he makes me so mad I could scream. And there's only one thing worse than a starfleet captain screaming."

"What might that be," inquired 7 of 9.

"Captain Jim Kirk's singing," explained the captain.

Harry Kim responded to the earlier question by pointing to a sensor array. "By filling the couplinks with quasielastic hyperkinetic NMR, we seamlessly restored it. It's as good as new."

Janeway came out from her command chair and "Great, let's take off and see if there really is a wormhole."

Tom Paris turned around from his navigator's chair. "Don't you want to know what he said, Captain?"

"Im not interested, let's just..." The ship rocked as they lifted off and went into orbit. "What was that?"

Tuvok scanned his computer console for several seconds. "I believe we have an intruder on deck 5." Proving Vulcans were calm and cool, sometimes to the point of being near death, he then inquired "shall I go after him?"

"Depends, is it human or alien?"

Tuvok looked again. "Definitely human."

"All hands red alert," shouted Janeway, "everyone to battle stations, brace yourselves for evasive maneuvers. All hands, this is the captain; I know with aliens we let them into our ship with almost no question asked, but this is a human, and we can't take any chances! Code red, all off duty personnel report, look both ways before crossing the street! Stop, drop, and roll!"

B'Elanna was working down in Engineering when she noticed a fellow carrying a load of phasers. "Halt," she hollered, "or I'll use my super-duper Klingon fighting skills to annihilate you!"

Dr. Smith noted that ""if they're anything like Worf's, you'll lose handily."

The half-Klingon engineer fretted for a moment, then said "all right, I'll just whip out my phaser, then!"

"Very well." Dr. Smith put down the weapons and explained. "I am Dr. Zachary Smith, my ship, the Jupiter II, was near yours, and I just came to help myself to some weapons before we took off again. Our suplpy is most piti...your what fighting skills?"

"Klingon!"

Smith cowered. "Oh, please don't hurt me, Mister Alien." B'Elanna twisted his arm behind his back. "Ahhhh...I mean Miss Alien!"

B'Elanna released him. "That's better. Now, what do you really want?"

"What do you mean," asked Smith. "I just explained it to you."

"No stranger comes on board this ship without ulterior motives," she explained harshly.

"A good point. You see, I am deathly afraid of being enslaved - exuse me, indentured servanted, and I noticed that your ship is much better at finding Earth quickest, what with your superior speed, weapons, and the like."

"Well, forget it, the captain says we're not falling for Q's little games," explained B'Elanna.

Smith nodded. "I see. In that case, perhaps you could just let me have these weapons so we can be on our merry way through that wormhole."

"I'm afraid that won't be possible. See these readings?" She pointed to a computer.

Smith shood his head. "Of course not, this technology is centuries ahead of what I know."

"What do you mean," shouted the engineer, once again getting hyper, "everyone who comes on board this ship can read any computer console, don't you know that?!" Fuming, she noticed 7 of 9 entering. "Seven take this intruder off my hands!"

Noticing the cache of weapons, 7 asked "to the brig?"

"Of course not, are you crazy," shouted B'Elanna, "we never take intruders to the bring! Take him where we always take people."

Seven thought for a moment, then said "very well" and took Smith's arm. Leading him into the turbolift, she spoke to the computer. "Bridge, please."

"Would you mind telling me your name," inquired Smith in the lift.

"Seven," said seven.

"I did not ask your age," Smith stated. "Wait a minute, you can't be seven, why you look older than Will, even; fine young man, he is."

"I was rescued from a group of people called the Borg. I am too accustomed to my Borg classification to go back to using my human name. My full name was 7 of 9," she explained.

Smith shuddered. "That sounds scary. Even the name - the Borg!"

"They are imposing, but we have taken them down quite a few notches."

Smith grinned. "Ah, no doubt thanks to your superior weapons and cunning, the great power of human ingenuity vanquished them, correct?"

Seven shrugged. "No, we just rely on writers."

Dr. Smith stared at her, incredulous, as he stepped out onto the bridge with 7. He gazed at the viewscreen in front of them and gasped. "Oh no, we're adrift among the stars!"

"That sounds familiar," noted Kim.

Tuvok stood straight so that it looked as though he'd swallowed a baton and spoke. "That line was used by Professsor Moriarty when the holodeck image was somehow brought onto the bridge of the Enterprise."

Smith scowled. "Oh, be quiet, you miserable, pointy-eared alien."

"Now, you sound like Dr. McCoy of the original Enterprise. Who else can you do?"

Janeway got out of her chair and walked over to the doctor and 7. "Forget who he can pretend to be, let's get one thing straight first. Who are you and what are you doing aboard my ship?"

Seven calmly noted "that's two things, Captain."

"Im not interested in numbers, Seven."

Prais turned around and said "but you just said a number, Captain."

"What else am I going to call her, she's called Seven of Nine."

Chakotay suggested "maybe you could call her Of'?"

Seven of Nine, trying to recall a human joke to bring some levity to this tense moment, said "well, call me anything, but don't call me to the other side."

Everyone on the bridge except Tom Paris looked quite bewildered. "You're confusing that with the one about the chicken, Seven. It's don't call me late for supper.'"

Seven nodded toward him. "Thank you." To Janeway, she said "call me anything, but don't call Ensign Paris late for supper." Paris slapped his forehead as Chakotay laughed at him.

Tuvok interrupted by reporting "another ship just took off from the planet, carrying six humans and a robot."

"Let them go, if they wish to play Q's game. We've got more important things to do."

"But I am supposed to be on that ship," explained Dr. Smith.

The captain told 7 to "take him down to the transporter room and send him to the Jupiter II."

"But if we're both in space, how can you send me there," whined the doctor.

"We take your molecules and we..." Seven stopped to think a moment. She turned to the captain. "Yes, how does that work?"

"Just make something up, Seven, he won't know the difference."

Seven nodded and turned to him. "We bioprocess your smectic micellar membranes down to the molecular level, transpose them into a fancy little pattern, and co-ordinate the isoelectronic disintregration like a radio signal over to the other ship, converting it like a morse code signal."

"Wow," exclaimed Smith, "you can do anything with that, then."

Chakotay was astonished. "You understood what she said?"

"Not in the least. But it's fun to pretend," noted the doctor. Janeway ordered them to maneuver within transporter range, and soon Dr. Smith was back on the Jupiter II.

"Well," spoke the captain, "that little adventure is over."

Kim shook his head. "I don't know, we almost never have things that easy." Sure enough, a "Mayday" call was quickly heard. "Mayday - but it's November," exclaimed Kim.

"Put it on the viewscreen," Janeway ordered. "This is the USS Voyager, representing the United Federtion of Planets. What is the nature of your problem?"

"Warning, warning, danger, danger!" Suddenly, they saw the Jupiter as the ship veered out of control. Janeway noticed that nobody but Smith and the robot were around, and they were tussling near the controls.

"Why is the robot shouting that," wondered the captain, suddenly getting very cautious as Seven of Nine appeared back on the bridge. "Please," she requested as Smith pressed buttons at random, "state the nature of your problem."

"AAAUUUUGGGHHHH," shouted Dr. Smith as he tripped while trying to push the robot asisde, jamming his hand into a lever and sending the ship off course some more.

Janeway quickly said "I think the universal translator's not working. Seven," she ordered, "you're familiar with alien languages from your time with the Borg, what did he say?"

"I believe he said AAAUUUUGGGHHHH,' Captain."

Kim leaped out of his seat and ran to the lift doors. "That sounds like someone in trouble!" He stopped as the doors flung open, and said "Captain Proton to the rescue!"

Janeway looked at him. "Good thinking, go down to the transporter room, but without your cape. B'Elanna, they need an engineer over on that ship. Seven, you join them." They left.

Tuvok looked up from his science counsel. "Captin, another ship is emerging from the planet; it contains the final group of humns, and is basically an island surrounded a a titanium hull."

"Is it spaceworthy," inquired Janeway.

"Barely," noted Tuvok. "It is having troubles mostly because of some errors in the..." He stared at the computer. "Captain, what is this word?"

Janeway walked up to the science station and read. "Asymbiomorphakalogistan."

"Thank you. The asymbiomorphakalogistan thrusters are offline, due to some questionable engineering work."

The captain shook her head. "I already sent my best engineering people over to that other ship, they'll have to make do."

Meanwhile, on board the Jupiter II, B'Elanna, Kim, and Seven appeared. The robot quickly requested that they unfreeze the people in the tubes, which they did. "What's going on," shouted Don at Dr. Smith, "and who are these people?"

"Yes," echoed the major, "what's going on, and who are these people?"

Dr. Smith, now somewhat bruised from his fighting with the robot, explained. "This is a Klingon, this is a former Borg with a number for a name, and this is..." He looked at Kim. "Who are you?"

"I'm just a human." Kim explained. "I'm Ensign Harry Kim of the USS Voyager, this is B'Elannam Torres and this is Seven...."

Will suddenly went running to the controls and jerked a lever to the left, sending them all crashing into a far wall of the ship. "Why don't they put seatbelts in these things," complained Smith.

"Trust me," noted 7, "they don't have them in the 24th Century, either."

"You're from the future, then," inquired Don.

"Either that," 7 remarked, "or you're from the past."

"Excuse me," Will began, still manning the controls.

"Well, how do we tell...wait a minute, which Earth is that creature..."

"Q," interrupted Kim.

Major West nodded. "Yes, which Earth is that Q sending the winner of this race?'"

"Excuse me," came Will a little louder.

His dad looked at him. "What is it, son?"

"Don't you want to know why I jerked the controls to the left like that?"

"Probably saving the ship again," noted Dr. Smith. "A fine boy you've got there, Mr. Robinson."

"Yes," came the retort, "saving it from your crazy schemes. Why, it's your fault we're in this mess!"

"Yeah," shouted Don, "you almost got us kiled several times, and you're always pulling these schemes..."

As Major West continued to shout at Dr. Smith, 7 noted lowly "I believe the captain was mistaken in sending him back."

"That's our captain," Kim said proudly, "she may not always make the right choices, but at least she's decisive - except when she isn't."

"EXCUSE ME," shouted Will above the din, "don't you want want to know what we almost ran into?"

Suddenly, a ship of several dozen different colored creatures, all with antenna on their heads and small rectangles in their bellies, appeared in front of them. "E'o," spoke one of them, the voice coming over their radio, "oo a oo."

"What's wrong, the universal translators don't work," fretted B'Elanna.

"How convenient," noted Kim, as he scanned the voice into his tricorder.

Seven elaborated. "If that was their actual speech, it would have been modified by a nuocutaneous, dermal microaction in the glottal reagion of their larnyxes."

"What does that mean," Will inquired.

"They sound like they talk baby talk," explained Seven.

Dr. Smith walked over to the radio and spoke into it. "Goo goo."

"A oo al a'ou," came the voice in return.

B'Elanna surmised "apparently they can't understand us, either."

"Nobody can understand Dr. Smith," remarked Don.

Suddenly, the Voyager people heard on their comm badges "away team, come in, what's the situation over there?"

B'elanna tried to sum it up. "We've encountered a ship that we nearly ran into - the universal translators aren't functioning."

"I see," spoke Janeway, "they tried to contact us, too, and ours were also ineffective. How's the ship?"

B'Elanna snapped her fingers. "I knew there was something we wanted to do while we were here. Thanks, Captain." She turned to the Robinsons. "How are the engines here?"

"Fine," spoke Major West. "I guess we'll all have to just stay awake and alert so Dr. Smith doesn't try anything else."

"Good." B'Elanna reported this, and the three soon beamed back to Voyager.

As Kim re-entered the bridge, Janeway asked "can you figure out a way to contact those aliens?"

"I could try."

"Good, open hailing frequencies." A large number of hailstones shot forth. "What was that?"

"Those were the hailing frequences." A large ball came firing from the alien ship. "They're firing their weapons at us!"

"Evasive maneuvers, Mr. Paris!" The ship luches to the right, with the weapon just missing them. "B'Elanna, report!"

"Why, the weapon didn't hit us," noted Chakotay.

"I know, but it sounds more dramatic when I do that. Give us warp factor 86."

"But captain, I can't defy the laws of physics!"

Janeway shook her head. "Come on, this is Star Trek, we do it all the time." She turned to Tuvok. "Mr. Tuvok, your analysis."

The Vulcan raised his eyebrows, looking puzzled. "Why do you wish me to make a chemical evaluation of your urine. If you feel sick, you should see the Doctor."

"Not urinalysis, I meant I want YOUR analysis."

"I see." He scanned the balls, which kept being fired. "Their weapons appear to be made of a soft, sponge-like substance."

"Then we won't have any problems. Keep shields raised, just in case, we don't want any surprises." The ship was rocked. "What's that?"

Tuvok explained. " That' is a word used to refer to an object to which one is referring." He scratched his head. "I fail to see why you wished me to define that term at this time."

Another Nerf torpedo rocked Voyager. "Never mind, just get us out of here, until we can talk to those creatures."

Meanwhile, on board the Jupiter II, the group was still trying to figure out how to communicate with the beings. Will and the girls were starting to understand a few things. "Okay," said Penny, "we know e'o' means hello,' let's see, ooo...'who are you?' Dad, tell them who we are!"

Mr. Robinson spoke. "This is the Jupiter II, we're a ship looking for Earth, we need to go through your space to get there." The creatures sound very perplexed. "It's no use, they can't understand what we're saying."

Will had a thought. "If one of us spacewalks, we could go over and maybe talk to them, maybe seeing each other will help."

"Good idea," spoke the major, "I'll go." He looked out the window. "We better be careful, Voyager is getting hit pretty hard."

"Federation shields should be better than that, if they're over 3 centuries ahead like they say," noted Judy Robinson.

"Is Voyager canon, though," inquired the major.

"Yes," spoke John, "but not to itself."

Meanwhile, as the Jupiter II and Voyager were stalled in space, Gilligan's Ship was sputtering toward the wormhole entrace. "5...4...3...2...1, contact. We're in," shouted the Skipper, "we figured it out!" He leaped up from his captain/pilot's seat, which looked like a beach chair - because it was a beach chair, and hugged Gilligan."

"We're not out of the woods yet," spoke the Profesor from his engineering position.

"There's trees in space," remarked a shocked Gilligan, "the science really *is* weird here."

Skipper shook his head. "Oh, Gilligan, that's just a saying. Ginger, how does communication look."

"Well, it looks like a big, big box with a bunch of dials and buttons, and there are lots of fancy colors, with things whirring and buzzing and beeping and flashing...huh, that's funny, that wasn't flashing before."

Mrs. Howell walked over to her. "That's because there's an incoming call," she explained, pressing the flashing button.

"E'o," came the voice over the intercom.

"It's talking a foreign language," whispered the Skipper, "what do I say?"

Gilligan hummed. "Maybe you could offer it some of Maryann's coconut cream pie. And we'd better get a thousand or so, because I bet there's a lot of them."

"Good idea. Maryann," Skipper ordered, "use that processor thingy we discovered, and send them out a thousand coconut cream pies." He smiled. "The way to an alien's heart is through his stomach. At least I hope."

Back on Voyager, the crew is in a strategy session during a lull in the attack. Seven has an idea. "Captain, if their talk truly is baby talk, perhaps we could get an interpreter."

"Who would be able to..." The Captain stopped so suddenly, one would have thought she'd turned to stone. She held a hand to her head. "Oh, no, you're not thinking what I think you're thinking, are you?"

"If what I think you think I'm thinking is what you think I'm thinking, then yes, I'm thinking what you think I'm thinking," 7 agreed.

Tuvok held up a hand. "We must assess the possibiltiy, Captain, that she may not be thinking the same thing that you're thinking she's thiking, even if she says she's thikning what you think she's thinking, because she may just think she knows what you're thinking she's thikning."

"On the other hand," Chakotay reported, "she could be mistaken in thinking what you think she's thinking, and still be thinking what you think she's thinking, even if neither you nor she think she's thinking you're thinking the same thing she's thinking."

Tuvok agreed that was true. "However, the probability that she's thinking what you think she's thinking, but mistaken in what you think she's thinking, is less than the probability that she thinks she knows what you're thinking, but you're thinking it differently from what she's thinking you're thinking."

B'Elanna agreed. "Perhaps we should hear what she thinks you're thinking, then you tell us what you're thinking."

"I would rather hear what Seven's thinking," explained Kim, "then hear what she thought you were thinking she was thinking, because if the two don't match, then it really doesn't matter what you thought she was thinking."

Janeway put her hand on the table. "By golly, this is the time when we need a commander who can make command decisions, and not just thinking them, even if everyone else is thinking what she's thinking. Seven, what were you thinking?"

Seven turned and inquired "are you asking what I was thinking, or what I was thinking you were thinking I was thinking."

Janeway held up a finger, hesitated for a moment, then said "the first one."

"I was thinking we could ask Naomi to interpret," remarked 7 of 9.

Janeway put a hand to her head. "That's what I was afraid you'd be thinking. And I was thinking it, too."

"If it's any consolation, Captain, I was thinking you might be thinking that I was thinking that."

Janeway spoke grimly. "Thank you, Seven, that may be a comfort to me once I can understand all of what what was just spoken. Phew, after that I wish we could just go back to our normal way of spitting out all that weird science."

Paris (singing, to the tune of "Give me that Old Time Religion"): "Give me that old time technobabble/Give me that old time technobabble/It was good enough for James Krik/and that's good enough for me."

"Don't quit the day job, Tom," deadpanned Janeway as she solemnly ordered 7 to get Naomi and bring her to the bridge.

As Janeway meandered in her ready room, Chakotay asked to enter. "You seemed a little disquieted there, Captain. Is there anything wrong?"

Kathryn shook her head. "No, I just hope all those who dislike Wesley will forgive me."

Chakotay sat on a couch near Janeway's seat. "I don't think it'll be that bad; we've downloaded and looked at the Jupter II's logs, and Will saved them on the Jupiter II a few times."

"What was the difference? I mean, I want to make sure that little girl doesn't have people not like her. I'm concerned about every one of the crew," emphasized Janeway, "from the biggest to the littlest." Suddenly, the door chimed. "Come." It was Neelix. "What is it, Neelix?"

"Oh, nothing; the writer just realized they hadn't used me, and thought they ought to. I brought the holodoc along, too, so he could have a speaking line."

The holodoc waved and said "hello."

"We were about to share an intimate moment," snapped the captain.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Well, we got our couple of seconds in, so we'll be leaving now. Bye." The door closed, and Janeway shook her head.

"Anyway, you were saying about the crew." Chakotay hummed. "Will was a couple years younger than Wesley; I think the difference was he used some ingenuity, and he was...well, he was more of an everyman,' Wesley was made to be too smart."

The captain nodded. "Go on."

Chakotay explained that "what you're asking Naomi to do is just helping, like Will did with the robot and other times. Will isn't a geek, just a boy with some good common sense and God-given ingenuity, he solved things thsoe couple times mostly like the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew do, if you've read their mysteries. He never rebuilt plasma nacelles or repaired warp conduits...or is that rebuilt warp nacelles and repaired plasma condiuts?"

The captain shrugged it off as they drew closer. "Either way, we've probably used both."

"Anyway, everyone thought Wesley might be able to, he was that smart. If Naomi were even in the captain's seat, I don't think it would hurt her too much, because she's more humble, and it'd be cute if it happened once. She wouldn't be rebuilding the ship or reprogramming the computer. Plus, Wesley caused some of their problems that he had to save them from, if you've read Picard's early logs."

"That's true." The captin rose from her seat. "Thanks, Chakotay, I really appreciate the talk."

"Anytime, Captain," he remarked as he remained in the room for a moment, wondered why he was there, and then left to enter the bridge.

Meanwhile, five of the aliens had spacewalked back on board the Jupiter II - one yellow, one blue, one red, one orange, and one green. The group sat around observing the Teletubbies.

"You know," spoke Dr. Smith, "you're right to attack Voyager - you should attack Gilligan's ship, too, they're mean."

Will put his hands on his hips. "We're NOT going to translate that for them," exclaimed the boy.

"They can understand us pretty well, Dear," explained the mom, "as long as we talk on a chlidish level like Dr. Smith is sometimes."

"I resemble that remark," protested Smith.

Suddenly, the others became transfixed on a video being shown on the rectangle of the blue Teletubby. The picture was quite fuzzy, so the yellow one gave a signal to the orange one, who reached up and adjusted the antennae of the blue one. The picture came in clearly after that.

"You realize you're watching that upside-down," Penny pointed out to the blue one, who spoke some sort of jibberish. "He said he can still see it."

The video showed the Teletubbies on their home world eating the coconut cream pies prepared for them by Maryann. Suddenly, all eyes - and the robots' sensors - became fixed on the turquiose one. He held his tummy and began groaning.

"Uh-oh, e er'i," spoke the orange Teletubby on board the Jupiter II.

The oldest girl explained. "I think he said he's allergic."

Shortly before this incident, Janeway had begun chatting through their four-year-old interpreter to the Teletubbies From Space. "We had no desire to injure you, our purpose was simply to communicate." Naomi interpreted in childlike language.

"Hur' e'r, li' bu' no' wor'," spoke the one seemingly in charge of the ship.

Naomi explained that "he said it hurt their ears when we opened a channel, I guess; something about buttons not working, makes me think they tried to understand and couldn't."

"In other words, they thought we were the ones hurting them," guessed 7.

"No, I think at that level," Naomi speculated, "it was more like a tantrum. They threw a fit because they wre upset something didn't work, and it didn't matter whose fault it was."

Janeway nodded. "That makes sense." Boy, she understands these characters so well because she was a toddler so recently herself, the captain considered. I wish all aliens were so easy to understand. "Tell them we're sorry, ask them what we can do to help."

Naomi did, and one of the creatures pointed to Gilligan's ship, which was progressing steadily through the wormhole. The one pointing said "o'o, o'o, mmm, mmm!" while rubbing tis belly.

"What's he saying," Janeway wondered as she approached the viewscreen.

"My first thought is," spoke the Vulcan, "that a mistake on the part of the occupants of that vessel tasted good to them. However, that is not at all logical."

Naomi shook her head. "No,o'o is a food; maybe they gve them some sort of food."

"Yeees," considered the captain. "O'o, o'o, what food could that be?"

"Captain, it would be logical to progress through the alphabet." He stood straight and folded his hands behind his back. "Bobo, coco, dodo..."

"Coco - for coconut," shouted Chakotay.

"Yes," came Janeway's excited voice, "I bet they gave them some coconut cream pie! Ask them how many, we'll match it." The alien didn't know. "Okay, let's replicate a thousand and send them over. Neelix, you hear that?" He had. "All right, we've matched your friends' offer, now let the Jupiter II go first, and then us."

"Captain," inquired Tom.

Sjhe explained as Naomi interpreted. "It's not sporting to go while someone else is stuck here."

Naomi clapped her hands. "They said okay!'"

"Great, you did marvelous work, Dear," the captain praised her as the viewscreen remained on for a moment. Suddenly, the same video of the Teletubby becoming ill from the coconut cream pie began showing as Janeway prepared to take Naomi back down to her quarters.

"Uh-oh," came the lead teletubby as they watched the end of the video.

Naomi stopped. "Wait, that was a different sound."

Seven shook her head. "I am sure that was just their way of thanking us for the coconut cream pies."

"No, he wants to say something else," insisted the girl. The entire bridge crew watched as the creature said "'E er'i." Janeway asked Naomi to get them to explain a little better.

The aliens all looked sad, and the lead one remarked "tu' hur'."

"Tell me what," the captain asked.

"No," complained Naomi, "he's saying his tummy hurts, see the sad look?" Suddenly, all the orange, green, yellow, purple, and turquoise aliens began to be sick. "Er'i, er'i..."

"Allergic," guessed Kim.

Naomi nodded slowly, then stated simply "we're in trouble." Chakotay shook his head. At least Naomi isn't to blame for this, he told himself. Of course, this just means it's all the captain's fault again.

Meanwhile, on board Gilligan's ship, several of the aliens emerged carrying the pies that had been sent over to them. "Oh, look at the cute little aliens, dear," spoke Mrs. Howell, "aren't they precious. And they're bringing some of the pies back."

"They must have eaten them all," spoke Mr. Howell from the beach that was now also a bridge.

"You can keep some for later if you like," commented Gilligan.

Suddenly, more Teletubbies appeared, and they began throwing the coconut cream pies at Gilligan and the others. "Gilligan, do something to stop them," shouted the Skipper.

"Like what?" A pie hit him square in the face.

"Anything," shouted the man, but once the creatures had thrown all their pies, they left.

"Well," came Mr. Howell's insulted tone, as he brushed coconut cream off his clothes. "The best thing I can say is they do have impeccable aim."

"The best thing is, hopefully that's over..." began Maryann before looking out the viewscreen. "Hard left!"

"They're attcking again," remarked the Skipper, "we're being bombarded with pies!" He ordered Ginger to try to contact them.

"It's no use," came Ginger, "they're really angry about something, but I can't make heads or tails out of what they're saying."

A hail had been sent - perhaps too quickly - by Kim stating that Voyager had told the aliens to let the crew of the Jupiter II go first. "Isn't that a nice gesture," spoke Mrs. Robinson.

Suddenly, as the creatures were about to leave their ship, pies were given to them, somehow being transported there. "Oh, look," John remarked, "they've got some going away presents. They look like...pies."

"They don't look happy," Will noted.

Suddenly, the pies began flying around the room. One hand held the pies, the other was used to fling them. The consoles and people were soon covered with coconut cream. Some which were rather intact wound up being thrown back at the Teletubbies, and soon an all out war broke out before the creatures transported out.

"What was that all about," wondered the major as he turned to Dr. Smith. "Are you all right?"

He looked at the man and groaned, holding his arm, which he'd sprained. "Yes, but it appears I was injured in the fracas."

"I thought that was in the foot," came the girls simultaneously.

The robot said "ha, and you thought I'd deliver that punch line."

"Never mind that, you bucket of bolts," complained the doctor, "let's just get this ship up and running." Suddenly, more pies started coming at them from the aliens' ship, though most were going toward Voyager and Gilliagan's ship. "Oh, no, we'll be hit in the crossfire!" Smith jerked the ship to the right.

"Now, that's's in the foot," joked Will as the crew lurched about.

On board Voyager, Janeway asked Naomi to remain so they could iron out the problems. "Captain," reported Tuvok, "one hundred of those aliens have beamed on board this ship." He looked down at his computer console and quickly glanced back up. "And they are each carrying several pies."

"Find out what they want. Hail them."

Several Teletubbies stepped out of the lift onto the bridge. "Hail, hail, the gang's all here," cheered Kim, "we're gonna beat that old team tonight!" He turned to the captain and said "that's not what you meant by hailing, huh?" He got a pie thrown in his face.

"You dservered that, Ensign. What are you doing with those pies?"

"Those can't be pies," remarked Tom Paris.

With a look of concern as the aliens threw pies at people, Janeway asked "why not?"

"Because," came the wisecrack, "they're round, and pi R sqaured."

Janeway walked up to a red teletubby and said "give me one of those," as she took from him. She then hurled it at Tom, hitting him square in the face.

As the pies flew around the bridge, Tuvok stood straight and asked while being splattered "would you please stop throwing your pies; you are damaging the bridge."

B'Elanna reported from engineering that "we're getting peppered with pies down here, too."

Seven remarked stoicly as she got hit with a couple of pies that "I presumed practically one purely got peppered with pepper, or perhaps with pickled peppers, not pies."

"Try saying that five times fast," remarked Naomi.

"Are you kidding," came 7, "it took me four takes to say it once slow."

Just as quickly as the pie assault began, it was over. As the consoles, viewscreen, and people were cleaned off, Chakotay said "thank goodness that's over."

"Think again." Janeway walked toward the viewscreen, noticing a large blob coming out of the ship. "What is it?"

Tuvok ran several scans. "It appears to be one humongous coconut cream pie."

"Shields up!" Just as the went up, the pie, which was half the size of Voyager, went "splat" right in the front of the ship. The captain shook her head. "Naomi...tell them we surrender."

The girl stared at the empty captain's chair as Janeway went into her ready room to clean the stuff from several pies off of her uniform. She finally sat in it, shook a finger toward the viewscreen, and broadcast to the alien vessel "you go in the corner for a nice, long timeout!"

"I don't suppose this is the time to ask how we're going to get the stuff off the FRONT of our windshield, is it?" remarked Kim.

Tom, finally cleaning the pie off his face, shook his head. "Although I'd like to suggest we could ride through a meteor shower to clean off."

Suddenly, the captain peeked out of her ready room off the bridge. "Ensign Paris?"

He looked toward Janeway. "Yes?" A pie suddenly hit him in the face.

As the rest of the bridge crew broke out in fits of laughter, the captain explained. "I had one left. Just in case."

Captain's Log, Stardate - sometime around noon Friday. We're finally getting the mess cleaned off our viewscreen, though the pies messed up our consoles so much we couldn't navigate, and wound up coming out of the womhole the same way we came in. Oh, well, at least we had enough Magic Reset Buttons.

"Do you want the honor," Janeway asked Nomi as they stood around a large red button seemingly attached to nothing.

"What does this do?"

Seven explained that "we would not have the power to waste water on all of our portals and windows. However, by using the Magic Reset Button, that allows us to do so."

"We use it pretty often, but this is the first time someone other than Seven or myself has done it."

The girl presed it. "Cool!"

"You know," Tom remarked, "I can't help but wonder what happened to those other two ships."

The Jupiter had continued to fly around aimlessly inside the wormhole for a while, finally crashing on a planet in the wormhole, where the Teletubbies put them to work for several years before letting them go back to Earth, where they landed safely. As for the other ship....

"...3...2...1...splashdown," remarked Gilligan.

"What did we just do," inquired the Skipper. "You put us right next to the Hawaiian islands, didn't you?"

"Well..." They looked around them - the ship around them had disappeared, thanks to Q, and now it was just an island again. "No, I guess the pies they threw at us messed up our navigation."

"Oh, those pies, Gilligan, why did you ever suggest giving them pies to begin with?!" The Skipper fumed.

Back on Voyager, Naomi was eating dessert. Neelix had just handed her a piece of coconut cream pie, but she quickly turned away from it. "I thought you liked to eat coconut cream pie," her astonished mother said.

"Oh, to eat," Naomi said, picking up her fork. "That's okay. I thought we were gonna start throwing em at each other again." Ensign Wildman looked quizzically at Neelix, who shrugged.