AN: Well this is my first attempt at a fanfiction here, based on a ridiculous idea
-Anything you find in the story that has )(text)( denotes a type of action, or more specifically, something taking place that isn't being said
-Finally, I hope you enjoy reading, I enjoyed writing
)(Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and two ensigns in red shirts beam down to an arid planet full of scraggly cliffs and only a few flowering plants and an oasis)(
Kirk: Captain's Log, Stardate…let's see here…argh, I never figured this thing out. Let's see…four digits…carry the one…
McCoy: Damn it Jim! You should have done that BEFORE you left the ship.
Kirk: I know, I know, it's just…I forgot which planet we were on and doing the log always helps me remember.
Spock: Remember, we are on Thanatos VII. We are here to gain flower samples that could hold great medicinal properties.
Kirk: Ah, thank you Mr. Spock. Now where are ensigns Ricky and Martin?
Ricky: )(In a bright red shirt)( Right here sir.
Kirk: Excellent. )(Shoots ensign Ricky with his phaser, Ricky dies)(
McCoy: JIM!
Kirk: Oh relax, Bones. He was a strapping, eager young cadet in his prime. He was on his first away mission as a security officer in a bright red shirt. He was gonna die and you know it.
Spock: Still, Captain, you cannot assume that every red-shirted, unimportant crew member will die on their away mission.
Kirk merely points to Ensign Martin, standing high on a rock cliff)(
Martin: Captain, I think I see somethi-)(Falls)( AAAAAAHHH-)(Hits the rock at the bottom hard)(
Spock: Perhaps I am mistaken.
McCoy: He's dead Jim.
Kirk: McCoy…I saw the fall, I think I know a fatal fall when I see one.
Martin: Actually…I'm…I'm not dead…I'm badly injured, but if you could get me back to the ship, I think I might make it.
Kirk: Oh…)(Pulls out phaser and shoots the cliff Martin was standing on before, causing the rocks to plummet and flatten Martin, making sure he was dead, he holsters it and looks to a shocked Spock and McCoy)( What? I wasn't gonna let that bleed in my clean ship.
McCoy: I'd argue but I really wasn't into saving his life. I mean I pronounced the man dead, how dare he go around and prove me wrong.
A beautiful blonde woman in revealing clothing soon appears at the oasis)(
Kirk: It appears that we have company. Spock, analysis.
Spock: )(Hoists his tricorder)( It appears to be a young woman of sexual interest. Scantily clad and of little intelligence, easily manipulated.
McCoy: Boy we sure do come across a lot of them, don't we?
Spock: Indeed. Captain, we should leave.
Kirk: Relax guys, I'll handle this one personally.
Spock: Might I remind you that Starfleet Command is REALLY getting tired of reminding you about the Prime Directive?
Kirk: Oh those are merely just…guidelines, not actual rules of the trade.
McCoy: Damn it Jim, those really are rules, and Starfleet is getting pissed with the fact that you toss them away all the time!
Kirk: Well do the rules say ANYTHING about having brisk sex with a species of an undeveloped world being prohibited?
Spock: Several times, actually.
Kirk: Oh…well…fuck the rules.
McCoy: )(Leans in to Spock)( More like 'fuck the girl'…
Spock: Quite. Perhaps we should drag the Captain away, kicking and screaming before a repeat of last time.
McCoy: I'd agree with you if he wasn't already screwing her.
Spock: What? When did he…wow he works fast.
McCoy: Should…we watch?
Spock: I am Vulcan. I would get nothing from watching the Captain's sexual capades.
McCoy: Well…looks like SOMETHING in your pants is human. )(Points to a bulge in Spock's pants)(
Spock: Actually, that is a rash from this morning's breakfast.
McCoy: Oh…eww…
Spock: I suggest we give the Captain some privacy. I can educate you on Vulcan rituals in the meantime.
McCoy: Sure, I guess, I mean…how long can the Captain possibly take?
)(Five hours later)(
Spock: And THAT is where Vulcan babies come from.
McCoy: )(Wide-eyed in his right eye, his left is twitching, his face shows evidence that his brain is "not there" )(……..
Spock: Doctor, are you alright?
McCoy: Huh? Sorry, lost myself there. Is the Captain done?
Spock: )(Checks)(No, he's begun what you humans call 'doggy style'.
McCoy: I didn't need to know that.
Spock: You asked. Anyways, continuing.
McCoy: Good god…
)(Ten MORE hours later)(
Spock: And THAT is why Vulcan ears are pointed, ever so-Doctor, am I boring you?
McCoy: )(Has a phaser in his mouth and is preparing to pull the trigger)( Huh? What, no, you keep on going.
Kirk: That won't be necessary boys.
McCoy: Jim! It's about bloody time! What took you?
Kirk: Well…I have…a small problem, Bones.
Spock: …Do not worry, we shall help you bury this body as well.
McCoy: Yep, just like the others.
Kirk: No, it's…uhm…I did her without one of my Starfleet issue condoms and-
McCoy: Wait, Starfleet issues condoms?
Kirk: That's beside the point. Anyways…I think I might have contracted a deadly and alien STD.
McCoy: HAH! Is that all? Jim, this is the FUTURE! We've cured all those ridiculous sexually transmitted diseases. )(Kirk's head explodes with a large popping noise and his lifeless body collapses to the ground, leaving a VERY shocked McCoy and Spock)( Well…we never DID cure that head exploding disease…
Spock: There are other accounts of this happening?
McCoy: Oh yes, it's quite frequent.
Spock: Name one other case.
McCoy: )(A pop is heard from behind and a quick examination shows that the woman Kirk had sex with has also exploded)( Well there's the case behind you.
Spock: I see. Well we should inform the Enterprise that we are to be marooned on this planet.
McCoy: Yes, and then, wait…WHAT?
Spock: We are also probably infected. We would endanger the crew. )(McCoy sighs as Spock pulls out his communicator, but is himself hailed)( This is Spock.
Sulu: )(Over communicator)( Glad we made contact, there are repeat cases of body parts exploding all over the ship! We need Dr. McCoy back here on the double!
McCoy: Roger that! HAH, ya Vulcan bastard, looks like we HAVE to go back.
Spock: Let us hurry, before the problem escalates.
Time passes as the Enterprise floats in orbit above the planet, McCoy can be seen in sickbay, in the middle of his log entry)(
McCoy: And it seems that the entire crew has been infected. I don't quite get it since I was only fooling with Mr. Spock about the disease. It turns out that there actually IS a disease that, when contracted, causes parts of the body to explode at random. It appears that we encountered the disease shortly after our ventures into deep space, but no one seemed to have ever taken it seriously. Now…our very lives depend on my making a cure. End log.
)(Spock enters)(
Spock: Doctor, how goes the progress on a cure?
McCoy: Good I'd say. I just completed my log entry.
Spock: But…you started that three hours ago.
McCoy: It's a very THOROUGH log entry. Anyways, I traced the start back to Kirk. He apparently contracted the disease a while back and it was laying dormant in him. He spread the disease by sleeping with every female member of the crew and a third of the male members.
Spock: Male members?
McCoy: When he gets going, he can't really see gender. It's one of those things you know, even if you're part of the male crew. You can fight it all you want, but if he wants it…you're just gonna have sex with him. After that, it was only a matter of time before the rest of the crew became infected.
Spock: Any idea what made the virus go active?
McCoy: Well I'm no fancy space doctor, but I'm willing to bet it has something to do with our flower samples.
Spock: How come?
McCoy: Because the crew started exploding AFTER we brought them on board. I'm hoping to be able to devise an antidote with them, but it doesn't look good.
Spock: You believe you won't be able to devise an antidote in time?
McCoy: No, I mean the flowers are ugly. They really don't look good.
Spock: Please, this is serious.
McCoy: I am serious, those are some damn ugly flowers! Now shoo, I have work to do. )(Spock leaves)( Nurse Chapel, let's examine our flowers.
Chapel: Yes Doctor. )(She carries a few flowers in sample beakers and they are indeed, very ugly)( How long do you think we have until the crew is all killed?
McCoy: I can't say, the explosions are completely random. )(Small pop is heard)( I…just lost Mini-McCoy…
)(On the bridge, Spock enters and takes his seat at the captain's chair)(
Sulu: )(Is missing a few fingers on his left hand and some of his teeth are gone)( Any word on his progress?
Spock: The doctor is working as fast as he can. We can only wait and see his results.
A large pop is heard, followed by McCoy shouting "DAMN! LOST ANOTHER ONE!", this is followed by a collective groan from the bridge crew)(
Chekhov: I really don't vant to die in the middle of space…
Spock: No one is going to die…)(A few more pops are heard)( Except…for the members of the crew that have and are going to die.
Chekhov: How…wery comforting, Mr. Spock.
)(A few more hours pass with random explosions among the bridge crew, oddly enough, only Spock is unaffected…call it a Vulcan thing)(
Spock: Status report.
Chekhov: Still exploding.
Spock: I meant the ship.
Chekhov: Oh…the SHIP is fine. Damn ship, getting out of zis better than us…vait…vhy aren't you exploding?
Spock: My Vulcan logic renders me immune to the randomness of a disease where body parts explode in no known order.
Sulu: That makes no sense.
Spock: Perhaps to an irrational human, such as yourself, but I am still unaffected.
Uhura: I say we beat him with crowbars so he dies too.
Chekhov: I second the motion!
Spock: Please contain yourselves. )(McCoy enters)( Doctor, I trust you have good news.
McCoy: I would if the crew would stop being scared babies and let me test on them. I keep getting closer and closer to a cure, but I seem to explode the body completely. No one even lets me check them anymore. Perhaps…you could order them to cooperate?
Spock: Doctor, that would be unethical-)(Notices Uhura supplying the bridge crew with crowbars)( Perhaps you are right. )(The standard attention hail goes across the ship as Spock's voice is heard)( This is First Officer Spock, currently acting as captain. You are to adhere to Dr. McCoy as he tries to create a cure. That will be all.
McCoy: Thank you. Now I'll be on my way and-
Sulu: We're picking up a Klingon D7 cruiser on sensors, she's raised her shields and powered weapons.
Chekhov: Klingons! It's always Klingons!
McCoy: Just great…
Spock: Red alert. Raise shields.
Warning klaxon blares)(
Uhura: They're hailing us.
Spock: On screen.
)(Klingon appears on the viewscreen)(
Klingon Captain: Greetings, I am-
Spock: I am sorry to interrupt, but we are in the middle of a crisis and we would be glad to deal with you later.
Klingon Captain: Uhm…well…I guess…WAIT! NO! Enterprise, you will be destroyed, and I will become famous! ALL will know the name of the GREAT CAPTAIN-
Spock: We truly are not ready to fight you, perhaps if you came back in say…a day or three.
Klingon Captain: You…you're serious? Well…let me talk it over with my crew…
The Klingons cut communications)(
McCoy: Mr. Spock! They're about to attack, we have to strike first!
Spock: What gives you that reasoning, the Klingons have shown no hostile tendencies.
McCoy: They're KLINGONS! They're the negroes of space! They ALWAYS shoot!
Uhura: Go to hell! )(Kicks McCoy in the nuts)(
McCoy: HAH! Those already exploded! )(Popping noise is heard)( And…I'm pretty sure that was a kidney…)(Uhura sits down, satisfied)(
Spock: Please, doctor. While I find your racism a refreshing reminder of your humanity, I do not believe that the Klingons will open fi-)(The ship rocks from the disruptor bolt of the D7 cruiser)( Those motherfuckin' space niggers…
McCoy: Mr. Spock! What kind of language is that!
The ship rocks again, everyone stands there as the camera is tilted, suddenly everyone acts like they've been thrown away until the camera steadies itself)(
Spock: Appropriate language. Mr. Sulu, return fire.
Sulu: Uhm…er…about that…
Spock: Now would be preferable.
Sulu: Well…before his head exploded…the captain had the weapons systems removed from my side of the console…he thought it was kinda stupid to have both sides do the same thing…
Chekhov: Yes, and he ripped the navigational controls out of my side.
Spock: Anything else I should be informed of?
Ship rocks again)(
Sulu: Shields are down to 34.
McCoy: HOW? We were only hit three freakin' times!
Spock: Mr. Spock to Engineering. Mr. Scott, we need more power to the shields.
Scott: )(Over the intercom)( I cannae help. She's given all I got at the moment. I just dinnae have the arms!
Spock: You need weapons in Engineering? Were we boarded?
Scott: Nay, Mr. Spock. I mean me arms exploded! I literally need arms down here!
Sulu: Speaking of that, how was your research on the Exploding Body Part Disease going? Aside from the people scared of you, I mean.
McCoy: Well-)(Jumps a bit as a small pop is heard and smoke pours out of his ears)(I think the part of my brain that held the memories of that just exploded…if you'll excuse me…I'm…I'm gonna go lay down now…)(Passes out)(
Spock: Doctor, this is not the time for a nap. )(Blood oozes out from McCoy's ears)( Get Nurse Chapel in here…and a mop.
Uhura: A uhm…'mop', Mr. Spock?
Spock: You know, we use them to keep the ship clean.
Sulu: Phasers?
Spock: You clean the ship with phasers?
Chekhov: What, you thought we did it the logical way?
Spock: I keep forgetting that you are human.
)(Nurse Chapel rolls onto the bridge in a wheelchair, as her legs have exploded, and takes Dr. McCoy away)(
Uhura: We're being hailed by the Klingons.
Spock: On screen.
Klingon Captain: Enterprise, you are defenseless. Your shields are down, you haven't returned a single shot, and your ship is heavily damaged. Surre-
)(A large explosion rocks the ship)(
Spock: What was that?
Scott: Over intercom That was us, Mr. Spock. One of the nacelles just exploded!
Chekhov: The ship can't have the wirus, it's impossible!
Scott: Actually, I'm betting it's from the Klingon attack. Ye have to do something before we take on much more damage.
Spock: This is an interesting predicament. The captain is dead, the ship is on the verge of destruction, and the doctor, the only person with the knowledge and ability to save us, is down.
Klingon Captain: Uh…wait, Captain Kirk is dead?
Sulu: Life support is failing, sir.
Chekhov: )(Large pop)( MY EYE JUST EXPLODED! Ah god, oh god, my god…
Spock: Get ahold of yourself, Mr. Chekhov.
Chekhov: I can't! )(Arm explodes)( MY WODY IS EXPLODING!
Klingon Captain: Uh…hello…still here…)(Chekhov explodes completely)( HOLY CRAP! Did he just explode?
Sulu: )(Staring wide-eyed at the seat that used to occupy Chekhov)( It appears Mr. Chekhov has expired.
Spock: Indeed, I shall make a note of it in my logs.
)(Explosion)(
Scott: )(Over intercom)( Log just exploded, sir.
Klingon Captain: You're not even paying attention to me, are you?
)(Explosion)(
Sulu: We lost main shuttlebay!
Uhura: Great, just great! First we start exploding randomly, now the ship is too!
Klingon Captain: Uhm…if you surrender…don't pay attention to me.
Spock: The ship will be stable momentarily. Calm yourselves.
Klingon Captain: Er…uh…victory…is mine? VICTORY IS MINE! ALL SHALL KNOW THE NAME OF THE MARVELOUS CAPTAIN-
Sulu: I CAN'T THINK OVER THAT DAMNED KLINGON! SOMEONE TURN HIM OFF!
Klingon Captain: HEY WAIT, YOU CAN'T-)(Uhura turns off the viewscreen)(
Spock: Back to the matter at hand-)(Explosion)( Mr. Scott, it would be appreciated if you stopped that soon.
Scott: HELLO! Got no arms here!
McCoy: )(Over intercom)( McCoy to bridge!
Spock: Dr. McCoy, I trust you've found a way to stop the ship from exploding.
McCoy: Yes, wait, no, wait, the ship is exploding? )(Explosion)( So it is!
Spock: …Doctor…
McCoy: I wanted to let you know that I've figured it out! I can stop the exploding virus! It was really simple. Let me explain.
Spock: We do not have time for this.
McCoy: It'll only take a minute.
Spock: Doctor, we have an epidemic. Crewmembers are dieing left and right.
McCoy: But it was a really GOOD explanation…
Spock: Fine Doctor, but make it quick.
)(Ten hours later)(
McCoy: So the flower was used to make a retrovirus that invoked the dormancy of the virus, see, quick and simple.
Spock: Doctor, you call that quick? Many lives were more than likely lost while you were explaining this.
McCoy: Nah, I put the cure into the air vents, there haven't been any new explosions reported.
Scott: Aye, and the ship hasn't blown a part off in a while either.
Spock: So everyone is safe and the ship is stabilized. Good work on the cure, Doctor. Also excellent work on repairs, Mr. Scott.
Scott: Actually…seeing as how I'm an armless freak…I never was able to do the repairs…and I think the WARP CORE'S OVERLOADI-)(Enterprise explodes into a fiery ball of death that only the Klingon cruiser witnesses)(
Klingon Captain: DAMN! Well, this just makes it official. We defeated the Enterprise! WE of the Klingon Empire and your glorious captain, me, CAPTAIN-
End
Klingon Captain: WHAT! Oh come on!
End
Klingon Captain: I just wanna say my na-
End Already
Klingon Captain: But my name must be told to the reader-
END ALREADY
Klingon Captain: It won't ta-)(Explodes in a pop)(
End of the Story