A/N: Yes, friends and neighbors, this was another one of those fanfic challenge thingys. I had to use 8 of the following 10 things, and 9 of the following 12 lines. The ones with asterisks (*) next to them are the ones I used.
ITEMS:
1. binoculars
2. an itchy sweater*
3. shampoo*
4. an empty pizza box*
5. a tiara*
6. a magic trick
7. half-eaten doughnut*
8. salad tongs*
9. cherry lip gloss*
10. a butter knife (preferably dull)*
LINES:
1. "Would you like some ham with that?" *
2. "I meant to do that."
3. "If I only had a brain..." *
4. "That had better be a banana." *
5. "I want mine super-sized."
6. "Is there a law against roller-blading down an escalator?" *
7. "Here kitty, kitty, kitty..."
8. "It's always Bling, Bling, Bling." *
9. "SCREEEEE!" *
10. "I'll trade you for a lava lamp." *
11. "Is it edible?" *
12. "Did not." "Did too." "Did not!" "Did so!" *
HOO HOO! Note that stuff between the // is being said by an E! crewmember/stagehand type person and stuff between the [[ ]] is being said by the real Bling. :)
Our Good Friend MR. DISCLAIMER: I don't own the E! network and actually think it's a pointless waste of cable space. I don't own Dark Angel but I obviously can do whatever the frook I want with it, as well as can other fanfic writers, so your little copywrite shiznit doesn't really work, does it? Haha. Loopholes are fun.
*ahem*
And now, for your literary enjoyment:
THE E! TRUE NON-HOLLYWOOD STORY PRESENTS THE LIFE AND TIMES OF BLING
*************************************
Hello, I'm a Magical Disembodied Voice, and you're watching the E! True Non-Hollywod Story. Tonight...he's tall, he's bald, I think he's got an earring (don't quote me on that). Some even go so far as to say that he resembles Mr. Clean. But who IS the man behind the itchy sweater? Who is the REAL Bling? Well, folks, today we go beyond the legend and trample a few dozen trespassing and privacy laws to bring you the answer to that very question.
He may now be the famed personal trainer and bodyguard of Eyes On...
//Um!//
Oh, right. LOGAN CALE, but he wasn't always so fortunate, nor did he always have just the right amount of muscle to make drool certain unnamed female inhabitants of a certain unnamed on-line message board. Long ago, he was just a boy, with a dream, in a slum, living on half-eaten doughnuts and cherry lip gloss (don't ask because personally, I don't want to bother finding out). Let's pick up where we couldn't possibly have left off since this isn't a sequel and we haven't yet had a commercial break:
(NOTE: This is a dramatization, and a fairly crappy one at that.)
"Bling, that does it! You are not playing with those...WEIGHTS of yours anymore! I am sick and tired of having to explain to our obviously evil slumlord why heavy metal objects keep crashing through our badly decomposed floorboards which definitely should not be strong enough to hold us up any longer and landing in the living room of the stereotypically grumpy old man downstairs!"
"But, Mom! If I do not work out, I will never get to be a personal trainer!"
"GOD, it is always Bling, Bling, Bling! Well, little man, why do you not think of someone other than yourself for a change? There are 15 other people in this apartment if you count the rats, and we all have needs and dreams, too!"
"But MOOOOM!"
"Hey, if you do not like it, you can move out!"
Well, he DIDN'T like it, folks. So he packed up his favorite pair of salad tongs and moved in with his not-so-good friend Vinny, who didn't have much of a vocabulary...
"So, Vin. I am thinking of applying for a job at the Subway down the street. What do you think? Is it below someone of my obviously better-than-average weight lifting skills?"
"SCREEEEE!"
"Yes, that is true. That is one of the great things about America, is it not? The ability to work one's way up? But still, I feel as though..."
"SCREEEEE!"
"Yes, I know, but..."
"SCREEEEE!"
"Okay, okay. You do not have to go crazy."
So our hero applied for a job at Subway and was promptly hired for his uncanny ability to build any sandwich (and I'm talking ANY SANDWICH) in under 16.32 seconds. But it was not all fun and games, no. Some pretty *unsavory* characters hung around that particular Subway, you see, and many employees subsequently fled the restaurant, eventually leaving the counter only to Bling and Psycho Bob. But Psycho Bob didn't do much beyond sit in the corner singing "if I only had a brain...," so he doesn't count. Anyway, the handsome...um...guy was able to deal with this for a good 11.2 workdays, until one encounter finally rode the elephant's leg...
//Um, I believe the phrase you're looking for is "broke the camel's back."//
Puh, whatever. Just roll the footage.
"Doo da doo da doo...oh, hello! May I take your order?"
"*eyes dart nervously* I do not know man, can you? HUH HUH, CAN YOU, PUNK?!"
"Um..."
"CAN...YOU TAKE...THE PRESSURE?!"
"I am...fairly certain that I can."
"All righty then. I want one of those newfangled Cold Cut Extravaganzas you have got going on."
"Excellent choice, sir. Would you like some ham with that?"
"*ponders for a moment* Is it edible?"
"Ex...cuse me?"
"The ham. Is it edible?"
"Um...one would think, yes, it is edible."
"*bites lips and ponders some more* All right, man. I will trade you for a lava lamp."
"W...what?!"
"The ham. I will trade it to you for a lava lamp."
"But...you do not have the ham!"
"*impatient sigh* YOU will sell ME the ham and I will RETURN IT to YOU for a LAVA LAMP!!"
"But I do not have a lava lamp!"
"THEN WE DO NOT HAVE A DEAL!!"
Now our young Bling, he stood there for a moment, staring at this apparent lunatic with thousands and thousands of inappropriate and violent thoughts flowing through his mind. Finally, he threw caution to the wind and let himself go.
"All right, that is IT! I am SICK OF THIS! I cannot work here any longer! You people are INSANE, do you know that? And YOU, Bob, are the most insane one of them all!"
"If I only had a brain..."
"ARGH!"
So Bling quit his job, and...
[[Um, excuse me.]]
Hmmm, what? Oh! Well, look everyone! Here's the man of the hour now! How's it going, Bling?
[[I didn't authorize this...this...INFLAMMATORY disgrace to my good name!]]
Inflammatory? Dear Bling, whatever do you mean? In no way have we intended to make any individual hurt or angry.
[[Well, uh, I sure am.]]
Hmph, fine. You'd be better at relating your life's story, anyhow. Why don't you tell us all how you came to be the prominent, successful man you are today?
[[All right. First of all, I have no problem whatsoever forming contractions, nor do any of my friends, acquaintances, or relatives. We're all actually quite good at it. Second of all, while I did work at Subway at one time, what's been described is definitely not the reason I had to leave. Ya see, I was set up.]]
SET UP?!
[[Yyyyup.]]
*gasp*
[[I know, I was shocked too. Anyway, that Psycho Bob character you were talking about. He challenged me to I guess what you could call a roller-blading competition of sorts. We didn't get along, you see, and he thought this was a good way to settle our differences. I thought so, too. What can I say? I was young, naïve, stupid. But yeah. The deal was, you had to pull off the coolest run. I had an idea of what I wanted to do, so I asked him, "is there a law against roller-blading down an escalator," and he goes "naw, of course not." Well, turns out there is. I was arrested. I was fired. It was a set-up.]]
Sounds to me like he just didn't know it was against the law.
[[Well what do you know anyway? You're just some Magical Disembodied Voice.]]
Hey, I resent that! But moving on, how in the world did you manage to get yourself out of jail and pull your life back together?
[[It wasn't easy, I'll tell ya that. But luckily, that thing about how your first minor conviction is wiped off your record came into play, so I got to have myself a nice, clean slate. Not like it did any good. I'd gotten sick of living with Vinny (anyone would...I mean, the only thing the guy can say is "SCREEEEE"), so I'd moved outta there into this run-down place of my own. Landlord evicted me as soon as I got arrested, though, so I took to squatting in the south end. I lived with this guy Randy who liked to dress up as a fairy princess, tiara and everything. Our only piece of furniture was an empty pizza box on a cinder block, our only kitchen utensil a dull butter knife which doubled as a razor, and our only shampoo 25.78 years old. That's why I started shaving my head. I look better bald, anyway. Continuing, that situation didn't last long, as you can imagine. See, Randy had never really trusted me, and when he lost his tiara I was the guy he decided to blame. I remember our confrontation like it was yesterday..."man, you took my tiara!" "Did not." "Did too." "Did not!" "Did so!" He eventually kicked my azz but good, and I was like "screw this" and went off to search for greener pastures.]]
Wait wait wait...he kicked YOUR azz? You lift weights, for the Blue Lady's sake!
[[Yeah, I know, but he knew a lot of martial arts and that's all about technique, not strength.]]
Whatever.
[[Exactly. Moving on, I thought all hope was lost. My life was like a rainy day in Seattle.]]
Um...
[[Nevermind, bad smilie. Anywho, I was sitting there begging in the streets one day when along came this guy. Looked like a real...um...what's a good derogatory term to describe a rich person?]]
Snob?
[[No, no, too cliché.]]
Eh...ya got me there.
[[Ah, well, not important. This guy, he comes up to me...]]
What's with switching verb tenses?
[[Look would you just shut up and let me tell my story?!]]
*speechless*
[[All right. He came up to me and said, "you look like you lift weights." "Sure do," I replied. He had me stand up, lift some stuff, the standard. Asked me what I knew about fitness. I rattled off everything I'd ever read in any book, everything I'd gained in my own experience, even some random pearls of wisdom I'd picked up. He was pleased, asked if I'd ever considered being a personal trainer/bodyguard. "Of course!" I said. And he said, "good. Cuz I'm looking for one, and you seem perfect for the job. Come by my place later tonight." He scribbled his name and address on a piece of paper and then went to leave, but not before adding with a chuckle "oh, and that had better be a banana." To this day, I don't know what he was getting at.]]
*snicker*
[[Anyway, the rest is history, as they say. That guy, of course, was Logan Cale, and he totally hooked me up. I train maybe 20 people now besides him, and I've got a whole drawer of nice, itchy sweaters and even some butter knives that are actually sharp.]]
Well, good to hear it. And thanks for stopping by.
[[Glad to. But anymore of your silly "dramatizations," and I'll make sure Logan's very good genetically engi...er, personal cat burglar kicks your azz as well as Randy kicked mine, if not better.]]
He has his own personal cat burglar?
[[Of course, he's rich.]]
Good point. Well, anyhoozle, there you have it folks. The man, the mystery, is really...nothing but a bum. Seriously, that's all he is. He wouldn't be anywhere if it weren't for Eyes...erm, Logan Cale! He'd probably be dead in an alley somewhere! What a waste of perfectly good airtime...eh, too late now. Join us next time on the E! True Non-Hollywood Story when we explore the life and times of famed JamPony employer Reagan "Normal" Ronald. Good night!
ITEMS:
1. binoculars
2. an itchy sweater*
3. shampoo*
4. an empty pizza box*
5. a tiara*
6. a magic trick
7. half-eaten doughnut*
8. salad tongs*
9. cherry lip gloss*
10. a butter knife (preferably dull)*
LINES:
1. "Would you like some ham with that?" *
2. "I meant to do that."
3. "If I only had a brain..." *
4. "That had better be a banana." *
5. "I want mine super-sized."
6. "Is there a law against roller-blading down an escalator?" *
7. "Here kitty, kitty, kitty..."
8. "It's always Bling, Bling, Bling." *
9. "SCREEEEE!" *
10. "I'll trade you for a lava lamp." *
11. "Is it edible?" *
12. "Did not." "Did too." "Did not!" "Did so!" *
HOO HOO! Note that stuff between the // is being said by an E! crewmember/stagehand type person and stuff between the [[ ]] is being said by the real Bling. :)
Our Good Friend MR. DISCLAIMER: I don't own the E! network and actually think it's a pointless waste of cable space. I don't own Dark Angel but I obviously can do whatever the frook I want with it, as well as can other fanfic writers, so your little copywrite shiznit doesn't really work, does it? Haha. Loopholes are fun.
*ahem*
And now, for your literary enjoyment:
THE E! TRUE NON-HOLLYWOOD STORY PRESENTS THE LIFE AND TIMES OF BLING
*************************************
Hello, I'm a Magical Disembodied Voice, and you're watching the E! True Non-Hollywod Story. Tonight...he's tall, he's bald, I think he's got an earring (don't quote me on that). Some even go so far as to say that he resembles Mr. Clean. But who IS the man behind the itchy sweater? Who is the REAL Bling? Well, folks, today we go beyond the legend and trample a few dozen trespassing and privacy laws to bring you the answer to that very question.
He may now be the famed personal trainer and bodyguard of Eyes On...
//Um!//
Oh, right. LOGAN CALE, but he wasn't always so fortunate, nor did he always have just the right amount of muscle to make drool certain unnamed female inhabitants of a certain unnamed on-line message board. Long ago, he was just a boy, with a dream, in a slum, living on half-eaten doughnuts and cherry lip gloss (don't ask because personally, I don't want to bother finding out). Let's pick up where we couldn't possibly have left off since this isn't a sequel and we haven't yet had a commercial break:
(NOTE: This is a dramatization, and a fairly crappy one at that.)
"Bling, that does it! You are not playing with those...WEIGHTS of yours anymore! I am sick and tired of having to explain to our obviously evil slumlord why heavy metal objects keep crashing through our badly decomposed floorboards which definitely should not be strong enough to hold us up any longer and landing in the living room of the stereotypically grumpy old man downstairs!"
"But, Mom! If I do not work out, I will never get to be a personal trainer!"
"GOD, it is always Bling, Bling, Bling! Well, little man, why do you not think of someone other than yourself for a change? There are 15 other people in this apartment if you count the rats, and we all have needs and dreams, too!"
"But MOOOOM!"
"Hey, if you do not like it, you can move out!"
Well, he DIDN'T like it, folks. So he packed up his favorite pair of salad tongs and moved in with his not-so-good friend Vinny, who didn't have much of a vocabulary...
"So, Vin. I am thinking of applying for a job at the Subway down the street. What do you think? Is it below someone of my obviously better-than-average weight lifting skills?"
"SCREEEEE!"
"Yes, that is true. That is one of the great things about America, is it not? The ability to work one's way up? But still, I feel as though..."
"SCREEEEE!"
"Yes, I know, but..."
"SCREEEEE!"
"Okay, okay. You do not have to go crazy."
So our hero applied for a job at Subway and was promptly hired for his uncanny ability to build any sandwich (and I'm talking ANY SANDWICH) in under 16.32 seconds. But it was not all fun and games, no. Some pretty *unsavory* characters hung around that particular Subway, you see, and many employees subsequently fled the restaurant, eventually leaving the counter only to Bling and Psycho Bob. But Psycho Bob didn't do much beyond sit in the corner singing "if I only had a brain...," so he doesn't count. Anyway, the handsome...um...guy was able to deal with this for a good 11.2 workdays, until one encounter finally rode the elephant's leg...
//Um, I believe the phrase you're looking for is "broke the camel's back."//
Puh, whatever. Just roll the footage.
"Doo da doo da doo...oh, hello! May I take your order?"
"*eyes dart nervously* I do not know man, can you? HUH HUH, CAN YOU, PUNK?!"
"Um..."
"CAN...YOU TAKE...THE PRESSURE?!"
"I am...fairly certain that I can."
"All righty then. I want one of those newfangled Cold Cut Extravaganzas you have got going on."
"Excellent choice, sir. Would you like some ham with that?"
"*ponders for a moment* Is it edible?"
"Ex...cuse me?"
"The ham. Is it edible?"
"Um...one would think, yes, it is edible."
"*bites lips and ponders some more* All right, man. I will trade you for a lava lamp."
"W...what?!"
"The ham. I will trade it to you for a lava lamp."
"But...you do not have the ham!"
"*impatient sigh* YOU will sell ME the ham and I will RETURN IT to YOU for a LAVA LAMP!!"
"But I do not have a lava lamp!"
"THEN WE DO NOT HAVE A DEAL!!"
Now our young Bling, he stood there for a moment, staring at this apparent lunatic with thousands and thousands of inappropriate and violent thoughts flowing through his mind. Finally, he threw caution to the wind and let himself go.
"All right, that is IT! I am SICK OF THIS! I cannot work here any longer! You people are INSANE, do you know that? And YOU, Bob, are the most insane one of them all!"
"If I only had a brain..."
"ARGH!"
So Bling quit his job, and...
[[Um, excuse me.]]
Hmmm, what? Oh! Well, look everyone! Here's the man of the hour now! How's it going, Bling?
[[I didn't authorize this...this...INFLAMMATORY disgrace to my good name!]]
Inflammatory? Dear Bling, whatever do you mean? In no way have we intended to make any individual hurt or angry.
[[Well, uh, I sure am.]]
Hmph, fine. You'd be better at relating your life's story, anyhow. Why don't you tell us all how you came to be the prominent, successful man you are today?
[[All right. First of all, I have no problem whatsoever forming contractions, nor do any of my friends, acquaintances, or relatives. We're all actually quite good at it. Second of all, while I did work at Subway at one time, what's been described is definitely not the reason I had to leave. Ya see, I was set up.]]
SET UP?!
[[Yyyyup.]]
*gasp*
[[I know, I was shocked too. Anyway, that Psycho Bob character you were talking about. He challenged me to I guess what you could call a roller-blading competition of sorts. We didn't get along, you see, and he thought this was a good way to settle our differences. I thought so, too. What can I say? I was young, naïve, stupid. But yeah. The deal was, you had to pull off the coolest run. I had an idea of what I wanted to do, so I asked him, "is there a law against roller-blading down an escalator," and he goes "naw, of course not." Well, turns out there is. I was arrested. I was fired. It was a set-up.]]
Sounds to me like he just didn't know it was against the law.
[[Well what do you know anyway? You're just some Magical Disembodied Voice.]]
Hey, I resent that! But moving on, how in the world did you manage to get yourself out of jail and pull your life back together?
[[It wasn't easy, I'll tell ya that. But luckily, that thing about how your first minor conviction is wiped off your record came into play, so I got to have myself a nice, clean slate. Not like it did any good. I'd gotten sick of living with Vinny (anyone would...I mean, the only thing the guy can say is "SCREEEEE"), so I'd moved outta there into this run-down place of my own. Landlord evicted me as soon as I got arrested, though, so I took to squatting in the south end. I lived with this guy Randy who liked to dress up as a fairy princess, tiara and everything. Our only piece of furniture was an empty pizza box on a cinder block, our only kitchen utensil a dull butter knife which doubled as a razor, and our only shampoo 25.78 years old. That's why I started shaving my head. I look better bald, anyway. Continuing, that situation didn't last long, as you can imagine. See, Randy had never really trusted me, and when he lost his tiara I was the guy he decided to blame. I remember our confrontation like it was yesterday..."man, you took my tiara!" "Did not." "Did too." "Did not!" "Did so!" He eventually kicked my azz but good, and I was like "screw this" and went off to search for greener pastures.]]
Wait wait wait...he kicked YOUR azz? You lift weights, for the Blue Lady's sake!
[[Yeah, I know, but he knew a lot of martial arts and that's all about technique, not strength.]]
Whatever.
[[Exactly. Moving on, I thought all hope was lost. My life was like a rainy day in Seattle.]]
Um...
[[Nevermind, bad smilie. Anywho, I was sitting there begging in the streets one day when along came this guy. Looked like a real...um...what's a good derogatory term to describe a rich person?]]
Snob?
[[No, no, too cliché.]]
Eh...ya got me there.
[[Ah, well, not important. This guy, he comes up to me...]]
What's with switching verb tenses?
[[Look would you just shut up and let me tell my story?!]]
*speechless*
[[All right. He came up to me and said, "you look like you lift weights." "Sure do," I replied. He had me stand up, lift some stuff, the standard. Asked me what I knew about fitness. I rattled off everything I'd ever read in any book, everything I'd gained in my own experience, even some random pearls of wisdom I'd picked up. He was pleased, asked if I'd ever considered being a personal trainer/bodyguard. "Of course!" I said. And he said, "good. Cuz I'm looking for one, and you seem perfect for the job. Come by my place later tonight." He scribbled his name and address on a piece of paper and then went to leave, but not before adding with a chuckle "oh, and that had better be a banana." To this day, I don't know what he was getting at.]]
*snicker*
[[Anyway, the rest is history, as they say. That guy, of course, was Logan Cale, and he totally hooked me up. I train maybe 20 people now besides him, and I've got a whole drawer of nice, itchy sweaters and even some butter knives that are actually sharp.]]
Well, good to hear it. And thanks for stopping by.
[[Glad to. But anymore of your silly "dramatizations," and I'll make sure Logan's very good genetically engi...er, personal cat burglar kicks your azz as well as Randy kicked mine, if not better.]]
He has his own personal cat burglar?
[[Of course, he's rich.]]
Good point. Well, anyhoozle, there you have it folks. The man, the mystery, is really...nothing but a bum. Seriously, that's all he is. He wouldn't be anywhere if it weren't for Eyes...erm, Logan Cale! He'd probably be dead in an alley somewhere! What a waste of perfectly good airtime...eh, too late now. Join us next time on the E! True Non-Hollywood Story when we explore the life and times of famed JamPony employer Reagan "Normal" Ronald. Good night!