My knuckles rap on the door of 108 Mifflin Street. I can see my breath in the cold winter air as I wait for the woman inside to grant me access. I blow hot air into my palms until the door swings open to reveal Regina. The rest of the town might still see her as the Evil Queen, but not me. It's been a long time since I could see her as anything other than just Regina. When I look at her standing there holding the door open, I can see why she texted me earlier to come over tonight. Her shoulders are slumped in a most un-mayorally fashion. Her eyes are dull, so unlike the bright browns that she shows the rest of the world. It's okay though, because I know just what she needs.
She nods her head at me. That is the only invitation I need to step across the threshold of the mansion. We don't exchange many words on nights like these, in favor of other forms of communication. She snags my hand in hers as she walks past and I follow her, powerless to do anything else.
When we first started this arrangement, it was a surprise to both of us. Neither of us could imagine that we would find this kind of release in each others arms. Sometimes things are very one sided, the entire night focused on the other's needs. On occasion we fall asleep afterward. Henry has caught a few of my early morning escapes. Regina doesn't know about that and Henry and I intend to keep it that way. He's old enough to know that sometimes adults need their privacy.
She leads me upstairs to her bedroom and closes the door behind us. She makes her way into the bathroom to complete her nightly routine and I slip my red leather jacket off and drape it across the chaise. When she opens the door she is fresh faced without a bit of makeup, one of my old sweatshirts I accidentally left here after one of our nights, engulfs her small frame. The outfit is finished with a pair of loose yoga pants, I can't help thinking she's never looked more beautiful.
She stands there unsure, her fingers twist around each other until she presses her hand flat against her stomach. It's the same nervous ritual every time. I hope one day she can abandon the need to think twice about our arrangement. I look into her eyes from across the room as I walk to the bed and lay down.
"Come here, Sweetheart." The first words spoken this evening, but not the last. I know she needs to hear them. To be reassured that this is okay. She bites her lip and I see her shoulders sag as she sighs. Her bare feet carry her to the opposite side of the bed, where she fights another bout of insecurity. I reach out and grab her hand, and that is all it takes. She climbs on the bed and lays on her side facing me.
I brush the hair out of her face and stroke her cheek with the pads of my fingers. My arms slide around her, one supports her neck, the other wraps around her slender waist. The first time we did this, I was amazed at how light the imposing woman was. With a gentle tug she slides close to me and buries her face in my neck.
I feel her breath as it caresses my neck. Her body tenses in my arms a moment before she begins to let go. The tears cascade down her face and land in warm dots across my neck and shoulder. My hands begin to stroke a familiar path up and down her back.
"Let it all go, Regina, I've got you. You're safe." Her sobs get louder. My fingers thread through her hair when I feel her gather my shirt and curl her hands into tight fists against my chest. I kiss the crown of hair beneath my chin. My hand works it's way under the sweatshirt she wears. I know the skin to skin contact does wonders for her, but I am always careful never to tread further than her lower back, that's not what I'm here for.
After about half an hour, her crying gets softer until only an occasional sniffle is heard. I try to pull back to check in with her visually, but her fists clench in my shirt and won't let me move.
"Shh...I'm not going any where, honey." She nods against me, as she begins to relax in my embrace. Tonight was pretty bad, but I don't ask what happened. Sometimes she tells me and sometimes she doesn't and that's okay. We respect each others boundaries. I pull the covers up around us and flick my wrist to extinguish the light, sensing she needs to be held throughout the night. I close my eyes, as I feel her breath start to even out and her body get heavy with exhaustion.
This is a part of Regina that no one else, not even Henry gets to see. When she needs to fall apart, I come and hold the pieces together for her.
This is why I'm here.