A/N: This is a one-shot-Edward/Bella story. It takes place during New Moon, after the Cullens have left Forks and is told from Edward's point of view. The plot is loosely based on my interpretation of the song Twilight by Thriving Ivory.
I hated leaving her that way. Leaving at all was hard enough, but telling her I didn't love her was all but impossible. The words seemed to scorch my throat far more than any thirst I've ever felt before or since. And the way she looked back at me…completely convinced of what I was saying. Only she could believe I didn't want her anymore…anyone else would have seen right through me. Of course, the one person who truly knows me would get it wrong. The idea of it makes me sick. I would hate her for believing me if I wasn't so horribly in love with her.
I've never done anything as hard as walking out of Bella's life. Every fight with every monster, especially myself, to keep her breathing was nothing in comparison. But I had to. No matter what, I found myself hurting her. This may be the worse hurt of all of them, but I promise it will be the last from me.
I wonder how it would make her feel to learn that she's still all I think about. Maybe even more so than before. I still feel the same intense love for her. I feel guilt for lying; for hurting her. I miss her more than I ever thought possible. Mostly, I feel longing. I long to be near her, hear her sweet voice, catch her luscious scent, and feel the warmth of her beautiful skin. I want to be with her, to make the pain go away. For the both of us.
I don't even know how she's doing. Alice has been watching, but that only does so much good. She can only see Bella's choices, not the choices others make concerning her. If there were an accident, I could never get there in time. If someone else plotted against her, I would never be able to save her. All I can do is protect her from herself, and she already promised. Bella's a good person; she keeps her promises…unlike myself.
A part of me feels hypocritical. I always told Bella there was a choice, but I constantly took hers away. She wanted me. After I told her it was wrong, unsafe. She still chose me. She's not stupid. Whether she wanted to believe or not, she knew the risks of being involved with my family and me. Still, she chose us. Me. She chose me, and I told her no. Another part of me, the stronger part, thinks the hypocrite in me is just my selfishness in disguise. I'd love to be able to go back to her without feeling I was doing the wrong thing.
If I could just see her, to know how she's doing, maybe it would ease some of my longing. I'd still want to be with her, of course. But maybe knowing she was okay, safe and hopefully on her way to being happy, maybe I would feel reassured. I just want to know I'm doing the right thing by staying away from her. And as long as I know she's alright, I can go back to missing her terribly and possibly leave a little of my guilt behind in Forks.
- - -
A day later I was back in my room. It was empty of course, as was the rest of the house, but it still felt more like home than the woods. It was still morning, and Bella was in school. I half-heartedly hoped she was spending the day talking to friends, laughing and making plans for the upcoming weekend. The other half of my heart hoped she wasn't. It hoped she was too heart-sick to do anything but miss me the way I missed her. I truly was a monster. How could I want that for someone I loved so deeply? How could anyone?
I spent the day planning all the ways I could catch a glimpse of Bella in the next 24-hours. If I went to the school and hid in the forest that surrounded it I could spend the next 6 hours listening to the thoughts of her classmates. I could see her exquisite face through the eyes of her friends, and maybe even hear her voice. If I stayed long enough for the final bell I could watch her walk to her truck. Maybe I could leave something in it for her…a note, or even a flower. Of course she would know immediately who it was from, and as much as I desperately wanted to make contact with her, she couldn't know I'd come back.
After school was over what would she do? Where would she go? Probably home, it was what she had always done before. Then again, she had always known that as soon as she entered her room I would be waiting for her. If I had ever had the promise of Bella I would have rushed to my room every night too. But…what if she didn't go home? What if she went out with friends, or to see a friend…or a boyfriend? Surely she wouldn't have moved on that quickly, not after what she and I had shared. Though, I suppose she would have every right to. And wasn't that what I had wanted anyway, for her to go on with her life and find happiness somewhere else? If she left school and went to Mike Newton's house I didn't know what I would do.
I couldn't let myself entertain that idea. I may have wanted those things for her, eventually, but I wasn't ready to face them so soon. I decided to stick to my new plan and started out, on foot, to Forks High School.
It was a long day. At first, I thought she must have stayed home for no one had said anything to her all day. I was about to head to her house when I realized that if she were missing, surely someone would have thought about why she wasn't in school. They would be wondering if she were okay, whether or not they should call or stop by after class. But they weren't. In fact, no one was thinking about her at all. This discovery nearly sent me into a panic. How could no one be thinking of her? What did it mean? Where was she?
Just as I considered running to her home once more, her face popped into my mind. This face however wasn't the one I remembered. My Bella was beautiful, albeit a bit shy and embarrassed looking. This Bella looked haggard. Her hair was messy, her eyes dark. She didn't look shy or embarrassed, she looked dead. She was sitting in class looking straight ahead; I couldn't even tell if she was blinking. Poor Bella, I wonder if I offered to talk or spend some time with her if she would even accept. Probably not, knowing her. I just feel so sorry. The owner of these thoughts looked back to her notes. It was Bella's friend Angela, the only one I had ever liked. I liked her now too. And she was right; Bella would never accept an offer of help. Every few minutes Angela would look up, and Bella would still be sitting the same way. She looked like a corpse someone had simply propped up at a desk. She was heartbreaking.
When the bell rang I saw Angela gather her things and walk into the hallway. She was the only one who seemed to notice Bella at all that day. I wanted to cry. I hated them all for not caring the way Angela did. Most of all, I hated myself for turning the love of my existence into a zombie. At least she was safe, though obviously no where near happy. I could only hope the last few months had simply not been enough time for her to heal. Humans, however fragile, were still very resilient. It was in their nature to forget things. Eventually, her mind would change Bella's memory of me. The good ones wouldn't seem so wonderful and the bad would become less painful. One day, her mind would probably tell her it was for the best after all. That was all I could hope for, no matter how much it hurt me.
At the end of the school day I waited for Bella to appear at the edge of the parking lot. She was one of the first from the building, not hanging back to chat with her classmates. She walked at an even pace, her eyes glued to the ground. I wanted to run to her. I wanted to scoop her up into my arms and apologize for everything I had ever done to her. She would cry and I would kiss away her tears while begging her forgiveness. But I knew I couldn't. It would be cruel to play with Bella anymore than I already had, she couldn't know I'd come back to see her.
Once Bella's truck was on the road away from the school I trekked back through the woods to her house. I stayed hidden in the trees that faced the back of her house. Through the windows I could see her walk into the small kitchen. I watched as she slowly assembled ingredients from the refrigerator and cupboards, and then began preparing dinner for herself and her father. An hour later I listened as Charlie's cruiser pulled into the driveway at the front of the house. He was feeling anxious, though I couldn't hear why exactly. A moment later I heard the front door open and shut again.
"Bells?"
"Yeah, dad."
"How was school?" He had asked this cautiously, like he already knew what she would tell him, and it wasn't an answer he wanted. I didn't need to be a mind-reader to know what Bella would tell him.
"School was fine."
Whenever Bella was fine she was anything but. I could tell Charlie knew this too, but he didn't push. They ate dinner in silence. The only sounds from their tiny table were the scrapping of utensils on the ceramic plates and their chewing. When they had finished, Bella washed the dishes while Charlie sat at the table, watching her work just as I was. His eyes were fixed on the back of her head, his forehead wrinkled with worry. Upon finishing, Bella turned and met her father's gaze. I'd never seen her face remain expressionless for such a long amount of time. Normally every feeling was played on her features. Charlie was thinking the same thing. Bella must not be feeling anything anymore.
She wished her father goodnight and started for the stairs while Charlie's eyes trailed after her. Once she was out of his line of sight he stood and went to the living room. I watched Bella's bedroom window, waiting for her to appear. Finally she was there. She sat at her desk and pulled out her school books. She sat quietly, intent on her work. She didn't look up, she didn't take a break. At last she put down her pen and returned her things to her book bag. Then she sat. I wanted to see her face. I wanted to make her smile again.
As if she could hear my thoughts she turned to look out her window. It was twilight then, and the normally grey sky was now full of reds and oranges. She couldn't see me, I knew, but her eyes seemed to be boring right into the spot where I stood watching her. Then, I saw her draw in a particularly deep breath and pull her hands to her stomach. She looked pained. She didn't move except to breathe. What I wouldn't give to know what she was thinking. Finally she stood, still holding herself. She looked at me without seeing me for another second before turning and leaving her room. I waited for her to return, but then I heard the shower start and I knew it would be a while before I saw her again.
I knew I should stay where I was; it wasn't safe to chance much else. But I was a vampire after all, and I had snuck in and out of her room undetected many times before. Before I had made the conscience decision I was on my way to the tree outside her window. The window was already open so I held my breath and climbed through. Once I was inside I moved to the center of her bedroom and took one deep breath. Immediately all my senses were screaming Bella's name. It was as strong at the first time I'd smelled her, but there was no bloodlust now. I couldn't get enough. I was inhaling as quickly and as deeply as I could. I would have been lightheaded had I been human.
As I looked around, nothing seemed to have changed. Then I saw her bed. It was the same as it had always been, but it suddenly seemed very inviting. It had only been a couple of minutes and I could still hear the water running across the hall. I slowly stepped forward and when I had reached the edge, climbed into it. It smelled so much of Bella, it was intoxicating. My chest ached. I missed everything about Bella and now that I was closer to her than I had been in months I was more heartbroken than ever. I wanted to soak up as much of her as I could. I covered myself in her blankets and buried my face into her pillow. I took breaths through my nose and out of my mouth, not wanting to let any of her scent escape me. I stayed that way, wishing I were snuggled up next to her and not her bedspread, until the water stopped. My eyes snapped open and I grudgingly righted her bed again and made my way back into her tree.
A few moments later Bella re-entered her room. Her hair was wet and her cheeks were flushed. She looked so small in her baggy sweats. She turned for her bed and climbed in. She soon took the same position I had held just minutes earlier. No sooner had she closed her eyes than they opened again. She took in one shaky breath and held it. Her hands moved backed to her stomach as she slowly let it out. I could hear her heartbeat quicken. She took a few more breaths…was she smelling her own pillow? Then I heard it, her breathing hitched. She took her pillow off the bed and flung it at window, almost throwing it to the ground outside it. In the same movement she pulled her blankets up to cover her face. Then she was crying. Not just crying, but sobbing.
She stayed that way for over an hour. It took every ounce of will power I had not to go to her. I wanted to comfort her more than I had ever wanted anything, but I knew I couldn't. Instead, I watched, feeling the same grief she felt and having no way to expel it. Eventually, her sobbing slowed and she was asleep. I waited and watched her. I hated not being able to see any part of her. I couldn't help myself any longer. I went into her room and snuck to her bedside. Her breathing was steady; slow and deep. She was sleeping. I got to my knees and very carefully pulled the blanket away from her, exposing just her face. I sat that way for another 4 hours, watching her.
It was hard to just watch her. I wanted to hold her, and to kiss her hair. To whisper that I loved her like I always had while she slept. Well, that much I could do. I started, so quietly there would be no way she could hear, even if she were awake, "Bella, I lo-", when she cut me off with her own whispers, "Edward."
It was so eerie that I froze; waiting to see that she really was asleep. She was. Her pulse and breathing were the same as they had been a few moments ago. "I love you Edward."
I wanted to smile, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. She still loved me. I had hurt this poor girl so much, and here she was…dreaming of me still. I didn't deserve her love. I didn't deserve any part of her.
"Please…don't…"
"Wait…"
"I'm sorry…"
"Stay…"
Why was she sorry? She had never done anything wrong. She must not be dreaming of me anymore. But then, who else would she want to stay? "I love you Bella", I whispered. Her forehead was slightly wrinkled.
"Edward…"
She was dreaming of me. What was I doing? I closed my eyes and let out a long sigh. I shouldn't have come back. Any dream I'd had of leaving my guilt behind was now gone. I'd hurt Bella worse than I had thought, and still she wanted me. And I wanted her more than ever. I pressed my face into my hands. I was so deep in my own anguish it was a moment or two before I realized Bella had stopped breathing. My head shot up and there she was, staring at me.
I didn't move. I didn't dare. What would I have done anyway? Leave? I couldn't now. Should I comfort her, when it was my fault she was in so much pain to begin with? She didn't move either. Her eyes were wide but she just stared. We sat this way for an eternity before the tears started. I couldn't help it this time; I cupped the side of her face with my palm and wiped her tears away with my thumb. She was so warm. As soon as I had touched her she'd stopped breathing again. She slowly reached up and grasped my hand. She pulled it away from her face and studied it for a moment. Then her eyes met mine again and in the smallest voice asked me, "Are you real?"
"Bella?"
"Are you real? You're not really here are you?"
With the last sentence a new wave of tears had started. She thought she was dreaming.
"Yes love, I'm real." I moved to wiped away her tears again but they were coming as quickly as I could get rid of them. "Can I lay with you?"
She nodded and I crawled back into her bed. I wrapped an arm under her body and gently pulled her into me. I would have been content holding her forever but I knew she would never let me. I had a lot to own up to, and if she never forgave me I would deserve that. She nuzzled her face into my chest and ran my fingers through her hair. Finally she spoke.
"Why are you here?"
I sighed. "I wanted to be sure you were okay. I was planning on leaving in the morning." She started to cry. "Okay" she said, barely audible. That surprised me. She still felt I didn't want her. She was going to let me go without one word of protest. It was agonizing.
"Bella…I didn't mean it."
"What?"
"I thought it would be best for you if I left. I've only ever hurt you…even now I'm hurting you. You're human, I thought your world would go on spinning whether or not I was apart of it. But I need you Bella. I never wanted to leave. I just thought it was the right thing to do. I'm so sorry for what I've done. I do love you, more than anyone has ever loved anything or anybody. Won't you keep me?"
She didn't say anything. She didn't even look at me. She just laid still, her face buried in my chest. I couldn't tell if she was crying. Probably she was in shock.
"Bella?"
What if she didn't want me anymore? I could hardly blame her. I was even more of a monster than when she had first met me. At least then I would have merely killed her. Instead I was dragging her emotions through the mud. I was maiming her.
"Are…are you sure you want me?"
What? "Bella, love…do you know what you're asking? Yes, I want you. I've never wanted anything as desperately as I want you. The question is whether or not you still want me, after everything I've done." Was I sure I wanted her? Was she serious? I gently pulled her face upwards so I could look into her face. Then I had my answer…yes, she was serious.
"Bella, how can you honestly believe I would just throw you away? I know I told you I didn't want you but I didn't mean it. I could hardly say it. And you didn't even question it, you just believed me whole-heartedly. Why?"
She bit her lip and her eyes welled up yet again. "I just…I don't see why…I'm not…You're…We're so…" She struggled to come up with words and came up short. I brushed away a falling tear and pulled her face up to mine. We were less than an inch apart now.
"Bella, I love you. You're smart, and silly, and unique. You always surprise me, and you're a magnificent person. You're so beautiful. If you don't feel you're good enough for me it's only because you can't see yourself the way others do. You're more than good enough for me, you're too good for me. After everything I've done you still question yourself, and never me. Bella tell me, do you still want me?"
She nodded slightly, our eyes still locked.
"I love you Edward."
I smiled and closed the small gap between us as my lips met hers. Bella took a breath and sighed, our lips still locked. I could her lips twisting into the tiniest smile, and I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders. My heart was back were it belonged, right or wrong be damned.
A/N: This is my first completed story and reviews would be greatly appreciated. Thank you, I hope you enjoyed.