So…bloody…tired…
And so cold, it's freezing. Can I still feel my hands and feet?
Damn Robards. Damn Kingsley. Damn the whole bloody Ministry.
I'm so exhausted, and everything hurts, and I sure as hell do not trust myself enough to Apparate in this state.
This damn training. This fucking bootcamp! And I reckon they expect me to come waltzing in tomorrow morning like I haven't been reduced to a sweaty punching bag for the last seven days.
Actually, how is it so hot? Everything's frozen, yet I feel sweat dripping down the back of my head.
Merlin's pants, I'm hungry. I need a sandwich and a place to collapse.
I wonder if Gin's still up. I miss her.
Ron, where the hell are you, mate? I bet the prat's over at Hermione's, snogging, and I'm just sitting here, waiting in the Atrium like an idiot. Like I wouldn't like to hold Ginny, and kiss her, and love her right now.
Are those footsteps? Oh, there he is. And looking smug nonetheless, the git, shamelessly grinning at me.
He's selling me some cock and bull excuse, but I'm just too tired to register. So tired…And so cold, I think I'm shivering. Am I really shivering?
Somehow, I manage to land in front of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place (did Ron drop me here? I can't remember…), and I am surprised to see the bedroom light still on. My feelings of hate and anger towards this lame excuse for a house, for those walls that have been Sirius' prison, they have not changed, but Hermione is right – how is she always right? Sirius wanted me to have it and create something new out of this living hell, so I might as well respect his last wish. For now. Maybe in a couple of years –
What was I saying? I can't remember. I'm losing my train of thought.
It's summer inside the house. I need to take my clothes off immediately. This shirt is suffocating me, it's strangling me. I'm melting.
I do not recall shoving off my boots and robe. I do not recall climbing up those endless stairs. All I know is I was heading towards the bed, when she made me freeze, Ginny. I think I might have climbed too high, I might have arrived somewhere in heaven.
Winter must've crawled inside my bedroom, hiding away during my absence. A strange warmth and icy chills hit me so hard, I nearly lose all consciousness. I wobble towards her, as the wall runs further away from my outstretched hand. I can't feel it anymore.
The freckles of her dainty skin seem to me to always swarm around. They swim and twist and twirl, changing their places, making a fool out of me every time I try to reach for them. They come together and create constellations of the night sky, spinning and whirling until I'm drunk and dizzy. I see them forming Perseus on her right leg, with Per, its brightest star, nestled just below her bruised knee. That bruise might be a black hole, and I might just tumble into another dimension, if only I can stretch my finger far enough.
On her back, along her spine, I swear I can see the Aquila, hunched like an eagle ready to capture its prey. Just like her, when she's up there, on her broom, dominating the pitch with that blazing look. My love is terrifying, my love is breathtaking. And high above, Altair is shining bright just between her shoulder blades. There's the Milky Way, pouring down, enveloping her muscles as they flex, washing away the pain buried inside of them. She's very strong, Ginny, and her strength makes stars collide as she moves, carelessly and delicately through the Universe. She's my universe; my world begins and ends with her, with those flaming locks stretched throughout the canopy.
They touch the glowing Sun and ignite magnificently. She wears her blazing hair like a crown, radiating such warmth wherever she goes. I feel her heat whenever I look at her, letting myself drain into those chocolate eyes. They drape my skin in a fire so hot, I pray it never ends. Her eyes, they hold stars within. I can see them underneath her heavy lids, I can see their sparkle. Sirius and Canopus, the two brightest stars, the two celestials burning hotter than the setting Sun. Her gaze is scorching, and her gaze is light. I could bathe in their afterglow eternally.
Ginevra is an asteroid; she crashed brutally into my life, and the ripples of the impact, of the force she carries, I can still feel them pounding inside my chest. They knock against my walls, they're shaking my whole being. She makes my heart beat in a wild frenzy, she makes me want to reach out for the Moon. But look, down there, Cassiopeia, the vain queen, she's encircling her wrist in a fiery lock. Up and down her graceful arm, Orion has sent his dogs to hunt. They must be searching for Cygnus, the gentle swan, with her wings spread out in the horizon. They don't know, but she is hiding beneath her ear, weaving and unweaving in a twist of feathers.
Castor and Pollux, the wanton twins, dance on top of her button little nose. They play and they jump, just like another pair of twins I used to know, way back in a different life. Hercules battles the lion in a wicked war unraveling on her chest. They roll and spar beneath her left breast, where a thick coat of freckles stands for the blood the vanquished leaves behind every passing day. Their vicious fight is neverending, and Regulus' ray of light keeps shining blindingly every time brave Leo swings its grim claws.
Her freckles spell out constellations, and they build a Galaxy in front of me. She reminds me of a starry night, as I was lying lonely on a grassy hill, close to Privet Drive. Unbeknownst to me, I was staring at her, basking in her beauty. For she is the stars, the Sun and the sky on which my life plays out. I am dizzy, stricken by this revelation. The world revolves around me, it crushes mercilessly into me.
I hear an echo, smooth and calming like the sound of rain upon my window in the roaring storm. I know it, as my heart sings to it every moment of every hour. It's calling me to her, from the depths of the black hole I've fallen through. She must be light, for I am darkness. A ball of flame licks the insides of my sternum, melting, melting everything. From the ice of my heart, a small kindle ignites. I can feel it growing, tickling. Everything grows dark again.
The world is a blur. My mind is a blur. I can see a smile, worried, hanging over me. It's hers and she makes flowers grow in the middle of winter when she curls her lips so dashingly. It's very cold, I'm shivering and drowning deep within a lake of frost.
I'm so exhausted, weak from struggling. I just want to sleep, never wake up.
She's calling me again. She's saying that she's here, and I can make out a man's voice, hoarse and frail. He's repeating her name over and over. Who is this man? I'll murder him when I wake up. I am the only one who can pronounce her name like that, who can pour so much love and need within one feeble syllable. I'll show him.
Gin. I need you. Please be here.
Ruthless rays of light are hurting my eyes. I can feel my fists clenching and unclenching underneath the blanket. There is a soothing palm caressing my forehead, acting like balm for my tired body. I must open my eyes, I need to know where I am.
I can make out Ginny's worried face as she gently places my glasses for me. Blinking, I realise that I am home, convalescing in my own bed. Stop. Convalescing? I was supposed to be back for training long ago! Shit.
"Harry?" Ginny's voice breaks my wild thoughts. "What are you doing?" she asks, a note of panic hidden in the question.
"I must be at the Ministry – Kingsley – Robards – they're going to kill me if I'm not there. New recruits –," but I have no time to finish my anxious explanation, for she pushes me back down with sheer determination. Her eyes are daggers and I must obey.
"The only one who is going to hex you into another dimension will be me, if I see you get up one more time. Understand?" And I cannot help but nod. You can never argue with Ginny worked up in a state.
"I found you collapsed on the floor," she adds, sitting back on her chair and taking a moment to change the threatening tone of her voice. "You've been burning so badly, I was about to get you to St. Mungo's. And you kept mumbling about stars and constellations," she continued, sounding concerned.
"Oh," it's all I think of saying.
"What's happened to you? You're gone for a week and then you return home nearly dead," she's shaking her head. "Harry," she whispers. "Harry, look at me," and I do, as I would anything she'd ever ask of me. Our eyes meet and there is something hidden beneath her gaze. She's worried, I can see it in the slight quiver of her lips.
"I tried not to bring this up, I swear I did, but I can't wake up in the middle of the night and feel your empty pillow as I try to reach for you," she tells me, eyes closed. I did not think she knew, I never imagined she would find out. My heart sinks, my head spins. I'm guilty.
"I can hear you moaning and sobbing in your sleep, and I just – I just want to hold you and tell you that I know," she speaks a little louder now. I feel a burning need to pull the blanket over myself and disappear somewhere else, where life is simpler and I'm not hurting the one being who has given me her all, unconditionally and irrevocably.
"Because I do know. Sometimes, I'm eleven and there is this monster that's controlling me, and I'm completely damaged. I want to run, I want to scream, and I want take a leap into the abyss, to just fall and keep falling for all of time," she continues, one hand covering her face, a sad smile etched underneath her fingers.
"This eleven year old buried deep down, she's crying for your help, Harry," Ginny closes her eyes, a thought shivering on her bottom lip. "I try to silence her, but she keeps crying, and you're not here anymore. You promised you'd be here."
I wish I could crack my skull open. I wish I could grasp those words, millions of them coiling into heavy chains, and wrench them out of my burning mind. I wish I could claw at my own chest, pull my bleeding heart out and offer it to her on a silver plate. I swore I would protect her, didn't I?
"So, would you stay by my side next time you feel alone, and frightened, and like the whole world has turned against you? Because I'm feeling the same way too, and I – I just don't know what to do," she says, her fiery gaze pinning me in place. "Please don't make me beg you," she pleads, and my heart breaks a little more.
"Ginny," my voices comes all crooked and wrong. "I love you," I try to touch her soft cheek. Her skin is velvet, tainted with pink. Coloured smudges drip from beneath my fingertips, tangles of red hair flowing, enveloping me. Her brown eyes are infinite wells and I am tumbling deep inside of them. The world is a mess and so am I. I'm falling.
The sky is dark and heavy, and I cannot lift it. There is something soft cosseting my blistered palm. I think it's love, and it's tugging me towards her. I am coming, I am your willful servant.
"Stay with me, Harry. I need you, you idiot, stay with me. Come back to me," her words linger, twisting and turning around me. I want to tell her that I'm here, forever. No more compromises. I am here.
"I am here," somebody assures her, when it should have been me. I should have been the only one to shield her against the world. But it's me she kisses tenderly, moist lips melting into mine. She kisses me hungrily, sewing the loose stitches of my troubled-troubled mind. Reality glues itself together in front of me, and all I see is this face, this smiling, heavenly face, covering mine in a sea of salty tears.
"You absolute git," her flaming mane splashes everywhere, as she throws herself into an embrace so tight, so passionate it renders me useless.
"I'm not leaving," I mouth into her hair, and she laughs and cries against the crook of my neck.
"You'd better not, because I swear to you I'm going to drag you right back," she tugs at the seams of my shirt.
"I know," I try to say once again. "I'm sorry," the words flow between us, drawing us closer to each other. Now, it is only our hearts that speak. Words are not enough, and thoughts are not enough. No iloveyou is enough, and I am happy to just hold her, to just let the silence grow and heal us. We're broken, and we might never mend again. We come crashing, still we come as one. One broken, shattered being, bravely taking its toll through life, day after day after day.
"Promise you'll be here? You know, next time I wake up…," she whispers, a millennium of love and silence spent marooned against my chest, my arms draped around her small body. I nod and she grips tighter unto me. "Promise me you'll stop beating yourself up, and tiring yourself, and working until you numb yourself?"
"Yes," my lips spell those three small letters, and it takes all I have to let them roll out of my mouth. But she's worth so much more than my foolish ambitions. She's worth building a home together.
"Let's build a home, you and I," I propose, dizzy with an intense hunger for life, for our life together. She looks at me, and she's amused and taken aback all at once. She's going to tell me that I'm mad, and she's not wrong.
"You're mad, I've told you this before, right?" Ginny laughs, pressing her cheek to mine. "Maybe that's why I'm so in love with you," she sighs.
"We should get married, have three kids" anyone else but me declares, as I run pale fingers through the intense red of her hair.
"Are you okay, Harry?" she blushes beautifully, searching deep within my soul.
"Just as long as you're with me," I cover her lips with mine and succumb to the same weightless plight as before. But I know I am alright, I am just fine, just as long as she's with me. My whole galaxy. My Moon, my stars, she traces constellations upon my empty sky. I am alright.
this goes to littlerose13writes, for her support, kindness and unbelievable attention to detail;
to gliisseo, for inspiring me to tie the loose ends;
and to megzfadingvoidangel, for wanting to learn more and improve, as we all constantly should;
thank you! Harry and Ginny are doing alright, and I hope you are too :)