The Princess Leia
The Lost Episode
Becker Wein's Classic Tale
A long time ago in the galaxy of Florin
A princess fell madly in love with a pirate
And the pirate fell in love with Florin's farm girl
Things were not going well in Florin. Across the Florinese Milky Way was Florin's arch nemesis, The Guilder Empire. (Of course, in Guilder, the galaxies were separated by the Milky Way of Guilder.)
Now, understand that the Guilder Empire was not Florin's only problem. The princess, Leia, fancied herself the galaxy's most beautiful woman. (This was after the recognition of beauty, but then, so is everything.) The problem was that Leia was wrong. She was only rated twentieth on the list and that was the list of Florin's ugliest. (This is also long after beauty- and ugliness- were rated.)
The most beautiful woman existing was quite young (barely a women, in fact). She was a farmer's daughter, and her name was Buttercup. She had everything; long hair, the colour of autumn, a perfect figure, and the most delicate features ever observed. (This was before fashion was a conceivable concept, and yet Buttercup somehow managed to even be fashionable.)
This was never a problem until one day when Princess Leia was walking her Piffin and Buttercup was out riding her horse, Horse, on the same secluded country road. A long, obese Hutt, flanked by a giant Gamorean and a tall, slim Dark Jedi, asked if there was a settlement nearby. When the princess replied no, the Gamorean knocked her unconscious and brought her aboard their small Kuati transport.
On board the ship, Buttercup was just awaking as the Hutt ordered the ship to take off. Being locked in the hold, she was very confused as to where she was. The last thing she remembered was riding Horse along a deserted path when a Hutt, a human, and a Gamorean came up to her. And now she was on a ship travelling off-planet.
A day later, Inigo, the Dark Jedi, sensed a presence behind them. It was a small, beat-up Corellian Y-1600 freighter. It was obviously a pirate ship, as its transponder systems were not communicating a name or registration. The mystery Ship Followed Vizzini's right into the Guilder Empire galaxy.
Vizzini quickly ordered the Gamorean, Fezzik, to land the ship on Coruscant, the Guilder Empire's capital planet. Not because he thought the pirate might be following them, you see, that was "inconceivable". That was just what the Hutt felt like doing.
Since the kidnapping was illegal, the Hutt's mercenaries were forced to carry Vizzini and Princess Leia and Buttercup up the walls of Coruscant's kilometer high buildings. The process was long and tedious, considering the Hutt's colossal weight.
Inigo was about to make a remark of how the building's walls could be referred to as the Cliffs of Insanity when he looked down. Climbing up behind them was a lone man, dressed all in black except for a red strip running down each leg. It didn't take long for Inigo to realize that this man was from the ship that had been following them. The Dark Jedi, who was actually quite meek for one of his power, quickly pointed the man out to Vizzini.
"Inconceivable!" the Hutt proclaimed. "Inigo, when we reach the roof I want you to take him out with your lightsaber." This was said, of course entirely in Huttese. Vizzini only spoke Huttese, even though he understood many other languages. It was a point of honour. (This was after honour, but before it was applied to big things, such as Kidnapping.)
After the long climb, Fezzik, with Leia under one arm and Buttercup under another, took off with Vizzini. Inigo stayed behind to face the man in black.
"Oh, come on!" the man said after he reached the top. "What's all this?"
Inigo replied, "You were following us and now you must die." With that, he drew his lightsaber.
The man in black gaped. "You're not serious, are you? Hokey religions and laser swords are not match for a good blaster at you're side." The man rapidly unholstered his blaster and shot Inigo on stun, before the Dark Jedi even knew what was happening. Then the man in black went chasing after Vizzini again.
"Inconceivable!" exclaimed Vinzzini. "He's still coming. Fezzik, untie their hands, put them on leashes and give them to me. We will continue on and you must finish the man in black." Vizzini left, leaving the Gamorean confused.
Gamoreans are very slow creatures. They need a lot of time to puzzle out instructions. While Fezzik was trying to decide what do, the man in black came running up and stunned him as well. "I've got to hurry," he mumbled to himself. "If Organa finds out I've left his daughter alone with a Hutt, my he'll cut my fee!"
When the pirate caught up with Vizzini, which didn't take very long due to the Hutt's extremely slow pace, he was quite angry. His partner was visiting his home planet of Kashyyyk, which meant the man in black had to leave his ship alone and unguarded. The man was brief in his exchange with the Hutt.
Vizzini made an offer. " If you can shoot me dead, then you can take the princess and the other. If not, I can kill you."
"Easy enough."
"You forget Hutts have blaster resistant skin. Now you die!"
"Nu-unh! Maybe with another Hutt I would've. But you never close your big, fat mouth!" With that, the man in black shot Vizzini in his open mouth and killed him.
The man turned to Buttercup. "Now Your Highnessness, I have to get you back home to your father, Bail Organa. He hired me to save you."
"You imbecile!" Princess Leia shrieked from behind him. "I'm the princess!"
The man turned and was shocked. But she's so ugly, and the other girl is so beautiful, I've already fallen madly in love with her. "I'm sorry, Princess."
"That's alright," replied Leia sweetly. When the man had turned around she had fallen madly in love him. He was so handsome. But he seems to like hat farm girl better than me! I'll have to separate them-permanently!
"So what's your name?" the princess asked of the man in black.
"Han Solo," he answered, still staring into Buttercup's eyes.
"C'mon," he continued. "We gotta go."
"Alright," agreed Leia. "But Buttercup's going to have to stay behind."
"No way! It's my ship, and I've decided since you don't like Buttercup, you can stay behind. I'm gonna marry her." Buttercup squealed with delight at the prospect of marrying her attractive saviour. Han grabbed Buttercup and carried her down the side of the building.
At the bottom, the jumped in the Millennium Falcon, and flew away from Coruscant.
"I will love you forever, Han," Buttercup proclaimed, with all her heart and soul.
"I know."
From behind them, suddenly, closer than they imagined possible, the princess was flying in Vizzini's ship. "I will follow you everywhere, Han Solo, until you love ME!"
Han and Buttercup just smiled at each other, knowing that once they went to hyperspace they would lose Princess Leia forever.
However, this was before they discovered that the Falcon's hyperdrive was out.