A/N: Hello to all of my usual readers and any new comers! Basically, due to exam and revision related reasons I am having severe writers block/general difficulties writing atm… so I thought I'd have a bit of fun and write a jokey fic…! I saw a Rocky Horror 'facebook' fic and thought it was incredibly clever and funny, so I decided to have a go with a Torchwood one! I don't know if it's been done before or not but I've never seen one and I thought it would be a laugh. I'm going to start by outlining everyone's profiles (you can imagine profile pictures :P if you wish) and then go into some random funny drabbles! – hope you like it! Hannah xxx
Ianto Jones:
Birthday: 19th August 1983
Gender: Male
Hometown: Swansea, UK
Current Location: Cardiff, UK
Employers: Torchwood Three (receptionist/archivist/'teaboy'/general skivvy) 2006-present
Torchwood One (junior researcher) 2004-2006
Education: Goldsmith's, University of London, History (BA) 2001-2004
Relationship status: It's complicated
Interested in: Women
Religious Views: N/A
Languages: English, Welsh, sarcasm (fluent)
Likes: 'Suit up!', 'I don't understand how people can function without coffee in the morning', 'Tintin', 'clearing up other people's mess 'cause you're a top bloke', 'stopwatches', 'things that rhyme', 'Splott', 'When estate agents pronounce things poshly', 'Black and white films are cool', 'pterodactyls', 'Being obsessively organised… because someone has to be', 'the old fashioned way' and 56 other pages.
Owen Harper:
Birthday: 14th February 1980
Gender: Male
Hometown: Essex, UK
Current Location: Cardiff, UK
Employers: Torchwood, Cardiff (Doctor) 2005-present
Guy's Hospital, London (Surgical Registrar) 2003-2005
Education: Kings College, University of London, Medicine (MBBS), 1998-2003
Relationship status: Single
Interested in: Women
Religious Views: Religion? Screw that!
Languages: English, sarcasm (fluent)
Likes: 'The world's ending – let's all have sex', 'We all have a mate who is a fucking legend: I am that mate', 'Sex, drugs and rock and roll', 'Trust Fuck me, I'm a doctor', 'I hate it when I'm out jogging and someone mistakes me for Usain Bolt', 'I hate it when doctors mistake my huge biceps for tumours…', 'Bog standard space debris', 'I hate sugar in my coffee', 'The Lad Bible', 'Rat jam' and 107 other pages.
Toshiko Sato:
Birthday: 19th September 1981
Gender: Female
Hometown: London, UK
Current Location: Cardiff, UK
Employers: Torchwood (technology expert) 2004-present
British Ministry of Defence, Lodmoor Research Facility 2003-2004
Education: University of Cambridge, Computer Science (MSci), 1999-2003
Relationship status: Single
Interested in: Men
Religious Views: N/A
Languages: English, Japanese
Likes: 'E=MC²', 'There are 10 types of people in the world – those who understand binary, and those who don't', 'What's purple and commutes? An Abelian grape', 'Schrödinger's cat', 'Hello IT, have you tried turning it off and on again?', 'Trigonometry for farmers: swine and coswine' and 32 other pages.
Gwen Cooper:
Birthday: 16th August 1978
Gender: Female
Hometown: Neath, UK
Current Location: Cardiff, UK
Employers: Torchwood (second in command) 2006-present
South Wales Police Service (P.C) 2001-2006
Marks and Spencer's (Sales Assistant) 1999-2001
Education: Cardiff University, Sociology and Criminology (BSc), 1996-1999
Relationship status: In a relationship with Rhys Williams
Interested in: Men
Religious Views: Christian, CoE
Languages: English, Welsh
Likes: 'CSI Cardiff', 'Unless you're my boyfriend, don't call me sweetheart', 'kissing in the rain', 'Lasagne', 'Getting out of doing the washing up through any means possible', 'Living in Cardiff and not having seen a live rugby match before is a crime', 'I love my boyfriend', 'don't you hate it when you get to work and realise that you've left your stun gun at home' 'spin the bottle' and 137 other pages.
Rhys Williams:
Birthday: 11th June 1974
Gender: Male
Hometown: Swansea, UK
Current Location: Cardiff, UK
Employers: Bustin's Lorries (driver) 2000-present
Tesco (Shelf Stacker) 1992-2000
Relationship status: In a relationship with Gwen Cooper
Interested in: Women
Religious Views: N/A
Languages: English, Welsh, Banter (fluent)
Likes: 'Rugby', 'the Lad bible', 'I love my girlfriend', 'Hating the 'secret squirrel' stuff', 'Banana Boat rocks', 'Staying single stag do's', 'Being Welsh', 'Take-away means no washing up!', 'I hate it when I'm out jogging and someone mistakes me for Usain Bolt', 'Cooking your girlfriend dinner 'cause you're a top bloke', 'Bloody Torchwood' and 111 other pages.
Owen Harper's status update: The words 'sex gas alien' used to sound like the making of such a fucking good dream…
Toshiko Sato: It's a good job that, from you anyway, that doesn't explicitly scream of real spaghetti!
Owen Harper: You what? SPAGHETTI!
Toshiko Sato: *Sighs* The code Owen, remember?
Owen Harper: Oh yeah! What was spaghetti again…?
Toshiko Sato: I'll inbox you.
(private message) Toshiko Sato Owen Harper: It means aliens, i.e. it's perfectly plausible that you would want to dream about sex gas aliens, so no one will read too much into it and begin to think that real aliens, like the one that got inside Carys today, exist. Honestly, I think Ianto and I are the only ones who have bothered to learn the code – Gwen doesn't seem to have much clue either!
(private message) Owen Harper Toshiko Sato: Oh ok! I just can't be bothered to learn it! With most things you can guess… I just wanted to make sure! Bet I know more than Gwen does though!
(private message) Toshiko Sato Owen Harper: Well I guess we'll see won't we. Anyway I'm going to bed, good night xxx
(private message) Owe Harper Toshiko Sato: Bed? It's only eleven! Night.
Ianto Jones commented on Owen Harper's status: I feel sorry for your subconscious if that's what you dream about.
Owen Harper: You're so much more sarcastic on here than in real life! Anyway, at least I don't dream about my 'beloved Captain' who I spend all day sucking up to…
Ianto Jones: I don't suck up to him, I simply show him respect. Besides, I have much more original things to dream about.
Owen Harper: Oh really…?
Ianto Jones: Perhaps.
Jack Harkness has now joined Facebook, click to view Jack Harkness's profile page.
Jack Harkness:
Birthday: ?
Gender: Male
Hometown: ?
Current Location: Cardiff, UK
Employers: Torchwood (boss) ?-present.
Relationship Status: ?
Interested in: ?
Likes: ?
Ianto Jones is now friends with Jack Harkness.
Owen Harper posted on Ianto Jones's wall: When did Harkness get a Facebook account, I thought that he felt himself above all of this social networking lark? And WHY has he not added me as a friend yet? Bloody typical that is, adding the teaboy above me! No offence mate…
Ianto Jones: Charming Owen… He hasn't, I've just made him one – he might be living in the forties with that coat of his, but I think it's about time he joined the rest of modern society and got to grips with the internet. Besides, it is useful for coordinating the team while we're all at home… even if we do have to write in code a lot of the time!
Owen Harper: Well, you'd better tell him to accept the friend request that I have just sent! Lol, can you imagine if we didn't use a code, people would think we were off our heads.
Ianto Jones: Don't worry I will do, just as soon as I finish updating his profile and let him know that I've actually made him an account of course… Oh and believe me, Rhiannon saw my post to Gwen – 'make sure that you're in early, Captain Charisma wants to debrief you on the current asparagus infestation' – and now thinks I'm taking LSD.
Owen Harper: Haha! Classic! Though you're the last person I'd suspect of drug taking, in fact, if you ever do I'll eat an 'asparagus' brain ;) As for Jack I bet he won't use it anyway, he has difficulty operating msn at the best of times.
Ianto Jones: Even seeing you eat... that... wouldn't tempt me! And he probably won't… but it's worth a shot. Right. That's the profile picture uploaded (I tried to choose the least vain one of him, but it was a challenge finding one at all) and all the information I know about him filled in. I don't suppose you have anything to add beyond his gender, location and current occupation?
Owen Harper: Honestly Ianto, if there's something you don't know about this place or any of us in it, then trust me the rest of us won't have a bloody clue! Do we even know that he's definitely male?
Ianto Jones: Haha! Better hope he(?) doesn't read that one Owen!
Gwen Cooper commented on Ianto Jones's wall post: Lol!
Owen Harper: Nice of you to join us Gwen...
Gwen Cooper: Sorry! The bit about Jack not being a man popped up on my news feed and made me laugh so much I had to read the rest! Asparagus is code for Weevil right, just so I'm clear?
Ianto Jones: Well… it was… but you've just written it's meaning on here… so I'm thinking we might need a new code word now!
Owen Harper: Nice one newbie!
Gwen Cooper: Sorry, I didn't think!
Owen Harper: Just like how you didn't think before you lobbed that wrench at the asteroid and released that sex gas?
Gwen Cooper: Now who's leaking confidential information!
Ianto Jones: Don't worry ladies and gentlemen, I'll have it permanently wiped in a just a minute or two… let's just hope that no one too important has seen it!
Gwen Cooper: Thanks Ianto! Sorry, I'm still getting used to this secrecy business.
Ianto Jones: That's ok :) After a while you just get used to keeping things secret…
Owen Harper: Well that was ominous…
Ianto Jones has logged off
Owen Harper: Ah well, looks like it's just you and me freckles…
Gwen Cooper: I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT.
Owen Harper: Oh come on, you love it really!
Gwen Cooper has logged off
Jack Harkness is now friends with Owen Harper.
Jack Harkness is now friends with Toshiko Sato.
Jack Harkness is now friends with Gwen Cooper.
Jack Harkness is now friends with John Smith
Owen Harper posted on Jack Harkness's wall: Who the bloody hell is John Smith?
John Smith likes this
Jack Harkness: Oh hello Owen! He's just… an old friend… do you have any idea how to use this thing!
Owen Harper: It's Facebook. You just… use it! You write statuses and comment on people's walls and send them messages, and like pages and upload photos and create events and things.
Jack Harkness: I see, but what's the point of it all? Ianto told me it would be useful, but I can't see how!
Owen Harper: *Rolls eyes* It's fairly useful… but you have to be careful what you say obviously, and you might want to check out Tosh's list of code words. Teaboy just thought he'd try and bring you into the 21st Century a bit more and set you up an account.
Jack Harkness: I need bringing into the 21st century? I'll have you know in the 51st there's none of this rubbish anymore, it's all outdated and old fashioned and we're back to good old fashioned face-face conversation! And hey! Don't call him that, he's much more than just a teaboy and besides, do any of us drink tea – I don't think so! Well, I don't think I'll get much use out of it, I can't even work out how to search for a page… any help?
Owen Harper: Sorry, cba. Ask Ianto.
Jack Harkness: Fine. What does cba mean?
Owen Harper has logged off
Jack Harkness's status update: Ianto Jones what the hell is this thing and why have you set me up on it?
Ianto Jones: It's Facebook Sir. I know you don't like social networking, but it really is quite useful for organising everyone or just sharing information and photos and venting out your feelings in a well-constructed status :)
Jack Harkness: Right… I'm not convinced… but while we're here, what does cba mean?
Ianto Jones: Can't be arsed. Not the most pleasant of terms…
Jack Harkness: Well that's Owen for you! So, not that I'm planning on using this much, I can edit my profile if I like?
Ianto Jones: Of course! I didn't have much to put down for you I'm afraid… and of course you might want to change the picture – there were hardly any photos of you around the hub to choose from you see.
Jack Harkness: That's cool, thank you. I think I'll just have a little play… not that I intend on getting too into any of this of course!
Ianto Jones: Of course Sir.
Jack Harkness has edited his profile
Jack Harkness:
Birthday: 27th March 5034
Gender: Male
Hometown: Boeshane Peninsula
Current Location: Cardiff, UK
Employers: Torchwood (boss) 199-present.
Torchwood (freelance) 1892-1999
The Time Agency (Time Agent) 5052-5070
Relationship Status: Single
Interested in: ?
Likes: 'Cole Porter', 'Swishy Coats', 'I'll shag anything with a postcode', 'When I said I was a Positive Person, I meant HIV', 'The LAD Bible', 'The SLAG Bible', 'Musicals', 'Being awesome', 'Period Military dress', 'The 1940s', 'Putting on the Ritz', 'Texting Someone While You're Naked', 'Giving Orders', 'I Believe in Aliens','Facebooking While You're Naked' and 1,067 other pages.
Jack Harkness has changed his name to Jack 'Captain' Harkness
Jack 'Captain' Harkness has uploaded a new profile picture
Jack 'Captain' Harkness has created a new album: 'Everything'
Jack 'Captain' Harkness has added 407 photos to the album 'Everything'
Jack 'Captain' Harkness's status update: I might have been wrong about Facebook… it's quite addictive.
Ianto Jones likes this
Jack 'Captain' Harkness's status update: Just showered, feeling clean ;) Still in my towel.
Gwen Cooper likes this
Jack 'Captain' Harkness's status update: Dried and dressed and watching desperate housewives in bed. Marcia Cross… mm…
Jack 'Captain' Harkness's status update: Advert break!
Jack 'Captain' Harkness's status update: Really fancy a sandwich but cba to move from my bed, it's so cosy!
Owen Harper posted on Ianto Jones's wall: Jones you've created a monster! All I'm seeing across my news feed is bloody Jack Harkness! Endless status after status about the most trivial of things, all these pages he's liked, all those bloody photos he's uploaded, and the ridiculous name change – not to mention he's become one of those people who fills their profile with rubbish, I mean, born in 5034 in the 'Boeshane Peninsula'? He could have at least made it funny!
Ianto Jones: I guess I didn't anticipate that he would get so in to it all… I assumed that he'd ignore his account after a few days! I'll have to have a word with him about it…
Jack 'Captain' Harkness: My ears are burning…
Ianto Jones: Captain! Hello… you've become… very active on here in the last few days…
Owen Harper: And that's putting it mildly…
Jack 'Captain' Harkness: So?
Ianto Jones: Well some people, and not us necessarily, get irritated when people constantly update their Facebook…
Owen Harper: Yeah, take that over to twitter!
Jack Harkness: So I should use it less? What's twitter?
Owen Harper: For heaven's sake Ianto don't tell him!
Ianto Jones: Twitter's… for another day… But yes, basically as a general rule you shouldn't update your Facebook more than once or twice a day… and only upload a selection of photos not every single shot.
Owen Harper: And we really don't need to know that you're only wearing a towel. And for God's sake if you're going to make the info on your profile a joke, at least make it a funny one!
Jack 'Captain' Harkness: Right. Ok. Got it. Who says it's a joke…
Owen Harper: Oh come on Jack, you weren't born in 5034 and if you were you wouldn't have been working at Torchwood since 1892!
Jack 'Captain' Harkness: Well, that depends on if you view time as a straight road or a winding river…
Ianto Jones: And now you're quoting Goodnight Sweetheart… you really are obsessed with the 40s aren't you?
Jack Harkness: What can I say? XD
Owen Harper: Give me strength… there's no hope for you… goodnight 'Captain'.
Jack Harkness: Goodnight Owen, I expect to see you bright and early we're predicted a rainbow spike for around six thirty. I just hope it isn't another gang of asparagus; I'm getting really fed up with them!
Toshiko Sato likes this
Owen Harper: Whatever…
Owen Harper has logged off
Toshiko Sato: Yay! You've learnt my code!
Jack Harkness: Of course!
Ianto Jones: Well, at least us three can converse across here somewhat secretively then… Anyway, it's been lovely to chat, but I'm off to sleep!
Jack Harkness: Can I come with you? ;)
Ianto Jones: That's harassment Sir! And I fear that it wouldn't result in a great deal of sleep anyway.
Toshiko Sato: Ianto! Lol.
Jack Harkness: Owen's right, you are more sarcastic on here. Besides, it's not harassment, we're on Facebook!
Ianto Jones: Cyber bullying then? AN-yway… I'm off to bed! Night Sir, night Tosh.
Toshiko Sato: Night Ianto! Xxx
Jack Harkness: Sleep well ;)
Ianto Jones has logged off
Toshiko Sato has logged off
Jack Harkness has logged off