Title: The Fear of Being Alone
Summary: Tatsuha finally meets his idol, only, it was more than he could have ever dreamed of. But, once he's caught in one lie, those lies seem to triple. He's scared of losing Ryuichi should he know the truth...
Warnings: Male x Male
Note: I have never seen the anime, only read the first seven translated manga so...yeah..
Disclaimers: Gravitation belongs to Maki Murakami
This chapter immediately follows the scene where Ryuichi takes Tatsuha somewhere to rest
Chapter One
Tatsuha was in heaven. He was touching Ryuichi Sakuma, the god of his idolatry. He glanced at Ryuichi, seeing if he was leaning too much weight on the small man. He didn't seem to be bothered by it so, Tatsuha continued lamenting on how ill he was feeling. Here he was deceiving the man of his dreams but at least he got to touch him, right? "Where are we going, Sakuma-san?"
"Oh, we're going to Ryuichi's." Ryuichi smiled, blue eyes sparkling with gaiety. Tatsuha felt if he should die right then and there, he would have died a happy man. That beautiful, radiant smile that made him want to cry and grin at the same time. Tatsuha wondered if everyone received that brilliant smile. "Do you mind if we go? I don't think we could get to Yuki-san's from here without getting lost and since you're sick, you need to be taken care of. Isn't that right Kuma-kun?" Ryuichi asked the pink bunny.
"Ah, I think I can walk on my own now. Thank you, Sakuma-san." Tatusha straightened his tall frame, shadowing Ryuichi's petite one. Ryuichi was about to protest but Tatusha intervened. "Honest, I was feeling a little faint from the alcohol. I'm alright now. I promise." Ryuichi stared at him hard for a couple of seconds, a foreign twinkle in the lapis depths. "You don't need to worry about me, Sakuma-san. You never need to."
Ryuichi frowned, holding Kumagouro close to his chest. "I guess not. All of you twenty-something's think you're invisible. I'm glad you're not a teenager, or, you'd be even worse." Ryuichi laughed, skipping towards the gate of his house. "The rumors wouldn't be very good, you know? Kuma-kun thinks so too. Don't you? Ssh, don't say that around Tatusha-kun!" Ryuichi put a finger to Kumagouro's mouth. "He likes you!" Ryuichi explained, earning a punch from Kumagouro.
Tatusha forced himself to laugh. So, Ryuichi thought he was in his twenties? How could he tell Ryuichi that he was sixteen? He might not have even initiated a conversation had he known, especially, if there was a chance in hell that Ryuichi might want to pursue a romantic relationship. "Kumagouro-san likes me, ne? Does Sakuma-san?"
Ryuichi blushed, holding Kumagouro to his face to hide the tell-tale crimson staining his cheeks. "Ryuichi thinks that Tatsuha-kun is a very nice man and is glad that they met tonight." Ryuichi giggled, opening the door to his home. He switched the lights on, gesturing with his hand. "Make yourself comfortable. I'll make us some coffee." He laughed, handing Kumagouro to Tatsuha. "He wants you to hold him while I make our drinks!"
Not three seconds after Ryuichi disappeared into the kitchen did Tatsuha's mobile ring. "Yeah?" he growled, not liking being disturbed.
"Tatsuha! Where are you?!" Mika's voice screeched through the phone.
"Sakuma-san brought me to his place to crash."
"What?!" Tatsuha winced.
"Look, I'll see you in the morning." Tatsuha turned the phone completely off. Oh, he was going to catch hell come tomorrow but it was worth it, wasn't it? "What do you think Kuma-san? Am I going to be turned into pancakes when Mika gets a hold of me in the morning? You think so too? Heh."
"Tatsuha-kun! I hope you like your coffee sweet and creamy!" Ryuichi bounced inside, handing the concoction to Tatsuha. He eagerly watched as Tatsuha took a sip of the drink. "How is it? Do you like it? I made it special for you."
Tatsuha savored the taste for a couple seconds before responding. "It's very good, Sakuma-san. Thank you. I didn't know you were such a talented cook. Kumagouro-san forgot to mention it to me when we were talking, didn't you Kumagouro-san?" Tatsuha inquired at the stuffed rabbit, handing it back to Ryuichi who immediately nibbled on it's ear.
"He's forgetful. I know I am too," Ryuichi scowled at Kumagouro. "So, how long are you going to be in Tokyo?"
"Whenever I feel like going home. I'm staying with my sister and Tohma-san until then."
"Oh. That's nice. It's nice to have the freedom of an adult, ne?" Ryuichi asked, oblivious to Tatsuha's discomfort. "When I was your age I was busy recording my first songs. I love to sing. I sing all the time but there's nothing like singing in front of millions of fans. I record our songs, go on tours, then I get to come home and Kuma-kun takes care of me, don't you?" Ryuichi hugged Kumagouro.
Tatsuha's heart broke for Ryuichi. He just looked so lost and alone. "What about lovers? Or do famous celebrities like you not have time for lovers?" Tatusha didn't mean to sound so scornful and his tone was clearly reflected in Ryuichi's eyes, the windows to his soul. Those lovely eyes turned to ice for a split second that anyone not observant would have missed before returning to their cheerful façade. A façade, Tatsuha realized. How much of Ryuichi was he hiding?
"I have time but...who is there to trust? Do they want me or do they want my looks and money? It's scary, not knowing who to trust. I'd rather be alone then to end up hurt. Don't you ever feel that way?" Ryuichi set his mug on the coffee table, tucking his legs underneath him and cuddling Kumagouro.
"Yes." Which is why I fill my time with anonymous sex. "All the time but you can't let that get in the way of finding true happiness. If everyone did that because they were afraid of being hurt than no one would fall in love. You have to give it a chance every now and then. You never know, that person that could give you the love of your life could be the person you least suspect."
Ryuichi appeared to consider Tatsuha's wise words. "You have a point. You've lived, you've probably had your heart broken. You know what it's like to go through that. If you didn't have any experience, I'd say you didn't know what you were talking about but, most men your age have had enough relationships to last a lifetime."
Oh, why can't I just tell you the truth? That I'm sixteen, not twenty-something. "Sometimes, you just have to close your eyes and take a leap of faith." Tatsuha shrugged, burrowing into the comfortable material of the couch, brown eyes locked on Ryuichi. "You might end up falling off of a cliff into an unknown abyss but in the end, it's worth it. You learn more about yourself every time you fall in love or get your heart trashed. You don't have to be scared."
"I guess you're right, Tatsuha." Ryuichi smiled. "You're not like my other fans. I like that."
"I'm glad. You're more than I expected you to be, Sakuma-san. You've made my dream come true. I thank you for that."
"If it's any consolation, you're not what I was expecting either." Ryuichi flushed shamefacedly. "I had thought you might be like your brother and from the stories Shu-chan tells, I was a bit worried about bringing you back to my place."
"You'll come to find out that I'm nothing like my brother."
"Alright, that is, if you want to stick around let me find out?" There was a pleading in Ryuichi's eyes that had Tatsuha's heart bleeding for the obvious loneliness that Ryuichi subjected on himself. Maybe it was time for Ryuichi to let go of those barriers surrounding himself. Maybe he, Tatsuha, could help ease some of Ryuichi's loneliness, even if it was just in the form of friendship.
"I do."
"I'm so happy!" Ryuichi yelled, flinging himself at Tatsuha, arms wrapping around the younger man's neck. "It'll be fun and Kuma-kun's happy too! It'll be me, you, and Kuma-kun!" He eased himself a little from Tatsuha's body, brows knitting. "Why are you trembling?" he whispered, surprised by the sound of his own voice. "Are you cold?"
"Y...Yes. I'm cold."
"Oh. Okay." Ryuichi withdrew, sitting on his heels and gazing at Tatsuha's shivering form wide-eyed. "I should not have left the air conditioner on all day! With it getting colder outside, it freezes in here! I'll go turn it down. You can sleep in my room if you want. I can take the couch."
Before Tatsuha could edge another word in, Ryuichi was gone. Tatsuha banged his head against his hand. There he was, Ryuichi pressed against him and then he had to go shake like a virgin on prom night. Thank God Ryuichi believed his crappy lie. Another one to add to the list. First he faked being sick just to be next to Ryuichi, then he continued the lie that he was older than sixteen, and now this? He was becoming disgusted with himself. Ryuichi returned. "I'm not taking your bed, Sakuma-san. I've already made myself a nuisance by coming home with you."
"But-"
"No buts. Please."
"Alright." Ryuichi sighed, disappearing into the bedroom, returning with blankets and a pillow. "I'm sorry I'm not a better host. It's been a long...long time since I've had a guest." Ryuichi sadly smiled. "Will you be going home tomorrow then? To Tohma-chan's?"
Tatsuha gazed at Ryuichi, puzzled by the expression on his face. "I don't have anywhere else to go. Eiri wouldn't let me stay with him and Kyoto's damn far away."
"You...you can stay with me."
"You'd let me?"
"Of course! It's...it's not so lonely with you here."
The words left Tatsuha's mouth before he could think, "I can't. I'm sorry." It was true though. Probably the only honest thing he'd said all night. He knew if he stayed, it would only lead to trouble. Trouble with his family, trouble with his friends and most especially trouble with Ryuichi. He didn't want to hurt the man he admired-heaven forbid-the man he loved. If he stayed, it would only lead to their hearts breaking. Besides, once Ryuichi learned that he was only sixteen, he would probably never talk to him again.
"Oh. I see. Well, goodnight, Uesugi-san." Ryuichi grabbed Kumagouro and headed for his bedroom without a backward glance at Tatsuha.
Tatsuha sighed, throwing himself under the blankets and burying himself in the pillow. Maybe he could smother himself and end the pain in his heart and the ache in his soul. Had he just made a mistake? Should he go tell Ryuichi he would stay with him but what would Mika say? Mika would probably screech at him and tell him he was being irresponsible. Tatsuha tried to ignore the faint sobs coming from Ryuichi's room. Now, he really felt like scum.