Summary: "Yeah, Jessica. Jess," Alec tested the name out, deciding that he didn't like it, but a nickname would make this more believable. "We met some time ago."
A night out on the town with Izzy and Jace leads Alec to some introspection and a lie that may or may not have been a stupid idea.
[My take on Jessica Hawkblue. Set before the Series]

Note: Inspired by this scene: watch?v=O-P_Tkii_WE

In hindsight Alec should have known that drinking with Izzy was not a good idea. But Izzy could be worse than a terrier and sometimes it was just clever to choose your battles.

His second mistake was forgetting after the third concoction Izzy presented him with that Izzy (despite her slim frame) could probably drink them all under the table. Was "but it's my birthday!" even a real point?

Combined with her fluttering eyelashes and pleading pout and following blinding smile all the exasperation Alec could muster wasn't strong enough to deny his little sister and yeah, maybe her birthday was good enough a reason to let her fill him up with terrible tasting, dangerously colored and ridiculously named drinks that were overpriced and all around unnecessary when there was perfectly drinkable beer available – Izzy's unimpressed expression would probably haunt him for days – just so that she could laugh at his face.

He reluctantly sipped his – what was it, High Moon Delirious, Wolf's Time Struggle? he hadn't really kept track – and let his eyes hazily wander through the bar. Izzy had run off to who knew where while he preferred to sit in a corner booth from where he had a perfect view of the main space, the bar and the pool tables on the far side of the room.

Ms. Dry's Bar had only recently opened again after being closed down in 1929 after a police raid during the Prohibition. Not that Alec really cared, but Izzy hadn't been able to shut up in the weeks leading up to her birthday, loudly contemplating which bar would be the best choice for a celebration with her 'favorite colleagues'. Of course, she quickly came to the conclusion that choosing one just wouldn't do considering there were so many great options, so instead of crossing them off the list, they just had to cross them off the list by visiting. Alec was just relieved that The Beauty Bar had been a little bit too pink even for Izzy's tastes and that they had been able to leave after little more than half an hour.

Alec's gaze flittered over the patrons at the bar, to the three bartenders that were busy mixing drinks and twirling bottles, to the couples dancing and laughing only to come back to the dart boards and pool tables where Jace was currently leaned over aiming his next shot. His brows were set in concentration and his sharp eyes focused, making them a striking blue in the soft shine of the overhead lights. A strand of his blonde hair fell into his forehead and Alec could see the tension in his muscled arms exposed by his gray t-shirt when he finally took his shot with precision. From his position Alec couldn't hear the clinking of the balls over the music or even see how many were pocketed, but it must have been a good shot because Jace straightened and sent an arrogant little smirk in the direction of the man he was playing with.

Alec absently brought his glass to his lips. When they were younger a little bit of the calmness Jace showed now would have spared him one or two extra (read: penalty) training sessions. Jace had more than once been admonished for his hotheadedness in battle, but when they were alone he had simply laughed, patted Alec on the shoulder and said, "That's why we're such a good team. Together, we're like a snake waiting to strike. You got the calm and the focus and I got the passion."

Alec felt inclined to agree to the second part, but he thought that the image of a predator bird was much more fitting. Setting his empty glass on the table he remembered their first encounter, a scared boy who hid insecurities behind a cocky attitude and self-indulgence. He remembered how the boy became less of both and how hard they had trained – still did – until they could truly be called a team. Bringing his full glass to his mouth Alec wondered what would have happened if Jace's parents had never died, if he had never been brought to them to be a part of their family. Alec wondered if he would have felt like a part of him was missing.

Why so glum? Who's your secret crush? He could imagine Izzy's voice in his head.

"Jace…-yyy" he automatically murmured under his breath adding a random letter and pulling it unnaturally out so that in the end the name was barely recognizable, because not even in his own thoughts could he acknowledge anything remotely meaningful about himself. What was wrong with him?

Being parabatai made them like extended parts if each other at times. The feelings Alec had for Jace were like breathing, natural and effortless:

Loving him was an integral part of their bond.

Being in l-… whatever this was, was easy. Because nothing would ever come of it and that made it so much less scary.

Maybe it was fitting then, that birds of prey didn't form flocks. That they were always alone.

Something nudged his shoulder and he lazily turned his head looking directly into Izzy's puzzled frown. The second their eyes met Alec felt something cold envelop his whole body, his heart clenched and an almost unbearably uncomfortable prickling sensation crept up the back of his neck. Then his heart started hammering in his chest and the cold was replaced by a hot whole body flush.

"Jacy? Like Tracy?" Izzy asked quizzically.

Izzy's voice had not been in his head. She'd been sitting right there. For how long? How could he not have noticed? There was a fresh drink in his hand, for goodness sake. Couldn't he ever do anything right?

"No!" he immediately denied, probably a little bit too loudly judging by Izzy's slightly disturbed expression and the heads turning in the next booth.

Alec panicked as icy sobriety swept over him.

Quickly taking a sip of his drink he promptly choked and started coughing. He thumped his fist against his own chest, desperately trying to buy time, to find a way out of this, to think.

"Gah." A garbled sound escaped his throat and he would have felt mortified with his flailing if he hadn't been preoccupied with his world ending right before his eyes.

Izzy leaned back in her seat. "Kah?" she repeated slowly seemingly thinking that his inarticulate grunting held some sort of information – since she had learned a long time ago that a lot more about Alec was communication than what meets the eye.

"No, I mean –" Think, Alec, think. "Yes. Jacey-kah uh… Jessica."

He took a deep breath, his cough had settled but his face was still hot.

Izzy tilted her head interestedly. "Jessica…?" she drawled prompting him to continue. Alec wondered why, but then it hit him that there was no Jessica working at the Institute and a feeling of thankfulness washed over him.

He picked up his glass again, unconsciously lifting his eyebrows to think about what he should tell her. He hoped his silence looked to Izzy as if he was contemplating if he should tell her.

The biting taste of his drink barely registered compared to the pounding in his head and he surveyed the room, looking anywhere but at his sister.

The bartenders where still mixing, couples still dancing and Jace was leaning over the table again, focusing on his target, eyes catching the light, ready to strike.

"Hawk… -blue," Alec blurted somewhat haltingly.

"Hawkblue?" Izzy repeated, her smooth voice still showing interest but Alec thought he caught a hint of suspicion.

"Yeah," he said somewhat lamely dragging the word out. He then nodded and looked to the ceiling not really helping his credibility.

"Jessica Hawkblue," he confirmed, more sure of himself when he looked back at Izzy.

Izzy regarded him with an intensity he had never really seen before, her big eyes fluttering over his face, taking in every feature, seeing him.

"Are you sure?" she asked softly, hesitantly, teetering on the edge of having her conviction tipped in either direction. She stroked her hair back behind her ears with both hands as if she was strengthening herself for something and then let her eyes settle on his. "You can tell me," she said, steady, lovingly, invitingly.

Alec's heart stopped. Because he believed her. He could. He looked at her, at his… Izzy – and he knew that he could.

Nothing had ever scared him more in his life. Because he just couldn't.

He needed to get control back and fast. Izzy was still looking at him, saying so much with her expressive eyes and her slightly wrinkled forehead alone –

You can tell me anything.

I will believe you.

I've got your back.

I'm here for you.

– and Alec couldn't bear it.

The first step of being in control was seizing it. If there was anything he had learned with the prospect of becoming the Head of the Institute it was taking a stand. Even if deep down he wasn't entirely convinced. So he let a small smile form on his lips, set his shoulders and met Izzy's honesty with a lie.

"Yeah, Jessica. Jess," he tested the name out, deciding that he didn't like it, but a nickname would make this more believable. "We met some time ago."

She stared at him for a second longer, her eyes flickering between his. But then they stopped as if she had made a decision and Alec had no idea what it was or if it was all just in his head, because an easy grin stretched over her lips and she leaned forward conspiratively. "Tell me everything!" she gushed in a demanding whisper.

Alec stifled his sigh of relief and gave her a practiced expressionless stare in response.

"Oh, you can't be serious," Izzy huffed leaning back and throwing her hands in the air. Step two (even though it should never even be necessary to explicitly make that a point) was being in control of yourself. In Alec's case that meant getting control back over his still erratic heartbeat and to seem as normal as possible.

"What?" Alec said, "there's not much to tell. You already know her name."

Izzy stared at him as if he was dumb. He shrugged it off with a stoic expression, because step three meant knowing your options and he was painfully aware of the fact that he was in no condition to come up with a sound story that would withstand Izzy's prodding. The less information he gave the better.

"Do I know her?" Izzy tried.

"No."

"Is she a Shadowhunter or...?" She pressed when Alec didn't seem to be forthcoming.

"Of course she is!" Alec said shooting her an incredulous and slightly disturbed look.

Izzy's eyebrows furrowed and she tilted her head. "You know, there's nothing wrong with dating a Downworlder." After a beat she added, "or a Mundane" almost as an afterthought although she sounded a little less convinced than before.

Alec scoffed and turned away. In his peripheral vision he could see Izzy good naturedly roll her eyes.

"She's a Shadowhunter," Alec said still not looking at Izzy and willing this conversation to be over. "I haven't known her long, so there isn't really any point in asking questions."

Izzy let out an acquiescing and slightly resigned sigh. "Oh, Alec," she said and he wasn't sure if the pity in her voice was for him or more for herself.

He hummed noncommittally in response and finished off his drink. Izzy did the same with hers and then picked up her jacket from the seat beside her.

"Don't think you're off the hook, big brother," she said and playfully punched his shoulder. Alec rolled his eyes and if he didn't feel so awful he maybe even would have smiled, since of course the Izzy-Inquisition was not over.

"I think it's time to get out of here." Izzy shrugged on her jacket and pulled her hair out from underneath the collar. "I'm gonna go get Jace and then it's time for some dancing. I think I put three clubs on my list, we can decide outside," she winked at him.

Izzy was off before he had time to respond and he collected his jacket and slid out of the booth.

A strange feeling settled in Alec's chest. It oddly felt like some of his fear had made way for relief. A part of his denial had given way for clarity. Maybe his world wasn't ending. Maybe he had gotten himself caught in a lie, but maybe he had also gained some freedom through self-reflection. Patting his pockets to make sure he had everything he caught up with Jace and Izzy at the entrance. Jace shot him a smile and cocked his head in the direction of the door as if asking 'Ready to move on?'

Alec nodded.

A dream that would never come true could never destroy and never be destroyed. And maybe that was what this was really all about.