I was only mildly drunk. It's not like I had planned it or anything, I'd just started drinking to make it go away.
The pain.
But I knew it'd never go away. I knew it would never end. I'd just torture myself forever, staying forever when I should probably go away.
And now I'd signed a deal with Mello, and I was probably gonna die soon. So, who cared anymore? And that's how I finished my sixth drink that night.
Tears welled up in my eyes as I crippled the beer can in one hand and then threw it violently against the wall. I searched for my cigarette pack and got my zippo out. Trembling, my hand delicately placed a cig in my awaiting mouth, and the other lit it, and I inhaled longingly. It kinda soothed me, but I needed more. More than I could get. More than I could handle.
I heard the door slam, so I tilted my head just in time to watch a very furious Mello storm into the apartment. I blew smoke in his direction just as he entered the living room. It probably made him angrier to see me in my current condition, in a messy heap on the sofa, surrounded by a pile of tins, bags and rubbish in general.
His eyes narrowed and he wrinkled his nose in disgust.
"What the fuck, Matt?" He asked, his voice much quieter than I had imagined it would be.
"What?" I answered, removing my cigarette from my mouth to speak. I puffed out more smoke, watching the grey cloud dance around in the air.
He sighed and pinched the edge of his nose.
"How much did you drink?" He asked, trying to calm down.
"Not enough" was my stupid answer. As soon as I saw his lips purse, I decided to clarify that not very much.
"This places stinks." He walked out of the living room and went to the kitchen. I remained on the sofa, smoking, feeling utterly miserable, listening to the sound his boots made every time he took a step.
"If you'd just get up and do some of the work you had to do…" He was speaking, but I wasn't really paying attention. My mind was in a world of its own and it wouldn't dare come back to Earth. I doubted I could last another minute of torture like this.
It wasn't long before he'd paced the whole apartment and I'd finished my cigarette. He came back and looked at me as I stared at the wall blankly.
"What the fuck's got into you?" He asked, unwrapping the chocolate bar he'd gotten from my fridge. I always kept one there, just in case he came back.
I got up, not thinking straight, and walked up to him. I stared into his dark eyes for what could've been a heartbeat before I flung myself at him, embracing him quickly in a tight hug.
I've no idea what crossed his mind at that particular moment when I crushed my lips against his. I was expecting to be shoved away brutally, but, to my surprise, he hungrily kissed me back, chasing my tongue inside his mouth, trying his hardest to dominate me.
I felt his warm hands pressing against my waist, his nails digging into my clothing, and then his two index fingers hooked themselves into my belt hoops.
His mouth separated momentarily from mine, giving me enough time to moan in complaint, but then his teeth were at my lips, biting harshly, making me wanting him to draw blood.
"Nnnngh" I moaned, the fingers on my trousers pulling me towards him, making my body crush against his. I felt the heat fill me up immediately, and oh god, I never wanted this to end.
His right hand left my waistline, tickled my torso and ended up grabbing my neck. I pushed my tongue further into his mouth while I struggled to breathe as he lightly pressed my Adams apple.
I heard him snicker against my lips as I wrapped my arms clumsily around his neck, stuffing my fingers into his hair. He imitated me, holding my head in place by grabbing on to my hair roots, pulling me closer towards him. The pressure, it almost hurt.
And then, he let go. His eyes looked into mine, and I could see intense horror painted on his features before he shoved me aside some more. He quickly turned around, wiping his mouth with his hand. I panted his name out, while I stumbled with my feet, trying to follow him. I fell down, and saw him leave the room. Shortly after, I heard the front door closing and I thought I was going to die there.
But I didn't die.
I just laid there, on the floor, with my mouth still wet with his saliva, my heart still pounding in my chest, and my whole body in pain, wanting to be satisfied by only Mello.
You know… that feeling you get… when you've realized you couldn't possibly fuck it up any worse than you already have…
I'd gotten to taste a little bit of heaven, but now I was condemned to live with the fact that Mello would never forgive me.
As I laid on the cold floor, my mind spinning, I tried to calm myself down, but it was no use – I knew what I'd done would haunt me forever.
But Mello had kissed me back.