Genre: Angst, Tragedy
Pairing: Open To Interpretation
Characters: Tenth Doctor, Rose Tyler, Jack Harkness, Mickey Smith, TARDIS
Series: Doctor Who
Rating: T
Word Count: 4,532
Note: This was written based directly on a recent dream that I have had - feel free to interpret it as you like.
Fade Away
I didn't know why I had been looking for them. In fact, I was never aware of consciously searching for them at all.
But I was.
Something needed to be found – desperately. Somewhere. But I had no idea what. I had no idea where to begin.
Time was of no real substance, morphing and shifting around me. It was as if my only task now was to search. And search I did, even though I never had the slightest idea what for.
Through lovely wilderness and crowded cities, after nightfall and in daylight, I searched. It was like I had been doing it my entire life. I never rested for long, wandered from place to place, but I knew, eventually, that I would find what I was looking for.
It was the slightest shift in sensation, so minimal I wasn't even sure of it really happening without paying close attention.
I had found it.
Her, more precisely.
I don't remember how it was exactly that we met – one moment I had been on my own and the next I had been almost face-first in the pavement. It had begun with her.
She looked like such an unassuming woman. She was beautiful, in a way I couldn't find the words to explain. She radiated warmth; life, and something else I couldn't put my finger on. We bumped into eachother on the sidewalk in some dark, rainy town in some state I don't remember the name of.
I nearly fell to the ground when she walked into me. I was soaked and chilled as if my own skeleton was ice itself. And it was that moment, that very singular moment in time, that I knew. The second she grabbed for my shoulder, kept me from falling, I knew.
"I'm Rose Tyler, what's your name?"
Rose Tyler...
It felt right.
A piece of my personal puzzle had slid into place. Rose Tyler was such a blatantly kind woman, I didn't have a second thought about spending time with her; getting out of the cold street. Her accent was not a common one, not here, but it felt like it fit. We ended up in some shop together, huddled underneath the shelter of fluorescent light and cheap coffee.
She must have noticed something. The way I responded to questions – quiet, reserved – the way I asked more about her than she did me. It must have clued her in.
So when she placed her hands on my own and asked me to go away somewhere with her – join her and some friends, I did not object. If she had taken me with her by force, I wouldn't have even had the thought.
I would follow this woman, this piece of my puzzle, to the end of the earth. To the end of time.
At that point, I wasn't sure why I phrased it that way.
She brought me to a campsite, far away from town; a tremendously long walk. And not just a hypothetical one – an actual campsite. A few makeshift tents, a small fire.
There was no one else there. Just us.
The rain had given in long before we arrived, trickling off slowly. Our hair was pasted to our faces, our clothes were dripping and stiffly drying, but all I could do was smile.
She sat me down on a blanket by the fire and started it with ease, talking aloud to me with an odd note of softness in her tone. After being so alone for so long – almost my entire life, I felt as if I could bask in it. But there was still that nagging feeling in the back of my head – an unrelenting twitch that always reminded me I hadn't found all of it yet. That I needed to keep looking.
But this time it wasn't just a twitch, it was scratch – I had found Rose, but I hadn't found everything I was supposed to. Not yet.
The more I found, the more I would need until I discovered what it was that I had spent so long looking for.
I barely noticed that it had slipped into darkness until I felt the smooth slide of a jacket over my shoulders. Rose smiled at me and continued doing what she had been – I pulled her red jacket tighter around my shoulders as I watched her work; fumbling about and tinkering with some sort of device. My eyes were drawn to her shirt. Something slid into place, my entire mind feeling as if it were drenched in ice water.
I'm looking for a blonde in a Union Jack.
My eyes burned.
A specific one, mind you.
My fingers spasmed on her jacket.
I didn't just wake up this morning with a craving.
I lost perception of time for a moment, my vision blurring.
I didn't know when she had wrapped her arms around me, or when the others had arrived. I felt the dim sensation of more pieces sliding into place behind the incessant throbbing in my head.
I didn't realize I had closed my eyes until I opened them again.
I was still sitting at the same spot by the campfire, except this time I was aware of the shaking. I could feel it – I was quivering. I couldn't stop. I looked helplessly at Rose, pressed against me, arms around my shoulders. It was as if her presence itself willed my shaking, my pain, to stop.
I could feel it – the same tingling sensation, spreading over my skin. The pieces had already slipped into place, but I could not see them. I must have, at some point, during my...
Rose kept constant contact with me, whether it be her hand on my thigh, or her shoulder against mine. She knew that I needed an anchor, even when I didn't. Maybe that should have tipped me off.
They both sat at the campfire, as if they were there the entire time. They must have been sitting there for a while. There were two men; I had seen neither before but something about them being there screamed right. But something about the situation bordered on equally wrong. Something was still missing.
"Captain Jack Harkness," the taller man introduced, gesturing to himself. He sent me a smile that could dazzle and my lips curved upwards in return.
"Mickey," Rose said, introducing the other man, and I sent them both courteous nods. They didn't seem to question my presence, or my closeness to Rose.
I didn't quite understand it, either.
Perhaps Rose had already explained what she could. I didn't know.
The three of them conversed in hushed, jovial tones, and I jumped in on occasion. In their few personal question about me, I answered what I could. Jack noted my age, how young I was – even younger than Rose. I could only shrug.
They asked me where I was from and quietly changed subject when I realized I couldn't remember. I could barely remember anything of my life before the start of my search, and those memories had grown sparse and were shaky at best. But I tried not to think about that, which was easy with all the distraction I had.
And when the rain was beginning to return, so did a small, cooling sensation at the base of my spine.
That's when I felt it.
Pain assaulted me with no context, streaming through my brain and resounding in my body as if they were seperate. I cut off the scream I was not fully aware I had begun, Rose's jacket sliding off my shoulders as I used my arms to hold myself up.
It was as if I were being drowned, every inch of my body, in that rain. As if water were filling my lungs of its own accord, replacing every cell in my body with liquid, burying m–
The electric shock tore through me and this time I was not cognizant of the people around me, maneuvering me onto my back as my body convulsed.
Thousands of liquid cells simultaneously electrocuted, millions of volts running rampant through me at one time, radiating off me like the heat of the sun...
"Oh god, she's not breathing. Mickey, what do we do?!"
"I don't understand! How should I know?!"
"I've never seen this before. Where's the Doctor?"
The Doctor.
The words echoed in me with stone-like finality.
Doctor.
My bones, my lungs, my every cell had given way to water and shock and fire, and I was slowly returning amongst the chill of ice.
A kind of ice I had never felt, not even in the loneliest of winters.
My vision slowly adjusted, but I no longer held the focus of the three individuals knelt around me. The stared off into the distance, the three of them, listening to something that I could not hear.
The fire was out and rain splashed against my face. I did not feel it, except for its light pressure. My body felt numb.
I launched quickly to my feet, scrambling into an upright position despite the protests of my three companions.
Then I heard it.
Run.
And so I did.
I ran faster than I had ever in my life, even as I slipped on mud and grass and stumbled at the slightest shift in terrain.
I could hear them running after me, following me as I sprinted to a destination I wasn't even aware of having.
Each movement of my body had purpose, and I wasn't going to let my final pieces slip through my fingers. In fact, I refused even the possibility.
I stumbled to the hill, and at the sight of what was on it, I could feel wetness on my face, my relief tangible.
Even through the mist and rain, I could see it. The moonlight reflected and the length of my strides increased, fueled on by a force that I didn't know I had in me. I could see it up on the hill, a piece of the puzzle snapping quickly into place.
The blue box was on the hill.
The police box was on the hill.
The TARDIS was on the hill.
Time And Relative Dimension In Space.
My step faltered at the correction I wasn't aware I had made. The word itself as unfamiliar, but it filled me with the same warmth that Rose radiated. I was almost overwhelmed by the sense of candor.
I heard nothing, the world around me oddly quiet. My vision was tunneled, focused only on what was ahead of me.
I was so close, and I reached my hand forward–
The doors opened, and my fingers connected to the skin of a man. It was less than a millisecond in time, but I could feel it. Stretched tightly over that precise moment.
The final piece of my puzzle was in place; it clicked together audibly, the snap of the Doctor's jaw closing as it slid into my head just so.
The skin of a man.
The skin of a timelord.
In that moment, I was both empty and full. My existence had purpose. I had found all of the pieces I had been missing for so long.
But I felt the emptiness just as I felt him.
I barreled into him with such force, but he did not stumble backwards. Merely bent his body to accompany my own, absorbing the situation as I clung desperately to him.
But it was too much – too much for me to understand in a single go, too much for my mind to handle. Too many moving pieces against so many years of inactivity. However, when I could feel the edges of my consciousness blurring, I felt no worry. I found everything I had been searching so long for.
I woke to the feeling of the TARDIS humming.
She was unbelievably gentle with me, merely a whisper on the borders of my mind.
She sung to me, quietly, in a language much too old for me to properly understand without her guidance. It was as if she had a voice, just on the edge of my subconscious. I could feel her radiate as I began to awaken, her metal warm, almost to the point of malleability against my skin.
I could hear the quiet hush of voices and I opened my eyes slowly, allowing my body to catch up. Despite everything, I knew I had not been out long. Ten minutes, perhaps, at the most.
I was positioned carefully on the floor, and by looking at her, I knew the softness beneath my head was Rose's jacket. There was one of a much longer length draped across my body. Jack's, I figured. I stared blankly at the ceiling for a moment before glancing around, quiet in my observations.
Main control room.
I smiled softly, the TARDIS subtly offering me the information I sought.
The sound of a voice distracted me from my musings; louder than the others, but not by much. Certainly by enough. I flexed my fingers before attempting to sit up, finding no hindering resistance in the use of my limbs.
The others stood by the console, their backs to me. I gently folded the coats that had been placed with me, rising to my feet with no trademark tilting of my vision. My smile widened to a grin, and I ran my fingers lightly across a column of the TARDIS. She vibrated contentedly in response.
I was then aware of the attention on me, all occupants of the room focusing in my direction. I did not feel uncomfortable, however. Merely intrigued.
Very suddenly he was near me.
His hair was dark and disheveled, coat tossed leisurely over a railing. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, and he adjusted his vest before pulling something out of it, blue light shining in my face. The same device Rose had been monitoring.
Sonic screwdriver, the TARDIS responded.
No one else could hear her.
His gaze was intense, and just as suddenly as he was near me, he was at the console once more. I trailed behind him slowly, making eyecontact with Rose, Jack and Mickey. They were all uncharacteristically quiet as they watched us – the Doctor and I. I motioned to the coats and although my thanks were not spoken aloud, I received two swift nods. I draped them beside the Doctor's.
Doctor.
It fit.
He moved back and forth between various controls, twisting dials and entering coordinates. I watched with interest, noting that my presence was not abruptly asked about, nor questioned.
Perhaps I was out longer than I thought.
My attention was drawn to a specific set of blue switches, and I stepped closer to inspect them further.
Stabilization, the TARDIS helpfully supplied and I skimmed the tips of my fingers over the console's edges in response.
Well, that's just boring now, isn't it?
My eyes fluttered shut for a moment. I rubbed my forehead. The TARDIS hummed, perhaps in an attempt to comfort me. I relaxed again.
"I've never seen her respond like this before," the Doctor said, and I glanced up to look at him. "The TARDIS. Not in a very long time."
There wasn't much I could say to that. He leaned against a column, suddenly smiling. I kept his gaze and a smile of my own flickered back.
Suddenly, the rigidity of the room was gone.
Everyone was speaking, moving, doing something. Tension melted.
I merely stepped back to witness it.
The Doctor seemed to be excited – intent on a specific location. Jack and Mickey were discussing the food of some distant planet with Rose. It was millions of lightyears away.
This did not feel anything like a revelation.
I knew that I was not acting correctly – rather than responding as I was, I should have been confused, frightened, panicked. All I felt was dull acceptance.
I knew things without being aware of how I knew them. I didn't understand, but that didn't worry me. I knew I would, in time.
Completely ironic.
I noticed that the Doctor completely bypassed the stabilizers – without thinking, I stepped forward and switched a few of them on.
He gaped.
"Stabilizers," I explained, quiet. Did he know they were there? I shifted unsurely. "Boring, I know, sorry," I mumbled, stepping back again.
"Brilliant," the Doctor breathed and I could almost see the hypothetical wheels of his brain turning. He carried on.
I was the first person by the door when we materialized, and I watched the Doctor carefully. Jack and Rose replaced their coats and I hoped that it wouldn't be too cold, wherever we were. The Doctor nodded, as if knowing what I wanted to do, and I pulled the TARDIS' doors open, stepping out into soft sunlight.
I was pleasantly surprised.
We were in a field of some sort, somewhere, and it was beautiful.
The morning sun could have only just risen, and I blinked through its initial brilliance. I gave the side of the TARDIS a soft pat, and was about to step away quietly when she hummed again.
I felt it in my head, this time, the discomfort. It made me uneasy – I did not like to see that the TARDIS was disquieted.
I traced my fingers on the outside panels in a fashion I hoped was comforting, and this time I did step away.
I could almost feel her sadness.
It was comfortably cool, and flowers were beginning to blossom. The smell was heavy, but a relief. Everyone joined me outside shortly after. I didn't blame them if they were conversing about me – I was just as clueless.
"You know, soon, I'm just going to give up thinking I can actually reach the destination I set," the Doctor complained, but he did not step back towards the TARDIS.
It was calming.
Maybe I wasn't the only one who could use that.
Jack was the first to move, setting a pace a ways ahead of us. He turned back or a moment, grinning. It was almost contagious. Rose and Mickey followed shortly after him, arm in arm, laughing together about something.
I walked slowly behind them, glancing around at the scenery. For a moment, I thought the Doctor would join the others. Instead, he fell into step beside me. Companionable silence only lasted a moment before we both spoke up.
I gave an apology.
"Where are you from?"
We blinked at eachother for a moment before both grinning. "You first," he said. "What's there to be sorry for?"
I watched the backs of our companions as they joked about, pushing eachother around and running.
Our companions.
Odd, how quickly it fit, but I wasn't prepared to correct myself.
It felt like I was watching my children play at the park after school. It felt warm.
"I figure it might have hurt when I went barreling into you like that," I offered, and he scoffed.
"As if."
We glanced at eachother for a moment before we burst out laughing.
"Strong man, are we?" I teased, and we spent a few moments calming ourselves down from our giggles. I sidestepped a small, petaled flower.
He looked at me and I shoved my hands in my pockets, gathering my thoughts. "I don't..." I sighed. "I don't really remember." His gaze held. "It's hard for me to," I said, shrugging. "I've got gaps in my memory – huge ones; I've had them since I was small. They've grown in frequency lately," I noted, frowning.
Rose glanced back at us and I waved at her, my smile too close to forced for my own comfort.
The Doctor seemed to consider his next question carefully. "How did you find us?" he asked, and I explained. Feeling like there were things – major things missing. Like my life was a puzzle I had to put together. How I searched for most of my life – forgot almost everything I used to know.
"Some of it is physical," I say, sidestepping yet another flower. The field was slightly unnerving – I unconsciously tread closer to him. "When you arrived with the TARDIS, I felt it," I explain. "I'd never... It was intense." I don't explain how much it hurt. How lonely it felt. He doesn't ask.
"With Rose, it was her warmth. When I bumped into her on the road, she was like a walking fireplace," I watch her, spinning in circles ahead of us. "It was when Jack and Mickey were within my line of sight. And with you..." I stop myself.
"It's a play on my senses." I pause, Jack's laughter almost ringing in my ears.
My steps falter.
The Doctor notices, but doesn't speak.
Mickey outstretches his hands and beckons us. I have fallen silent.
Silent.
Like most everything around us.
I glance at the trees, my heart pounding. Birds fly vacantly from tree to tree. Leaves sway in the breeze. Water laps at the edge of a small pond not far off.
But none of it makes a sound.
I turn as I walk, examining our surroundings from every possible angle. My palms are becoming clammy, my fingers beginning to shake.
That's when I notice it. The hill. The same hill.
My breath catches.
I always took you where you needed to go.
My breathing quickens and the Doctor grasps me by the shoulders.
"What is it? What's wrong?"
I would answer, but it's hard to breathe. It was on the tip of my tongue.
"Silence," I whisper, and he does not speak. He misinterpreted my meaning, but it aids me all the same. Rose, Jack and Mickey have quieted, watching us intently. The Doctor holds up his hand to keep them from moving.
"Silence," I repeat, keeping my eyes locked with the Doctor's. I continue to repeat it, over and over, and I don't mean to frighten them – but I can't stop myself, I can't figure out what it is; what I'm just not seeing.
And suddenly it hits me, and it's like my entire life has changed. Because it has. Because I know.
Because I can remember.
And then I'm rushing, I'm pulling the Doctor by the hand, forcing him to sit on the grass. I join him on the ground as well, and I can't help the words that are tumbling out of my mouth; can't keep them from happening.
Silence will fall.
I almost cry out at the pain in my skull, but manage to stop myself. The words have a corporeal burn.
We're sitting in a square now, the five of us. Jack to my left, the Doctor diagonal. Rose and Mickey are sitting closely together directly in front of me.
None of them knows what's going on, but none of them make a move to ask. That's when I realize.
"Silence will fall when the question is asked," I murmur, and the Doctor's eyes widen. Now we've both realized.
The others are still clueless.
"Doctor," I whisper.
His hands fly to his head, pulling harshly and his hair and he knows. We both know. "Doctor!" he exclaims, and he rubs his eyes. We stare at eachother. We're helpless.
As I look at our companions, I want to say something – anything to quell the fear I know that they're going to start to experience, but all I can do it hopelessly stare, my throat constricting. It's Mickey that goes first.
It's quick when it happens, but he can feel it coming. He presses a quick kiss to Rose's temple and then he's gone – erased from existence, and Rose is left clutching at the air.
By now she's panicking, but it's almost like I can't understand what she's saying. Jack is eerily silent. He's resigned. He knows of what will happen to him; of what to expect. I can only wonder where he will appear and hope that he doesn't have to add much to the list of times he's recorded having died.
I pull both of them close, eyes still focused on the Doctor's. He's holding on to both of their sleeves, and I spend a moment to whisper my goodbyes. I can feel Rose's tears on my shoulder.
It's Jack that goes next, and I can't bear to watch as his body becomes translucent and he's gone, no longer in my grasp.
The Doctor is leaning towards Rose, and despite how close to me they are I can't hear what they're saying.
Whatever the Doctor said has gotten her laughing despite the tears, and the second she begins to go we both feel it. We're both on our knees now, Rose enveloped between us. The Doctor is still talking, distracting her, and I hide my face in her hair.
I gasp as the cold floods us and just like that, Rose Tyler is gone, too.
Rose Tyler, I-
The Doctor and I are the only ones left.
It takes only a moment for our fingers to entwine, keeping what little residual warmth there was between us. My eyes stay locked on his despite their stinging. We're both still on our knees and we lean back to rest on our legs. I wish for nothing more than for the two of us to be able to lie on our backs, stare up at the sky and experience this together.
But with each blink, I can see it behind my eyelids. Burned into my sight.
The text of a book – of one both old and new, stuck in a passage of time. The words are of the Doctor, of Gallifrey and I pick them out individually – Cybermen and Daleks and traveling and a woman and Mary, no – perhaps marry; so much falling and blinking and running and the TARDIS.
And so I held his hands tightly, the feeling of our three racing hearts together at our fingertips.
Despite how much I would like to give in to the temptation, I do not cry. The tears swell up in the Doctor's eyes and we are both well aware; I lean in, place a soft kiss on his forehead. He's trembling.
I pull back to look at his face, sending him a smile conveying everything I did not have the words to say.
And then I've faded away.