Hi everyone,
This is a translation of my fiction "Irrépressible", which is originally in French. English is not my mother tongue, and this is my first time translating one of my stories, so please excuse me if there are still some mistakes (or if my sentences sound a bit funny). I would be very happy to hear your advices if they can help me to improve.
Also, this story is entirely based on a scene from Star Wars VII, so of course it will be full of spoilers. For now, Rey's family is still unknown. The future might tell us that she's related to Kylo Ren. If that's the case, this fiction will become incestuous ^^. Of course in this story, to me, they're not related. I just wanted to share with you a personal interpretation of a scene that I really enjoyed (because everybody likes bad boys ^^).
Enjoy ! =)
Nathalea
I'm alone in the dark room. I'm alone. I'm staring at the mask. Its empty eyes are staring back at me, as if they could see right through me. See the emptiness inside me.
That's wrong, I'm not empty. Come on, pull yourself together, pull yourself together…
I feel It. It scratches like a beast deep inside my stomach, an incandescent ray that transpierces me, biting, gashing, vibrating to the terrifying rhythm of a universe about to be born, of a sun in ebullition, of a singularity repressed to its maximum, crushing, destroying everything, to explode out of my chest, to boil the blood in my veins, to tear my heart apart, to possess me.
The Force.
It is out there all around me. It invades the atmosphere like a fluid. It condenses itself against every pore of my skin and presses, in and out. I feel It, every second of every minute of every hour, going through me, making me Its repository, never ending…
It fills me. I'm not empty. I should be…
There, I feel it again, this dull terror… No, I'm not scared. I'm not scared. But I won't take off my mask. Let these empty eyes stare at me, me… I'm nothing. I'm only the mask. It's better this way.
Why do I feel like I'm standing above a huge precipice…?
No, the mask. Look at the mask. It's not just a mask: it's him. Be strong. You're not scared. You won't lose control. The Force is strong inside you, but you won't lose control.
I must finish what he started…
Entire worlds are shifting inside me… I feel it! I feel it! I can't fall, I cannot be weak! There cannot be any light for what lives inside me… All this rage… Draw from it. You're scared? Use it. But whoever this girl is, you're going to question her, right now.
I leave the room. Cross the ship. Don't answer those who wave at me. Fear is tangible between those walls: the fear I inspire, the fear that inspires me… And the girl. The Force gathers around her like a squalid chrysalis. A gnat trapped in amber… In her presence, I felt a weight I cannot explain, a center of gravity that attracts all those flows around her, holds them, catalyzes them. The Force supports her with as much power as It displays to torture me. No, don't think like that. Suffering is necessary.
I stand for a moment in front of the cell. I order the opening before being able to hesitate. The girl has been here for two hours. Unconscious.
I chase the guards out and get closer to look at her. So, it's her… Yes, it's her… She seems so young. So frail. So vulnerable. Why am I feeling such a threat?
Stop questioning yourself. Question her. Wake her up. Interrogate her. Torture her if necessary, and then take what you want. What you need. What you've been dreaming of, for years…
Luke Skywalker…
I get closer, fingers straight, so close to her mind…
There it is. The center of gravity, the weight. I feel it again. It attracts me, drags me down to the precipice, to this light shaft, help…
Enough. I want to speak to her. But why am I incapable of touching her…?
I remain crucified on the blade of indecision. I kneel down. Time will eventually deliver me. Time will take from me the choice that I am unable to make. Because any minute now, she'll wake up.
She opens her eyes, the Force moves around her like a shock wave, a photon bath that submerges me, suddenly blinding me, but I stay still. Her consciousness gives life to this magnetism I feel around her… She looks around. She sees me.
- Where am I? she says, and fear is on her face.
But she stares at me. She's waiting for an answer. Her fear has no power over her.
- You're my guest, I answer.
Words flow out of me before I even formulate them. I hardly hear the sound of my voice. My thoughts seem to be suddenly stolen from me, sucked up by her, as everything else, to reveal this reserve which is not familiar to me, this staggering mask that hardly hides my fascination…
- Where are the others? She asks.
- You mean the murderers, traitors and thieves you call friends? You'll be relieved to hear I've no idea.
Why wasting so much time like this? Why this insinuation about the fear I inspire her, as if I legitimated that fear, as if I admitted being wrong… Pull yourself together. Stop talking. She's the one who must talk.
- You still want to kill me, I whisper.
That was supposed to be an affirmation. So why do I sense an interrogation in my voice? Why this resignation, this cynicism, almost this… sadness…? No, I'm not sad. Kylo Ren does not feel resignation, nor defeatism, nor sadness. Pull yourself together. Only the weak speak this way. You have a task to fulfill, a duty to accomplish. You are Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren, and the heir of Darth Vader. You cannot allow yourself to be weak… Not with what runs in your veins…
But suddenly, the girl responds:
- That happens when you're being hunted by a creature in a mask.
I stare at her. It's almost as if she hit me. She provokes me, she defies me, like nobody had dared to do since…
Hit her.
No.
Punish her, that pathetic useless scavenger! She's nothing! Command respect! YOU ARE KYLO REN!
Precisely. I get up, take off my mask.
So that she can face her enemy in the eyes.
Well then, what does she have to say? Nothing? Who does she think she's looking at?
Who am I… ?
I get closer to her, smash the mask in the dust. It seemed so heavy in my hand… I can feel the girl's breath on my skin, her eyes locked with mine, wide-opened, terrified. A terror she gathers up against me, to fight me better…
- Tell me about the droïd, I command, impassive.
She utters a stream of mechanical gibberish, without looking at me.
- We know that the robot's map is incomplete, I interrupt her before even knowing if she's making fun of me. We reconstituted the rest thanks to the Empire's archives, but the fragment… Somehow, you convinced the droïd to show it to you. You… A scavenger.
But she's not just a scavenger. Belittling her will not allow me to ignore it. I'm standing right next to her, and I'm trembling because of her sole presence:
- You know I can take whatever I want…, I whisper.
I rise up my hand towards her face, almost against my will, torn apart by the irresistible attraction I feel for what lies behind those deep eyes, this vulnerability turned into strength, right in front of me. The voracious monster that resides inside me attacks the barrier of her mind, scratches it, bites it, while I cannot refrain my curiosity, the turmoil that these emotions inspire me, right on the edge of my fears… I have the feeling that if I touch this girl, she will burn me down. And yet, I keep moving…
My heartbeat rises as she loses ground, while the Force ties us up together, here at this very moment where our minds connect, meet and fight, becoming one… Just like a starving man, I'm craving to feed on what she's got inside her, to feed on her, even if it might poison me…
I touch something: her loneliness, her despair, her fear, all those wrinkles sculpting the landscape of her soul of a thousand facets, furrowed with crevasses, cracks, fissures. I get into all of them and take everything, I possess her:
- You've been so lonely, I whisper.
She trembles at my words. She fights, as physically as with her bare hands. I can feel the outline of her terror as she struggles.
- So afraid to leave.
My words suddenly echo inside me. I repress it, as far as I can. She's my prey, I'm the void. We couldn't be more dissimilar.
- At night, desperate to sleep, I go on, you'd imagine an ocean. I can see it.
It's true. The vision fills my mind, clear, absolute, totally defenseless.
- I see the island…, I continue. And Han Solo.
His face appears to me suddenly, erasing everything else, and I let my hatred reach out to all this power roaring inside me, to maintain my influence. But I cannot contain these words:
- He feels like the father you never had. He would have disappointed you.
Again, the bitterness…
- Get out of my head! She screams, her whole body shaking.
A brief moment, I obey. I give her an illusory relief.
Why are you so soft?! Since when is this your way of doing? Since when do you gently whisper at your enemies' ears?
She's different. There would be no point in forcing her defenses. I must slip behind her defenses.
FORCE HER DEFENSES!
I take a deep breath. I'm sweating. My mask is falling over my face: why am I incapable of holding it back? Why am I incapable of attacking that girl? Am I scared? Am I…
- I know you've seen the map, I say as my voice grows stronger, suppressing these futile thoughts. And now, you give it to me.
There it is. I feel the Force around us. I feel the mind of the girl. Her face contracts and reaches out to me as she fights. I feel the monstrous and crazy creature jumping out of me to rip her defenses to shreds, to break her will, to destroy her…
My mind smashes against hers like a giant wave smashing on the rocks, swallowing it, surrounding it like a trapped animal, and pressing, again, and again, and again, until her strength diminishes, until the frontier explodes like a ripe fruit.
- Don't be afraid, I whisper while giving myself confidence. I feel it too.
- I'm not giving you anything! She articulates.
I step back, despising the softness in my voice:
- We'll see.
And I throw myself into this battle with all the fear this girl inspires me, the frustration, curiosity, rage, fascination, and the anger that grows inside me because of all these passions she awakes, because of this forgotten soul she revives and that betrays me from the inside.
I must destroy her. I must, I must, I must, otherwise, she will have found the light inside me, and I will have failed…
But suddenly, she resists me. I feel it: the Force around her gets as hard as stone, consolidating her defenses, locking down her mind, and the source of my hatred weakens as I stand in front of this impregnable fortress…
She's turning back against me, NO!
It is my turn to feel it: a merciless wave that reaches out to me, tangible, concrete, that smashes against my attack to embrace it, to fight it. Her mind against mine, I can feel the gigantic energy that wishes only to be released: The Force dividing in two according to our wills, twisting, shaking. The girl resists my grip and holds me like in close combat. I can feel all her determination, her spite, and I cannot move forward anymore. Something infiltrates me, lets her in, even desires to let her do so…
No, I must not!
She penetrates me, cold, calm, placid, ineluctable like fate itself. My defenses wither at her touch: I feel her like I've never felt anyone before, and she sees right through me with a fascination equal to mine, a pure attraction that paralyzes me, quarters me, tortures me without a single scream escaping my lips. It's a rape, an agony: the touch of another being like I've never experienced it.
Suddenly, she pulverizes me and everything collapses: NO! She saw right through me, she saw me, she saw me! I'm naked and defenseless and alone, and her mind melts into mine, possesses it, takes it over, deeper than any physical contact would allow, further than flesh. Her light underlines the frontiers of my damnation, sharpens it, stretches it. I'm nothing but a piece of metal eaten by acid. Overwhelmed, I cease for one moment to be me, and she ceases for one moment to be her, we become something else: we become us. I don't know where my mind starts and where hers ends anymore. We become one: a fusion of the hearts, bodies and senses, a union that brings me down and that I do not have the strength to repel. Her assault is firm, but gentle. She does not destroy what she finds in me. She embraces it.
She suddenly looks at me in the eyes:
- You… You're afraid, she accuses. That you'll never be as strong as Darth Vader!
I back up. It's not possible. It's not true. She's just a novice, how could she…
No, such a weakness cannot exist inside me. She's lying!
She saw it. She felt it. And so did I.
My chest is burning. The girl stares at me, but I can't find anything to answer her: she stole me all my illusions, all my words, all my masks. I'm bleeding of terror, of rage, and there is too much pain inside me to express it.
She knows she's won. She starts to realize it, she backs up: NO! Don't go, don't leave me, please! Stay with me! Don't leave me alone! Alone with what I am, alone with this thing, alone with this madness that kills me, exuding, devouring me until there is nothing left of me! Rey! Rey…
I want to kiss you, I want to kill you. I hate you. I love you…
Before even realizing it, my mind goes blank and suddenly, my lips are sealed to hers. Our faces become one after the trial of our souls, and I kiss her to retrieve this one piece she took away from me, this truth that she revealed me: I want to take it back, but it's too late.
She freezes, and yet, she doesn't push me back: her lips open up, and then, it's my turn to take her. I steal from her, looking for a fragment of intensity to feel my void, this gaping abyss she created inside me. I kiss her as if I had to die from it, as if she was my only antidote in this galaxy, my only source of oxygen, and her mouth gives itself to my kiss with total acceptation.
My blood literally bursts in my veins. I don't know if I'm crying, if I'm in a rage or if I'm suffering anymore: all I can feel is this irrepressible frenzy, a desire stronger than my anger, stronger than my power…
My gloved hands caress her, suffering from not being able to touch her, but it doesn't matter: nothing will be as intense as this forced intimacy we just shared…
Without leaving her lips, without untying her, I undo the garment that covers her legs. I open my eyes, and hers are staring at me, lost, stunned, ardent, just like mines. I caress her, but it is me who tremble, overwhelmed by a burning tidal wave. I still feel it: this mind that united to mine, this center of gravity that captivates me, making me want to dive in it, to lost myself in it…
I penetrate her and hold her hands, my eyes locked with hers, until finally, once again, we become one, in every possible ways offered by this universe, further than life. Somewhere between the fear of life and the love of life… Between the dark side and the light.
Rey merged into me and now I merge into her, almost religiously, like a symbiosis, an harmony, and the pleasure she gives me is given back to her according to the most perfect equilibrium there is in this world: two equals, two patterns that can only complete each other, so that everything finally merge and coexist…
I smile against her skin, in her soft smell, while her breath chases mine, her heart beating against mine, going further and further to once again cross this barrier that, for one brief moment, we had abolished. She tightens around me, the Force goes crazy, connects us, enslaving us to each other until the end of times.
I will never be free of her. I know it and she does too. It would kill us, both of us.
I come in a moment of pure transcendence, at the same time as her, at the height of passion, sufferings and contradictions, in love with her and terrified, ashamed, crazy with anger.
A storm is gathering inside me. Once again, I'm torn apart, I fall into pieces: Rey is not inside and I'm not inside Rey anymore, it's so cold suddenly, and the world is dark. My heartbeat echoes my own solitude, trapped in this envelop of flesh and bones. I'm not Rey and I will never be. Just as she'll never be mine. Kylo Ren is waiting for me, and with him, the monster of power that lives inside him.
I back up while she stares at me, as if she understood, as if she was losing her own substance too.
I cannot bear to look at her anymore. I put back my mask and get out, without even putting her clothes back. The questioning is over.