But I'm Doing It for the Team
He wasn't an idiot, he knew he wasn't being healthy, eating healthy, but the feeling of being light, of the time saved... it felt so worth it. He got so much power, he was so in control. He loved the feeling of ordering his body what to do instead of the other way around. He was doing it for his team. He wouldn't let them down, but they wouldn't understand that. So he'll do it by himself, and train harder, just until he was good enough to stop.
OR
Keith eats less and less in an attempt to train more but it backfires when it gets out of control and his whole team is witness.
Eating disorders are bad, unhealthy. This is not advertisement for eating disorders. Please tread carefully. Enjoy the story.
He woke up early. Early enough that Hunk wasn't making breakfast yet, early enough that Shiro wouldn't be up to see him train. He stopped by the kitchen and put a small amount of food goo in a bowl, wiped it around to make it look as if it was eaten from, and put it in the sink. He didn't need the team to know what he was doing.
Back in the training room, feeling light from the feeling of an empty stomach, he started laps and stretches before calling out the gladiator. His stomach turned inwards, protesting for food. Keith ignored it. The feeling made him feel alive, he was in control, he could do anything he wanted.
He wasn't an idiot, he knew he wasn't being healthy, eating healthy, but the feeling of being light, of the time saved... it felt so worth it. He got so much power, he was so in control. He loved the feeling of ordering his body what to do instead of the other way around.
The gladiator feinted left, Keith saw it last minute and stepped back just in time to avoid the full force of the hit. Moving quickly, he ducked under another swing and made a move to punch the gladiator. However, this wasn't a gladiator at the basic level, and it avoided it very easily. As Keith's arm was outstretched, the gladiator stuck his elbow into Keith's which pushed Keith down slightly. It reached out with its other arm and grabbed Keith's face, twisting it the other direction. Grabbing Keith's arm with the hand that wasn't on Keith's face, it tugged and Keith went down hard. Before he knew it, he was on the ground with the gladiators knee at his neck.
"End training sequence"
And then he started again. He made sure to drink lots of water, it kept his stomach quiet and forcibly content. He loved the edge he felt. He knew what eating disorders were, but he could stop at any moment, this was just until he was good enough. He had to train more. He had to be a good team member. He'd been alone, but now he had people counting on him, and there's nothing he wouldn't do to make sure he wasn't the one who brought down the team.
He glanced at the clock. Shiro would be here soon to do his own early morning training, and Keith would be long gone before he arrived. Keith thanked his lucky stars he was born an early bird and went to the showers in the upper part of the ship that was meant for visiting guests. No one could ever hear him there and he basically had the bathroom to himself. He would gladly take a few extra minutes to walk four flights of stairs. Also with his own bathroom, he didn't have to deal with the pile of toiletries Lance had collected, which he still had no clue as to why you needed more than the basics.
As he showered, he felt guilty about avoiding Shiro like that, he loved the man like family. But he knew Shiro wouldn't approve of such an early training time and he just didn't want to deal with that conversation. It was a very important skill to have to know what one has to do in order avoid talking to people unnecessarily. He figured he was helping the team by squeezing in extra training hours, and there's no way that could be bad.
While Shiro trained and the time until breakfast, Keith napped. He couldn't train by himself and he didn't want to alert Shiro so he caught up on the sleep he lost by waking up very early. Also, the more time he spent asleep, even though it was unproductive, the less he had to feel his stomach, which begged for food. No, I won't give in. Keith slept.
At breakfast, when the others were just rubbing the sleep out of their eyes, Keith stopped by the kitchen. He wasn't stupid, he knew if he didn't occasionally show up for meals his team would get suspicious. The excuse that he ate at a different time could only be used in moderation with other techniques. He couldn't let anyone else find out, they wouldn't understand why he was doing it. They wouldn't understand that he was doing it for them. They wouldn't understand the edge that came with a skipped meal, or two, or three, they wouldn't understand the time he saved for training that would have been spent eating, they would understand that he was doing this to get better, so he wouldn't fail them. He would stop just as soon as he was good enough. But not until then.
He made sure to take some Altean fruit he took a liking to from the kitchen with Hunk watching before making it back to his room. He took just a few small bites, and stashed the rest. He tried to avoid bringing too much fruit into his room in fear of it rotting. Mostly he had a lot of stashed baked goods and bread-like objects that for all his team knew, he had eaten. He headed out to the training deck again, this time with the intent of practicing with his Bayard. He would give it about a half hour before his everyone would trickle in. He made a bet with himself as to who would come last. Hunk? Because he was a sweet guy who cleaned up after the rest of them? Pidge? Because she got carried away with some gizmo? Allura? Who he knew loved to read and snuck a page here and there between saving the universe? Or Lance? Who just had a different excuse every time?
It was Pidge. It was a rarity, she missed her alarm. As Keith's top contestant was Hunk for kitchen duties, and he didn't guess correctly, he told himself he couldn't eat lunch. The day passed. Shiro led them through morning training, he made an excuse to get out of lunch, drank more water to keep himself feeling as full as he could, and went back out to train. He caught a session with Allura and Lance, which was not a combination he trained with often, and he relished the challenge. He spent the time before dinner talking with Coran and Shiro about possible advances of Zarkon and spent some more time exploring the Altean archives, he had to learn whatever tactics he could to keep his team safe. He could not fail them.
Keith already forgot how long he's been avoiding food. And it can't have been too long, but he can only think about the next meal, the next meal he's not going to get. Had to have that edge, that feeling of control, he could do this for his team, his ... family.
He lost his routine a bit by bit, day by day. Once here, once there, but each time with a different paladin. Pidge noticed he hadn't been in the kitchen all day, Coran noticed that he didn't look as well rested as he should have been, considering there'd been a lull in finding Zarkon's location. Lance saw him stumble in group training, but didn't say anything about it. Hunk noticed frequent avoidance of the team during meal times, but put it down to 'normal Keith anxiety'. Shiro was at the other end of a conversation when Keith snapped in annoyance at something he normally wouldn't. So far, Keith hadn't had more than one slip up per team member, and he made sure to tell himself it would stay that way.
It didn't. He slipped up again. Put his hand on the wall to catch his breath for a moment too long. Shiro talked to him, told him to eat something and go to bed. He proceeded to go straight to his room. He used to have that feeling of control when he didn't eat, the surge of confidence that came with knowing he had power over his body. But it wasn't as strong anymore, which means he had to train harder to get that feeling back. He woke up earlier, he ate less. But it didn't get better, he just got more hungry. All he could think about was his next meal. The time he used to save by avoiding food and going straight to the training deck was gone. It was replaced by thinking of ways to avoid letting the others catch on to his lifestyle. And all he could think of was his next meal, which he never gave himself. It was an inner battle.
He soon started to forget why he even did this in the first place. Right, he needed to help his team, he needed to train more, and eating like this gave him the control over his life he needed to make that happen. But it also is becoming a struggle with himself. One day he lost his resolve.
They finished a battle at a small planet that the outer reaches of the Galra force had taken for resources. The natives threw a large feast for the paladins and told them they would help fight with whatever forces they had. The food was very good. And Keith knew that not just from the rich smell and it's beautiful arrangement, but by how Hunk could not stop asking the natives how they did it. So Keith gave in. Shiro was eating, Allura was eating, Lance was eating… surely one bite couldn't hurt. He wanted it it so much. So he gave in. He ate, he ate until he could barely walk anymore. Pidge took Keith's moans of delight as something to hold against him later. Keith barely even noticed, he just ate and ate and ate. He felt so unbalanced after he was done, so wrong.
He stood up to go back to the ship, and he almost fell, he felt so strange. His body protested at filling a very empty stomach with a lot of foreign food. And as he was going back up to their lions to get back to the ship, Keith vomited. Everyone saw it, the natives, and Voltron. Shiro quickly bade the planet goodbye and worked to get Keith back up into his lion, to the castle, and to his bed. Shiro and everyone else figured the food just didn't agree with him. Which it didn't, but probably not how they thought.
Vomiting gave Keith the excuse not to eat for the next few days under the pretence of being sick, which Keith was grateful for, because it meant he could get back into his normal routine. He was wrong to have eaten at the feast, his friends needed him to stay in control. And letting himself eat like that was not control at all.
It was a few days after that where Keith made two major stumbles. It was at group training after breakfast. Like usual, Shiro explained the exercise and Lance jokingly commented on it. Hungry, sleep deprived, and tired, Keith snapped back at Lance.
Lance turned to Keith "wow, you know I was just joking, right? Chill."
Keith turned away, mad that he had let his stomach take over his mouth. The group started their exercise. About halfway through, Keith felt a pang of nausea along with a sharp pain in his stomach. It was crying out for food. Keith was indignant, he had drank lots of water that morning, it should have shut his stomach up. He clutched his stomach and fell to his knees, at which point Shiro put an abrupt halt to their group training.
Shiro leaned down to Keith and put his hand on Keith's shoulder. He asked Keith if he still wasn't feeling too well from the disagreeable food from the feast a few days earlier. Keith confirmed, and he didn't know if that was a lie or not, everything was so confusing now. Shiro had Pidge and Hunk walk him to his room and forced into his bed. Hunk brought out some bread and told Keith he could eat it and it wouldn't upset his stomach too much. To be polite, Keith took a bite to get his team off his back as he knew they would protest if he didn't. Once Pidge and Hunk left he took two more bites and then stashed the food with the rest of his uneaten collection.
Within the next few days, Keith got random spouts of dizziness, occasionally accompanied by nausea. Within the next while, the different paladins witnessed this. Allura saw. The next day during a spar with Lance, his stomach shot home with a wave of pain again. He lost his concentration and Lance beat him to the floor without a fight. Both boys were surprised. Hunk saw him change because after that, Keith was much too tired to go up to the the upper decks for the privacy of his scouted bathroom. He should have mustered the energy.
"Keith you're so skinny, no like really skinny, are y-"
Keith ran out to his room. He didn't need to hear anymore. All he could think of was the food in his stash taunting him with all the things he shouldn't eat. Why couldn't he feel normal? Now he felt like he was hindering his team more than before and he couldn't figure out why his plan wasn't working so well, it used to give him the edge he needed. It was working well until it wasn't working well. God, now he couldn't even think straight anymore. Maybe the group training exercise Shiro had planned for tomorrow would help out him back on track. It had to.
Shiro was looking at Keith as he came in to the training room, Keith was still sweaty from his pre-Shiro work out and we was so tired after he couldn't be bothered to get cleaned up. He was still training when Shiro came in for his own workout. They worked out together. Keith could tell Shiro thought something was off, he'd seen that look enough times when it wasn't directed at him.
After the workout, Keith missed breakfast and wasn't even subtle about it. The whole team noticed. He just stayed in the training room, saying he'll eat later. Once the team arrived from breakfast, Keith noticed how vibrant they looked. They didn't look like him, they look bright and filled with energy, and at this point even Keith could see how slow and sluggish he was in comparison.
Shiro turned to Keith, "Keith, you haven't looked so good lately, the whole team is worried, is something wrong, can we talk privately after training is done for today?"
Keith was irritable and hungry, "No, nothing's off, I'll eat later okay?"
Pidge interjected "Keith we didn't say anything about food, is there something we don't know about?"
"I'm FINE. Please leave me alone. Let's just train"
Shiro walked over to Keith, "Keith look at me. Something's going on and there's something wrong, I don't think our private chat can wait, let's go." Shiro told the rest of the team to start warming up and took Keith aside. Shiro said "Keith, you've been tired, you've been snappy, don't think I haven't noticed, and I think at this point even I can tell that well, you've gotten really thin."
Keith mumbled, "I promise you I'm fine, I know what I'm doing Shiro"
"What- what you're doing? What are you doing?"
Keith had already started to walk back to the training deck where the rest of the paladins were stretching. He saw Shiro walk behind him, clearly confused. But Keith could deal with this on his own.
The whole team heard it when Shiro said, "Keith, I strongly recommend you take the day off, you look tired and hungry. Go to the kitchen, grab something to eat, and go to bed. I think you need it"
Keith turned to Shiro, "You're acting like I'm sick, and I'm not, so let's just train."
Shiro conceded, but didn't look happy about it.
"See?" said Keith, "I told you I'm not hungry"
Keith's eyes went wide as he realised what he just said. The whole team barely had time to react to this out of context statement before Keith made the simulation start. The paladins couldn't question him as a team of gladiator's came out with swords and guns flashing.
Shiro wouldn't have it. Within a minute, he stopped the simulation, took Keith by the shoulder, and told him they needed to talk. Keith replied that there was no need for that, and headed for the door. He knew Shiro was thinking he was stubborn, he knew Shiro too well. But he didn't care.
Keith felt it coming before it came. Not now, not now, not now! He was hungry, he was tired, and sometimes he got a little dizzy. He stumbled a bit and heard Lance cry out first. He straightened himself. Luckily it wasn't as bad as usual. He turned to look around at the team when the whole room swerved. Violently. He lost his sense of direction and balance and crashed to the floor.
He closed his eyes to try and make the dizziness stop. Someone may have shouted his name, he wasn't sure. He tried to get up and he felt hands under him, helping him. Maybe it was that person. Or did he hear two people? They said it again! He wouldn't dare open his eyes to check in case the room swerved like before, and he wondered who would even be around. His head was bursting and his stomach nauseated him.
"Get … medical… Keith"
Keith heard swarms of voices around him. A feeling of bounciness, was he being carried? He didn't feel like he was on the floor. He wanted the nice cool floor, why was he being taken away from it? Why were there so many voices too, they weren't helping so why were they there? Why couldn't they just leave him in peace, that's what he needed right now. Peace, silence, and the cold floor.
"Keith… with me buddy… hear me …"
It was too much, everything hurt, he needed silence. He should sleep. With sleep, he could escape to silence. Beautiful, amazing silence. It was so easy too, he felt he could really do it, escape this feeling, the noises. So he slept. He let himself go. It was wonderful.
He could hear voices. But he was so peaceful, he felt … well he felt good. He had forgotten that feeling. He tried to move, but nothing would budge. Slowly, the voices became more coherent as his brain woke up enough to filter what was going on.
"...much …... skinny, he ….. eating …..."
"He passed out from …... and the fact ….. he's starving"
"How long …. doing this?"
"Guys! ….. believe how much food he has in his room …... been doing this ….. long time"
A girl's voice interjected, "That much? How did he not pass out earlier?"
"Well he has been snappy"
"And tired"
"We never see him around the kitchen as often"
"How did that even become the new normal? Why would he do something like this? If he had a problem, he should have come to me. How did I not notice this? How?"
Keith finally started registering the voices. That one was Shiro. And wait, did Shiro think this was his fault? No, Keith had to, Keith had to correct him. Had to tell him he was doing this for them. He willed his eyes to open.
Allura's voice, "Shiro, this isn't your fault, we should have all been more observant. Please do not believe all the blame is yours"
No! Keith thought, this isn't any of yours fault, I needed to do it for you!
"Well yes but I'm the leader! How could I have not seen -"
Keith groaned.
Hunk's voice interrupted, "He's waking up! No wait, don't crowd him"
Keith blearily opened his eyes and saw that he was in the medbay. He could see that all the paladin's were in the room. There was a sting in his right arm, and turning his head, he could see the IV drip. He didn't realize Altean's had IV drips. It was so human. If he had the energy and was alone, he would have given a small chuckle. Shiro's form came into focus as he leaned closer.
"How do you feel?"
Keith decided to answer honestly, "I've been better"
"I know," Shiro paused and then softly asked, "Keith. Why did you do this to yourself?"
Keith didn't pretend he didn't know what Shiro was talking about. He was so tired. Tired from hiding it, tired from doing it, tired of it all. He answered truthfully, "For you"
He went between fitful sleep and painful consciousness for three days. His eating habits had taken a such a toll on his body that once the stress of hiding it was over, he got sick. Keith barely registered through his muddled state of being his fellow worried paladins, who took turns to care for him. After four days he was coherent enough to do things for himself that his IV was taken out. He was told he was going to be re-introduced to food very carefully, so that his body wouldn't react to the sudden shock of being suddenly full.
Once his fever had gone down and he was feeling well enough to talk, he told Shiro everything. As he was on forced bed rest for the next week (not without having tried to escape a few times and his friends dragging him back to his bed) he talked enough with every single team member to help him. There were much healthier ways, mentally and physically to help him train as much as he wanted if that's what he really wished for.
It was a slow recovery. Hunk and Coran took strict control of his diet, and then with Shiro helping him make a much more reasonable schedule, he was slowly getting back on track. There were a few times, correction, many times, where Keith didn't want to eat, after all, he felt fine, but his team quickly found a tactic to get him to eat. They would all sit at the table, and only take a bite when Keith took a bite. Keith hated it, but there was nothing he could do. To get his team to eat, he had to eat. He couldn't let his friends go hungry, that wasn't right. So even though Keith didn't need the food, his teammates did. As time passed this happened less and less. He realised that he was wrong. He did need the food, but sometimes it was just plain stubbornness that didn't let him want to eat a meal.
Hunk and Coran never let him skip a meal, and Shiro and Allura put access restrictions on the training deck, they knew Keith too well. It frustrated Keith, but he knew they were doing it to help him. And he could help his team by letting them do what was right. He knew they would let him have freedom of access again as soon as he was ready. And he wasn't ready just quite yet. He was actually willing to accept that fact. He felt like a new Keith. It was weird.
As he felt better, he slowly fell into old routines with his fellow paladins. He hadn't realized how much time he was trying to spend alone earlier in order to avoid letting his friends catch on to what he was doing to himself. It felt good. And he realized that with a proper schedule, he could hang out with his friends, train enough to be useful, and save the universe.
It was a strange life, but it was his. And he loved it.