"C'mon dad, it's the 13th century!" yelled Phillip in his 20 year old angst. He didn't want rules, or the fastest mustang, or the newest silks. He even didn't Stephan and Leah's throne! All the boy wanted to do was listen to his minstrel play grunge music and talk about the girl he met in the forest, Briar.
"But son, we need the throne!" his dad argued
"We already have a throne! Why do we need more?"
"If Stephan's daughter didn't die at a young age, we wouldn't have this problem!" yelled Philip's dad.
But the young prince heard none of this was he stormed out to go to his jousting practice.
…
Maleficent let out a cruel laugh. Everything was falling into her hands! Now all she needed was the kingdom to rule the world!
"Minions! When is my next hair appointment? I need to look spectacular when I take over the castle. "
…
"But my name is Briar! Briar Rose!" insisted the princess to her godmothers. Who would give their child such a gaudy name like Aurora?
"You're the princess anyway and you need to reclaim your kingdom before anyone else does," said Flora.
"Ugh! Can't a teenage girl get some sleep! That's all I want…and that guy I met in the forest. I'm going back to bed!" Aurora slammed her door.
Flora sighed. Do teenagers ever realize what's in front of them?
…
"Regina! What are you doing in my universe?" demanded Maleficent.
"Taking another castle over. I think I'll use this for brooding and talking to my mirror," replied Regina.
"Another mirror? You're so vain! You're so vain you probably think this spell is about you!" And with that Regina vaporized.
The joke in reality was one Maleficent, because when Regina made a TV show about the fairytales coming together in one kingdom, Maleficent was the butt monkey of the show. And Regina made millions of dollars parodying everyone in the Fairytale world, while having Jennifer Morrison give the (lack of) men some fan service.
…
"Briar! Wake up!" yelled Phillip, tossing pebbles at her window.
"Ugh! Who dares awaken me from my slumber" yelled an irritated Briar Rose. When she saw Phillip outside her house she started blushing. "I was just kidding! Good morning!"
"Morning, Sleeping Beauty!" he yelled back. She closed her curtains and brushed her crazy hair and got dressed before she answered him again.
"We're going on an adventure today, by the way." Briar told her boyfriend. She wore a shorter dress with some chain mail pants underneath.
After explaining her just discovered past and her new quest, Phillip stood at a fork in the (figurative) road. 1) He could follow his love to her castle, reclaim the kingdom, and marry her , or 2) he could leave her. He loved her so One seemed like the perfect option, but it would make his father's point right; and he just couldn't stand it when his father was right. His father was always right! Staying in the rain too long gives you a cold, Orion's Belt is not an actual belt, and hobbits are not your pets! But Phillip loved his best friend too much to prove a point, so he went with her.
…
Phillip's father was going to get the kingdom without his son. He was buddies with Stephan and he knew what words worked best. Or at least how arsenic worked.
…
"Oh my pretties! Why are you going in the direction of the castle?" an old lady asked the young adults.
"We're in the direction of the castle? Sweet!" said the young man, high fiving his friend. "I knew how to work this compass. Well, thanks again lady." The two began to wander away.
"Wait! You have to stay!" yelled the old lady impatiently.
"Why?" asked the girl.
"Because I said so!" the old lady demanded as she transformed into Maleficent.
Briar drew out her dagger. She had always known Maleficent wanted her. She was jealous of her beauty! Wait, that was Snow. Well, she always wanted her voice- Ariel! Her magical hair? Her cooking? Oh forget it. Maleficent was just a jealous b.
The dagger just went through the witch like it was transparent.
"Oh puh- lease, princess! You know I am the most powerful witch ever!" And with that Maleficent turned into a dragon.
Phillip was not impressed. When Briar was getting dressed that morning, Phillip was downstairs talking to her fairy godmothers. They didn't speak much, but they gave him magic armor just in case (which he understands now) and told him to watch out for creepy old ladies.
Just as the dragon bent down to breath fire on him and Briar, Phillip raised his shield. The fire repelled off of the shield and onto Maleficent, who gave a loud cry and fell on her back. Phillip took the chance and stabbed the dragon with his magical sword repeatedly until it stopped flailing. For added effect, Briar kicked its head.
"That's for whatever you have against me!" She kicked it a few more times.
"Briar, you can stop kicking her now. Briar. Briar!" yelled Phillip, restraining his best friend from inflicting any more blows to a now transformed dead Maleficent.
"I hate her! She cursed me and took me from my parents! I can never touch sharp objects without getting comatose!"
"It's okay. It's okay. You've got me. We'll break the curse. We just need to go home. We'll get married and live happily ever after." Phillip said calmly.
"We'll get married?" asked Briar Rose.
Phillip pulled an opal ring off of the dead Maleficent finger and got on one knee.
"What should I call you?" he asked.
"I'm Briar. I've always been."
"Briar Rose, you are my best friend and my love. Will you marry me?" proposed Phillip.
…
"Finally the castle!" Said Phillip, "almost home." He smiled at Briar.
Briar wasn't talking. She smiled to herself and at the opal ring on her left hand.
They opened the gates, then the castle doors. Briar looked at Phillip.
"Where are the guards? Or my Parents? Why did everyone leave?"
"Oh no my dear, your parents are here." a voice from the corner said. Phillip's dad came into the light.
"Dad! What are you doing here?" asked a very confused Phillip.
"Well son, I took over the kingdom! Welcome to our castle!"
"But it's not ours, it's never been ours! It's her's!" yelled Phillip, pointing at his fiancé.
"Boy! It won't be her's. I killed her parents and she's got a curse coming her way."
"We broke the curse!" yelled Phillip.
But his father wouldn't hear it and pulled out a sword to stab a distracted Briar Rose. Phillip pulled out his and deflected the attack before she got touched. Phillip and his father engaged in a tense battle. After Phillip broke his father's sword, the king jumped on his son. He grabbed the sharpest thing next to him, a spinner's wheel.
"HEY!" yelled Briar, "No one kills my fiancé!" And she attacked the king herself. He could have killed her, but this spinner's wheel was different. It poked her and she fell into a coma.
This distraction gave Phillip the time he needed to recover. When his father had his back turned, the young man got to his feet.
"Hm, it looks like the curse is in place. Well, come with me my boy and we'll rule the land."
Phillip starred at his father with derision.
"Or I could just kill you and you'll be in happily ever after with your dead princess."
This set off Phillip. He Stabbed his father with such might that he keeled over.
"SHE'S NOT DEAD. SHE'S JUST CURSED!"
Phillip then picked up Briar off the floor.
"This better work, or else I am wrong and my dad is still right." He then kissed her.
"Is the curse finally broken?" asked an awoken Briar Rose, "because I am so done with falling asleep over and over again."
…
Three months later, Phillip and Briar were married in front of the kingdom. The two lived happily ever after as they had many children, ruled their kingdom, and were never mentioned in that fairy tale show Regina wrote. Everyone was happy.
The End!