The Empire Strikes Back - A Parody by Super Tinfoil Man
AN - I do not own Star Wars _
A long time ago , in a galaxy, far, far away...
IT IS A DARK TIME FOR THE REBELLION.. WITH THE DEATH STAR BEING THE LEAD MANUFACTURER IN LIGHT BULBS, THERE`S JUST DARK TIMES ALL AROUND NOW ISN'T THERE ! WAY TO GO REBELLION ! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW WITH NO LIGHT BULBS ? BET YOU'LL THINK TWICE BEFORE DESTROYING A SPACE STATION EH ? ANYWAY, WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT AGAIN ? OH YA ! O.K , A GROUP OF FREEDOM FIGHTERS LED BY...O.K, WAIT A SECOND...THESE FREEDOM FIGHTERS WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO BE THE REBELS WOULD THEY ? ANYWAY, THEY ARE LED BY LUKE SKYWALKER, WHO DECIDED TO SET UP A SECRET BASE ON THE REMOTE ICE PLANET OF HOTH, WHY DID THEY LISTEN TO THIS KID ?
THE SUPER EVIL LORD , DARTH VADER, WHO IS OBSESSED WITH FINDING THIS SKYWALKER , HAS DISPATCHED THOUSANDS OF PROBES IN THE FAR REACHES OF SPACE...
The planet Hoth sat there in space like a big, useless chunk of ice. Approaching out of the darkness of space was a deadly looking Imperial Star Destroyer.
... SORRY, ITS ME AGAIN, THE OPENING SCROLL. I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT DARTH VADER IS REALLY PISSED OFF NOW AFTER GETTING EMBARRASSED BACK BEFORE THE DEATH STAR BLEW UP. O.K, BACK TO THE STORY...
The Star Destroyer made a grunting noise then shit out a few probes out of its backside. One of the probes zipped towards Hoth, where the other probes went remains a mystery to this day.
THE PLANET HOTH - DAYTIME
Luke Skywalker rode his quick Tauntaun through a rocky slope through snow and more snow. He stopped his riding lizard when he spotted something flashing through the sky. He took off his snow covered goggles and wiped the snow off his macrobinoculars. He saw the probe make impact in the snow and throw more snow into the air. He wiped the snow off of his special wrist communicator and moved his lips in front of it, words soon followed.
" Echo Three to Echo Seven, Han old buddy do you copy ? "
" Yo, dis be Echo Five, word up Lukewalker ! "
" Sorry Echo Five, " Luke rolled his eyes , " I was looking for Echo Seven. "
" This is Echo Seven, " Han responded, not sounding too pleased, " Remember when we came up with these cool code names to call each other on this mission kid ? "
" Yeah, " Luke smiled , " You like them ? "
" I really couldn't care either way, if somebody was listening in they'd know somebody was down here anyway. But that`s not the worst part, the first thing you say is , Echo Three to Echo Seven, HAN old buddy do you copy ? See anything wrong with that sentence Luke ? "
Luke rubbed the snow off of his face and decided to change the subject, " I saw a meteorite hit the ground nearby, I`m going to check it out. "
" No problem, I'm headin back to base , oh and Luke..."
" Ya ? "
" Stop wasting the batteries on these things! " Han yelled a few meters away on his own Tauntaun.
Luke nodded and punched his Tauntaun in the back of the head, his lizardmobile ran off in the direction of the meteorite. His Tauntaun soon became irritated and jumpy. Luke tried to calm the lizard down by rubbing its side.
" Whats wrong old girl ? Tits frozen ? " Luke reached down to feel the Tauntauns tits but it was too late, a huge Wampa beast punched Luke in the face and knocked him out, the non Jedi fell to the ground. The Wampa grabbed the Tauntaun next and gave it a Stone Cold stunner, the Wampa then quickly crawled next to the knocked out Tauntaun yelling obscenities at it.
INSIDE THE BRAND NEW REBEL BASE HEADQUARTERS
General Reekman watched Han Solo walk into the command center, he quickly turned off his Minecraft game to a view of the planets orbit.
" Solo. "
" No signs that say LIFE out there general. " Han reported while trying to stick his chest out more than the Generals.
" And I thought that Skywalker kid was dumb, holy shit. " The General shook his head, he quickly saw how much that comment hurt Solo so he quickly tried to boost his confidence, " listen, I didn't mean that. Without you guys we would definitely be sitting ducks out here. In fact, without you Solo, I don't think the Rebellion could survive. I'm glad you decided to stay with us after all. You are going to be one great leader Solo, heck, you already are a great leader. "
" General, I've got to leave. I cant stay anymore. "
" You are one true asshole Han Solo. " The General grumbled then returned to his game.
Han dug his hands in his pockets and strolled over to Princess Leia who was busy checking her E mail account.
" Well, I guess this is it. "
" That's right. " She responded, not even looking in his direction.
Han screwed up his face and tried his best Han Solo the smuggler impression while tilting his head slightly to the right, " Well, don't get all smushy on me princess, goodbye ! "
Han marched out of the command center after a quick baton twirl. Leia jumped up and ran after him in the hallway.
" HAN ! "
Han turned to face the wrath of Leia. " Yes, your Highnessnessnessness ? "
" I thought you decided to stay. " Han said, staring a hole through her.
" Well, the bounty hunter we ran into on...wait a second , " Leia laughed , " I think we got our lines mixed up. "
" No, that's not it ! Come oooon ! Ahhhh ! " Han pointed to his puckering lips.
" I need ? I don't know what your talking about. " Leia said, full of confusion.
Han pointed to his lips and made kissing noises, " You want to kiss me. "
" I think you might have a brain injury Han. " Leia shook her head in disgust and walked back to the command center.
" YOU COULD USE A GOOD KISS ! " Han roared down the hall, red faced. Chewbacca quickly turned the corner and gave Han a hard kiss right on the lips.
Han wiped his mouth off , " Not you old buddy. "
Chewbacca let out some muffled growls.
" No, we don't knock out our mates in the human world pal. " Han laughed.