This is just an insane one-shot about my man Rufus. Prompt was a modern version of Shakespeare's Richard III.
Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl okay? Stop ruining my life, dawg!
Burger King
"Attention employees! Can I have your attention," the assistant manager of Burger King blasted over the megaphone. His nametag cheerfully stated, "Hi, My name is Toby, how can I help you?" He always seemed to speak as if he were talking to a large crowd, rather than a few bored burger flippers. Rufus had only taken a job there because he was broke and also desperate.
"I would like to announce that we will be having our annual Employee of the Year contest. The winner will be determined by their work efforts and overall benefit to this great company." Yeah, yeah, yeah, does this guy ever shut up?
"The winner will be crowned," Rufus suddenly perked up, "at the party to raise money for the OFTUCOTUSA, also known as the Organization for the Underprivileged Children of the United States of America."
"When you say the winner will be crowned do you mean like he'll get an actual crown?" Rufus casually inquired.
"But of course." It was getting late, so everyone scurried out the door hoping to escape the clutches of Toby. "You also receive a month's worth of free burgers!" the assistant manager yelled over their shoulders as they were leaving.
This instantaneously rooted plans in Rufus's mind and once that seed was there, nothing could stop those wicked weeds from growing. He longed for that crown. Now the vision of him being placed above others was there and he'd do anything to attain glory. The only question that remained was: What? What was going to set him apart from the others? What could make him so inconceivably great that they had no choice, but to worship, err, crown him?
Then it hit him, literally, and the brilliant idea came from the most unpredicted person, Sam. Sam was tolerable enough, but was he was oblivious to almost everything. This, Rufus reasoned, could be to his advantage, but does Sam have to be so clueless that his standard form of greeting is smashing a man's arm and saying absurdly,
"Whassup Ruffy Luffy in the house of skillet? Man you could like cook waffles in your house it's so amazingly skillet like. So what you been up to, homey?" To which, the only sane answer was of course,
"Um, nothing."
"Ya know, Toby's been messing up how I roll, he's not even our manager, he's the assistant, so like who's he supposed to be assisting? 'Cause you know it seems to me that he like doesn't really assist. He just, well, manages. Am I right dawg or am I left, because I really gotta leave."
"You most assuredly are right. Thank you! You have helped me answer what."
"You are one funny dude, but I'll catch ya later. I gotta motor because my wife will be wondering where I'm at."
Sam left Rufus standing there in a daze, unaware of the thoughts he had stirred.
It was obviously one of the easiest plans he had ever come up with. The only downside to it was that no one got drunk or otherwise influenced. The plan did call for his greatest talent: the ability to charm. Oh, he had found out who the manager was alright and he would win her over.
He was no Abercrombie model, but was, in fact, the dorkiest dork that ever dorked. Or that was how Sam had said it anyway. He had noted over the years that girls seemed to feel sorry for geeks. Sad, sincere, and smart geeks who can't get a date to save their life are currently "in." Ol' Rufus would be sure to pull off that act, at least until the OFTUCOTUSA party. He had made sure that the decision wasn't made until the end of the party, ensuring him enough time to flatter her.
"Oh, I'm sorry I don't think we've met before, I'm Sophie Slater, the manager. I've been in Europe for the past month, but I got back yesterday, in time for the party."
"America is all the more beautiful from it, but poor Europe must be exceedingly dull from its loss." Yes. He had made it past part one, the blush. Next comes the hair flip, nervous laughter, playful shove, yada yada. He had done this so many times it had grown monotonous. But, Rufus had yet to gain one thing, just one more line,
"Would you like to dance, fair lady?" And as a final touch, he bowed. Was it coming? Had he won? Yep, just like clockwork, there came the snort. Once she snorted you might as well toss her the engagement ring. Little Miss Sophie had been, in every sense of the word, wooed.
"Welcome everyone to the fifth annual OFTUCOTUSA fundraiser party. I would like to thank our Burger King staff for their efforts this week. They made this party a success. We at BK are honored to cater this event…" Boring.
"Now is the moment you've all been waiting for, the announcement of our Employee of the Year. Certain employees have been disqualified for missing their shifts this week." Wait, what did Toby say? A wave of panic swept over Rufus. Could it be that he missed his shift because he was so caught up in the making of his stupid plan? He was supposed to come in this morning. Wasn't he? He didn't remember doing so.
"The winner is Sam Calhoun for the diligence he showed this week. I personally congratulate you and thank you for all your hard work." Rufus watched in horror as the plastic rhinestone covered crown was place upon that imbecile's filthy head. How could this be? His wit did not win for him?
Later, Sam walked over to Rufus, who sat sulking in a corner. "Ya know, its like my mom always said, 'Shortcuts are not safe. They are bumpy and you get lost. Then your headlights go out and it all goes downhill from there. Seriously, they went down a hill. So if you take the long road, you'll be late, but you will always get there.'"
To which, of course, the only sane answer is, "Uh, right, whatever."