A/N: I own nothing of J.K. Rowling's.

"Are you serious?" I hollered while glancing at Leo then back to Fiona. Why did my child have to go parading around like a whore in all hours of the night. I mean can't a father catch a break. It's like once I'm done dealing with one child I move on to the next, it's really rather tiring.

"And with Leo…..come on! Christ Fee!"

Draco grunted. "My kid isn't the end all-be-all, Theo. Be thankful it wasn't Sebastian."

Draco was my best mate. Always has, always will….but he could be so fucking thick sometimes. "That's the point…he's a bloody Malfoy. I knew exactly how you where in school, man…..I helped you plan half the shit you got yourself into." Draco smirked and rubbed his jaw in agreeance

Leo was a good kid though, as far as I knew. Draco was a shit in school and I don't want to have that image burned into my brain when it concerns my kid….no matter how much of a bint she is. I don't want my daughter impregnated. Sue me.

"Well, at least she's a pureblood dad." Why would now be a good time for him to open his trap? Come on Leo. I shook my head.

"Wrong. Thank you for playing." Draco deadpanned

"Pureblood and Mudblood makes a half-blood. No really Leo….thanks for playing." Fiona held back her snicker. I could see that it was hard for her. I was close to telling her that if she kept making that face that people would ask her if she was constipated.

She had enough humiliation for one night.

I think some sick part of her got off being able to say that her mom was a mudblood and other people couldn't….no make that wouldn't say shit to her. My child; the bigot.

She knows how to make her daddy proud.

"Well, it's been fun but I'm going to bed. Good night." I heard light foot steps following close behind. I made it around the corner before I became tired of being followed.

"What Fiona." I keep walking

"Are you going to tell mum?" She had made her way to my right side.

"No." Still walking. "you are." I smirked and gave my self an internal pat for being a jerk. It was fun to watch Fiona squirm. That rarely happened. I didn't hear Fiona's feet anymore, so I presumed that she stopped.

"Dad." I keep walking until I made it to my dorm. "Dad" I whispered my password.

"Dad!"

"Good night, pumpkin."

"Eat shit."

The next morning I was shoving food into my face as I heard heels clicking. I silently cursed myself. Sounded like Louboutin's to me. Black patent leather with red soles.

There where few female professors that wore heels, and Pansy was more of a Jimmy Choo kind of gal. I stole a glance under my arm. Yup….Louboutin's. Damnit.

I faced forward and pretended that I had no clue that Satan was headed my way. But damn did Satan look good in those pumps. But, I guess that's the point….to tempt the weak. Well, Granger had that one down. I could vouch; she bared my spawn…..twice.

I could feel her glare burn holes through the back of my skull as she made her way into the seat next to me. I heard Draco let out a low whistle as she sat. The bastard always loved a good fight.

"Well…." I glanced to Granger and gave her my best 'I have now fucking clue what your about to talk about, nor do I care' look.'

"Well what?"

"What happened with Leo?" I had to try hard not to choke on my pumpkin juice. I am still caught off guard by this woman more than I would like to be. She's a right pain I'll tell you.

"I have no clue what you're talking about." Granger glared at me. I'm screwed

"I find that hard to believe Theo, since your daughter decided to spill her guts about what happened." I shrugged.

"Good. That's what I told her to do."

"Ha! So, you where there. You have more than one daughter you know."

Of course I have more than one daughter. I was there when I made them and I was there when they where born. What the hell was wrong with this bint. I think I'd know…..ahhh, well played sir.

"How the hell did Sofia find out about this?"

"Girls talk. Fiona and Sofia tell each other more than I thought they did. By the way, you unintionally tattled on Fee. I figured that you where hoping she would tell me herself and you would show up just in time to watch a shit storm ensue. Fiona told Sofia, who intern told me. Sofia hasn't quite grasped the concept of confidentiality. Lucky for me, because you just confirmed. Unlucky for you because you didn't get what you wanted. I would say my work is done."

I had to stop my mouth from hitting the floor. I can't believe Granger had it in her. I knew she was evil, but conniving was something that she didn't just flaunt around. It was her art and was rarely seen. I just don't understand why she used it on something so trivial.

"So other than sucking the souls out of the innocent, how is your day fairing with your revelation?" Granger scoffed at me. Bitch

"I never tire of your wit." Granger deadpanned. It was time for the smirk. She left it open so I had to take it.

"Or my charm and Devilish good looks." Granger scoffed at me again. Why was I being scoffed at so much today? I wonder if she thinks that I'm joking. I don't joke about such things as my handsomely rugged good looks. I dropped my fork on the plate, stopped chewing and looked over to Granger. I sat back in my chair waiting for her to continue.

"Well once you have had the whole package, your charm tends to fade. I'm so sorry that my panties don't drop at the sight of those pearly whites." Granger smirked as she traced my jaw with her finger tip. I swatted her away and made a gesture for her to get to the point. "Anyway, I want to know what you know. I don't think that Fiona will tell me unless I corner her…have you ever cornered her before? It's like backing a rabid dog into a corner…..it's terrifying." Granger shook her head and turned back to me.

"I caught Fiona and Leo in the common room. They where in a very compromising…..position. Needless to say we gave them a talk and I went back to bed."

Hermione huffed. "Why did it have to be a bloody Malfoy? She couldn't pick someone normal. What did Draco have to say about all of this?" Draco threw his Daily Prophet down and leaned forward to glare at Granger.

"I'm right here you stupid bint. There wasn't much to say, Leo can plow whatever field he wants." Draco threw Granger one of his trademark smirks. Granger rolled her eyes.

"I'm so glad that I never reproduced with you." Granger stated matter of factly..

I rolled my eyes at the both of them. Draco and Granger had a small stint before we got together and then about a year after Sofia was born. I was never mad at Draco the first time it happened because I happened to be shagging the mother of his devil spawn; Astoria. Now there's one twisted story for you. She is completely nutters. I thought that Granger was off her rocker….she had nothing on that psychopath. Anyway, that's a story for later on down the road. Now back to me and my dysfunctional, twisted family. The second time around I wasn't as forgiving. I mean Draco broke guy code and we had it out on the lawn like real men do. I'm not going to lie I had no clue that Draco had it in him. Fighting like a muggle was completely beneath him, but when it really comes down to it, beating the bloody pulp out of each other was better in the end. We shook hands, made our way to the pub and Granger stood there like a complete and utter moron with my kids hanging off of her. Take that Granger! I didn't care what it was, if it rubbed Granger the wrong way I was willing to do it. If you haven't guessed by now, I have this strong love hate relationship with the mother of my bastard children. I do love my girls though, very much. I raised Fiona her whole life and Sofia until she was eight and decided that she wanted to be a traitor. Moron. Sofia is smart and had wits about her. You think she would realize that daddy's love could buy her pretty things, unlike her ungrateful mother.

"I am as well darling. At least my blood line wasn't tainted like poor Theo's."

Draco smiled at his own comment. He thinks he's really clever. That was laughable.

I turned back to Granger before she could come back with a witty retort. I didn't have time for their stupid babbling.

"Once again, did you have a point to why you are verbally berating me at the breakfast table?" Granger rolled her eyes.

"I am not berating you. Just think of it as witty banter between two adults."

She smiled at her self. Oh Gods, she thought she was just as clever as Draco. Poor bint. That was even more laughable. "anyway, I just wanted to know what happened with Fiona and Leo."

I stood up from my table and brushed off my pants. I didn't like wearing robes if I didn't have to. I always opted for a dress shirt and some nice slacks. I'm a good looking man, so why not dress too impress all the time. Granger never wore her dress robes either unless it was chilly. I think she had a plan to try to kill me every day with those tight pencil skirts and fuck me pumps. I shook off those thought as I began walking to my classroom.

Granger was hot on my heels. Why can I never get a break from the women in my life?

I whipped around and stopped in front of Granger. She bobbed back a bit on her heel.

"Look, just ask her about it. Because if I know Fee, she's going to tell me that she told you which, you and I both know is a lie. You are the one that wants to know what's going on. She is your child as well. Just talk to her…and stop using me as a damn ping pong ball, in your twisted mother/daughter battle for dominance." Granger recoiled as if I struck her in her bloody face. Jesus, now I have to think quickly before I actually get slapped. Crazy lady and her damn mood swings. I shoved my hands in my pockets as I scanned her body and dropped my gaze to her shoes and then back up to her face.

"Keep wearing pumps like that Granger and we will be trying for a third." I smirked down at her. Chew on that Granger. I turned and made my way to the classroom, just glad that I talked my way out of being physically assaulted.

I made my way to my desk as my class began to file in. I had just made my self comfortable and reclined back in to my chair. I saw Fiona push past students as Rhea Malfoy and Verona Zabini followed. I watched as Fiona slammed her bag on her table and made her way to me.

"A word?" I couldn't help but chuckle at Fiona's mini tirade. She looked just like Granger with her hands on her hips and her curls flailing around her. Unlike her mother Fiona looked like me. She had deep chocolate tresses and bright green eyes. I loved my daughter's eyes. They where almost translucent, it was like she could see into your soul. With that said…..watch the fuck out because the bitch is nuts and she will turn you to stone! It's how she lured the poor boys in. Fools I tell you. Especially that bloody Decklin Finnigan. Poor bastard. He was a sucker for my mini Medusa. I gave Fiona a questioning glance.

"No." Fiona shook her head and put her hands on the table and leaned in towards me.

"What the fuck do you mean by no? Did you tell mum? She had been looking at me funny." She hissed as she snatched the paper airplane I had made the day before out of my hands, crumpled it and threw it pass my head. I sighed and shot her a glare. Stupid little shit ruins all my fun.

"I didn't have to. You can thank your mouthy little sister for that." Fiona leaned back from the desk and crossed her arms. She thought for a moment and I watched as that crazed smirk formed on her face. I'm just happy that I won't be on the receiving end of her madness. Crazy bint. Fiona shook her head before she spoke.

"Vivian is here. Thought you would want to know before she barged into your classroom." Fiona replied dryly as she examined her finger nails. Shit. That is just what I needed. My drunken unstable mother coming to school. It must be really important or really stupid for her to make a trip. There was no gray are with my mother. To her everything she had to tell you mattered, and to you it was basically useless fodder from a woman that spent more time with Kettle One and Viocadin than her consciousness'.

Oh how she had a soft spot for muggle liquour's and prescription drugs. I wanted to rip my hair out. She was the last thing that I needed. God help me if she runs into Granger. I can't recall the woman ever calling her by her name; she always referred to her as baby factory. BF for short. On good days it was 'The ungrateful whorish twat that was knocked up by exceedingly handsome son.' Needless to say, Christmas was always a joy.

"Stop referring to her as Vivian, she's your grandmother for fuck sake."

Fiona guaffed. I can't catch a bloody break from this scoffing and guaffing today.

"Tell her to stop referring to me as spawn." I let out a chuckle as I petted Fiona's hand.

"Think of it as a pet name. Now sit down spawn I have class to teach." Fiona shot daggers at me as she turned to take her seat in-between Rhea and Verona.

Fiona shot a glance back and rested her chin on her palm, eyeing her nails once againbe fore she spoke with a bored tone.

"You know if Vivian is here, so is Narcissa….just saying." Rhea turned to her and nudged Fiona hard before she started to gather her books. She gave Fiona an exasperated look. Narcissa wasn't as bad as my mother, although she loved to barge in on Draco just the same. She wasn't a drunk like my mother, but where she lacked she made up being overtly dramatic. You should have seen her on the day Draco and that bint Astoria where married, Narcissa blubbered like a bloody whale. It was fucking hilarious.

"Shut the fuck up. Wait until daddy hears about this. Damnit." Rhea rushed out of the room before I even had time to stop her. Normally I would grab my student by the collar and tell them if I had to be here then they had to as well…..but I didn't want to take the risk of running into those two gossip mongering hags. That ladies and gentlemen is what we call damage control.

Fiona gave me a smug look and shrugged her shoulders. My trademark smirk graced her face. I had to fight back the urge to not stick my tongue at my eldest daughter. I went about my business and taught my class as I normally would, minus a few disruptions.

I had too deduct 20 points from Slytherin. Sebastian Zabini thought it would be smart to set his wand to stir potion. If not done properly Draught of the living dead will combust.

Now I was out of a cauldron because that little shit tried to cozy up to Fiona. He was quite restless when it came to her. Sebastian leaned his back into the table and swiped a piece of Fiona's hair that had fallen out of place. I watched as the idiot leaned into his embrace. I can't believe I claim her sometimes. For as vicious as my delicate flower was, she sure swooned easy enough. But maybe that was part of the plan; lure men in and them rip their heads off. If this was Fiona's technique…..it sure worked wonders.

"Sebastian!" I barked as I stood up from my chair. "we do not touch things that do not belong to us." Sebastian jumped then quickly replaced his mask of nonchalance. He threw a smirk to Fiona and tossed his hair back. Sebastian was his father in every sense of the word. Tall, Dark and Handsome. What the hell else do we expect from Italians? He had shaggy brown hair that fell into his eyes and past his ears. Sebastian had dark chocolate eyes like his mother, Pansy. He was the spitting image of Blaise though, had his cleverness and quick wit. But like all of us at that age Sebastian was quite the charmer and it had been a well known fact that he had his sights set on Fiona since third year. Lucky Me! I guess I couldn't be too upset. When you reproduce with someone as good looking as me you're bound to have ungodly beautiful children. Both of my girls where beautiful. Sofia had boys knocking down the door, she's just to wrapped up in detention to notice. I swear that girl couldn't find trouble if she had a map…..it just had a pleasant way of finding her. She was conniving, stealthy and quick as a whip. If you told her a boy liked her she would probably laugh in your face and tell you to ease up on the drinking.

As if on cue my little tulip bounded through the door with Slate Zabini following close. Her partner in crime. All the Zabini boys where well known for their unbelievably good looks and being the biggest trouble makers in school.

"Hey, daddy." Sofia jumped on my desk and crossed her legs as she picked up one of the paper airplanes I had made. She flicked her wand and it began to fly around the room.

"I'm in the middle of class Sofia." Sofia shrugged as she turned her head from the ceiling back to me.

"So? I have something I need to tell…." Out of the corner of my eye I saw the plane crash and burn on my desk. Sofia turned her head so quick that I had to lean back in my chair so I wouldn't get whiplash. She shot a glare to Fiona. Fiona had her wand pointed as the plane with a cold mask in place of her beautiful face.

"I bet you do asshole." Fiona tried brushing past Sebastian but he grabbed hold of her arms and yanked her back. We all knew of Fiona's temper and the damage she was capable of…Sofia though was growing into her own and was just as damaging as her sister. Fiona dropped her hands to her side and turned her head to glance as Sebastian.

"Remove your hands or I will remove you testicles." Fiona said cold and flat. She hated being man handled. Ouch! Nice moved Sebastian. I guess your going to have to start from scratch to get the girl…again. It's like a damn muggle soap opera in this school.

Sebastian quickly let go as he moved to stand next to his brother. Slate snickered which earned him a jab in the ribs from Sebastian.

Fiona made her way to Sofia and stopped directly in front of her. She had a bored look on her face. If it weren't for the fact that my girls looked just like me, I would have thought Malfoy fathered them from the look on Sofia's face.

"You told mum." It wasn't a question. Sofia shrugged and flipped her dirty blonde hair over her shoulder. "I told you that information in confidence you little twat!"

Sofia sighed and rolled her eyes. "She was going to find out eventually, whether or not you like it. I did you a favor you ungrateful slag!" Fiona glared so hard at Sofia I thought that she was going to burn holes in the dumb bint's skull. That's right Sofia patronize you mentally unstable sister. Normally I wouldn't mind letting them go at it but I was to close to comfort and I don't want to be caught in the crossfire. The slightest move and Fiona might attack….I always thought she could smell fear.

"Think of what I did as ripping off a band aid. Besides it doesn't matter, mum's not mad at you. You're welcome." Fiona looked a little taken aback. None of us where used to Sofia being so quick. I mean she always was but now she was turning into a little Fiona. Which meant that Fiona had to keep her wits about her own sister. Oh this just keeps getting better and better. My girls are rather amusing. I decided that since the worst was over it was safe for me to prop my feet on the table and lean back into my chair.

Sofia caught my feet out of the corner of her eyes and feathered her hands in front of her face. Making it clear that the 'Fiona' topic was completely squashed.

"Any who…..Mimi Nott is here and has already cornered mum. So go do your night in shining…..whatever it is you do." Sofia cocked an eyebrow at me and shook her hands in front of me. I rolled my head back and sighed. I stood up and made sure that my shirt was fixed. I turned to my class.

"Shit. Those of you, who are done, bottle up you potions. Those of you who are not will double up tomorrow. Label them and place them on my desk. You are free to leave."

I heard light shuffle around me and turned to see Fiona gathering her things to follow me.

"No Spawn. You stay here and make sure that everyone who is done put there potions on my desk." I threw Fiona a smirk as she huffed. I threw my arm around Sofia and made my way out of the classroom. My mother had always been partial to Sofia. Don't ask me, I couldn't tell you. I think if anything it's because Sofia indulges my mother's kookiness and Fiona clearly has no time for it. Fiona and my father; Thaddeus where always quite the pair. He just understands her in a way no one else ever has. But unlike my mother he still very much loves to be around Sofia as well, she indulges what little kookiness he has….he's grateful.

Sofia and I made our way around the corner and ran right in to Granger. My mother and Narcissa where following close behind. By the looks of things, they where on their way to my classroom. Granger knew exactly how to get my mother off her back: Me. Bitch.

Granger hadn't noticed Sofia and I went she stopped abruptly and turned on her heel.

"What Vivian, what is it for Christ's sake?" Mother bobbed back a bit from surprise. I honestly had no clue why my mother would be surprised by her after all these years. There conversations always went the same way: Fight, Insult, Banter, more insults, and last but not least…..Dramatic Exit! How transparent…..Yawn.

"I came to congratulate you on your impending nuptials, but seeing as in the way you acted it astounds me that someone actually wants to, how should I put this…..buy the cow." Fuck. My mother was just a damn idiot. I have never seen Granger backhand anybody and I was afraid to blink because I didn't want to miss the chance of actually witnessing the act! But like the goody-goody she is….it didn't happen. For once I wished that Granger wouldn't hold her self at a certain standard. But the minute she decides not to I will be the bastard relocating his testicles. My mother held her chin high and sniffed at Granger while one hand was smacking her gloves with the other. Narcissa stood behind her with her back ramrod straight like any pureblood, mask of nonchalance in place.

I decided that it would be smart for me to intervene, since Granger's nostrils began to flare like a damn bull. Gross. Sofia and I made our selves known as I approached my mother and took hold of her arm.

"Mother, what hell are you doing at the school? I thought we had a conversation about these impulsive actions." Mother sniffed and gave an elegant shrug that only a pureblood could pull off.

"No, Theodore the only conversation I recall is why Mr. Kettle One couldn't stay for the rest of tea. Pity really." I shook my head and rubbed my brow as I tried to process my mother's asinine logic. The bitch was bat shit crazy. I was really close to asking her if she would be opposed to sharing a padded room with Narcissa one day.

She wouldn't be.

"Mother, it really isn't tea if said afternoon tea consists only of Vodka and Uppers and Downers." I rolled my eyes and glanced at Granger finally remembering my mother was here in the first place. "Anyway. Why are you here actually?"

Mother smirked before she glanced at Granger then back to me. "Why to congratulate 'The ungrateful whorish twat that was knocked up by exceedingly handsome son' on her upcoming nuptials."

Apparently it was a good day.

I just didn't know why. Granger and I weren't getting married, so why would my mother be here to…..Ohhh….shut the front door. Mother Fucker.

I turned to Granger and threw my hands in the air. "That arrogant, self righteous prick proposed?" I almost wanted to vomit on the last word. Almost. Sofia was at a loss for words. She sat the trying to sputter out coherent sentences. If it wouldn't have been for this situation it would have been bloody hilarious.

Granger let out a huff and placed her hands on her hips. Yeah that's right Granger you get mad. She's bloody sexy when she gets all riled up. She caught on as to why I was smirking and rolled her eyes at me.

"Look Theo, just because you didn't want to marry me doesn't mean that someone else doesn't want too." I snorted when Granger said that. What a stupid bint. Of course no one wanted to marry her. I think she had finally become delusional. I was holding my sides together as my laughing became louder. I chanced a look at Granger. I saw her straighten her back and cross her arms.

She wasn't joking.

I abruptly stopped laughing. "Oh My God, you're not joking." I straightened up.

Granger took her teaching portfolio and smacked me hard in the arm. Bitch. That thing was dense. I hope she didn't hit too hard, I bruise like a peach.

"I'm glad that you find this so fucking amusing Theo!" I crossed my arms and leaned back on my heel a bit when Sofia decided to stopping looking like a fish gasping for air.

"Mum! Michael is such a narcissistic asshole. Have you ever tried to have a conversation with him! It's impossible! I'm sorry but I cannot get my head that far up my ass!"

Ahhh…finally she has words. I was about to start doubting my opinionated, know-it-all daughter. Maybe that's why she spends so much time in detention; she doesn't know when to shut that God awful trap. The little shit sure was mouthy.

Mother made her way over to Sofia and linked their arms together.

"My, my Sofia, who knew you where so…. colorful. I can not imagine from whom you heard to those crude words." Mother shot Granger a condescending glare.

Sofia took notice and plastered a huge grin on her face.

"Actually Mimi, I learn quit a bit on what I like to call 'Pharmaceutical Friday's'. When your owl delivers you prescript….." Sofia was cut of by a sharp grip and the quick tongue of her grandmother.

"I'm sure dear girl." She shot a deadly look down to Sofia making sure that the topic was dead. I watched a Sofia tried to hold in an audible squeak. While I had to try hard not to start laughing. I'm sure that if I would have begun, I would have ended up on the floor wallowing in my own happy tears. My family maybe twisted and sick but they sure where an effing riot. Vivian turned back to Granger with a bored tone and look in place.

"As to the reason I am here. I want to throw an engagement party for Baby Factory. I want to thoroughly enjoy basking in the fact that you will never marry my Theodore"

Now it was time for me to be surprised by my mother. I thought it would never ever be possible for my jaw to touch the ground, but once again I was wrong. My mother had no shame. Brilliant.

"You sure have some balls Mimi." Vivian looked down to Sofia and gave her a light kiss on her hair line.

"Thank you, dearie." Granger looked capable of murder once again but I knew that she wouldn't act on these instincts. I don't know why. She received money from the deal. I guess it doesn't matter I still buy the evil bitch whatever her bloody heart desires. Maybe that's why Michael hasn't jumped on the Theo-band-wagon. Or it might be the face that whether he likes it or not Granger is still head over heals in love with my snaky ass. Well I believe that is the case sometimes. I also think he hates me because I can weasel my way into her head, or the most obvious: She bared my child…twice. Chew on that you uppity prick!

Granger straightened her self once again and decided to take the high road….which was alright with me because then I would get to sneak a peek up her skirt. She crossed her arms and gave Vivian the most detached voice she could muster.

"I would say that you still astound me, but then that would be a lie. Enjoy the rest of your day. Narcissa, Draco should be headed to lunch now." Narcissa gave Granger a warm smile. She had always loved Granger but tried to remain as neutral as possible when the two began to verbally spar. Narcissa nodded her head.

"Come by the manor the next chance you receive. I would love to catch up with you and the girls. It has been too long, love." Granger sent back her smile as turned back to Vivian.

"I would love that Narcissa. By the way Vivian, do be careful when apparating back….wouldn't want you to splinch now would we?" Granger plastered the fakest smile that I have ever seen as she turned on her heel and made her way to lunch.

I gave a little smirk at Granger's words. She always did have somewhat of a dark sense of humor. Mother rolled her eyes as she landed another kiss into Sofia's hairline, told her she loved her and sent her on her way.

"Do wipe that smirk off your face son, it is most unbecoming."

a/n: Hey! It's me agian. This is my first story and constructive criticism is always welcome. Just please don'y be too mean. I hope you all like it.

Thanks a bunch

3 lolo