Chapter 1

Mrs. Hughes had finally finished hauling the last bucket of hot water up the stairs, of course it would be her night for a bath that the pipes would break. But broken pipes or no she was getting her hot bath. So as she had done as a child, she heated all the water and lugged it up to the women's bathroom. After finally pouring endless pots of boiling water into the clean white tub, and after having selfishly set one of her maids to cleaning the tub earlier in the day, she dropped her lavender bar of soap in the water, swishing it around, letting the water become cloudy as the aroma filled the room. As she began to get undressed she resolved to let her tension float away, within minutes her dress, corset and shift were off. Rolling down her stockings her hands lingered on the hard muscles of her thighs, so much lugging today would surely hurt tomorrow, but it would be worth it. Stepping in she relaxed against the edge of the tub, letting the world slip away.

After a good long time, merely enjoying the heat of the water she figured she ought to begin cleaning her body, worried that some catastrophe downstairs might occur and require her sudden presence. As she began to work the soapy lather into her skin she felt a slight pang in her breast. Taking it in hand she felt a lump, oh God not again, she thought to herself. The rest of the bath passed in a haze as she quickly got herself clean, dry and dressed to go back downstairs, she needed Mrs. Patmore, and fast.

After consulting with Mrs. Patmore, who had felt the lump too, and confirmed it felt much harder and larger than the previous one, her mind began to race. She needed to see Dr. Clarkson. A great deal of time had passed since the previous lump, she'd gotten older, she tired more easily, she looked at her life now not as a never ending pathway but as one coming near to a destination, but how near she was unsure.

She knocked lightly as she entered Mr. Carson's pantry, noticing his reading light turned off and his tired eyes straining to see the figures in his wine ledger. Gently she leaned over him flicking it on, chiding him "Really Mr. Carson, do you want to spend your golden years blind as a bat?"

"No Mrs. Hughes, I'd rather hoped to be done before the sun set." He said, looking up at her and rubbing his eyes.

"And when has that ever occurred Mr. Carson? In all the years we've been here, has our work ever been done before the sun?"

"No Mrs. Hughes it hasn't, but you can't say I'm not an optimist." He said with a smile.

She simply chuckled at him.

"Mr. Carson I'm afraid I will need to take tomorrow afternoon off." She said, her voice stern, hopeful her tone would prevent him from creating any fuss.

"What? In case you haven't checked the schedule, which I might add you yourself made, tomorrow afternoon is MY half day." He said, getting very angry suddenly.

"Well Mr. Carson I can assure you I don't desire to interrupt your half day, we can both still leave the house. I doubt it will fall asunder in such a short space of time."

"Ha, I doubt that Mrs. Hughes, I doubt that very much."

"What is the purpose, Mr. Carson," she said, getting angry herself at his unreasonableness, "of having an under butler if you never utilize him in that capacity. And furthermore, I WILL be leaving the house tomorrow just before luncheon, what you choose to do does not bother nor concern me. I came to inform you of my plans, not ask your permission." With that she began to turn to leave the room.

"And what exactly is so important you need to suddenly take time off for? A new dress arriving in Ripon, a suitor hoping to woo you?" He knew he was hitting below the belt but what right did she have to just put her needs before anyone else's.

"Frankly its none of your damn business." She said slamming the door behind her.

Elsie ended up waiting for over an hour in Dr. Clarksons waiting room, the nurse had said that they could squeeze her in between appointments, which sounded perfectly reasonable at the time but as the minutes ticked by the anxiety kicked in, her worst fears beginning running through her mind and her body began to shiver with dread.

"Well Mrs. Hughes," Dr. Clarkson said, moving back to sit in his chair as she began to button her blouse back up. "I'm afraid it is a lump, the previous one was benign, but this one feels quite a bit different. If you don't mind I'd like to remove some of the fluid from it today and have a look at it."

Her eyes got wide, before she had a few days to prepare herself, somehow this all felt rushed.

"I'll have nurse take you into one of the surgery suites and get you prepped and I will be in there shortly."

The nurse was very kind, she helped Elsie to undress, clean the area and even held her hand as Dr. Clarkson inserted his needle and pulled out a thick, milky substance. It didn't look at all like the previous fluid he had removed before she thought.

A little while later she was sitting back in his office, her feet tapping nervously.

"Well Mrs. Hughes, you might have noticed that the fluid was a bit different from last time." He paused here for a moment. "I'm afraid the tumor is cancer. I'll send the sample to the lab to determine exactly what kind it is but I suspect it may be a very aggressive form."

"I see, well is there anything that can be done?" She asked, pushing down the panic and fear, trying to keep her head clear.

"You've a few options Mrs. Hughes," Dr. Clarkson said "We can try removing just the lump which may prove difficult and increases the risk of this happening again. We can remove the breast completely which may buy you some time, six months to a year, maybe several years perhaps depending on if the cancer has spread."

He paused there.

"You said options, not option, what else is there?" Good or bad she needed all pieces.

With a moment of hesitation and a slight waver in his voice he said "We can bypass the surgery and give you various medications to try and delay things and keep the present symptoms at bay, or we can simply let the disease run its course."

"How long would that be?"

"A few months, not more than half a year."

"So I'm terminal regardless." She said, her face turning to stone. Cutting off the emotions hitting her, instead focusing on the facts. The cold, sad, facts.

"I'm afraid so, I'm so sorry."

She put her hand up to silence him "Save pity for another day, it seems I have some decisions to make."

As she began her slow walk back to Downton her mind was reeling. She'd always known someday she would die, living itself was terminal, but she'd never had a number. Never been given a time frame to work with, suddenly she felt very afraid. Thinking about who would mourn her, the staff, some of the family, maybe, her family was all dead and gone, with no children she couldn't help but wonder who would remember her? How long before she was forgotten completely, just a name on a stone in a yard no one would come to visit. Who will put flowers on my grave, she thought as the tears began to roll down her cheeks. She brushed them aside quickly, resolving herself. If the end was near, and she was unlikely to be remembered for long she would make the most of the time she had left. She'd spent her whole life caring for others, believing somehow, rather foolishly, that if she cared for them somehow it would create within them a need to care for her. At this moment that didn't seem to be the case, she would be alone in this. In her mind she began thinking of all the things she'd wanted to do. Her sister had written to her once about seeing an Opera in Edinburgh, it had sounded wonderful and Elsie had always wanted to see one, perhaps she would go, perhaps she would visit Scotland and see her sisters grave. She looked down at her black dress and thought to herself how unbecoming such a dark color was, from now on she only wanted to wear bright beautiful colors. She wanted to throw death off, confuse him, maybe he would simply give up trying to find her. Most importantly she wanted her last few months to be happy, though if she was honest with herself she was exactly sure what made her happy anymore.

When she arrived she ushered Mrs. Patmore into her sitting room and told her the news. The sweet cook, who had always been Elsie's closest female friend, began to cry and they wept together for a few fair moments before Daisy called for help from the kitchen. Elsie walked the cook into the hallway, Mr. Carson was just entering from the yard as Elsie called to Alfred.

"Alfred, could you please go and get me one of the packing boxes from the wine delivery, in fact two of them actually."

Mrs. Hughes then caught Mr. Carson's eyes, just for a moment, he saw the fear and sadness in her eyes, as he began to walk towards her she went back into her sitting room and closed the door quickly.

Confused, Charles walked into the kitchen to see a similar look on Mrs. Patmore's face.

"Mrs. Patmore, may I see you in the hall for a moment?"

She followed him out into the hallway where in a hushed voice he said, "Mrs. Patmore, may I ask what is going on today? Both you and Mrs. Hughes seem to be in a state of disarray and I'd like to be informed as to why."

She looked up into his eyes, fighting back the fresh tears begging for release. "Mr. Carson, it seems the lump is back and this time it is cancer."

His eyes widened, his face fell, without another word to the cook he turned around and walked right into the housekeepers parlor, not even bothering to knock.

1Sitting at her desk admiring the various knick-knacks she had collected over the years, she didn't even raise her gaze to him saying, "Mr. Carson, we need to have a talk."