And if I'm wasting all your time
This time
I guess you'll never learn to take
And if I'm hanging onto your shade
I guess I'm way beyond the pale
- Tori Amos, 'Doughnut Song'
Beyond the Pale
The late afternoon sun cast long shadows on the carpeted floor, crept up against the impeccable furniture in Caroline's living room.
Taking a slow sip from a half-empty wine glass, Susie waited. Caroline had come to a brief impasse in the usual banal gossip and chitchat. Every conversation was the same. Conversation was hardly the thing to call it, because the word implied an exchange going both ways. Not just agreeing with whatever Caroline had to say.
Not for the first time, that little voice nagged, questioned: why do you do this? is it all out of a need to be polite, is it really? or are you so desperate for her approval, Susie? why?
She brushed the thoughts aside. She was sick of thinking about it.
She knew why.
Seizing at the first distraction that came to mind, Susie said, "I still can't believe Eileen never told any of us she was adopted."
"Yes, that was quite the surprise, wasn't it? I can't say it was anything I would have expected."
Susie shook her head distantly. "I just can't believe she would have kept something like that from us all these years."
Caroline considered a moment, tilted her head very slightly. "I imagine we all have secrets." She sipped from her wine glass.
Susie's eyes shifted from Caroline's to the glass in her own hand. She hesitated. "I suppose that's true." From the corner of her eye she could see that Caroline was looking at something across the room, and Susie lifted her head. Light and shadow played softly across Caroline's delicate features, but seemed never to truly touch her, untouchable as she was. She really was beautiful.
Some series of indefinable factors aligned, that moment, years in the making: and an unconscious decision resolved itself. Inhaling sharply, she spoke before she could change her mind. "Caroline..."
Caroline turned, scratched the back of her ear with a ring finger. "What?"
"I..." The doubts were beginning to trickle in now, that hesitation was beginning to surface.
what if... what if...
Susie leaned forward and quickly pressed her lips against Caroline's. The seconds dragged themselves by, one after the next, everything suddenly seeming very far away... Until she felt Caroline's lips move, her resolve fall away; felt her fingers dig into the cardigan against her arm. Susie's heart was trembling against her chest as she kissed her best friend as though she might die if she stopped. Her thoughts were flickering too frantically for anything to make sense; Caroline is kissing me, was the only fragment clear enough to be understood, though she couldn't interpret what meaning that might have.
Her lips were so soft, and altogether different from the way Susie had always imagined. But wonderful just the same.
Without warning Caroline pulled back, suddenly pushing Susie away from her. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" she hissed indignantly. Smoothing a few stands of light hair behind her ear, she quickly recovered her veneer.
The change hit Susie like a shock of intense cold. She couldn't breathe, she didn't know what to do. She swallowed, shook her head. What could she say? "Caroline..." The syllables cracked.
Caroline said nothing. She set her wine glass down slowly, looking carefully at the edge of the wooden coffee table.
"I—I'm sorry, I..." Susie stammered, regarding Caroline's profile in horror.
"John will be home soon," Caroline said evenly, a finality to her tone.
Susie could think of nothing else to say. She haltingly reached forward and touched the other woman's arm as lightly as she dared.
Caroline did not pull her arm away. She turned to look at Susie but would not quite meet her eyes. "Go home, Susie." Her dignified accent had lost some of its self-assurance.
Susie withdrew her hand, not sure where to put it; it lingered in the air a moment as the thoughts ran and ran around her mind without going anywhere.
She hesitantly rose from the sofa, setting her glass down beside Caroline's, and stood a moment, waiting for Caroline to say something. She did not know what, and was not surprised when Caroline did not speak. She walked away quickly without looking back.
Caroline's eyes remained fixed on the sofa. She heard the slight bang of the door as it closed, and she let out her breath. She raised her head and glanced around the familiar living room, and wondered if it had always been this big. She supposed it had. Had the walls always been that exact shade? Hadn't they used to be lighter?
Caroline bit her lip, where she could still taste Susie. She wanted to wipe her fingers across her mouth, but she did not. And she did not know why she did not.
She wrung her hands, twisted her wedding ring round in slow circles. There was some unfamiliar sensation tingling inside her chest, at the back of her neck. Some kind of feeling. She was working very hard not to identify it. She didn't want to know.
This wasn't who she was. She was better than this.
She made tea because she didn't know what else to do.
Susie closed the door behind her and stood a minute with her palm on the handle. She couldn't think what to do next, couldn't process what she had just done. It took a few seconds for it all to sink in.
She leaned back against the door, not really caring that she'd thunked the back of her head against the wood a little harder than she should have done.
She had just kissed Caroline Martin. What a fucking stupid thing to do. It would never be the same now, not ever. Nothing would. Now she had acted on it, and that made it real, somehow. Not just something in the back of her mind she could brush away, could deny.
Now she really was a terrible person.
Thirty seconds could fuck up your life more than you'd ever have thought possible. This had all gone so terribly wrong.
The worst part was that she could still taste Caroline's lips. And it was still wonderful.
She still wanted Caroline more than anything.
Susie heaved a sigh and kicked a tiny rock that was sitting on the doorstep.
Caroline would greet her tomorrow as if this had never happened, because if she didn't, everyone would know something was wrong. They would all know. And that was something Caroline would never allow.
Tears prickled but she blinked them back.