A Note From Ben: Sorry for my long hiatus. I've been going through some personal problems that have kept me from writing. Hell, I don't even answer my email regularly anymore. However, I am back to work now. All of my current stories will be finished, and this one I intend to update at least once every day or so. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own South Park, or Science Fiction Double Feature from The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Science Fiction Double Feature

By Ben Barrett

Chapter One – Introduction

Michael Rennie was ill the day the earth stood still
But he told us where we stand
And Flash Gordon was there in silver underwear
Claude Raines was the invisible man
Then something went wrong for Fay Wray and King Kong
They got caught in a celluloid jam
Then at a deadly pace it came from outer space
And this is how the message ran:

The cows should have been used to strange things happening to them. For years, they had been the symbol of South Park's affections, which brought them under the radar of some very strange groups. Take for instance the alien visitors who turned quite a few of them inside-out before deciding they were the smartest creatures on the planet. Then there was the time the humans had made a giant effigy of a cow which ultimately led to a mass suicide. Yes, they had seen a lot, but nothing could have prepared them for what was about to happen.

They were all out in the field kept by the human known as "Mr. Denkins". It was about the midnight hour and so quite a few of the cows were sleeping peacefully. A few of them were grazing, of course, because there were always at least two or three of them eating all the time. Suddenly, the peacefulness of the night was split by a blinding white light and a very loud humming sound.

Those not eating were jerked out of their sleep by all the racket. They looked up at the source of the commotion, expecting to see their alien friends again. The strange silver creatures came to visit every now and then, and even brought them interesting presents from time to time. This was not the visitors of legend, however; what they saw was far more sinister.

Science Fiction - Double Feature
Dr. X will build a creature
See androids fighting Brad and Janet
Ann Francis stars in Forbidden Planet
Oh-oh at the late night, double feature, picture show.

In one swift motion, Denkins jumped from his bed and grabbed his shotgun. Not even bothering to put on his pants, he ran out of the house in his underwear, determined to put an end to whatever was on his land. Even if the intruder hadn't flooded the place with lights far too bright to be legal, he still wouldn't have been able to sleep due to the noise the cows were now making.

"Okay, okay, I'm comin'," he said, angrily stomping toward their field. "Hell, you'd think you was bein' tortured out there!"

Any further protests caught in his throat when he got close enough to the field to see what was actually there. His mouth fell open and he stared out in shock. He had seen some crazy shit in his time, including a giant robot Barbara Streisand and hordes of mutant turkeys, but this was by far the worst. He felt his underpants grow warm as he pissed himself in fear. His gun fell from his hand as his strength began to fail him. It hit the ground and went off, alerting the intruder to his presence.

He felt frozen to the spot as the thing in the field began to make its way toward him. He knew he should run, that he should get away and warn everyone of the danger, but he couldn't; it was as if he was being held there by unseen forces.

Oh, shit, he thought before everything went black.


I knew Leo G. Carroll was over a barrel
When Tarantula took to the hills
And I really got hot when I saw Janet Scott
Fight a Triffid that spits poison and kills

Kenny was doing patrol duty near the outskirts of town when a great flash of light blinded him, causing him to drive his cruiser into a telephone pole. He was immediately impaled by several parts of the engine. As his eyes began to lose focus, he looked around at his situation and swore violently. He hated dying almost as much as he hated not getting laid, and he hated not getting laid a whole fucking lot.

"Fuck," he said weakly, "I didn't even get through the first chapter."

He knew he'd probably be back, but that still didn't make it hurt any less. He wouldn't even get to find out what it was that blinded him like that, which meant that he was going out like a chump. That was indeed a very bitter pill to swallow.

"You…bastards…"


Dana Andrews said prunes gave him the runes
And passing them used lots of skills
But when worlds collide, said George Pal to his bride
I'm gonna give you some terrible thrills, like a:

Stan sat on the front porch swing, wrapped up in a blanket with Kyle. He had one arm around his lover, who was sleeping snugly against his side. He looked down at him and a wave of overwhelming affection overtook him. He was damn lucky to have someone he loved so madly who loved him back just as strongly, and he knew it.

And to think, Stan mused, I almost ruined everything.

He thought back over all they'd been through, of how they had spent a good ten years apart because of his insecurities. It was only through a strange sequence of strange events involving angry bears, a mysterious singing cowboy, and the band Kansas that he had ended up in Kyle's arms. He always remembered to be thankful for that, for he knew that it was in the redhead's embrace he belonged, and he never wanted to leave.

Kyle stirred slightly against him, but did not wake. He simply snuggled up closer to Stan and smiled in his sleep. Stan kissed him softly on the top of the head and held him tighter.

It was that cowboy, he thought. If it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be holding him. I'd probably be somewhere in Des Moines, miserable as fucking hell.

He often wondered about the mysterious cowboy at times like this. Who was he? Where did he come from? He almost behaved like a ghost or an angel, coming and going as he pleased, disappearing into thin air like he was made of smoke. Of course, the idea that he was angelic was ridiculous, but not as much as some theories Stan had concocted. Some of his more extreme ideas involved alien "visitors", inter-dimensional travel, or the Church of Scientology.

Somehow I know that's not right, though, Stan thought peacefully. He's none of those things; he's just a travelin' man in a cowboy hat.

He probably would have thought of this for a lot longer if it hadn't been for the blinding flash of light that lit up the entire town. Kyle jumped up as though he'd been bitten and looked around, as if the source of such a painfully bright light would be sitting on their front lawn.

"What the hell is going on?" he asked.

"I dunno," Stan replied, looking out over the neighborhood at the people emerging from their homes, just as confused.

The phone in the house began to ring, and they knew without looking at the caller ID that it was one of their mothers, most likely Sheila. This flash seemed to have awakened the whole town, and the motherly instincts of the two women would make them want to check up on their boys. Kyle rolled his eyes and went in to answer it.

Meanwhile, Stan watched as several people started shuffling down the street like zombies, searching in vain for the source of the disturbance, or maybe for someone who might have some answers. Knowing the history of this town, most of them would probably end up panicking while he and Kyle did all the work. God damn it, there were times he hated this town so much.


Science Fiction - Double Feature
Dr. X will build a creature
See androids fighting Brad and Janet
Ann Francis stars in Forbidden Planet
Oh-oh at the late night, double feature, picture show.
I wanna go, oh-oh, to the late night double feature picture show.
By RKO, oh-oh, at the late night double feature picture show.
In the back row at the late night double feature picture show.