My biggest desire

"Judai ... how very much I long for you ... how very much I want to become one with you ... you don't understand it ?? Don't you really understand it? I have waited for you so long ... how can it be that you have forgotten our times together... Judai ... my heart, it calls after you, how you cannot hear her cries ??"

I still remember so exactly ... How this love and this longing for you has started? Not in this life, Judai, but a long time before that.

Sometimes I don't understand it myself, this longing I feel for you. How can it be that a heart can commit itself to a different one for all eternities ? It may be a miracle, this miracle - the love.

We were still so young in our earlier lifes and at first everything began with a friendship between us. We both were human, little children who did everything together, who played, laughed and shared all their secrets amongst each other together. It lasted not very long and I began to feel so much more for you. Our times together,only interrrupted by your duties as the son of the king, these became the most valuable in my life. Your laughter became the most beautiful sound for me, your appearance like that one of a pure angel. I didn't understand myself any more and already often wondered how I as a child could feel something confusing like that. I only wanted to be with you... even then.

And then the day came I learned everything, the truth about your vague task, the meaning of you life, the task you were born for. You should decide the destiny of the world, with a power that had been put in the cradle with you. With the gentle darkness in your heart you should save this world and everything what was in it. I got deaf as the king told me of me heavy burden, a burden too heavy that it can be carried by a child. . Why has destiny chosen only you to this? It was a dangerous task, a task at which you could die easily. But the king assured me that you could still have your childhood at least because the fulfillment of the task would be still to come for you only as an adult. But for me this was cold comfort. And another obstacle came up your way when the king admitted that he worried terribly about you. He feared somebody would want to damage you, possibly even kill you before you could be aware of this task for which you were born. With wringing hands they looked for somebody who would be willing to protect you, Judai. I didn't hesitate for a second to become that one. I didn't care what I had to take, how much pain, and that i had to give away my childhood for yours and even more than that - my human existence. I didn't care care if i became a monster, i wanted to do everything, everything to prevent that someboy harms you.Longingly I wanted you to live on and I liked to contribute to that you may succeed in surviving your task.I. I loved you so much, Judai, so much that I even gave you the tallest sacrifice of all. My life. Everything should get different from now on and there was no turning back.

If i ever thought about this, what you would feel when you see my changed outside for the first time? Certainly it was clear that you maybe will be frightened of my new outside, but also frightened out of the reason why i have done all this for you. I wondered whether you share my feelings to you, whether you love me just the same as I love you. Would you have brought the same sacrifice also for me if it would have been my destiny to save this world? There of course I am sure, I didn't doubt it.

The happiest moment in my new life was when we sat together in this sundown. I knelt down next to you, because I was tall and adult now and at first we were silent. You then broke the silence with a voice croaking strangely as if you would struggle for composure because you still couldn't understand my sacrifice for you. You take hold of my hands and I felt my heart beating more highly as you did this. "Why have you done this? Why have you done it for me, Yubel? Why have you changed so?" With my quiet voice I tried to explain everything to you, perhaps I even tried to hide my true feelings for you even in that moment... "I have done it for you. As of now I am your protector, I will be with you wherever you go. I will protect you from all evil until you have turned from a child to an adult." And what you then said after that, I would have never dreamt about it and it was the fulfillment of all my longing when you confessed it to me, your love.. My whole new body turned deaf with luck when you pushed my hands more tightly and whispered softly so that only I could hear you: "Yubel ... I love you ... I promise you no matter what the others say I will always love you ..." Silent we looked into each others eyes and I could see tears running down your cheeks. Gently I wiped them off and smiled. Then I leaned over to you to give you a gentle kiss on your soft lips. My heart wanted to burst out of happyness. Because from then on i was more than only your protector. I became your lover and we both a couple.

Oh, I could never forget him this moment again. Whether I didn't wonder, that you perhaps only had fallen in love with me because of my tall sacrifice for you? oh yes, i have often wondered about this, however i was sure that you have loved me before that and that you simply admitted your true feelings for me at this occasion, because you saw that I loved you too when i came to you as the dragon Yubel and not as a human any more. Because you saw how much i had given up for you. Whether you had loved me perhaps only out of sympathy? Or only out of a feeling of duty, because you felt gulity after seeing how much I have given up for you? Honestly, i have never thought about it before. These thoughts, they came a long time after, after the rebirths of us and in my exile in space.

How happy we both were, this happyness, it didn't last very long, because then it happened, the saddest day in my life. I have failed and couldn't protect you when you were the victim of this illness. My impenetrable shield which only could be broken through by you, your touches and kisses and in all other cases by nobody else borught nothing in this case. Dying you lays in your deathbed when the admission to you was granted and with your last strenght you wave me over to you and I can see moruning in your face, but at the same time you smiled when you saw me coming in. Your sight, broken and dying were too much for me and i couldn't hold back my tears any longer, quietly they ran down my cheeks. You wave out your servants because you want to spend this last moment with me, the moment in which you will separate from this life. With a soft voice you wave me over and I bend down my face to listen to you. "Yubel ... ", you whisper, "don't blame yourself... it is not your fault that I am going to die now... who knows, maybe it had to come like this??" No, i think. It hadn't to come like this. I must have made something wrong... why my sacrifice was so senseless? I only had accepted this body in the firm conviction to safeguard your surviving with that and destiny dared to let everything get senseless now. With your death my life also lost his meaning.

And as if you could read my thoughts exactly as if they would be in an open book, you say to my silence and quiet wines: "Yubel ... I know you think everything has been senseless. But it wasn't.. Do you remember like both of us have promised eternal love to each other? this love, it doesn't stop only because our life ends. Therefore I give you here a new promise: I will love you also in my next life. I know that we both will be reborn and if that really happens, when we will find each other again and be in each others arms once more. Only promise me to wait no matter how long it is. However, I know that I might ask too much of you after everything what you have done for me ..." "No, Haou", I answered sobbing, " I love you. I will wait for you. No matter how long it lasts." You give me a smile and and a last hearty kiss, as a sign of our promise. As I solve the kiss, I notice that you suddenly have become very quiet. Smiling you lie there with closed eyes, dead. You have put your last breath in this kiss. I cannot believe it. Everything is past. Our common happyness, all moments we shared. Why was destiny so cruel to both of us?

But I cherished the quiet hope that your promise will fulfill some day, on a day in a distant future. I was not caring at this moment, no matter how long I must wait for this and no matter how long I must mourn about you. You were worth it for me and my life was so senseless without you. I hoped so much that our next life will lead us again together.

It poured heavily on that day they buried you, and when they put your body into deep earth, it was as if they had buried a part of me with you too. I came to your grave, and put fresh flowers down, prayed for you and for our future together in another life every day since then.

My life got lonesome and I longed so much for you that I almost had lost my sanity and that i wished i really had died with you that day. One day it really happened and after infinite decades, I could follow you to the empire of death. A gentle darkness was putting itself around me at the moment of the death and I wondered whether it was the same power which you also had been accused of as you still lived and should save the world, however, haven't made it although I wanted to help you with all my means. I was so sure that it was your power. Who knows, perhaps we won't see each other again in the next lives, but even already in the hereafter? Perhaps we will already get happy there too?

With these thoughts I received death happily and fell asleep for so many centuries. I didn't feel my soul any more and couldn't open my eyes any more. What happened to me, I don't know because I couldn't feel anything. So, i couldn't find out if there really is a life after death and if there really is an empire of death in which we could have seen each other again earlier.

And then both of us actually got reborn.

And still my rebirth was different from yours. You became what you were in your previous life as Haou, my dear Judai. You were reborn as a human, while I hadn't been reborn into a meat body, but I was condemned to be reborn as a soul bound to a card. But that also was good enough for me, because as a bare soul I could follow you more easily to wherever you were going. I nevertheless longed to have a real body like you, so that I could tocuh you again and let my fingers run through your soft hair.I longed to be able to clasp you into my arms again.

But how was it like, the moment in which I had been woken up again? I opened my eyes in the moment when i could hear a familiar voice say something... This voice was yours, dear Judai. And then I felt your touch finally after so infinitely long time. When I opened my eyes, it was, however, such a strange sight. I saw you there, sitting and laughing as a child again and your sweet laughter let my heart beat high again just like in the past. When I looked at my countenance, I noticed that I hadn't changed at all. I still had the same outside, was still Yubel the dragon, still not human.If I would have had the possibility of undoing my appeareance as a soul, I don't know whether I really would have done it. I wanted to keep my appearance as a sign of my deep love for you.

I heard you saying: "Wow, Yubel is an extremely terrific card. Thanks dad!" Then i felt your look on me and suddenly it got astonished when you saw me as a sould that appaeared directly beside you in that moment when your parents left you alone so that you could try out your new birthday gifts. I couldn't believe it, you really could see me. You were frightened, however, at first and retreated but I couldn't also really reproach you for it. Who can claim to be able to see the souls which otherwise are invisible for all the other people although they live directly next to you also in your world?

But you, you had this ability and could see me, but maybe because the promise of your previous life should finally be fulfilled. I hoped so so much and everything indicated it. We both became friends fast and stuck by each other, we got inseparable like in earlier times. But still ... unfortunately I had to notice that you couldn't remember anything from our common previous life together. Everything seems to have disappeared from your memory and I wondered how that could happen. How can it happen that i remember every single happy moment while you cannot? Has the moment of the death deleted everything from your memory, and if yes, how could I protect my memories from the claws of the death? Why didn't i have to pay my memories as a way custom while you had to? This didn't want to go into my head but already I clung to the next hope and told me that you will remember everything someday. Til then everything would remain as it was, I would be with you and accompany you, I would fight with you on the cardfield and protect you from all evil, because it is my duty and because I love you.

You were such a sweet child and although you had many friends, you were also damn lonesome. I consoled you about this solitude whenever I appeared next to you and hugged you. You couldn't feel them, my touches, and nevertheless you had smiled and felt no longer so left. They have made me so happy, these moments.

But at the same time, I swore myself, that I will never fail again just like once. Nobody should get the chance to injure you or to beat you in a card game. And then, quite slowly, with time I discovered a mysterious power which slumbered in me. I found out that I could hurt the people who wanted to harm you with my mere will. And then I did this, too. Because of me you also lost your last friends and we both grew even closer together because of that. A feeling, however, still interfered in our relation. I saw in your eyes that you become more and more frightened of me. You didn't want to hear it any more, my voice filled with hatred, which echoed in your head if you failed and could not summon me on the field so that I can protect you there. But couldn't I at least expect from you that you can do this? Without this small effort of your part, how should i protect you there? I apparently then walked a step too far. It was the day when it occured to you that something was not correct with me, that i was dangerous, that something was wrong with me and that I had well worked myself into a fixed idea too much. I thought we both could get happy and I could protect you better if I kept all other people away from you. But this didn't seem to be the best solution, right, Judai?

But why haven't you told it to me, then? Why you don't have said to me that I have done something wrong with that ... now well, perhaps you have said it but I haven't listened to you in my blind illusion and my endless love to you that made me that blind that I didn't register any more what sin i actually did by my actions. And hard, very hard i was punished for that. The punishment ?? I was sent away and banished by you in the infinite distances of space. There where nobody could reach me and it was easy for you to forget me.

But the worst of it was, that you were the one who has imposed this punishment on me, the one I have left so much behind for, the one for whom I hadn't waited not only one but two lives and for which I given up even my human existence. From the person I love the most, Judai.

What have you imagined? Why you have done this to me ?? I know you were just a child and therefore you were not capable to judge what you have done to me correctly, but I nevertheless assumed that you must know that this punishment is to severe in that I could bear or accept her.

So I was sent to space. Just later, after my retunr to earth I should learn that you have only sent me away because you had the vague hope that it would help me, this journey, that it could help in healing the wounds in my heart. The opposite has happened, Judai. I have never suffered such deep wounds as those from your hand. And I constantly wondered, again and again why you could do something like this to me. But the space was empty and the capsule i were in as well. Your warmth was withdrawn from me and I only felt the cold of space. The stars may have shone and they perhaps could have given a little bit of their warmth to me but for this they were too far away, as far away as you.

"Yubel ... I will love you eternally ... in my next life just like in this ..."

So, or so similar were your last words when you died in your last life. And although you love me, you have sent me away now ?? Why then my dearest Judai ?? Why ??

And when I floated alone in the depths of the space, oh, then i had more than enough time to think about it. I only thought of you all the time and missed you so infinitely, I thought I would be losing my mind. I then understood it. You haven't sent me away because you don't love me any longer, that was impossible, because I trusted that your reincarnation would love me as promised. So you have done it out of love. Out of love you let me go by infinite pains, so that I could love you even more when I came back again ... or was it only a test of my love for you? Do you wanted to see how strong my love for you really is? Now that you have seen me again, intact, back from space, now you can see how much I am ready to give up for you.

Oh yes this feeling ... this sorrow, this is true love, isn't that right? In space, so quite alone and seperated from you, I learned to enjoy this feeling, this infinite mourning in my heart, this bitterness ... and I intended also to convey these feelings to you if I should ever see you again. Oh no, I didn't doubt that it will be so far one day. From the beginning I knew that my long journey will bring me back to you.

Suffer, Judai. Suffer like I did. Because in love you share all feelings with each other, because you want to become one and these feelings of pain and the bitterness that you taught me, you also should feel them. Follow me to the world of infinite pains. Leave the light behind you and follow me into the darkness, because both of us can be together only there !!

And then, within a careless moment they came, pains more unbearable than the separation from you. The worst was that they met me without any preparation, so suddenly, on the re-entry to earth. I sank down to earth from the gravitation and should leave space, my new home, again. It was good and words couldn't describe the feeling I had when I thought about that I will be with you soon again. But then this heat came all over me, more hotly than the flames of the hell, and they burned down me ... I felt like I melted, I yelled, yelled till I noticed that I lost my voice. Until I noticed that my skin burned down and charred like paper. It doesn't like to have lasted very long, these pains and the fire, but for me it was like an eternity. And even at that moment as I threatened to become to nothing, to ashes. even then i thought about you and hoped that i would survive because I longed for you so much. So shortly before the aim to see you again, so shortly before that I could not give up. I had to hold out. Hold in front of what hardly anyone had made. Don't break in, always carry on even as my body disintegrated to dust.

For you Judai. Because you are so important to me and so much more worth than all else, even more to me than myself.

You know I also love to manipulate the people. I also quite fast found unite favors at it. For my purposes the people served me, the ones who were foolish enough to trust me, to follow me and to do to what I said to them. Like Viper or Adrian Gecko and many others. It is far too simple. You raise the hope in them that their wishes and desires can come true and they already eat out of your hand. Oh yes, they have helped me very much to come back to you.

And I see your look filled with hatred, which lets me shudder and drills through me now ... and when I shudder, then only out of desire because I want to see more such looks from you. They remind me of true love and the more you show your hate, the more you show your love through this. You ask me what I have done with Jesse and all the others which you call your friends. I only tell you I would have killed them to then see your deep despair and your infinite sorrow because it brings me so much joy. Doesn't it excite you either, then, this taste and this feeling?

But then i notice that you don't share it, my opinion of true love. You are of the opinion that it is unpardonable what I have done to you and your friends and that you simply cannot love me for it. On the contrary, you have disdained nobody more than me. And as you, then say, too that you don't care at all what I feel, I finally then learned the whole truth: You have lied to me all the time. I have made a great mistake primarily when I trusted you so blindly and that you would keep your promise from your previous life. I have never questioned that you love me the same like i do love you. I must recognize now that I was so wrong and that all my efforts were for nothing. Rage boils highly in me and I cannot hold her back. Because if you don't love me, everything was senseless - my sacrifice, my lives, my return from space, my effort to create an own world for us both, simply everything. Know that all this doesn't matter to me any longer and that i also can destroy everything just as well. Even you, because what can i begin with somebody who has lied to me for all those years? You have let me live in a far too long illusion. Now there is the end with that. I will end everything and destroy everything. You, our old love and all that will then never have existed, because it is right only that way.

Tears are running down my cheeks out of despair when i recognized that lie, I rebelled and wanted to give this world the last coup de grâce but then I felt your touch.

You flew into my arms and put your head on my chest and I was frightened when I so suddenly felt you so near to me. What has happened? Have you finally understood it in the end? Have you been able to remember your previous life, just as i always have dreamt of?

"Yubel ... I understand you ... and I forgive you ... I have recognized what you feel for me... as you had shown me your memories, my own ones returned to me again. You must have been very much in despair. Now it can finally stop and you don't need to suffer any longer... see, I am with you...I am with you.. ."

Your words get through to me and but they don't reach me completely yet, for this you have surprised me too much. I was so happy, I immediately put my arms around you and felt hot tears running down my cheeks again, this time however out of infinite happiness. But also out of bitterness because you needed so long until you understood it. Because you first had to sent me into space and we had to fight before you understood it. But maybe that is not important at all, maybe the most important thing is that you have understood it at all. And i cannot stop crying and I lean down to you to give you a kiss and I feel that my biggest wish of all has fulfilled - I always wanted to be tender to you for all those years, just as I can be right now.

But you didn't understand your own feelings which broke through in you when you remembered me and our common times. You feverishly wondered what you could do to unmake this rotten feeling of having missed s much and how you can help me the best. And then you take the card into your hand, the one with which I wanted to destroy this world, the super polymerization.

"Yubel ... if you love me so much and always wanted to be with me, then I will be able to fulfill this wish for you thus finally. Let us become one and melt together because that way I will be able to keep my promise to you finally - because so our souls will become one, now and through all our next lives."

My soul, it shall become one with you ?? Yes ... because isn't that what love tries to do with the people all the time? The love tries to unite what belongs together and if this card has the power to fulfill our love, then how could i not accept?

Judai, I love you. I wanted to become one always with you, unite with you, merge ...

And I dive in in you, merge with you, as you have predicted. An infinite warmth goes through me with our union and I suddenly feel you in me, on me, around me. You surround me and I surround you. So it should have been from the very beginning and it also became so.

As of now I will live on in you. I gave my life for you, had to go on a long journey to return to you and had to suffer from so many pains. But to be in you, with you like right now gave a meaning to everything that had happened. My life has finally found its fulfillment.

And you simply floated there and did not quite understand them yet for a while, these new feelings and these warmth and satisfaction. You closed your eyes and breathed in deeply.

"Judai ... I thank you for your love to me ... thank you that you have fulfilled my life and gave a meaning to it..."

And you smile, together with me.